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I never took any time off work.  Luckily I work with computers and they don't flinch when the tears roll down your cheeks.  It was the most painful time ever and I just wanted to be alone in bed during the day.  I had to leave the office on occasion to find a lonely place to grieve for a while.  My work performance wasn't perfect but acceptable enough for me to keep my contract. How did you manage work and the break up turmoil?

Yes but just barely.

I am a manager at my place of work and my performance was beyond unacceptable,  I snapped at my staff,  went on breaks constantly due to anxiety,  went home early a lot and more.  My staff eventually complained about me (rightly so) to our state manager who stepped in and wrote me off for a few weeks.

I survived mainly due to having a stellar record.  I was dining out on my reputation for a period of a month or so. To be honest though I think permanent damage has been done to my reputation.

I don't really care that much though,  to be honest it was hard enough to motivate myself into staying alive let alone perform at work.

I lost my job.

It was a great job, with an amazing company.

I was blind sided... .and the trauma was too much.

I was out of work almost a year, before I could even function in society.

It was bad.

I was a complete wreck. Only able to focus for maybe 15 minutes at a time.

Luckily my company restructured, and I got a chance to have my employment terminated with a generous compensation. That gave me the chance to take nearly 6 months off to focus on my recovery and on setting up the new life for my children. After around six months, I was back to normal.

I am maybe still not at 100% of what I used to be, but that is because of the physical and emotional strain of being a single dad. On the other hand, I have learned to do more with less in almost every aspect of life :)

I'm trying to hang in there. Its been a month, I have gone to work but had some weeks off, when I get back on monday I will have to bring my a-game.

I'm at work right now and an utter mess.  Have been for the past 2 weeks.  My anxiety goes through the roof a couple hours before the end of my shift.  I live directly downstairs from my ex-fiance.  It has been torture.  Trying to move asap, but in the meantime, she is already rubbing new guys in my nose.

Some days I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Been taking Klonipin like M&M's  lately.

I feel for all people in our situation.

Wow, I don't feel so bad now.

I had two jobs, mostly working from home. I too could only concentrate about 15 minutes at a time but working from home saved me a bit. I had so much nervous energy I filled two dumpsters with the junk my exh (not BPD) left behind. I'd work, clean, work, clean, 12-18 hours a day.

This was my dream life, one I had been working towards for well over 20 years! But every minute was a struggle and one of the jobs was with an OCD, Type A, dyslexic guy that would put me in such anxiety when he called that I started to avoid his calls (I learned I had not set good boundaries with him as he felt he could call me at any time from 7am - 10pm 7 days a week, and that I was not the only person that had these issues with him). But all that didn't matter as we had a mutual "this isn't working out" phone call a year into the job, 9 months after my uBPDx stopped talking to me. The guy tried to hire me back 6 months later but he told me I had to quit my other job and devote myself exclusively to him, then he couldn't nail down pay and work location, so I declined. I did spend 40 hours getting his books caught up and it took him months to pay me half. Years later I still miss that job and industry and like the other poster said, it's possible I damaged my reputation there as it's a small industry and all the reps talk to each other. I would do just about anything to get back in that industry again.

The other job I managed to keep and to this day I have no idea why. The boss is very hard though often fair and she did make my life miserable for awhile but I stuck it out. I even broke down in front of her one day and really thought she'd can me after that. I walked out of the office numerous times in tears. Again, so lucky that I was able to work from home a lot. I still have it.

In late 2010 I got two other jobs. In one, I worked in a front office about 12 hours a week (with maybe 4 hours of real work) but I rarely had to interact with anyone. It was heaven. The other one had a little more interaction but the guys made me laugh and I kept to myself for a long time.

But wait, there's more. I really don't admit this to anyone... .I got hooked on calling psychics. I figured when he came back (because they all said he would) it would be worth every penny spent. Of course he didn't, and I spent over 10k on credit cards which I'm still paying off. So that distracted me from work as well.

