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My ex had come back to me two weeks ago and slept with me for a week behind her boyfriends back. She then called me a week later after NC contemplating suicide... Then last night to wish me a Happy New Years. Both times she called she said she was with family and couldn't talk. Turns out she was sneaking away from her new guy and was calling me. I had no idea, neither did he. So he checks her call logs and sees her calls to me and texts me on her phone "All right man

Please stop calling my girlfriend. I'd appreciated it

It would be the right thing to do" to which I invited him to call me. She calls flipping at me for some reason, even tho she'd just called to wish me a happy NY. She puts him on the phone and after her throwing in my face she "loves" him I said "so what did she tell you?" And he tells me what she had told him so I kindly told him the full truth about him being cheated on and lied to by her, told him about the 2-3 other guys she sexts, and let him know she called me. He breaks up with her... And she calls me multiple times crying and screaming at me.  Then she asks if I want to get a hotel cause she didn't wanna be there for the night with him. He later calls asking why I asked her to get a hotel. Again I let him know she offered to me.    What a night... I was just minding my business and get brought into this ___ all night. I probably didn't handle it right by exposing the truth but I've had about enough of her using him as a weapon against me.

The cat's out of the bag. You slept with her while she's in a committed relationship. She's flipping out because it exposes her.

What feelings can be associated with cheating? BPD is an emotional based disorder, difficulties with self soothing, emotions amplified 2000 fold, emotional dysregulation.

It's not to say what she did is right, it is to say we don't have to contribute. We control ourselves. It takes two.


Someone has to be the bad person.

She's in a committed relationship. You and him and her make 3 people.

Triangulation. As long as she's committed to him your going to be in the position of persecutor , wrong doings by anyone is blamed on you.

Your ex (victim) Her bf (rescuer) You (persecutor). Karpman Drama Triangle.

This can be a lesson. How would you handle this differently next time? A win-win situation?

she called flipping out before I had told him the truth because she was telling him it was me who called her several times. When Infact she controls the communication, meaning she has my number blocked so it was actually her calling me. So she was yelled at me over the phone Infront of him to keep her story going. Which I don't appreciate... I don't need her throwing him in my face repeatedly, or scoring points with the new guy at my expense.        And I don't know if she's really in a "committed" relationship.  She's broke up with him twice to come be with me. She's cheated on him with me and lied the whole time. She also sexts other guys her nude pics while he's away for work. And this has all taken place in the 1-1.5 months they've been together. I was with her for a year.   I feel like she's playing us again at eachother, or is using him to hurt me.  I'm done with it tho. I wouldn't have handled it any differently to be honest. He deserves to know the truth. And she should finally be accountable for her actions. I think she learned a life lesson her self... Don't cheat. And don't consistently try and hurt someone when you know they have something in their back pocket like I did.

Caution, she doesn't think like you do. YOU would have learned this lesson.

ya that's true. I've definitely learned a lot. I learned just how low she can get and what lines she'll cross. 90% of this relationship I've taken her abuse and everyoncs in a while she gets the fight she's looking for. The way I see it is I wouldn't have had anything to tell him had she not cheated and lied to him and I wouldn't have had any motivation to tell him had she not continuously used me to make her look good and thrown him in my face in pretty cruel ways. She's the victim in her eyes only. I'm done with her and so is her newest ex lol

I understand. Can you control her behaviors?

Another option.

Don't Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain. JADE.

If you JADE how do you feel? I understand you don't want her to tarnish your good name, that said her reality is that you are a bad person. Can our words change this reality or her dissociations of reality?

Your title says WW3 not fun!


Perhaps you may feel you're not sure what direction that you want to take. That's OK.

The leaving board is a board for members that are detaching from their SO's. We have other boards like the undecided board where you can explore your feelings and objectives there.

It's beneficial that our needs are met by sharing on the correct board. The undecided board is a good place if you don't want to detach quite yet.

I wouldn't be so sure about the newest ex. It's hard to speak for someone else. I've been in your shoes, it's hard to realize that they can go back just like we did. 

What are you going to do, for you, that's different after this last breakup so that you aren't pulled back in?

This drama is optional yes?  Do you know what you want?  Will you get it from her on a sustainable basis?

Yes... I agree. She has learned nothing here. She just got caught is all.

My ex repeatedly baited me to engage in this stuff. I just wouldn't play. She was living with my replacement and did a quadruple drive-bye (I was outside putting my MTB on my car) and she pulled in behind my car... .she opened the door and started to get out while I immediately started asking if she wad still "with" my replacement (in a stern voice)... she said yes and I said "GOOD bye".

