BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

First off: 

Wishing everyone an early Happy New Year!    May our new year end in a toast    to surviving with people with BPD in our lives.

As I read more and more on this site I realize the parallels that other people share that suffer with a family member with BPD.    One trait I have noticed with the two BPD people in my life is that I AM THE TARGET of ALL their hate/anger/blame.     My MIL used to target my husband's x wife until I came into my husband's life and she quickly moved the target onto me.  It didn't take a blink of an eye.  She made up stories about me, slandered me,  tried to "set it up" so that it looked like I stole money from my step kids (didn't work) and the list is pretty awful.  We went no contact and have been for over 3 years.

Now with my sister.  I knew she was always jealous of me.  I walked the eggshell walk and wanted it to work.  I gave up last spring really... .but then in July she sensed I was done and although I was laying low & quiet she went in for the kill and attacked me with texts and found the window to do it.    I have been no contact since then.     STILL,  she is targeting me.    She talks about me, blames me for everything going on in her life... .why family doesn't like her... .why she has no support system... .well life just stinks all becuz of ME.

My counselor explained to me that she doesn't think I draw this to myself but that people see an inner strength in me and hence why I am easy for sick people to target.   

I hurts to be a target and not beat myself up and say "I am mean".  My sister and brother who is mentally ill as well (not BPD) have been saying I am MEAN for YEARS.     I have a lot of friends and other family that love me.     I wish they would just stop.   They won't.    Hence why I am No contact.    UGGGH!

What's going on with your sister and MIL might be splitting (BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)) , where there are no shades of gray--everything is all-black (bad) or all-white (good). It is very hurtful being considered the black, or "all bad" person.

Sometimes there's no real reason for the person with BPD (pwBPD) to label you as all-good or all-bad. It could be because you're a strong person. It could be because the pwBPD feels threatened. My mother will switch it up sometimes--growing up, some days I was the all-bad child and sometimes my brother was.

How would you like to handle your relationships with your MIL and sister going forward? What can you do to focus on your strengths and all of the good things about you?

May 2015 bring you much happiness and peace of mind!   

Hi Geeky,

I don't know what I will do as far as what I will do with MIL and sister.   I am no contact with both.

As far as myself.   I need to continue to heal.    The holidays has stirred many emotions for me.   I am losing my aunt whom I have been very close to and family is just plain GONE.  With my sister out of the picture we lose my two nephews with her.      I try to focus on what is IN my life and it is not easy.  I have a wonderful husband.  I have two kids growing up.     I have a step kid that lives with us half the time but I always feel like they will leave too someday.   I don't have "real" family around me.    When I moved 4 years ago I left my roots behind and there is no going back.  I left friendship that were like family.     I have tried here to replace that but it has been a struggle.     So hard to make friends in new community once your kids are teens.

So I guess I am having a whine fest when I should just be thankful.  I keep telling myself that.    I can tell myself that over and over and over but to feel "loss" is just that.

Thanks you for reading my post & responding to it with encouraging words.   

Holidays can be tough. A loss is a loss, no matter how it happens, be it though death, NC, or other circumstances.  

I know it's hard, especially when you feel alone. I really like how you're trying to look at the positives in your life, as that can help you see that despite the hardships you're facing, there are good things around you. That can help.

It's ok to have a whine fest every now and then. That's normal. Don't beat yourself up for that, or for feeling the loss.   As you can see in the Survivor's Guide on the right, that's part of the healing process. This might be helpful too: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head' (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.0). I really like the mental image of not letting anyone "rent" space.

One thing that has helped me personally is to look beyond my FOO (family of origin) and really redefine "family." My FOO is dysfunctional (which is what brought me to this site :) ), but I have wonderful in-laws and good friends. Sometimes I do wish that I had the warm, loving FOO that I want, but staying in that place of mourning doesn't help. My family extends beyond my BPD mother and FOO--it includes my husband and son and in-laws, along with friends that are like family.

Hi Geekygirl,

Thank you.   I have to have these "releases" I call them but I really like the "not allowing people to rent space in your head" line.  Love it!  I should read over those tips.

I think for me becuz it is BOTH sides... .my husband's MIL has BPD and then my sister.  Two separate families.    When my husband and I blended our families BPD MIL got right in the mix and caused a LOT of problems and I was like a deer in the headlights.     All I wanted to do was love, love and be nicey nice and hug and embrace new people.    A bit like trying to hug Attila the Hun!  Although Ben Stiller does in Night at the Museum.

Appreciate you lifting me up a bit and yes,  we do all share these issues.    I have to work thru this and soon holidays will be over!     FOO FOO... .love it.

Happy Happy NEW YEAR!     

Hi funfunctional!  I wish you and yours a happy and peaceful New Year.     awww, heck, lets make it a double!   

