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Since egg donor is in poor health and is living with Sis she is reverting back to using abusive phrases she used on us as kids. Things I haven't heard nor thought about for years, but when Sis tells me about it a flood of bad memories come back.

The latest "oldie but a goodie" word vomit my egg donor is tossing around is "I hope you choke on it". Can't tell how many times I heard that growing up. It was pretty much guaranteed if Broomhilda was in a witchy mood around meal time. Sometimes for added flair she'd spice it up with "... .and die!"

I remember lots of dinners where a plate was slammed down in front of me with "Here! I hope you choke on it and die!". I recall reading books and seeing on TV and in movies where sometimes children were punished by having to go to bed without supper. I think I would have liked that better.

And then there was that whole damn "Clean your plate" thing.

Hi Reluctant Dragon

I want to give you a warm welcome to bpdfamily  I've also read your other thread on here in which you describe the forms of abuse your mother subjected you to. I am very sorry you had such a difficult childhood. Many of our members know what it's like to have one or more personality disordered parents. I myself was raised by an undiagnosed BPD mother and that wasn't easy at all.

Considering the recent changes in your family, I can definitely see how this could trigger all those old memories and emotions inside of you. In your other post you mention yourself that you might have repressed those memories for many years because your mother wore a 'normal mask' for many years and also because you were now dealing with another problematic person (MIL).

You have been through a lot in your childhood so I'm glad you're reaching out for support here. Have you seen the Survivors Guide for adults who suffered child abuse? You can find it to the right of this message board. The guide takes you through 21 steps from victim to survivor to thriver. Where would you say that you are on this survivors guide? Also considering the recent developments in your family and how this has been affecting you lately.

I notice that you don't refer to your mother as 'mother' but choose to use other terms. You also do this in your other posts. I understand why you would find it hard to refer to her as mother after all the abuse she subjected you to. When you use the word mother, how does that make you feel? Does referring to her as 'egg donor' or Broomhilda make it easier for you to talk about her?

Accepting the reality of our BPD parents isn't an easy thing to do. It involves letting go of the fantasy parent we never had, probably never will have but might still long for. Do you feel like you've accepted the reality of who your mother really is and what this has meant for your childhood?

Take care Reluctant Dragon and I hope to read more of your story later.

Hi, Reluctant Dragon, and  *welcome*

It is not unusual to be met with floods of memories about the past. In fact as you can see from the Survivor's Guide that Kwamina pointed out, it is part of the healing process. Do you have any professional support such as a therapist as you work on your recovery? It can really help.

As a child, how did you feel when your mother said "I hope you choke on it and die?" Has that had any lasting effect on how you see yourself or the world around you? What are you doing to overcome that experience and take care of yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Hello, Kwamina, thank you for your reply. I find the Survivors' Guide to be very interesting and I intend to start the year off examining it more closely. (Finishing up the holiday clean up right now! LOL)

As of right now I loathe using the term "mother" because I feel like I've just realized that I never really had a mother. Oh, she served as someone to fill the slot when it was time to draw pictures of our family at school but beyond the basics of food, shelter, and clothing I feel I've never had any "mothering". :'(  And certainly I learned at an early age that not being noticed by her was preferable to having her attention.

"Egg Donor" pretty much covers how I see her when I'm angry. I feel like, "Hey, thanks for giving birth to me but thanks for nothing else!".

"Broomhilda" is part of my finding humor coping strategy. I got that from my non PD dad. Dad was a funny guy with a side of sarcasm. He was very much like the father in "Life is Beautiful".  So since Broom-Hilda was a comic strip from the 70s (my childhood) and since my Broomhilda matches the Queen and Witch mothers in "Understanding the Borderline Mother" it's a convenient nickname.

So I suppose that referring to her as "Egg Donor" and "Broomhilda" is my way of acknowledging I will never have a real mother.

Thank you for your reply, P.F. Change.  I don't have a "real" therapist at this time but I do have a good support system in my husband and friends at church. I suppose I need to look into therapy but since I worked closely with psychiatrists and psychologists in my job part of me thinks, "Meh, what are they going to tell me that I haven't already heard already?".

For now I'm letting myself remember, talking it out in support forums like here and with my friends, and using some of my humor coping skills.  For example my take on "I hope you choke on it" for now is , "Well, it appears wicked people don't get what they wish. Ha!".

I can understand how you feel. I certainly prefer using "mother" to "mom," and oftentimes her first name has felt preferable to either of those. When I was going through the Anger phase, I definitely had a few other choice names that felt more authentic to me, too.

It's a normal part of the process to feel angry. And it's certainly ok to acknowledge that your mother isn't the person you needed her to be, and that you don't feel she is much of a mother. I really get that. Part of the healing process will be learning to integrate all of her positive and negative qualities into one cohesive picture. It can be tempting and even feel somewhat vindicating to take on a black-and-white view in which our parent is a complete witch or all-bad. It's also not terribly healthy and not something I would encourage anyone to take on long-term. Like I said, anger is normal and nothing wrong with feeling that way. It's just very easy to get stuck there and be distracted from doing deeper work on ourselves. Does that make any sense? That's one reason it can be really helpful to have professional support as we work through these things, so I think it's good you are considering that.

