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I’ve read a few posts from people who claim they can now spot a Cluster B from a mile away.  For the newly initiated, can someone please share what signs and signals clue them in before one gets emotionally involved?

The way they seek attention. The way they make you feel. You start seeing the traits in people that aren't cluster b disordered too though. I think it's just hypervigilance to certain behaviors after being hurt by them.

A woman initiating and moving way too fast.  Doesn't necessarily warrant a diagnosis, but should be noted and not ignored, since there will probably be more 'features' to follow.

Instead of looking for personality traits and diagnostic criteria that may fit a cluster b, a better thing to look for are characteristics of an unhealthy relationship, such as lack of boundaries, respect, etc.

That's right, and once you see those things, sit them down and explain your concerns.

You have to be very careful around this because we all exhibit traits across most of the cluster groups, this is dependent on our environment, our FOO and our interactions through life.

Just as a pwBPD usually mirrors you, you can find yourself mirroring them too. Likewise, sometimes their actions are irrational but given time in an R/s and you might find that you fight fire with fire and pick up their behaviours. These are known as ticks.

The difference being we can identify with them, understand that something doesn't feel right and modify our own behaviours, where they can't do that without some serious help.

If you were to look back on the start of your relationship, I'm certain you can make a list of things that stood out that with hindsight seem very out of place. It's remembering these and also the pain associated with this that help in our healing process and help us to identify with future "healthy" partners.

Be warned though, not all of it is on them, there is a great deal of work on our side too. You do need to look out for the signs because they are there from the very beginning but you also need to take account of yourself too because it takes 2 to start the relationship and signs are only half the battle.

It's also good to really listen to what the other person is saying.

You'd be surprised how many of us here will say our exBPDs told us who they were upfront... .we just didn't listen, or understand what we were hearing... .or we were overtaken by magical thinking that had us convinced we were special.  

My ex said his exes described him as "Jekyll and Hyde," talked about a honeymoon period, said he'd been called too controlling, talked openly about childhood abuse, used all-or-nothing language, and basically did everything but hand me a copy of the DSM-IV opened to 301.83 Borderline Personality Disorder. (Much later I learned about his dx and therapy.) I didn't know anything about BPD at the time, but these are not particularly healthy things, regardless of a dx.

Regardless of possible PD or not, it's important to listen to what people are telling you about themselves, whether directly or not. Then decide if these things align with your idea of a healthy relationship.

^^^So very true. I failed to heed the warning.

This is a very good point.

The distortions, behaviors, etc. of pwPD are normal human defense/coping mechanisms -- they're just amplified and ever-present in pwPD. Instead of being occasional behaviors, they are integral parts of the pwPD's personality.


The fleas are no fun. I'm still shaking some off... .  my-issues I had a rough day today... .and all I could think was, "I know there was a time when I didn't worry that I might be crazy"... .lol

REALLY listen. Don't dismiss comments or let them go past unobserved. Ask questions if they give hints about themselves. Don't just let comments go. Mine actually said: 'I don’t have many answers of where I’m at because for the most part I don’t know' and I never asked why. Mine actually said she was much 'better than she used to be' (hinting at therapy) and I didn't ask what she meant. Mine said: 'I’m overly emotional (sadly it’s not just a passing phase)' and I didn't ask what she meant or why she felt like that.

Be aware of what healthy boundaries are. Don't dismiss your intuition. If you are feeling odd or nervous or unusual about something, that is usually because it is a red flag and it is a sign for you to either be extra vigilant for more red flags, or to walk away.

Read about co-dependency and what it means. If you are unable to enforce boundaries on behaviour that is not healthy, you will end up in a relationship with a Cluster B, and will find it the most painful, gut wrenching experience on the planet. Those same emotions were experienced by the hundreds of people who post on here.

I'm sorry, but that made me laugh out loud! :) :)

Point well taken, though.  Even though it's tempting to ignore red flags during the "honeymoon" or "infatuation" stage, we do so at our own peril.