I am sorry to hear about your aunt.  It is so good that you have had someone to be close too, but then it makes it hurt that much more when you know they are not going to be around forever.  I hope you keep posting here as you feel the need.  I think most of us can relate on many levels.

I really like GeekyGirl's words about the so called 'whine fest' (though i do not think you are whining at all).  There is a difference between whining and recognizing a hurt or a loss and expressing it.  Sometimes knowing the things we want the most are just not possible are the worst hurts of all (I am thinking about what you said about just wanting to love the new family you were hoping for and expecting when you and hubby blended families)

As for why you are being targeted, there are many possibilities.  I agree that it can be because they recognize a strength in you or some characteristic they want but lack.  the thing is, the why of it all does not matter as much as recognizing that it is due to some projection on their part and has nothing to do with you and who you are as a person.  Their targeting you or splitting you says nothing about your worth or your value.  It is all about their insecurities and hurts.  Their anger.  It is being thrown your way though and it does hurt and can be so very bewildering.  It is hard to not wonder what you may have done to cause it or what is in you that they may not like... .but in reality it has nothing to do with you.  Not one thing.

In spite of how sad you are feeling right now, as GeekyGirl pointed out, you are able to focus on the positives in your life and she is right about how it is important to do that.  Sometimes too though, that just makes us more aware of what is missing.  I think we will always have a part that grieves the loss of family no matter how well we may deal with the loss or how well we are able to accept what it.  Acceptance, by definition, requires feeling that absence.  It sounds like you are balancing things well though and you are even able to throw humor into the mix (Love that movie by the way!)

I am not sure how much free time, if any, you may have so these suggestions may not work but (!) have you thought about volunteering?  Maybe helping adults learn to read or volunteering at a shelter or whatever speaks to your heart?  Or take community art or cooking classes.  You could take a course at a local college or something.  Check out the meet ups available in your area.  A few friends of mine have had success in terms of meeting people.  Sometimes a hobby can help you meet other people with the same interests.  You could even hang out and read at the local book store cafe and see what happens.

I feel like a fraud making those recommendations as I very much enjoy being a bit of a hermit!

Plus, I find it very difficult to meet people and make friends.  So many people are already set in terms of who they hang out with.  Sometimes i wish we here could get together for coffee or something.  I feel a connection to people here that is hard to get in the real world, probably because of the shared experiences.  We just seem to get each other here.

You said you have to work through this... .and you are.  And you are doing it very well by not shying away from the hurt.  It is hard because you have it coming from both directions but remember, their targeting you is not about you, it is about them.  I personally think they are missing out on getting to know a really cool person. 

Take good care and again, I am wishing you a happy and peaceful New Year.

Hello Harri,

What a wonderful message you sent me.  thank you.  That REALLY made me feel good reading that.   Coming from both ends is a great description.    My husband and I have really been placed in rough spots with both sides... .his mom and my sister.   

I have thought about the volunteering and definitely am going to start searching for NEW things to do.   Right now it is a bit tough with taxi mom schedule working full-time and driving kids all over still. 

Emotionally I am struggling.   An inner wrestle where I do need something else or other people besides work and kids in my life and helping others really has been my thoughts.   I feel alone even though I am NOT alone.    I often do meditation and just sit and re-adjust my attitude because this is a tough time of year with cold and holidays to stay "upbeat". 

I feel like a bit of a hermit myself.    But I guess I am not totally.  My job is accounting work so I do a lot of behind the desk sit down quiet stuff.   

Thanks for reassuring me about the target thing.  I am blaming myself lately and saying "what am I doing wrong?".     I am so scared I am going to lose more family.     I need to be MORE positive thinking.   

*Hi! |iiii

That's a great idea, funfunctional and Harri! Helping others will definitely improve your mood.  |iiii It can help your self-esteem, and if nothing else, give you something to focus on. I know how it is, though, when you have a full-time gig and kids to take care of! Still, there are organizations and people out there who would be grateful for whatever you can do. 

Psychologist explained it to me this way.

We attack that which is safest to us.

No one attacks someone that they thing will attack back or have unpleasent repercussions.

We don't kick the neighbours vicious attack dog because we know we will get eaten. We don't hit the bouncer/cop/boss cause we know we will get beat up/arrested/fired.

If there are no proportionate consequences then of course we attack away. Its the whole poop runs downhill concept at its finest. The boss yells at the assistant who yells at the intern who yells at the summer student who yells at their younger sibling who kicks the dog. Never ever would it run the other way 'Uphill'.

Our pwBPD target us because we allow it. For example my exfiance has a NPD best bromance friend who treats my ex terribly. The ex will NEVER EVER target this friend because the ex knows that the friend will tell him to get lost in no uncertain terms. I on the other hand tried to understand his point of view, compromise, forgive and move forward etc. If I told him to get stuffed right up front he wouldn't dare target me again. As it was I didn't have nearly harsh enough consequences so I was tested with increasingly harsh behaviour and became a preferred target.

Does that make sense?