I also put myself into adrenal fatigue which triggered a thyroid condition. I have been trying to treat this for 2 years now and I'm still not myself.

It's not like I didn't have other break ups in my years. Why on earth did this one do such a number on me?

I actually took 3 months off from work 2 years into the relationship for depression. My work performance was suffering and it was a constant struggle to concentrate for even small amounts of time. Fortunately I work in a family business so I was not at risk for being fired.  Funny thing is she almost convinced me to quit my job. I had no idea what was causing the depression but it was severe and difficult to get under control. Looking back it is now totally obvious that it was the relationship that was driving me literally crazy. She actually worked for me so being at work was a trigger in itself. When the relationship ended 9 months later she quit working for me (she quit when I threatened to show everyone the communication between her and the guy she was f^cking) so it was instant relief and my concentration at work returned almost immediately!  It was amazing how fast my focus returned.

No I was fired pretty much. That's when I started my business. I couldn't function.

I started a new job a month before my xBPDh dumped me.  I think this had something to do with it as I no longer had as much time to devote to him and he didn't like that.

Fortunately, the new job took my mind off things a bit as I had to concentrate on other things when working.  I really love my job and that fact that it was so challenging and enjoyable really helped me.  Also I meet loads of people and get to talk with older people about all sorts of stuff and hearing of their experiences helped me too.

I don't know how I got through the days though.  I was barely eating or sleeping.  Somehow I found some superhuman strength to manage and actually exceeded what I was expected to do.  My manager and colleagues knew what I was going through and were very supportive.  It is due to their belief in me that I gained an increase in self-esteem and began to believe in myself again.

I can honestly say that my job helped me more than I could ever have thought possible.

I became like 30% more productive over night. Suddenly I had the time and the focus. Before the breakup I had 100% responsibility for a toddler (my wife was magically able to parent again when we split) and it was an enormous pressure living with the enemy.

It was much worse when I fell in love with another woman after a few months. Couldn't work for weeks!   lol

I think my reaction was down to the fact that I had realized long before the split that the rs was doomed and I secretly wanted it to end.

Great post.  Get this…I work with pre-teens and am "ON" most of the day in front of them or staff.  The break-up was honestly the most horrifying and confusing period of my life!  I thought the pain would never end.  I almost drove right past my job to commit myself at the nearest hospital on many a morning.  I don't know how I survived, but I'm thrilled I persevered and got through it.  Luckily toward the end of the year and I used the rest of the summer to continue shattering and try to get my act together.  My ex was doing such bizarrely cruel things on a daily basis that I didn't even know how to explain anything to anyone who may have inquired.  

WhyMe?,

My heart goes out to you, but it worries also about those who silently behave in the ways you bravely admitted here.  I have learned and fully believe that we all repeat patterns until we heal them.  Healing from trying to love a personality disordered person (whether diagnosed or not) is terribly painful, but a pain we can heal from if we do the work.  Wishing and hoping a personality disordered person will come back into our lives is self-inflicted suffering and an open wound that reveals a deficit in our own self worth.  

I kept working, even taking on extra. I was on auto-pilot but still functioning. Having somewhere to go and people to interact with (laughter, as it's said, is pretty good medicine) has helped me get through the breakup in many ways. Otherwise I would have spent more time at home ruminating.

Nope got fired. Almost lost my licence. Almost failed my final exams in university.

Now even 8 months later I struggle to work. Its slowly improving but its tough.

I walk everyday at lunch hour and that helps. It just gets me totally away from work and into nature.

I also leave my phone at home as much as possible or turned off. My best friend went with him so any text or Facebook stuff is just triggering or baiting. (Blocked the ex but still FB friends with the ex best friend.)

