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Ever since my husband filed his answer in our divorce case, I have been wavering.  I have not seen him in six months.  The last time we spoke was over the phone. He told me he never loved me. This is the same man who was so attentive and loving toward me. I can look at it all logically and know he has some real issues, but what if I am wrong? What if all it would take is sitting down with him and reassuring him? It's like I am back where I was six months ago. Lots of questions and no answers that make any sense. My heart is broken. This is who I promised to love til death do us part. I know that promise meant little to him, but I meant it. For the first time in a long time I am vacillating on the decision to end this. Any words of encouragement will help.

I promise you, your husband loved you in his own way. See this is a big misconception with BPD, they don't just attach to "anybody". Just like with normal men and women, they have to feel attracted to you. He loved you just like my ex loved me. The disorder took over... .That's not your fault dear.

If only all it took was some reassurance! It's the "if only" and "what if I just did ... .then maybe it would all work out" thoughts that I find hardest to deal with. The truth is they are ill and that illness is never going to go away. Looking back over things sometimes I feel it could be so simple to work out, and with a healthy person maybe it would be but our ex's are not healthy. Saying good bye to the dream of a life together is so hard, it does break our hearts. But the important thing to remember is that is was a dream - not the reality of the situation. Remember the reality of the relationship - the splitting, the rages, the abuse. It is not going to change. Think of what you have been through and then decide if you want that again.

When I think of my ex I think of sane ex - the man I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with, and crazy ex - the nutter who I am so glad I am away from. If he was crazy all the time I wouldn't miss or want him back, it would be easy. I see sane ex for a while and it is lovely but then he is triggered and crazy man comes back. Guess that's why we do and don't want them in our lives. That lovely connection we had with them, that was so special and meant so much to us. But that connection is not sustainable and comes at a great cost. If only... .

Hope that helps. It has helped me writing it. Xmas is hard and I'm struggling. Take care.