BPDFamily.com

Hello:

I hope to find a place to vent, to obtain understanding, to discover tools and other means of help and advice, etc.  I have been searching for online help for years and while there has been some information and it has increased over the last 5 years, most has not been "live" or interactive.  I thought I might give this a try.  

I have not yet read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" or other books by the same author.  Actually, the only book I have read on the subject is, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  I read this book when my daughter was 10 years old and it described her perfectly, even at such a young age, although nobody seemed to believe a child this young could have or be diagnosed with BPD.  It was her then and it is still her.  Some years later, she read the book (or skimmed through it) herself.  She seemed receptive at the time but later recanted and said that she has no such problems and that I just wanted to put a label on her personality which was perfectly fine.  

Her life has been one of constant turmoil.  Our family life, which is not perfect as it is, has been very unhappy because of the constant burden of emotional destruction.  She has been hurt, I have been hurt, her older brother and sister have been hurt, her friends have been hurt.  We have all suffered under the almost constant dark cloud of this disorder.  

I introduced my daughter to counseling for the first time when she was 10 years old.  She never wanted to see a counselor and I have tried a number of them over the years, on and off.  They all pretty much said that unless she wants help, she won't be helped.  I could see danger on the horizon and I really tried to head it off, but it was like watching a train wreck that I could not stop.  None of the counselors diagnosed her with BPD.  Her first counselor, when she was 10, just said she was a bit emotional and simply needed to develop coping skills for anger and such.  I tried and tried to explain that her problems were more serious, not just juvenile growing pains or slightly exaggerated emotions.  None of those counselors would listen to me.

Eventually, my daughter's impulsive, emotional behavior, led to her being kidnapped, raped, and sodomized and nearly sold/recruited into the human trafficking market as a prostitute at barley 13 years of age.  This was followed by yet more problems, since the rape experience further exacerbated her condition with PTSD. She was expelled from school during one incident and handcuffed and hauled away to juvenile detention - after a school fight when a bully threatened to beat her up and she stood up for herself... .but which led to intervention by a staff security guard who was a large, black man (like the one who kidnapped and raped her) grabbing her from behind and attempting to restrain her which led to a PTSD reaction; her going black and swinging wildly, for her life.  One of her wild arm swings caught him in the face and his lip was nicked.  He slammed her against a chain link fence causing bruising to her face and he then immediately filed assault charges against her (8 months after her rape, at the age of 13). And she was further victimized by our great system.  Her punishment was to be taken OUT of school, complete community service, and to receive counseling at the juvenile detention center. They didn't help either.  They only saw her as another bad apple who needed to be forced into discipline and respect.  They did not explore mental disorders and the rape experience was not one she wanted to discuss and they didn't seem to think it was a factor in her behavior.  She completely shut down around those counselors and it definitely turned her off to future counseling and any authority figures.

Since then, her success living her life has been sporadic. Most recently, she developed an eating disorder, falling into both anorexia and bulemia.  Sometimes, she puts me on a pedestal, and other times I am the enemy and she hates me.  Since I am her mother, I am the most patient with her.  I have nearly 20 years of practice.  Sometimes, I have cried and cried.  I am a passive person, a peaceful person, and I am not good at setting boundaries at all.  I don't like drama and I don't like being in the spot light. I am shy and quiet. My daughter however, is loud, desires attention, and is combative. She is also very talented being musically inclined and loves to sing, is very intelligent, and is a natural leader. Most of her sorrows in life have come as a result of her impulsive behavior and poor choices made during an emotional, volcanic explosion and fall out.  All she has done is blame me for everything.  The biggest failure on my part, was getting remarried when she was 9 1/2 years old. She was 10 years old when our family moved into my new husband's home.  He also had 3 kids, although older (son 21 1/2, son 19 1/2, and daughter 15 1/2 years old).  They all lived with us, so we had 6 kids combined into one household.  My other 2 kids were almost 14 (son) and age 12 (daughter). My husband's older boys weren't around much though, so it was mostly the daughter interacting with my kids. The combining of households didn't go well with my husband's kids being older and the daughter was very territorial at the time, making it clear this was her house and her dad. Consequently, there was always segregation. My BPD daughter has constantly told me that I abandoned her when I got remarried - well, as soon as we moved in to combine our families.  She also felt abandoned when I returned to work when she was 2 1/2 years old even though she had never been in day care up to that point and I had cared for her and her siblings as a full time homemaker.  Even when I went back to work, my sister provided the child care as she also had 2 boys, their cousins, in the same age range and she was a stay-at-home mom.  I had no choice but to return to the workforce because I had to leave my alcoholic husband in order to protect my children. So, all of this is just to provide a back drop so that there are some points of reference.  