So in short no work (and school) did not survive. I however did.

hope2727,

Busy yourself as much as possible.  You can't change the past, but you can get busy in the now.  Your healing will accelerate beyond what you can imagine once you force yourself to do more, much more, than afternoon walks.  Get off FB as well, completely.  Try meet up.com 

this is a painful thread but sharing these experiences i think can be strengthening, to see how we dealt with this aspect of life and learn that others have had such times too.


i am truly, sincerely sorry to hear that gp, and i hope you're regaining yourself now. i too was blindsided, and my wife claimed she had consulted with some friends and her therapist before doing it, and this left me feeling rejected by the human race. i may be in the same line of work as Hope0807, as i work with preteens and need to be "on" with both kids and colleagues all day. it happened to me at the end of June last year (2013) and i had two months to pass through incomparably my blackest days, basically clinging to life. then with the students i had to grip myself as hard as possible to focus in the classroom while there was a fury of hormones and emotions raging in my head. with colleagues, though, i became more open than i had even been (i'm not the gregarious sort), needing instinctively to create social connection. it was reciprocated. i picked a very few to confide in and they were magnificent (teachers are good people). professionally i came out of it alright, though there were times when i didn't know how i was facing another day (my mother deteriorated and died during the year too).

if you're young enough, you may want to take into consideration the people you work with when picking a line of work. i interned at a law firm for a summer, and came right back to academics, and i'm not the only one who has made that decision.

It's truly saddening to hear some of these stories.

In my case, one of the "healthier" coping phases I went through following my BPD exW filing for divorce was to devote myself to my work.  I run a small business, and though I don't own it, function as a stand alone entity.  As long as things are running smoothly there is very little oversight.  So after handing things off to my number two for a few days following the event, I threw myself into my work.  Staying busy helped me keep my mind off of the situation during the day, and gave me a much needed reprieve from the time alone in the evenings.

Oddly enough, I think that if I had needed time, I could have gotten it.  When I informed my boss (who bought the company only 4 months earlier) of my situation when he stopped out for a brief visit in November, he showed a great deal of legitimate concern and has constantly checked in with me since.  He seems to be the type who values his employees' well being, and has continually gone out of his way to help people on his payroll he barely knows.  Even to the point, where he was aware that my secretary had left an abusive relationship with her GF before I knew.  Considering he lives out of state, the level of concern for people he has met twice is impressive.  Guess, I got lucky as the former owner (who sold to the new guy in July) was the type who was apt to lay you off for having a down day.

This is a great discussion topic and although some of the responses are really quite sad I am much more relieved to know I am not alone.

I too lost my job.

What did not help is I was previously dealing with depression, anxiety and the job, although in an interesting industry, was soort of falsely sold to me and was much more mind numbing than I had first expected (threw a lot of my ideas for a career up in the air).

However, since the BU with my nonEX and then the manipulation and abuse from his dBPDnewgf it all took a nose dive. I took loads of time off work, would be distracted at work and had a poor performance, I became withdrawn and almost intimidated by my colleagues. I had to have a half day once a week for therapy but did not want to tell anyone at my job what the 'medical' issue was so I think they thought I was lying. I even had a pretty major fall out with one of the higher up managers. I just felt really trapped, really lost, very broken, spent my time self harming, contemplating suicide and on many occasions (as someone else mentioned in this thread) seriously considering going to hospital and admitting myself. Work was just at the bottom of a really rubbish pile and crud.

The company started having some issues about 7 months after my BU, and there was a temp member of staff they wanted to keep on as a perm but to justify it they would need to let someone go. I was just easy pickings. Was made redundant. My manager was really sympathetic, she too suffered with depression, but that obviously couldn't change anything. In some ways I was relieved but I haven't had a full time secure job in over a year now; I'm only just starting to feel able to get out there again.

This was after being exposed to the full on brutality of a pwBPD for around 6 months? And not even physical, constant contact! I really feel for the people here who lived with/had intimate r/s with these people. Bless you!

":)id you survive work commitments during break up?"

No. I was fired.

My "wife" took our car, our money, most of our stuff, was forced to scramble to even find a safe or healthy place to live, had to drop out of college because of no transportation and also was left physically injured from a vicious attack by her.

