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Today we had a long conversation. Very not helpful or productive. Was trying to validate while facing a mix of accusations, self pity on her part, name calling... .and pretty much I was able to minimize the damage. I don't think I made her feel good but at least said my point very clear.

Part of the conversation was about marriage counseling, and she said something that I was stunned by. She doesn't want to go because they will "make her" accept all of the things she thinks are unacceptable (such as me being a slab), and "force her" to start looking at all of the good traits that I posses because she doesn't care for them and doesn't want to start to care.

"So you would rather be miserable your entire life seeing my flaws instead of trying to live with it?" I asked, quite surprised. It seems like the answer is yes!

I guess if you are a BPD and you always feel that the person next to you is "something", you must be on the lookout because that will imply that you are nothing. So keep on minimizing them as much as you can so you will be less of a nothing.

What do you guys make of this?

Seems a typical attitude for what i have experienced, and it has been sloow to change.  It's like a teenager mentality: "I'm on top of the world, am a unique person who is just as important as anyone else, and everyone else must respect me."  I remember a few weeks ago in MC when my wife went on a big long rant about my mother.  I then made some kind of comment that my mother is who she is and I love her and want her in my life.  My wife then said something like, "well, I can't just accept her!"  To which the MC said, "well, unfortunately you have to.  You can't change her, he can't change her.  She is who she is, and you have to accept that."

And a recent MC session similar was discussed, with her wanting and raving about my family, asking why nobody confronts each other, and both myself and the MC explaining that confronting won't solve anything, and that she needs to learn to accept things the way they are because getting others to change is beyond her control.  She seemed to listen and understand, but an hour later she was complaining about my driving :)

She still complains about my mother and goes down that road, but not to that extent lately.  But that is her attitude towards life in general.  The other day she mentioned that she didn't originally think I was "strong enough" to handle her, and was worried that she would "break" me.  Whaaaat?  If she knew she was a difficult person, and worried that weaker people would break under her personality - then why not work on herself?  Yet she complains about everyone leaving her... .?  Her attitude is that she is an emotional person and should be allowed to be who she is, annoyed by everyone and everything, and they should accept her and she doesn't have to accept them. 

There is a perfect thing to have her "help you understand... "

Has she ever tried to express or explain it this way?

I would ask her "how she knows this?" 

Perhaps this is not what is going to happen... .

If it is a concern... .she should certainly bring it up with the counselor when you guys first show up... .

That would be an entertaining thing to watch or be part of... .

Do you want to go to MC with her?