BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I am new here and newly separated from my BPD husband of 21+ years.  We have an 11-year old daughter.  I want to develop tools to mitigate the damage to her of losing her father from the home, especially since he has now decided that he's not BPD after all and all he needs is to get better is to be away from me (and be free to act out in his addictive behaviors unfettered).  I fear how extreme the totally unregulated BPD may become. 

I want this breakup to be as clean as possible and I really, really, want to figure out what the heck is up with me that I kept hope alive for so long!

Glad to be here.  Thanks.

A.M.

Annmargret: welcome! I'm guessing you may get the most helpful responses on the board dedicated to divorce and custody, or on the Leaving board. This board is for people remaining in BPD relationships so there will be less experience here with the "clean break" approach.

For what it's worth, I have a now 10 year old with an emotionally and ultimately physically abusive exH (not the man who brought me to these boards, but I do think he has some kind of PD). My kid was two when we split. I was terrified of him having her by himself because of possible damage to her. I litigated the divorce aggressively to protect her--I needed decision-making control so he wouldn't withhold agreement to obvious things just to get back at or blackmail me for something he wanted (mostly money). And I needed to be able to prevent her from having to spend time with him alone if he was using (he is an alcoholic). So I went to trial and got findings of abusive use of conflict, alcohol and drug abuse, and other findings that justified my having decision-making control and being able to request drug/alcohol testing if I had reason to think he was using. He is using now ... .And he wants to keep using ... .So he knows he can't enforce unsupervised time with my daughter. She's old enough now to make a phone call or ask for help if he was out of it so I would let her go if she wanted to -- but she doesn't. She doesn't trust her dad and she's correct about that.

He is so self-focused that the only time he asks for time with her, it's when he gets the feeling she or I will resist and he is making a point about power and control (sort of "I will not be ignored", and recognizing that, I make sure to preemptively schedule time together (my daughter prefers that I come) to neutralize that impulse. I don't enjoy the time with him but I figure it is the tax I pay for deciding to have a child with this incompetent damaging other parent.

It turns out he deals with her in the same way he did with me: she is largely an object to meet his needs and he is very manipulative. That has broken her heart--she wanted something different in a dad obviously--but it has been very important that I confirm to her that what he does is not ok and not personal, that he did and does it to me too, and that because we had a relationship of choice, I would not choose to continue with someone who behaves that way. He's her dad so she can't choose to completely disconnect. It helps her to know she's right that this is not good behavior and to have somewhere to process it. When she was littler I was careful not to skew her opinion by making her think I did not like her dad, because I wanted him to have a chance to not screw things up with her. But when he did, I was quick to validate her reactions.

I have found you can use judo principles with someone with a PD to get their vanity or self-centeredness to work for you in protecting your kid. Your particular dynamics will differ but frontal conflict doesn't seem to be the best strategy. Be smart and keep your eye on the ball and use what you know about how he reacts to make a viable road through the next 7 years.

Good luck. And there will be lots of good advice on the other boards.

What a pretty name you have.

Welcome to the board. You will find many communication tools that will help you.

Are you seeing a therapist... .if not find one.

This self examination will show you why you held on so long. Be prepared to uncover issues of your own as we tend to attract people of our own emotional level. Remember this is healthy and building the foundation to move one.