I had a really, really hard time grieving the abrupt loss. I was unemployed at the time and started going to AA mtgs. as I was afraid I was going to drink myself to death. I did get a LOT of support there and found a T and group T and work, too. I was in so much emotional pain I literally almost could not cope with it.  I started working with a construction crew and I really had a hard hard time keeping my grief to my self... .especially if something triggered it. I am talking wretching and nausea. Toughest time I ever had in my life. I could not believe that someone that I cared so much about could be so so mean. She treated me like I had run off with an 18-yr. old, when she was the one who cheated and ran off. The way she acted was vindictive I could not wrap my head around it. It damn nearly killed me... but I got through it... .one second, minute, hour, day at a time. It was tough.

I think work actually helped a lot for me mentally and it distracted my mind and helped me feel useful and added to my self esteem.

My therapist tells me busy is just a way to not have to pay attention and sit quietly with my feelings. Besides which I could barely breathe or function let alone be busy by the end of the relationship. I did manage to complete my degree but it took everything I had and my marks definitely suffered from the trauma. I lost a lot of friends in the smear campaign but made new ones. I am not close to my immediate family as they can be very toxic so I really was alone. To top it off my mom was very ill and almost died during this period. I am super close to her so it was a very rough time. She ended up both physically and emotionally far away from me (she has a brain injury) and it looks like I am going to end up in a legal fight for her care. Such a fun family I have.  

The best advice i got was to rest. Rest, sleep, eat if I could and rest some more. Allow both my body and mind to heal. I didn't even attend my own convocation ceremony as I simply couldn't manage it. I was told to give myself permission to be completely selfish. To call when I wanted company, to sleep when I wanted to shut off the world, to attend group therapy and the psychologist when I could manage it and not when I couldn't. I asked for help with the simplest of things like mowing the lawn and getting my house cleaned. I worked when I could find it but left the office every lunch hour to walk in the local park system alone. This is something I still do. It is part of just being with my emotions. It is also part of not being drawn into relationships in my work environment which is not a healthy one. It is not an option to leave this job so distance and detachment are the best options.

I am doing so very much better. I went back to the gym on month 6ish. I am cooking real food again (vs. takeout). I am cleaning my house out from my mother's things. I am purging my own closet. I am begining to want to study again and starting to look at options toward this end. I am digging my way out of debt. I am meeting friends for coffee. I am starting to care about things that were important to me once. I am laughing. Like I am really belly laughing every once and awhile. It always makes me think of that line from sex and the city movie when they tell Carrie "someday when something is really really funny you will laugh again". It is true.

Some things are still to hard. I went (with great difficulty) to an annual family even that I and my ex loved. I managed about 20 minutes before my beloved cousins snuck me out the back door sobbing.  :'( They were amazing. They too have suffered huge losses and were so incredible. They totally understood and are checking on me regularly. I so love my mom's family. I was going out for NYE but ended up staying in. It was the right decision.  |iiii I am making soup today.  :) Tomorrow I am meeting my cousin for a glass of wine. Saturday I am getting a haircut. 8 months ago I could barely manage a shower and a bowl of cereal. So things do improve.

Don't give up on yourself. Be gentle with your wounded soul as that is what it is. Be kind to yourself. Practice self care. Hug what you love, sit quietly with your emotions, work when you can, ask for help, seek therapy, try to put good food in your body (the expensive ice cream was invaluable), rest your body and your mind but most of all rest your soul. It is deeply wounded and takes a long time to heal.    

