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Title: New Year's Day Rambling Thoughts-Mixed Emotions Post by: Hope0807 on January 01, 2015, 11:28:27 AM During the fallout, determined to somehow survive because there was simply no choice, without a child, sibling, or parent who needed me or would miss me if I were gone... .I vowed to be a "Yes" woman, open to new experiences and the possibility of joy in all forms.
Last Night-I peeked into the banking app that let me see his large deposit and large liquor and other purchases, most obviously for a New Year's celebration. I envisioned him with the replacement, as well as a few of our once-"mutual" friends. I almost curled up in a corner and cried for the night, but I didn't. New Year's Eve-I stepped outside of myself and had one of the most unusual, spiritual and peaceful experiences. I met with a large group of strangers to do yoga and meditate a few hours before and then ushering in 2015. It was amazing. Morning Anxiety as Usual-Just when thought it was finally dissipating just a little bit, I woke up having a dream that an ex mutual-friend said of my ex's replacement, "She's really nice actually. I like her. She's calm and puts him in his place kinda just like you used to, lol. They both seem really happy." I guess that was more of a NIGHTMARE. I have to remind myself that it's all smoke and mirrors. I remember him hemorrhaging money with us over the years, just like I still glimmers of as I peek. I know what he's like drunk and it's always disgusting. Nothing to miss there. I know I really don''t miss him, I just miss holding on to the illusion that someone would be lost without me. Lullabye of a Read-Psychopath Free is my latest read (I've read upwards of 15 books just since the summer) and it's bulls-eye, hands-down, word-for-word speaking to my soul and lifting my spirit…written as if the author were a fly on the fall into the most intimate moments of my life with this dangerous disordered person. Title: Re: New Year's Day Rambling Thoughts-Mixed Emotions Post by: jhkbuzz on January 01, 2015, 11:42:52 AM I had a rough few days after Christmas... .really rough. It surprised me, in a way... .I almost felt the way I did in the first month after the b/u. So I understand your struggles :'(
Be gentle with yourself... .you're still cycling through the 5 stages of grief. And keep up the "stepping outside the box" activities - they have been my saving grace... .even though, nearly every time, I've had to drag myself out of the house to do them! 2015 here we come - stronger than we even imagined possible and on the road towards healing **hugs** |