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Hello! It's been a while since I've posted, because my no contact with BPDM and nonBPDF has been very liberating.

Unfortunately my Father has reached out saying he misses our relationship and thinks my BPDM does as well. He wants to 'open the lines of communication' between the three of us again. He sent me this by email on Christmas Eve, also advising a package of gifts was on its way. I did not respond as I wasn't sure how and didn't want to worry about it on Christmas day. Well I checked my email today and he sent me another email acknowledging holidays are busy, but he would appreciate a response. It made me angry that he would be pushy about a response.

We also did receive the gifts today and most was written in my dads handwriting, but some stuff was in my moms handwriting, but only addressed from my dad.

I'm angry and frustrated that he is the only one trying to reconnect. He is trying so hard, but it seems to be an attempt to save his marriage. I will be letting him know that I would prefer they continue to work on their relationship and own personal issues before we open up communication again, as I am seeing zero effort on her end for reconciliation.

Does this sound logical at all or am I over thinking this crap?

Hi Mommakiwi,




Do you mean that you are expecting mom to make the first move in reconciliation? I ask this because of this statement:
and
It sounds like you are hoping for a time when both mom and dad will ask for a reconciliation, not just dad. I think this is what we all want when we find that we can no longer be in contact with our parents because of the chaos. I know that I would be very hesitant to have any contact with my parents, given the history between us.


Is dad considering leaving mom if their is not a reconciliation? I am sorry that I can't remember your earlier posts. I know I read them, and responded to them, but I can't remember what you said about your parents relationship.


The responsibility of mom and dad's marriage staying intact is a heavy burden to carry. Do you think that you feel responsible for their marriage? Has mom or dad ever made statements that placed the burden on you?


I think it is only natural that we want to have a healthy and happy relationship with our parents. They are supposed to be our anchors, our foundation, our safety nets. I know how frightened I was for many years to stand on my own two feet because I didn't feel that I could. Not only because my mom told me how stupid I was and lived in a fantasy world, and therefore couldn't live on my own, but  because I did not have a healthy example of how to build my own solid foundation, nor the tools.

Looking forward to hearing from you and wishing you all the best. 

All my life my parents have had a volatile relationship. They have fought like cats and dogs, and they have said they are divorcing more times than I can remember. Most recently they have left one another multiple times in the last couple months. My dad has told me he is trying everything to save their marriage, but mom doesn't believe him, and she has done all the divorce research in their state.

He is the only one saying that she wants a relationship with me again, but I've not heard anything from her backing that statement. All he wants to do is have us talk and 'fix our broken family'. I would love to just have a relationship with him, but he begs for me to talk to her. That's why I have stoppped contact with him as well.

I do no longer feel burdened by keeping their marriage together, I did when I was younger, but being married myself I know that it's no one else's resposibility to fix my marriage besides my husband and I.

I guess I was just frustrated and I wanted to vent. I was pretty upset earlier, but I feel much better now knowing I began to set some boundaries, that I haven't before!

The non BPD parent is a conundrum, huh?  My dad is much more passive than yours.  My entire life, my BPDm was the primary caregiver, with my dad working a lot.  As an adult, my dad has never been proactive about contacting me, although I know he loves me.  Just typical male hands off behavior.  In the past year, as the conflict has really come to a head with my mom, he is still very hands off, except when my mom goads him.  We did have one visit without her that was very pleasant and we didn't discuss her at all.  But unlike your parents, they fight a lot- mostly my mother abusing him- but they seem content to live in their dysfunction.  There are times in the last year I have really wished my dad would stand up for himself- and my brother and me in turn- but he will never do that.  For whatever reason, he seems happy to be her punching bag and enabler.  He has admitted to me that he knows she is nuts, but he believes she can't help it, so he just puts up with it.  (For the record, I am pretty sure his mother was BPD, so that explains a lot.)

I have wished this past year that he would leave her, so I could have a relationship with him without her.  But that will never happen.  That might be the best thing that could happen to your dad- and you. 

Is there no way to have a relationship with him without her?

I laughed at the title of this post! I've been describing Holiday time with my uBPD sister as a ride on the BiPolar Express….up one minute, down the next. Negativity followed by pure put on elation. It was a mixed bag of crazy around this past week! I'm so happy that it's over for now and I'm back to my safe place and minimal contact. Phew! I have been working so hard in my therapy sessions to set boundaries and take a different approach, not taking things personally, yadda yadda yadda. I think it's helping. Wishing all on this site a Happy and Stress-free New Year!

mommakiwi

glad you're feeling better than when you first posted. i don't think you're "over thinking this crap"... .your statement about leaving contact whilst they continue to work on their own relationship issues sounds like a very good idea.

As for your mom and reconciliation, is this something that you, or a part of you hopes for? Do you believe this is possible and enduring? Perhaps this is something worth exploring in yourself.

Great that you don't carry the burden of being the one who should save their marriage these days... .but do you think you were forced into this role as a kid? What did that look like? Sometimes we carry a hangover of that stuff that's hard to shake off.

I resonate with your post... .i have a uBPDm and endad. He puts up with so much crap from her it's unbelievable but he will never leave & both are getting very old these days and increasingly dysfunctional. Like little bird said of her father, I think his mother must have been BPD too... .amazing how transgenerational this stuff is.

Am cheering you on to hold your boundaries for 2015    Happy New Year!