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Title: bf of five years is spending NYE with ex wife and teenage kids Post by: deux soeurs on December 29, 2014, 04:39:19 PM UBPDbf of five years is spending NYE with ex wife and teenage kids. They will be having a party. I asked him a month ago to spend NYE with me... .this behavior with living as a "family" for the kids is not new. I am finally at my end... .Please help me understand this whole triangulation thing. My whole relationship has been with BF and Ex or BF and kids. I deserve better. He is divorced over 10 years. I am divorced 3.
Thank you Title: Re: bf of five years is spending NYE with ex wife and teenage kids Post by: deux soeurs on December 30, 2014, 08:59:52 AM Anyone have anything to say? I just read about FOG and I am so in it. He is emotionless that I am upset by this. He is totally triangulating the relationship
Title: Re: bf of five years is spending NYE with ex wife and teenage kids Post by: Aussie JJ on December 31, 2014, 05:54:48 AM pinklipstick,
It is hard what your going through. We all have different things that effect us on these occasions, holidays. For someone with BPD the unstable attachment model that they have would have them wanting this connection around these times. Wanting to be close to there kids other parent make them feel good about themselves that they still have that 'family' dynamic even though it is a broken family. "just for the holidays" At this time this probably makes your BF feel happy that it is still there for these occasions, it isnt actually broken. It is hard to be in a relationship where you get cut off around these times. Gut wrenching even. For me, my ex has spent the last two holiday seasons with her new BF and my son. I havent seen him on Christmas for these last two years, her new BF has. She feels good when with her new attachment and this allows her to paint me as being all bad. Supports her feelings that she is good ect ect. For your BF he may feel good that he is with his kids on this date, be it his new GF (you) or the ex-wife is irrelivent to him. Having someone their to validate that he is a good father in this time is what he needs. I'm sorry that your needs are not being met at the moment. Do you have some friends you can go out with? Do you have family you can go out with tonight? It is ok for you to be a bit selfish and do somethign for yourself at a time like this to make sure you have friends or family around you at this time of the year. AJJ. Title: Re: bf of five years is spending NYE with ex wife and teenage kids Post by: deux soeurs on December 31, 2014, 07:38:44 AM Aussie I could kiss you... .lol. I read your reply and that is totally how he is. He is with ex, her family and kids every holiday and shuts me out. I have only met one kid one time for a few moments. No attempt to bring me in. He is also controlling and jealous. Wants me home and is awful to me when I go out. He is worried I will meet someone who will give me all he will not. If you have any more knowledge or insight on this situation, please share.
I am sorry about you exBPDgf and your son. Shouldn't you have Christmas every other year with your child? That must be heartbreaking and I do hope the tables turn for you Aussie. BPD is wicked. It is like an autoimmune disorder that we can not see. They look normal but there is evil lurking inside. Sometimes I wonder what I did that was so terrible to have brought this person into my life. I think 2015 is the year of leaving for this divorced, codependent but working on herself girl. Title: Re: bf of five years is spending NYE with ex wife and teenage kids Post by: Aussie JJ on December 31, 2014, 02:01:46 PM The hardest part is being shut out.
I had to lol as well at the I could kiss you line. I have felt that way in the past when asking about a problem or situation I have been facing. Thing is, your not alone just like everyone here on the forums isn't alone. One thing you do have is an extensive network (here) of people that will listen and understand the situation and how horrible it feels to be in these situations. Make sure you have that network outside of here as well, friends family, don't allow yourself to be isolated. In regards to the insight into these situations, I have insight or hindsight into how I enabled the behaviour. I sort of said it was acceptable when I was in the relationship. The most important thing is how this effected me and wore me down over time. I allowed this to happen, I know I didn't have a huge amount of choice (it felt that way that's for sure) however it was still me that accepted those conditions. Go out, have fun with your friends, one thing I am hoping is I don't get an immediate response here! Hopefully you are out having that good time with girlfriends and what not. For the future if this occurs, look after yourself be a bit selfish, if it causes a storm, tell him why you are going out. Excerpt I understand that you want to spend holidays with your kids, I want to be a part of your life and I struggle when you dont include me in those special times. I feel excluded. Their is no single answer to these problems other than look after yourself and do the best that you can. AJJ. Title: Re: bf of five years is spending NYE with ex wife and teenage kids Post by: Panda39 on December 31, 2014, 02:33:59 PM Hi Pinklipstick,
Here is a link to information on triangulation that you were interested in. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0 I'm sure this doesn't feel good and I agree with Aussie don't just sit home waiting for him to return, go have a little bit of fun yourself. He made his choice to spend his NYE with the ex and his kids so you make your own choice about how you want to spend the evening. Have some fun |