Every day, I am on call with my 20 year old daughter.  She asks that I cook for her, she asks that I run errands for her, make and cancel appointments for her, sit with her at night and rub her back, head and/or feet.  I spend more time with her than I do with my own husband, yet he is still the evil step father and enemy.

Believe me when I say, he has also been patient with my daughter... .but as a man and as a step-father (and not a biological father), he has been out of his element and has not always been patient,  has been harsh and judgmental at times, has said mean things to my daughter that he would never say to his own daughter (but she is "normal" so why would he?), etc.  My husband has been guilty of "escalating" a situation instead of knowing when to pull back to keep the volcano at bay.  He has lost his temper in frustration, having had zero experience with dysfunctional living. He grew up with two parents who are still married and he and his brother were low maintenance, no trouble, good boys who presented no major problems.  I think the most serious problems he and his brother had were the occasional brotherly squabbles, a few resulting in some wrestling about, and the competitive bible scripture memorization that was battled out between them.  So, he lacks a point of reference for all the drama and emotion.  He is a good man and he has merely reacted when pushed to his limit. He has also hugged my daughter many times, tried to comfort her, and prayed for her.  Yet, my daughter still sees him as a bad person who doesn't care about her in the least.  

So, almost every day brings some kind of drama and only my daughter's point of view matters. She can't seem to put herself into the other person's shoes, although she insists that she does.  I get tired and worn out. Even after all these years, I don't know when to go away or to stay when she yells at me to leave her presence, to get away from her and leave her alone.  She has cursed me and cussed me up one side and down the other. She has physically attacked family members, has gotten into physical fights with other people, has destroyed our house when in a rage by throwing things, punching walls, kicking doors in, etc.  

Just the other night she tried to attack her 23 year old brother after screaming and yelling at him (he has been staying here temporarily).  She grabbed two folding backless chairs/stools and tried to throw them but smashed them into the floor (caused more damage... .big dent in our laminate floor). She did this, after throwing a large plastic cup of water in his face, then smashing the cup into the floor and breaking it.  Then, she charged him and started to hit and pummel him and he was forced to restrain her to stop her from hitting him and smashing up the house even more.  After she ran out of energy trying to escape his grip, he let her go and she ran outside, into the night, in her bare feet and stayed away for about 20 minutes to half an hour.  She hasn't gotten this worked up in a while.  She already had a case of laryngitis and asthma, so her screaming and yelling only made it worse. She blamed by son for "making" her yell because he wouldn't "leave her alone" after he confronted her about the dramatic phone calls she kept taking from her ex-boyfriend, my son telling her to stop taking the calls or take them to another room in the house so that he wouldn't have to hear her cursing and yelling on the phone. She just exploded after that. I tried to tell my son to back off, but he said he was tired of her walking all over him and everyone else in our house and insisted on standing firm.  He was not screaming or yelling but firmly, in a raised tone, confronting her.  Wrong thing to do when she was already emotionally worked up.  But this is what happens all the time. Her emotional outbursts are like hot lava and ash that burn and cover everyone in their path. I really have no idea what to do.  She kicked me out of kitchen earlier because my son tried to talk to her about what happened the other night. He was not yelling, but she started to yell at him, curse him, call him a selfish prick, and on and on.  All I said is that he only wanted to talk things out and she  cursed me for taking his side.  I was in the kitchen so that I could make her dinner and create some herbal remedies to help her feel better. She said if I made her anything, she would throw it all over, so I had better not.  

My daughter is 20 years old and she is still acting out like this. She won't see a counselor and even if she could, her insurance has a high deductible so it would be a cash expense, money she doesn't have and I don't have.  She suffers from depression, PTSD, and her eating disorder. She does not believe she has BPD or any kind of mental illness.  She says that I have tried to label her as "crazy" and I never have. I've never used this word or other similar words.  Her biological father's mom, committed suicide at the age of 28 when she had small children (dad was about age 5).  We don't know much about this woman or her health history. My daughter's dad is an alcoholic.  My mother is an alcoholic and her father was an alcoholic. There seems to be a family history of depression, addiction and other problems.  I'm not sure if my daughter's problems are genetic or a combination of genetic with just the right mix of environmental ingredients but whatever the cause, I just want to help but I don't know how.  