She never stood up... .it looked like she was on a string and someone pulled her back in the car... all in one motion. (5-year old children usually obey a strong command).  It just about killed me to take care of me... .I truly loved her very deeply... .It ruined my year... .driving her away... .but my T was very proud of me for not playing her selfish games, and taking care of me.  I know now that she is mentally ill... .but try to convince my heart of that!

It is such a horrible trauma to go through... .at least it was for me.

The best you can do for you is to just stay away from the sickness. It will just get worse and wackier.

i don't think he's done either. She's in the position right now where she looks really really bad.  And feels bad. She lied. Cheated. Etc. and got exposed when didn't expect it. So I have a feeling she'll be consumed with chasing him to write the wrong. I don't think she likes feeling bad about herself so she'll be trying to fix it. I don't even care anymore.   I could never trust the girl now and once another guys in the picture it'll be a triangle for ever.      What's different for me after this breakup? I'll never go back to a girl who can go to such levels to try and hurt me. She's become a user, manipulator and one hell of a liar. The girl I loved for a year had her flaws but the ones she's showing now are extremely unattractive in a person.

it is optional. And I'm done with it. I was having a great night last night. Was quite happy she'd called to say happy New Years. And then out of nowhere my nights spent screaming and yelling between them.  She only called me to either plant te seed to sleep with me again or to cause drama in her life. Who knows.

That will be tested when she shows up again, which she probably will, it's early.  You sound strong and a little pissed off and disgusted, which is good and can help you stick to your resolve.  Take care of you!

Maybe so. He may be able to see this situation as a big red flag and see that his boundaries have been trampled and that she doesn't value him as a person.


Why did you stay?

well, when he asking for the truth and be heard it he sure sounded done with her. He's 35, has a big house, told her he loved her after a few weeks so I feel he's more desperate then he leads on. I feel fairly certain she's chasing him right now.   Which is fine... It was bugging me before last night but finding out she called me at 2:30 in the morning saying she's going to kill herself without me knowing she was with him... It disgusts me. They prob just got in a fight or something stupid.               And why did I stay? I've thought about that a lot. I chased the girl for 4 years just to get a date. She always seemed like the girl of my dreams. And was for a longtime when I finally got her. We had everything in common. Could laugh all day. Could spend the day having the most amazing conversations.  Endless sex. And I also was prob craving a serious relationship again. It had been a while. I also tend to give girls a thousand chances... Which will NOT be happening anymore.

i really am pissed. When or if she comes back afte chasing and getting her new guy back and she wants to talk to me again I'll have no time for her empty promises and momentary "niceness". Seeing how easy she lies and cheats and manipulates and uses. I'll never look at the girl in the same light. I recently gave her an epiphany when I told her I think she has BPD. however, as soon as a new guy comes in the picture she convinces herself that all she needed to do was find this new MR. perfect. Never realizing the same patterns will eventually show up.  She's a write off... A very addicting write off

I'm sorry that happened. That's a terrible position for someone to put you in.


That's the same reason I stayed, I was lonely when I met my ex. I tended to give a thousand chances too. I didn't know much about boundaries, which meant I didn't know how to protect myself from someone that would eventually hurt me deeply. By giving a thousand chances I taught this person there were no consequences for treating me poorly. I learned I played a role in that r/s by continuing to put myself in harms way, I didn't value myself any more than my ex valued me.




Good for you to notice this is addictive. What will you do to fight this addiction?

I guess there is more drama with triangulation - and they do love the drama.  It would be a good idea to walk away.  Even when they find stability with a partner - cheating will occur, just less regularly. 

Why would you even consider wanting to talk to someone who abused you 90% Of the time? You should take time away from this person since they have a new relationship and work on your self esteem and boundaries. It's not fair to you to put yourself into misery.

it's a weird thing where I know I need to be done with this... But I'm not good at dealing with what that means. I love the girl very much, I hate the drama, and I hate that she has a new guy. It hurts. I miss her and we've only known she has BPD for a few weeks. I wish I had've figured it out sooner so she could've sought therapy. I guess I struggle with the idea of not having this girl in my life while I still love her and the idea of some new guy taking my place. I'm too emotional, too loving, and too much of a rescuer for my own good. I've recently sought out a T for the new year.