I can still remember (at the very beginning of my relationship) that I spent a full 24 hours in a "panic" mode for no reason I could identify - feeling as though I should simply walk away from what was (at that point) a casual dating relationship.  I should have listened to my intuition.

I also just want to add that a    or two doesn't necessarily mean a person has a PD. It's really just something you have to keep an eye on. An indicator that there may be something up, so proceed with caution. One of the things I've noticed is that a lot of us after getting out of our relationships, become kind of hyper-vigilant. We start seeing BPD around every corner (I think it may be somewhat related to PTSD, but that's just a theory of mine). People have flaws. It's not necessarily healthy if we assume all flaws are indicators that there's something terribly wrong with a person. That doesn't mean we should ignore   's when we see them. That's a large part of what got a lot of us into this mess in the first place. It's just that we just shouldn't jump to immediate conclusions.

This is key. My ex actually did hand me a diagnosis report (for bipolar or one of the diagnosis she had at the time, it changes), she proceeded to tell me it was all rubbish but still, even if the diagnosis was wrong she was still clearly unwell

There are two things

A) listen to what people tell you, not just exes, ive had friends tell me they are 'selfish' and sure enough I found out to my debt later that they were. People tell you who they are very often, listen, believe them, and don't think you will change them and ... .

b) Be very aware of your own emotional state. When I took the papers and still went ahead I was 3 weeks out of a 5 year relationship where I had been dumped whilst on holiday. I was badly hurt, and should not have been in the position in the first place.

You live. you learn

I can pick cluster B's with ease on a few things, eyes is one of them and facial expressions.  Every person has traits (they are human traits) it's when they are overwhelming and dictate someones life and behaviours in life. 

Lets try this instead. I'll ask a few Q's and get you to reply to them and we can interpret what we have traits of. 

What do you desire to improve about yourself, what aspect of your life can you change to become a better person?   ( NPD = I am perfect, BPD = Stable relationship, soulmate, HPD = MEMEMEME all about me individual over the top response )

Next question based on first response insert a sort of feeler for the next response. 

What have you done in the pasty that your not proud of or would change again if you had the chance, I know I would change XYZ if I had the opportunity.   (XYZ = trait bassed BPD = relationship previously, NPD = acheivement based thing, HPD = dramatic event)

With these two questions, you get someones self assesment, break them down into parts, seperate them into multiple quesstions to get more information.  Just be awaare, you have to be honest with yourself as well.  This is a big thing, remember though, this is based on our perceptions.  I have some Histrionic traits, I know that, do I have HPD, I doubt it, my P says I dont.  What traits do you have ?


AJJ. 

I'll second listening to what they tell you.

Mine basically warned me repeatedly what she was like and I completely dismissed it and thought I'd be the great hero who rescued and fixed her.

So yeah,  listen to them and keep your ego in check.

I'm quite sure that neither of us will step into same river with someone else. Our gut feeling is going to tell us again that something is off, but now, remembering the shattering pain will prevent from dismissing the red flags and investing further into the relationship.  

According to a study, more than 50 percent of the romantic partners of Borderlines have enough traits to be diagnosed with an Axis II PD, so your last the question is spot on.

What traits do I have? What do I want from a woman? It was obvious from the first moment that my ex's  baseline emotional maturity was about the same level as a rebelling teenager at the age of 35. Still went on, as she fulfilled my needs. What does that tell about me?

I've tried to diagnose myself.  It isnt easy to examine your own behaviours.  My patterns are pretty much trying to solve others problems and ignoring my own problems. 

I dont know what diagnosis this comes under.  Dont care TBH, I'm now foccusing on myself.  SO that is quite NPD like and selfish.  Doesnt make it a bad thing though.  It's when I focus so much on myself and my own perception my myself is so great that it becomes unhealthy and I ignore any and everyone elses needs. 

Boris, it is interesting (and very hard) to examine yourself.  I am getting more out of thisprocess than learnign about BPD. 


AJJ. 

Codependent