BPDFamily.com

?. By only interacting with them


Or by indirectly ,  by running a lifestyle wich involve rapid changing of partners, triangulations, multiple dudes, bringing home a new daddy often, etc?

In this case we have children been in therapy, but she knows what she is doing , doubt she knows how much is inflicting.

My wife's diagnosed BPD mother was physically and verbally abusive.  Clearly that had a direct effect.  But I also wonder if just as much damage was set indirectly by her mother not acting like a "mother" by setting a good example and modeling a proper parent/child relationship.

I worry about this should my wife and I have children.  I think she knows that screaming and hitting and throwing things are bad.  But I worry about the effects the constant negative attitude, criticisms, self loathing, and neediness will have on a child.  Something makes me think the cumulative effect of all that will be just as bad... .

Are you guys married?

There is no doubt that BPD has tremendous effect on children. In fact, many of the BPD people are a product of a BPD parent.

No she only an ex and we do not have children in common, I blew up on her and asked her to seek treatment, because i heard on of her children where in problems and needed therapy. She causing me problems by only interacting with me, wondef how much ___ she is causing with her offsprings, by only be present. Also she is engaging new men like hotcakes now, what kind of message to 6yo, and a low teen ?

yes !

I have really grave concerns should my BPD stepdaughter who i now care for should ever decide to have children

My short answer is yes without a shadow of a doubt. My h has BPD and although we got about six good years before BPD entered all singing and dancing, and my h relationship with our s6 remains intact and positive. I have noticed in the last year that our son has self esteem issues, he's super bright, does really well at school and has a wide group of friends, but he never thinks he's good enough compared to them. It took me a while to realise that he believes he can't be good enough because he has a daddy who is ill and will never be properly better. He has a play therapist that offers him emotional support to explore these issues. I thought that I had done a good enough job of protecting him from the worst excesses of his fathers behaviour, I had but I couldn't change the fact that his father has a mental illness and because of that our family life will always be different from others.

BPD in a mother, just the thought of it especially if they are low functioning as my h is, must be devastating for a child to be on the receiving end of. I'm an adult and I know how it feels for me.

 

This is a very broad question.

For purposes of BPD Family... .I think it is better to focus on what we can do as "nons" to give a good... .healthy... .parenting example to any children that we raise.

Lots of the "traits" that were mentioned are obviously negative for children to experience. 

You don't have to be BPD to exhibit those traits and not all pwBPD exhibit those traits.

Best to thing of BPD as a spectrum disorder... .from the "high end" where you wouldn't know anything is amiss... unless you got in an intimate r/s with a person... .to the "low end" where casual observers can notice harmful effects of odd behaviors on a persons life.

I've got 8 kids... .so I'm up for any kind of parenting discussion... .I've had a wee bit of experience in that deparment!  :)

It is a high risk environment which apart from any abuse concerns can result in an adult putting undue pressure on a child and not separating them from their own issues, by drawing them into adult dramas.

However, like most high risk environment kids can come through it OK if they have the right support. When someone with issues is the major, or sole, influence it can be a serious problem. If they are only one parent of a couple then the other can provide sufficient stabilizing influence, providing of course they themselves are grounded and not equally dominated by the pwBPD.

It is up to us nons to keep the kids grounded in reality to prevent the consequences and my-issues being passed on to any kids involved. My kids suffered before I found out about BPD and better ways to cope. In a way it was my inability to cope in those days that was causing a lot of their insecurities.

Remember if you are learning new life coping skills, these can also be passed onto your kids by example.

In short dont ignore it, but that doesn't mean the kids are doomed either

 

And... .if you can get a family T involved... .they can be the "boogeyman" that is "making" changes happen in the family.

They can explain what is healthy... .what is not?

For instance... .a family T can properly guide the situation and when appropriate help kids talk to parents about how they feel when they hear certain things... .such as Moselle's kids have heard.

Sometimes this can shake an "offending" parent out of denial and start working on getting healthier.

Involving children in things like this should only be done under guidance of a family T.

It was mentioned an example where an offspring of a BPD parent got bad self esteem in adult life, this is me, i got education and skills usually better than my peers, but still are not utilizing them bacause i am not good enough in my bad self image.

Wonder if there is a pattern here?

My mother is a diagnosed Schizophrenic, Bipolar, and qualifies for all of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.

There are many risk factors for the etiology of BPD.  It is not a guarantee if a child possesses some of these risk factors that they will eventually be diagnosed as BPD. Honestly during my childhood, I qualified for every risk factor for BPD.

I think FF makes a great point about therapy. I went to therapy during my childhood.  My therapy mitigated many of the risks. There are also other "interventions" or things that can mitigate the risks.  Waverider is absolutely correct that a supportive person/parent/family member can be the right influence. 

There are also people who are diagnosed with BPD that do not have FOO history of BPD.  Subsequently, there are people who have BPD parents who do not display traits of BPD.  It truly depends on individual characteristics and personality traits.

Unfortunately most of the damage is done before anyone, if anyone ever does, realize a personality disorder is at play. This is what has happened to most of the folks on the recovery boards

It is the hidden clandestine nature of the disorder that causes most of the damage to other people with in the pwBPD's circle of influence.

Once it is out in the open it's an easier thing to deal with