My  mom's brain injury is still healing at year three post trauma. She has recently regained her ability to read. My psychologist told me that my emotional and mental injury is similar. They told me to have my mom sleep in a dark room as much as possible and she did about 18 hours a day with short periods of quiet time awake for meals etc. That is almost how I took care of myself. A cool quiet dark room that allowed my mind to rest and heal after all the turmoil and confusion and chaos. I feel better now but I continue to focus on healing. I continue to focus on rest. I am in bed by 9 and the phone is off. I do not carry it in the day. I stay in and sleep many times when I could be out and about. I am extra careful with my driving. I am super protective of my time. I say no to many invitations. But I do laugh and smile and play again.  *)

Yes I almost lost everything. But I didn't. I won't. Neither will you. Be brave, stay calm, wait for the signs.

We broke during the down season in my business. It was quiet and I was in deep pain. I stayed in bed a lot. I went to the library, I read 4 books on self help in one week then amazingly I found this website and started to read and post. I then took a meaningless seasonal job to occupy my time and get me out of bed! I worked 10 hours a day so had little time to think about him and the replacement. It helped.

Right now I am taking classes. My job will pick up after the first of the year. I look forward to that.

hope2727, that was very inspiring.  You really describe exactly how we should be taking care of ourselves through these difficult times.  Those early weeks and months were just a blur and I got through it by doing very similar self-care.  Thank you for sharing this.

I worked through my BU, recycle and BU.  I didn't take time off.  I am very lucky to have a great job and a great boss.  I work alone and sometimes with my boss but that's it.  I work on a computer so I don't have to interact with people.  I was really thankful for the routine of my job during the craziness of this past year.  I had a reason to get up, put on some makeup, make my lunch and get out of the house.  Like Hope2727, I started walking on my lunch break and even a quick walk on my coffee break (where before I just worked through it).  This has helped a lot.  I've been split with my ex for almost 7 mths and I haven't even told my boss.  We don't talk much, he's a quiet and private guy so he doesn't ask any questions.  Maybe he's noticed I'm not wearing my wedding ring anymore, not sure.  He's gone a lot out of the office which is great as it has allowed me a lot of time to read online articles and ebooks when we have downtime. 

Pingo,

Thanks for reminding me. I also got into the routine of working out. I go to the gym about 5 times a week now. I work out for around an hour and it helps me maintain my sanity! I am in better shape than I was, I also decided I am going to get massages and see a T. Money well spent to get over this ex fiancé!

I am making 2015 the year that I begin to take care of myself? Anyone care to join me?

was about three months before i could work again

I "called it in" for about ten months. I'm still not back to 100%. My Ex broke up with me after I came home from working both weekend days on a job that literally saved most of our division. I rarely worked weekends, and it was the first time in my 23 year career that I ever worked both days. Luckily, my boss has known me for almost all of that time (from a previous company), and I got a lot of grace. Our company was taken over in 2011 by a much larger one, and he doesn't have the power he once did. I need to really step it up this next year. Get back my old self. My boss, who's known me since I was 22, observed that this experience changed me.

I just want to thank everyone for sharing on this thread... .it has helped me immeasurable as I thought that I suffered at a level that was not normal at losing my partner, but knowing that others were devastated in the same way, too... .helps me heal and gives me comfort. Thanks for being so candid and honest. Being so has helped me greatly.

Yes I would like to second this.  When I started the thread I never expected such profound sharing.  Thank you all for your posts.

No, I tried my hardest but eventually cracked and just had panic attacks constantly.  It was horrible observing my life fall apart in such a state of helplessness.

Ooohhhhh... .I forgot about that... .yes... Blim... I had panic attacks, too.  During the first one I thought that I was having a heart attack or something. I did not know what was going on? 

Just reminds me how stressful total deceit and utter abandonment can effect a humane being.

Tough times. Things are much better now.

I would like to second this, had to take months out of work as I was unable to function at a basic level. I was ashamed aknowledge it even happened as it reminded me eerily how my low functioning ex partner dealt with issues. I'm not so much different, after all.

Ditto. Even though it was a few years ago for me, the memories are still there. I am still incredibly embarrassed that I opened up to a few friends, not that they ever remind me of it, but it was so out of character for me. I used to go for rides and I would literally stop and cry in the middle and they'd have to wait for me to pull it back together. It was awful.

