BPDFamily.com

Okay maybe she isn't. But twisting people and being manipulative is her deal. She's been manipulating me for the last 3 years.

Back Story: She is my wife, who I left about 6 weeks ago. Yes, She's got BPD. Also, we have a lot of mutual friends. All of which haven't seen her BPD behaviour. Maybe some of the friends have seen a slight glimpse.

So here's the deal. We've been separated for about 5-6 weeks. I just found out (via facebook) that the best man at my wedding just got engaged. No phone call. No invite to celebrate. Facebook. I'm sad. He was the best man at my wedding and a very close friend to both my wife (soon to be ex) and I.

I feel my wife may be turning people against me. Borderline or no, people shouldn't sway other people to leave their friends. People should be able to make up their own minds as to what is best for them.

What do i do?

*welcome*

I agree. You can only control your actions and not someone else's actions i.e. your STBX. Her actions are her own and it's not something to worry about.

There are two sides to every story.

What sort of things is she saying to mutual friends?

Well I don't know for sure. My best man just went on a cruise so I can't talk to him for a little while. But when he gets back I'll go have a beer with him and see what's up. (And more importantly CONGRATULATIONS!... .HELLO?)

I talked to him awhile back about my STBx. He said she said a lot of weird stuff about us. me. stuff that didn't make sense to him. He was really confused about us breaking up. I found out that my STBx didn't tell him even half the story and he was shocked at some of the events of our relationship that i was sharing with him.

Anyway, I'll just have to be vigilant with trying to stay on top of the false statements somehow. And yes, there are 2 sides to everything. But additionally, my STBx is tenacious and getting people to take sides. And she's extremely smart. I'll just have to get through it.

A strange game. The winning move is not to play.

I understand the best man. My best man, is my best friend. He's known me for decades and I confided in him. He sort of understood, he's open-minded, an engineer and had a gf in the past diagnosed with Bi-Polar. He could empathize and was compassionate. That being said.

Much of the disorder and the acting out is behind closed doors away from what friends, family members, family doctors etc see. People that don't understand mental illness may not be able to interpret actions from a person with a distorted belief system and they'll get burnt out from listening to it.

Their perspective is from a logical or non-disordered mindset and applying logic to something they don't understand, a distorted belief system. It's not your obligation to explain or defend why and how she does what she does due to a complex and misunderstood disorder.

They may see a different person and not the person acting out. I suggest to not JADE (Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain) her actions and your marriage to people. This was your marriage.

It's frustrating and scary when we don't have control over what another person says about us. Understand that she is saying such things (not all pwBPD, some do) because she's triggered by much anxiety and stress. It shall pass, the sooner you disengage, the sooner her distortions will dissipate.

What has you worried about what she may or may not say?

I really have no idea what she will say. I'm afraid she will say anything to get them on "her side"... .I think I'm reeling still because in our former relationship all she ever talked about was "being on her team" "not on her team" and what she means is "I see you as black or white". I've come to learn that and that is probably influencing me.

The marriage is soon to be annulled?

No need to take sides. I'm sorry you are going through this.

The anxiety, stress, fear is perpetuated by the things we cannot control. Acceptance of reality. She may or may say undesirable things to whomever she chooses to. Letting go of the inability to control the things we cannot.

People that know better will come and approach you. Hang on to those friends.

There are two sides to every story.


Hang in there.


--Mutt

Yes. I've filed for divorce.

Thank you for the words. I'm hanging tough. Yes, I'm having a tough time with knowing who/what I could be doing to try to do "damage control" over what she says.