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The past few MC sessions have been productive (for me).  This is in contrast to the previous year when most sessions revolved 75% around my wife's mental health issues.  And for good reason, a person who makes suicidal statements needs to be addressed before relationship issues can be really addresses.  So, I would sit and listen to her vent about how life sucks, vent about me, while the MC would validate her and try to steer her in healthier directions.  It was good for me to see that interaction.

The past few sessions, I've felt more comfortable, the MC has validated my concerns, and I have been more open about the things that are bothering me in the r/s.  Last night, my wife again wanted to do plenty of venting about my family, and the MC turned to me and asked me what my perspective was on all of this.  My response was that I understand my wife's frustrations because I share the same frustrations, but that I am no longer going to waste my energy worrying about them, because I spent years doing that and my family's issues aren't my concern.  My wife was a little agitated with my response, but the MC told my wife that I was dealing with my family in a healthy way, and that she needs to learn to do the same.  I told my wife that I would rather focus on her and me and us rather than whatever crap my sister is up to.  And then my wife understood, and claimed it was difficult.  MC then validated how hard it is to detach and set good boundaries.

But the interesting topic was when my wife was complaining about how my mom spends a lot of time venting and complaining about members of the family.  That alone is interesting because my wife spends 99.999999% of her energy focused on others, yet she is complaining that my mom does the same thing.  Then she complained that when my mom starts venting, I just walk away and she is left to hear the vents.  Then she remarked that if that keeps happening, she will eventually tell my mom off  .  She then asked why nobody ever says anything to my mom to get her to stop venting, and that in her family people would be more confrontational.  The MC then jumped in here, and said that me and my family members have developed a way to handle my mom's venting by not participating in it.  I agreed, and said that telling her won't do any good because we can't control her behavior.  I also remarked that she has always been this way (and for the record, she isn't that bad IMHO (my wife is much worse at complaining/venting  ), things have been better the past few years.  I also mentioned that people have said things in the past, yet nothing changes, and my dad and brothers and I have learned to just not participate in it.  To listen for awhile, validate her frustrations, then go about our own business.  MC then applauded our response, and suggested that my wife do the same, and that maybe I could help her with that when the next situation arises.   I told her I would.  My wife was still a little agitated claiming that someone needs to say something to her or confront her and that simply not participating was rude.  I told her that I am not going to waste my emotional energy on a negative situation of trying to say something to my mom that will get her to stop venting, because it won't work.  MC then said what will get my mom to stop venting is if she has nobody to listen to her. 

Gee, sounds like the lessons we teach here, huh?  :) :) :)  Interesting to hear that my wife claims her FOO is more confrontational and they can't just sit back and let other people's business be other people's business.

 

Might be interesting to let you wife play this out some.

So... "what does telling her off look like?" 

What will her reaction be? What happens if she doesn't react that way?

At some point... .it would get good to gently... very gently get to the point of what happens when people tell her (your wife) off... .or confront her... .

Exactly.  I think this needs to be examined.  Not to invalidate and saying that telling off my mom would be wrong, but examine whether it is likely to achieve the outcome my wife desires.  Or maybe just ask what outcome my wife does desire?  I tried that a bit today, by saying that saying something to my sister or my mom won't change them.  And if they don't change, she would be left with the same problem but with embarrassment on top of it.  I think it sunk in, at least a little, because she repeated it back to me later that she knows she can't change my mom or my sister... .

BTW, my mom and my sister are not horrible people.  My mom is just a gossip, and not even that bad of one, and my sister is self-centered.  But neither are mean, say hurtful things, or intend malice.