One thing to remember is that people won't 'get' it and they don't need to. Friends keep telling me I should be over it but the psychologist says ignore them and just let yourself be. We discussed how abandonment is a primal terror. If as primitive people we were abandoned we would have dies. Being part of a clan or tribe would have been essential for survival. So abandonment would have been a death sentence. `throughout time banishment has been the most severe of punishments. So take it easy on yourselves. It will take time to heal.

Oh my I thought I was the only one who thought I was having a heart attack. Yes I had panic attacks but I also had tremendous chest pain. Like crushing debilitating chest pain. It would wake me up at night. Wow I had kind of forgotten that. Its been 8 months since the BU 3 of NC (like zero) and no more chest pains but every little thing still makes me jump. Like even a startling moment in a movies will bring me out of my chair. lol   Its embarrassing.

As for work I trudge along and try to repair damage done by this trauma.

So be gentle with yourselves people it will get better.   

I'm very fortunate to still have my job after the BPDx's false domestic violence allegations had me arrested 4 times within a span of 8 months. Not only the arrests themselves but just the not being able to focus on work because of that and everything else that woman was putting me through. Although i did keep my job, mentally i was really out of it for about a year.

When i get bummed out about everything that happened i just tell myself how easily things could have been much worse then they are now. I have my own apartment, a nice car, still have my sweet job, friends i can rely on, i'm healthy and i came out of the legal nightmare i was put through without ever spending a night in jail, no criminal record and not speding one penny for attorneys. I could be in jail right now, or living at my mom's and/or unemployed, alone and with nothing.

I count my blessings every day.

Barely.

I missed a few days, then returned and immediately told my boss what was going on. (I didn't want him to think my puffy eyes, bad mood, lowered performance meant I was on drugs or something! I wanted complete honesty.)

He worked with me to push back some deadlines, but work was, and IS--still hell for me. I can barely stay focused and have to take short breaks sometimes to cry. :'(

Hi all, i'm new to these boards, this is my first post. Really thankful I found this community as it's helped me to process and make sense of what happened in my BPD relationship about 3 years ago.

I was a complete wreck during the break up. I'm in a similar line of work, I work as a software developer. There would be days when I just could not work. I'd sit at my desk sobbing one days but then be able to pull myself together the next to make up for the time lost.  Meetings were tough though, i tried to avoid them as much as possible and stay glued to my desk.  I too was on contract, luckily i didn't affect my performance enough to get me fired but I know for sure I didn't produce at the same quality or level I had in the past. At the time of the break up I had no knowledge of BPD and didn't know how to make sense of my exgf's actions. It was just all a completely miserable and painful blur. I honestly don't know if i could have survived work-wise if i didn't work in a field that allowed me such limited contact with others.

Hi there, I also am contracting in the tech field. I'm very lucky that my job has limited responsibilities and I am mostly alone at a computer the entire day. Once I started reading about BPD, and realizing that I was being affected by someone else's mental illness, I started to blame myself less for the relationship ending. You start to realize that their actions are more to do with their own problems. I hope you can begin to feel better. 

@firewalkwithme10

Exact same thing happened with me, up until the time I knew about BPD I was wondering what I had done wrong. So the interesting thing is that one of the women on team first clued me in about it during a random conversation about relationships. I would talk to her from time to time about my relationship with my ex. One day after a series of stories that I would recount with some levity included, she mentioned that she thought my ex had BPD. Once i started researching i could not stop. It was as if someone had finally understood all the little things i was dealing with in the relationship. To be honest a lot of the BPD behaviors that she had exhibited while we were together that i thought were odd, i had pretty much attributed to the fact that she was Russian, i thought it was some sort of cultural thing. But knowing about the BPD did help me stop blaming myself quite as much. But it still hurt like crazy, even to this day some 3 years later, i still get days every once in a while when i get emotional and can't function at work. Luckily it's a rare occurrence these days.