I try to be patient, helpful, listen, not be confrontational, validate, etc.  Many times, it's just not good enough.  I am 50 years old and I'm really getting tired and worn out.  I feel like I'm still taking care of a child in many ways.  I guess I am.  Well, I'm caring for someone who suffers from a disability.  It's just hard sometimes and I hardly ever get a break since my daughter lives at home. I wish for peace.  I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of the negative vibe, the constant cussing and F-word, the yelling, the unhealthy relationships my daughter won't let go of that upset her so much and keep the drama going. It's exhausting. So, this is my very long story in the shortest version I can manage.  

Whatever help you can offer, I am grateful.

 *welcome*

Hi ngarrett,

I would like to welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing, hurtful when we don't understand the behaviors of a loved one and see them go through difficult situations. You may feel like your "walking on eggshells around them" and feel emotionally exhausted and down

You may not know how to help her if she refuses to get help and counselors are downplaying it by saying it's growing pains. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles when you were asking for help for your D and you didn't get help. It's heartbreaking to hear

Your D has gone through much difficulty with being kidnapped, raped and sodomized. I'm so very sorry for what she's been through and as a mother it must be very difficult to have a loved one go through this.

Don't be hard on yourself.  Your not a failure. BPD is a difficult disorder and you were making the best decision for yourself and your family? I'm sorry to hear your D20 felt like she was abandoned.  

It sounds like there's much conflict with D20 and family members. A pwBPD have difficulties self soothing and feel emotions more intensely than a non-disordered person. BPD is complex and often misunderstood, it's an emotional based disorder.

A pwBPD need extra validation. Feelings equal facts where facts then feelings for non-disordered individuals. You'd like for her to get help and she's not ready to get help.

Her reality is real to her just as your reality is to you. BPD is ingrained into her personality, a difficult thing to change. We do have members were their child has gone into treatment. I'm glad that you have found us. Many members here share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support.

Your D20 refuses to see a counselor, she's made this clear. Are you seeing a counselor? How about family family members, are they talking to someone?

Have very very many similities to your story not many awnsers though unless it helps to know there is someone else out there like you what immediate fire are you facing I find it way to overwhelming to face it all at once ( mine is a looming meth addiction ) 

in certain circumstances i have threatened to throw her out of the house unless her behaviour changed this helped with her immense sense of entitlement ( which may be the first thing you shoulg look at) ( she turned 18 yesterday) an also threaten to call the police on occasions ( who have been here on two occasions when called by the neighbours an once by me when i had to get her into an ambulance she is in therapy and is not adverse to it though not engaged either an was until recently under an involuntary treatment order if you mention BPD she will just about physically attack you though ( family history similar horrific stuff 13 to 14 blended family 6 kids I am her step dad though an she lives with me her full sister an half brother her father commited suicide when she was two an her BPD mum melted down at the end of her really bad year )

Thank your for your reply.  I have not seen a counselor and it has been on my mind to do so for a long time. I just need to make it happen. I work full time which makes this a bit of a challenge. My BPDD has been suffering most recently from a recurrence of bulemia. On Christmas day, she told me that she had written her will and she does not expect to live past the age of 25. She talks about giving up on life all the time. She says she wants to kill herself. She tried pills once, a couple of years ago, in an unplanned, impulsive reaction to her ex-boyfriend's abuse but got sick in the police car that was taking her to the emergency room. The mental health nurse there also shrugged the behavior off as adolescent growing pains and nothing to be concerned with. She was released with a clean bill of mental health - diagnosis, being a typical teenager. My D now says that she would never take pills since her body will obviously reject them. Instead, a gun is sure to get the job done. All week, she has talked about dying. What a great Christmas holiday. Yes, I want to see a counselor and my other D who just turned 22, has expressed interest too since she has been greatly affected.

Just further to my previous posts I may have come across as slightly heartless ( In reality her sister is always telling me i should be harder on her ) but 95% of the time we hve a very good relationship the next morning after I last threatened to call the police an she came to me I immediately asked if she was ok She replied she didnt like me yelling at her to which i replied i raised my voice ( to be heard over her screaming ) an I dont like screaming at her either she accepted this quite happily an the day settled down well