>

A lot of us are built just like you.  I know that I am. What we have to ask ourselves is WHY we would want to continually insert our head into that emotional meat grinder?

They are mentally ill. Mine hid it very well until she got the new supply and then she turned into an abusive person that I never met. If we keep going back for more and more of this, we are, too. RIGHT?

^

I'm hurt by a lot of what she did but I'm also starting to get fed up with it. And the more I read up on BPD the less hurt I am because i know it was never really her fault, and that it's also hopeless. Readin up on karpman triangle just made me realize exactly what is going with me and her and her ex. I just wrote her a big email saying goodbye to her... And explaining why I need to say bye. She's had my phone blocked for months but kinda swoops in and calls when she pleases. It's her way of controlling the communication and she knows it drives me nuts. I told her that's done. Don't ever call unless my standards are ready to be met. Don't call for drama, don't call if the new BF is still around. And don't call til she's ready for therapy. I got emotional in the letter reminiscing of how we met and all the memories etc. but brought up how it was always her BPD that tore us apart. And that I can't do it anymore. She's lost the one guy who ever stood by her and loved her through her abuse and now I'm gone. And I have to say... It's a relief. I know she's playing tough right now after our big blow up the other night but someday... She'll reach out to me again   And I won't be taking the bait this time.   I also asked myself "am I a better version of myself with her?"  The answer is no. She kept me from going to the gym, we'd drink everyday, I was constantly stressed and torn, and constantly defending myself from her paranoid thoughts.

also, looking back at the last month I had one good week of reconnecting with her and good sex. Followed by 3-4 weeks of stress, drama and chaos.  So all in all... I'd have been better off continuing to get over her rather then opening up new wounds

That's a great question to ask, in ANY relationship.

Then looking at the facts. What needs changing? What can be appreciated?

Here's another question: Did you send the email to her?

yes I sent it. I don't feel like there's closure in the relationship when you walk away during major drama. It leaves hurt feelings that one of us will wanna fix and leaves things open. I'd rather explain my hurt, explain my view on things. Tell her why I'm done and say bye. That way I don't feel I've left anything unsaid, and won't wanna go find her again to say it. I wish she would give a proper goodbye too so she can feel that this is totally finished too.

Joshuaua your story is pretty much the same as mine. I'm going to share with you what happened the last time I put something in writing and sent it to her because I don't want you to be caught off guard. My ex showed my "letter" to other people and told them "see! she's stalking me!"

I wasn't stalking her. I was just as confused about the getting back together, having great sex and conversation, then poof! She's gone again. I found out about several replacements. She was just playing games. I found out much later that she had told people that I had chased her with a gun, that I was abusive and the list goes on... .I was none of those things but people believed her.

I learned my lesson, NEVER send something like this in writing, if you are sure you are done, unless it's a restraining order. Of course this is just my opinion.

I would expect a response in this case. If it were me I would block everything if you don't want more stress and drama.

I'm with you on that, Joshuaua. I said my piece at the end, too.

Saying many of the same things you did, hoping she faces herself, etc.

About as close to closure as I'll get with her. It helped me walk away.

They will make up stories to bring out the rescuer in the next one. I was told she was raped, which brought out incredible feelings of rage and caretaking, five years later and she accuses me of that very same act, to me, so I'm sure she will be using it on everyone she meets now to illicit the same rescuer feelings I had. This hurts particularly as I'm not very confident in bed and she used to complain that I wasn't forceful enough! Of course I didn't rape her and I don't believe anyone else did either anymore. It's shocking what they will say about you, luckily my ex is clearly very disturbed, so hopefully most people will be wiser to her than I was. You just don't think people would say such a thing! But they would.

Same thing happened to me. I was never accused of rape but plenty of other things. I ran right to her rescue too.

I also agree it's feels good to say your goodbyes Joshuaua. It would be nice if they thought like we do and said goodbye too. She may but that's more likely just how she will feel at that moment. As long as we continue to play the back and forth game it's more likely that they will not stop for a very long time. My ex still contacted an ex from time to time from 10 years prior. My naive self thought at the time that they were just still friends. 

