BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I posted an introduction that explains my situation. I'm dealing with an extremely painful breakup from a 38 year old man with BPD.

I was wondering if those w/BPD tend to "recycle" certain relationships over others, because he tended to focus his comments on two specific ex-girlfriends and has attempted to reunite with them. Meanwhile, he would rarely mention his third ex and seemed almost apathetic towards her. 

Hi Firewalk:

I read your intro post. Welcome.  Many of us have been through a nearly identical r/ship progression. We know how painful it is.

My ex couldn't stand to sleep touching another person. The first night I ever slept at his place, we made love and then he basically rolled over and showed me his back to go to sleep. I was so hurt. When he saw my face (I got up and got some water) he knew I was super sad and he did hold me. But that was the first time. It became clear that for him, being engulfed and losing a separate sense of who he was in the r/ship, felt like a huge threat. The closer we were, the more of a problem it was.

To your question: the best rule of thumb I've discerned is that pwBPD will engage with people who make them feel good, while that good feeling continues.  If something that person does is disappointing, differs from what the pwBPD thinks, makes him feel criticized, controlled or judged, calls the future loyalty or priorities of the partner into question ... .Even if only through a very distorted lens ... .That person loses her "good feeling" value.

Some people for whatever reason don't give the pwBPD that good feeling and are therefore not useful to recycle. The ingredients of "feeling good" or "feeling bad" aren't intuitive to people without these emotional distortions. It might "feel good" to pursue an emotionally distancing ex and regain her affection for instance. It isn't about who loves them the best/most, in other words.

He will pursue women or exes when to do so helps him feel good. I was someone like that for my ex for a while. I was uncritical and nonjudgmental and adoring.  Even when he upended my whole life. I was very useful for making him feel good.

At a certain point though his choices and behaviors made me sad and I did not hide that. From that point on, I was no longer a source of good feeling, and my use to him is at an end.

Hope that makes some sense.

This makes sense, especially the turning away while sleeping. Near the end, physical touch made him very nervous. (Turning his back in bed, pulling his arms away when I tried to touch him.)


Also thank you for your insight on recycling, Patient. I really appreciate it.