I'm glad you're here and hope you will continue working with the tools we have here. Let us know when you've had a chance to take a better look at the Survivor's Guide. There are a lot of substages, and those are not necessarily linear, but the main progression will be from Remembering-->Mourning-->Healing. I'll be interested to hear what you think.

You know what? I've spent nearly 30 years being the good, forgiving Christian. And I've been devalued, discarded, and disowned for the second time in my life. Plus it's come to my attention that everyone who crosses paths with Egg Donor these days is being treated to the tale of my being the ___ of (Hometown). So I think I've earned to right to be damn angry and IMHO it's really not very therapeutic to admonish me for being so just as I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm angry in the first place.

Secondly, there are those of us who indeed do have a parent who is "all black" with no gray. In fact there are some people in this world who are absolutely EVIL. I don't think one has to believe in any kind of religion to acknowledge there are just some individuals who have NO redeeming qualities. For example my NPD MIL. She KNOWINGLY exposed my children to her pedophile husband. Yeah, there's no "temptation" nor "vindication" on my part in my judgement of her as ALL BAD, thank you.

I'm a bit confused. I am not one to just jump into forums willy-nilly without lurking for awhile and getting the feel of the place I'm thinking about joining. I've read up to page 106 on this forum and it appeared to be a place of comradery for people with similar experiences in dealing with personality disordered people. Is this indeed a place where I can vent and share my experiences or am I going to be lectured about going through my journey at a particular pace and on a particular timeline whenever I post a simple observation? Maybe that's not how you meant to come across but right now I feel judged.

Hi again Reluctant Dragon

I hope you've been able to finish the holiday clean up  Thanks for answering my questions.


I understand where you're coming from here. Experiencing anger for what has been done to you is a necessary part of trying to heal the hurt. When you look at the the Survivor's Guide you'll see that one of the steps mentions anger and how to deal with it (step 6). You say you intend to start the year off examining the Survivor's Guide more closely and I really hope you do. Just recently I went through the entire guide again myself and it's interesting to see that as you reach different levels of your healing, you also interpret the steps differently as you reread them.


Humor can sometimes indeed be very helpful as you try to come to terms of the reality of who and what your mother is and how this has affected you.


Sometimes it's not only what people say but also how they say it. Certain people have the ability to get through to you or make you look at things differently. This could be a therapist but there are indeed also other options. Support forums like this can be very helpful and having a support network of good friends too. Everyone has to find their own path towards healing. You reaching out here and sharing your story is something I consider a significant step forward |iiii As difficult as it can be to discuss these kind of things, I believe it does help to get them out into the open. It helps you get rid of a possible sense of isolation and can also really help other people who are reading your story.


It must be very unpleasant for you that your mother says these things about you to other people. How did you find out about it? Have those people told you that your mother says these things? What helps me deal with the hurtful behaviors of my uBPD relatives, is drastically lowering my expectations of them and fully expecting them to misbehave and mentally and emotionally prepare myself for that. What also helps me is to keep telling myself not to take anything they say or do personally, because it's most likely not a reflection of who I truly am but more likely a reflection of their own inner turmoil and negativity. Easier said that done of course, I realize that, but I do find that keeping these things in mind helps me to stay calm and prevents them from getting to me too much.


After the abuse you were subjected to, you indeed definitely have the right to be angry. That's normal and all of us have experienced such anger and often still do. Considering how you're feeling, I get why you might interpret that post you're referring to as an admonishment. I personally think there's also another way to view the comments. All of us here are members with people with BPD in our lives. As a result we can very much relate to you and also to the anger you're feeling. One of the things we try to do here is share our experiences and also our lessons. Anger is natural, in fact it would be strange if you weren't angry after what you've been through. I believe the advice you've been given was just to share experiences and lessons with you to help you deal with the anger and move through it when you're ready.


I am very sorry your children were put in harms way like this. How are you and your children coping with this?


I share your initial conclusion that this community is a place of comradery. In my experience this is absolutely true. When discussing difficult issues like this, you will get various types of responses. People validating your experiences and also trying to share insights with you that might help you in your healing. You seem quite triggered by a particular response you got here. Now that a day has passed, how do you feel about things also after (re)reading everything here? Can you perhaps see how the responses were aimed at sharing insights and lessons with you to help you in your healing process and not aimed at judging you or lecturing at you?

Reluctant Dragon, welcome.   

I understand where you're coming from, and don't blame you for being angry. You didn't ask for this. You don't deserve it. No one would choose to have a mother with BPD. No child should be spoken to the way that your mother did.  :'(

At the same time, the anger does hold you back, and it's only once you start healing that you realize how much more fulfilling life is when you're not carrying that resentment. Believe me--I know that anger.  My mother has done some cruel things too. It's only after years of therapy and really doing some work on myself that I can see how powerful that anger was and how much better things are once you work through it.

I see the guide as a roadmap. Each step is a mile marker, and sometimes I stop along the way. Sometimes I have to take a break, and (especially if I don't use my GPS), sometimes I go backwards. Ultimately, the destination is freedom and happiness. You do have to work through the guide, and each step gets you a little closer to healing.

Like Kwamina, I'm curious to know how you're doing, now that you've had some time to look things over.