. Ya I've already realized that mine says things about me that aren't true. I also realized she says things about her ex of 7 years that where never true. For years she said he was abusive and told me all kinda of stories. She told me a story of how he threw a plate of spaghetti at her...   I was talking to this ex of hers the other day and he told me it was actually her that did that. She also tells this new bf of hers that I treated her like ___... Meanwhile I would make her romantic dinners and buy flowers and she'd eat... Have a few drinks and within an hour I was a "stupid ___ing 24 year old. You think I don't know what you're up to?"  Yet I treated her like ___. I also accidentally got her pregnant before the final breakup... She now tells people that it was rape because i didn't pull out...   The list goes on and on. My ex also still calls her previous ex of 7 years from a private number and just listens when he answers. So I'll prob never be off the hook with her until i block her phone.

but ya you're right. Saying goodbyes is relieving and satisfying for us. To them it's meaningless. She won't reply to it at all I know her as what she's like. She's unaffected by appealing to her emotions or anything. Someday down te road tho she'll be in a sad frame of mind and will read it and call. I won't answer

Good for you Infared. That had to be hard. It's amazing their lack of boundaries! You're right, the best way to learn how do deal with them is first coming to an understanding that they are mentally ill ang go from there.

MWC... .*)

If the situation warrants, these BPD people need to be exposed in front of others.

I applaud the OP for telling the supposed BF what had transpired.  i wish someone had done the same for me at the time, before it was too late and i had gotten involved.

The more these folks are confronted as to the fallout of their own choices, perhaps they will get the message and try to get some help, instead of trashing people's lives / emotions / hopes under the guise of "I'm mentally ill".

sometimes i think giving a free pass due to "mental illness" is a bit too much.

It's amazing that they all seem to operate from the same playbook. I too was falsely accused of raping my uBPDxw. When I First met her she she accused her current BF of raping her. I now know it was a lie but back then I went right into my rescuer mode which is exactly what she wanted. UNREAL... .I was naive and never thought a woman would lie about such a thing. Reading these stories makes me sick!

MWC... .*)

she all but begged me to tell him. Why she would put me on the phone with him after I said "you didn't tell him the truth at all did you?" Is beyond me. She had to have known I was going to tell him. She used him to hurt me for weeks and told him it was me calling her when he checked her phone. She snuck away to call me. He was quite surprised when he found out I'm not even able to call her and that the dates she told him we hooked up where completely wrong. He also had no idea of the other guys she sends her pictures to. The best was her calling several times after asking why I did this to her and if I'm happy that I ruined her relationship with her new BF and that I'm just hurting the new guy. All I said back was "you ruined the relationship. You're the one who cheated on him. I did him a favour by telling him" and "why would you put me in the phone with him after saying the kind of ___ you just said". She had no concept that she did him wrong. She sees it as my fault for telling him, not her fault for doing it in the first place. I think she wanted me to tell him. And wanted me in her life even if it's negative.

I also told her to never try and score points with her new guy at my expense. In other words don't blame your actions on me just so he'll hear you saying it and think you're not lying cause I'll gladly tell him the truth.  These people almost seem sociopathic or atleast extremely concerned with their own interests only.

 and then, less than 24 hours later
And then
Be careful man, you're still caught up in it, we've all been there.  I know that was a closure email meant to be the end, and good for you if you felt you needed to send it, and for knowing that
.

 


 Great question and appropriate answer.  You're going to need questions like that to keep your focus on what you really want moving forward, and it will also help if you make a list of all of the unacceptable crap she pulled, and read it and add to it as much as you need to stay focused.  The hardest part of breaking any addiction is at the beginning, it will always get easier with time.

As we work through and process the trauma and abuse we were subject to in these relationships, it's easy to get away from the fact that our partners were emotionally underdeveloped, need-driven and shame-based, and terrified of abandonment, the fallout of mental illness, and all of the behaviors come out of that.  :)o we blame someone for causing pain when they are literally incapable of connecting with how they make other people feel?  Yes, we do, since anger is a stage of grieving and a healthy response to abuse, as long as once we're done being pissed we reconnect with the facts of the disorder and the limitations of its sufferers.

Joshuaua part of the problem WE face is trying to make sense of disordered behavior. WE run ourselves ragged trying to figure out the why's.

Keeping track of all the clowns in a circus is a big job for a pwBPD. I myself was one of those clowns at one time. I remained inside the ring, running around in circles. It's only when we step outside that ring when things start making sense. Bpd behaviors tell a story, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. Idolization, engulfment and then devaluation. That's why you hear here on these boards a lot that these behaviors are scripted. They are and the behaviors are predictable, with some variations.

Make no mistake, trying to make sense of all of this is very normal and a part of the process. I mean, we all go through that part of it. Our emotions get in the way in the beginning, we want to find a point where we can stop and refocus on ourselves. Isn't that what we all wish THEY could do?


