BPDFamily.com

Hi

Like many of us Im sure th pain I am feeling is natural. We have to deal with a break up that is so much more painful on so many levels than a normal break up. I feel like I've lost all my hopes and dreams and that my best friend turned into my worst enemy overnight. She was always a false friend and it was always high drama, having to get razor blades off her, having her dump hot food on my head but I have lost my purpose for being, keeping her even was a big part o my life and along with that there is no one to cuddle, and I can't imagine meeting anyone ever again. I'm only 34 and yet I feel unattractive and that no one will want me. I have a good job, im ok looking and im generous and kind but the women are not flocking to me and I don't understand why not. I have a lot to offer and its leaving me feeling really hopeless about the future.

Today is a bad day

Try being on the edge of 50, female, teenage kids, etc.  I am 18 months out and like you I feel unlovable, unattractive and that my future just went down the toilet.  Might as well start collecting cats.

It's after 5 am here on a Sunday.  My kids are away at their dads and instead of enjoying the ability to sleep in.  I got up at 4am to walk because I can't shut my brain off.

This sucks.  I am at least at a place where I don't cry uncontrollably.  I can work now.  I can force myself out of bed and onto to do what needs to be done.  But he took my fire and I have no idea how to get it back.  Couple that with rage that has never been me, and you get where I am headed.

Even if someone were to approach me romantically, I have no desire and really feel sick to my stomach at the thought of putting myself out there.  The risk is too great.

Painful isn't it. I was encouraged to throw all my eggs in her basket and despite the craziness and pain of the day to day living I believed we would help one another through, even if in reality she was only sabotaging and I was the only one actively trying to make this work while she did whatever the hell she wanted and I had permission to attend (and was often routinely humiliated). I don't want her. I want someone else. But like you, I feel ruined for anyone else. It's been 8 months out now, no break up has take. It's toll like this.

I suppose with everyone else there has always been an admittance of fault on both parts. My ex accuses me of abandoning her, everything is my fault and she also thinks I should pay financially. I have her everything I had, emotionally and financially and it was a bottomless pit of need with no thanks and often slaps and ridicule. And there are no words of sorry for the shell I have become. The trick, I believe, is to stop needing the validation from a source we know will never offer any. Their egos would self destruct in the face of blame, like children their egos are so fragile, we wouldn't seek emotional support from a child we wouldn't put our hearts in the hand of a toddler but in effect that is what we have done, huge grown up looking toddlers. I ignored the clear warning signs, I didn't believe anyone would not want the best for me especially in the face of my love. It's a shock to learn at any age. And trusting is going to be hard, i cling to the mantra that time will heal me.

I have days when I feel like that too. The bad days are hard. The collecting cats comment made me chuckle. Sometimes I look to my future and see me as the mad cat lady. I have no desire to find another partner. I just don't trust myself to be in a normal relationship. I don't think I would feel comfortable in one, too strange for me. I also can't see a healthy person being interested in me. My focus is on healing and becoming as healthy as I can be. In the back of my mind I hope to meet some one but I truly don't see that happening. Sad but it is what it is.

I will let you in on a few secrets:

1. Time does NOT heal wounds. Hard work and knowledge, and forgiveness heals wounds.

Yes, there will be a scar... .but scars are 'beauty marks' left for you to see; You Survived!

You have to put 100% of your focus on YOU and heal YOU and give YOU directions, hopes, dreams, goals.


For me personally:

I too, felt lost.

When I stopped thinking with my feelings / heart, and started thinking with my 'logical brain'... .

1. My ex was never my friend. Friends do not treat people the way he treated me.

2. The 'hopes and dreams and goals' *WE* had? Well it was never "we"... .it was just me. Yeah, he 'acted like' it was a we, but it never was. SO I will not mourn, miss, or regret something that never was.

I got duped; I know this now; turn the page.

I need to get on with life... .stop looking in the rearveiw mirror of life (and all that is in the past, and behind me) and start looking through the HUGE windshield of life in front of me (my future).

I do long for human contact.

I do not miss ex's contact; gross.

But I do miss human contact.

I am in NO WAY shape or form anywhere CLOSE to being ready for a new relationship.

I am healing "me" first!

Don't worry about 'meeting someone' (34? such a young one!)

Heal YOU and make goals, follow your passions, ect... .go live.

Trust me, when you are confident and living life, you will attract MANY potential mates!


No one will gravitate to a "debby downer' (ask me how I know! :-)

You need to get out there, follow a passion, a dream, a goal... .

Get out there and live life... .

That positive energy will ooze out your pours and put out a signal that will have people flocking to you trying to figure out what you are all about.

Personal appearance and financial standings are superficial and temporary things.

You don't WANT someone who is attracted to the superficial.

Because they are temporary.

BUT

Get out there... .and live? That will attract people who are attracted who WHO you are, not 'what' you are.

Those, are keepers!