This is a good point though I might change this statement just a tiny bit. If one was staying in a r/s this would be spot on however if we are trying to disengage this statement might suit US better by thinking the best way for us to heal and grow is by first coming to the understanding that WE were involved with someone who is mentally ill or disordered and go from there.


The second step in healing and growing is coming to terms with OUR amazing lack of boundaries. I mean, let's face it, who is handing out those free passes on allowing someone to hurt us?

Joshuaua the only way out is out. It hurts, a lot. The difference between a non and a pwBPD is that at some point we CAN sit still and feel that pain all the way through to the other side. You are witnessing HER trying to keep her head above water since she can't sit with her emotions, they are too overwhelming. She has zero healthy coping skills.

So how do WE get past our own overwhelming hurt? What are healthy coping skills? Our feelings have been hurt deeply. Crying is an appropriate response. Grieving the loss is normal and healthy. Giving ourselves time to grieve this loss and focusing on our lack of boundaries before WE jump into another r/s to kill that pain is part of a healthy path.

(The five stages of Detachment is a great part of this path. Check it out over to the right of your screen ---->

So glad to hear that you have found a T Joshuaua. This person will be very helpful to you. I see my T as a teacher and is skilled at teaching me how to stay outside of any circus rings.

 

My ex finally revealed some self-awareness on her part - so, i know that she knew exactly what she was doing when she proclaimed me to be the guy she had long been searching for.  She hooke dme in because i have empathy, i would not cheat, and I'd give love freely once she had me convinced she was the same.

She admitted she cannot draw a healthy line from intimacy to sex, etc.  She wants to sustain the spark that flames from the initial stages of a relationship but she cannot, for no reason other than her own actions. I would have been better suited to know this early on. But, she didn't want to lose me.

It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months.  And I'll bet everything i own that she's using guys to service her needs, then playing them along, or moving them to the back of her line. Last time I was with her, I saw her at her worst - and it really shattered my beliefs and messed me up as well.  A mom who almost got herself killed by her self-absorbed impulsive actions.  and i'm sure i was blamed in the end.

She gets no free pass from me.  My ex liked to drop the phrase, "It's a wake up call" after something bad / tragic.  What good is a wake up call if you do not answer it?

So, I'm left to deal with the fallout.  I have my own blame to deal with, of course.  But I am not waving a magic wand and saying things like other folks here seem to do, turning the other cheek to their SO with BPD, so to speak.

If my ex ever contacts me again, you can be sure I'll give an official 'so long, goodbye' with a terse, concise, thought out reply, ending with "get yourself help - if not for you, for your newborn kid".

I agree. Children who get caught in bad acts are required to face the consequences. Adults must be as well BPD or not.

I WISH I had the ability to reveal all my pwBPD's  bad acts. But he has been very careful to isolate me from all his compartmentalized circles. I will however not cover for his bad acts for one more second. I am responsible for my actions and he is responsible for his.

If this thread was on Facebook (or, as i like to call it, Farcebook) I'd give you a like / thumbs up, hope2727 :)

"It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months. "

Roger that.

... .as hard as it was for me I decided to treat ruthlessness with ruthlessness in a much more dignified way that took a lot of willpower. ABSOLUTE NC "forever" leaves that person at some level at some certain times just stuck with who they are.  If you never talk to them again... .ever... .even when they act out, act out in front of you with their new supply,  drive-bye, fake accidental run-ins, face-booking nonsense, etc. etc.etc.etc.etc... .playing their manipulative games on you continually... not one word, not one conversation... .not one retaliation... .YOU SET THE EXAMPLE.

You take care of you... .And on some level... .they know what a sh^t they are. That was the best I could do with an extremely ill person who gets no help for themselves and who just ravages other people's lives.

confronting them is what will make them vanish into thin air. Trust me i know.

Win-win!

I confronted mine about BPD but she's so utterly delusional she doesn't even take the medication where she has a diagnosis and it didn't stop her perusing me, however, it will certain take the shine off you, they'll be criticized, feel rumbled and be checkin on the horizon for a better deal.

I disagree completely.

Confronting a self-centered, delusional, manipulative liar whom always runs a con and who takes responsibility for none of their disgusting actions is a total waste of my time and dignity.

You can't confront 7 cracked mirrors.

You certainly cannot reason with these people ... .it's an exercise in folly where you get abused.

I confronted mine about her behavior. Nine months not a peep.