BPDFamily.com

I am sure that this quite straightforward question has been answered before however, I would be keen for a response. My break up with my uExBPD girlfriend was two and a half months ago. The texts from her and telephone conversations at the time were nasty from her, lots of vitriol and projection and blame for the relationship squarely placed at my door. There was. O doubt I was placed very black.

My question is overtime are we placed and split white again? Her anger towards me was very bad! Or once black is that permanent ?

You never know. I've been split black so many times and she always came back. Now I've been split black for over a month, and it doesn't seem she is coming back. Perhaps forever, perhaps she'll surprise me in the future.

More importantly is: are you going to accept this behaviour? If someone is splitting you black and then white again, is that a way to have a relationship? Is that the way to become happy? What if she splits you white again, what then? Are you just going to accept what has happened and go on together again, until the next change of heart?

Yes they can split you white again.  It can happen when the idealisation phase is over with the replacement.  A reminder, such as a postcard, of a nice time can split you white.  I knew one BPD whose boyfriend was very violent.  He was actually sent to prison for hitting her.  Even he would be split white again and she would visit him in prison.  This is a perfect example of their poor executive control - meaning that guy should have been split black forever for her own good but she had no control over her impulses.

Yes. When the replacement is black you can be white again.

I think we can be, but there's no way of telling when or if it'll happen, or how long we'll be painted white for while it happens.

-After I was discarded, my exBPD sent me a scathing email saying I was nobody to her, and that I'll never be her friend again

-1.5 months later she left a birthday card she forgot to give me at my front door

-3 weeks after that, she sent me a passive aggressive email reminding me how terrible I was to her in the relationship (all untrue)

-2 weeks after, she started blocking and unblocking me on social media for some ridiculous reason

And that's the last interaction I heard from her a month ago.

So I think it depends on how they feel at the time, and them reaching out is often on a whim. I'm completely painted black by my exBPD now. However, I think she'll paint me white again at some random point in the future, and will contact me when I least expect it. There's no telling with pwBPD.

Exactly like that with the POS I just got out my life.  No impulse control.  He must do what he wants to do at that moment and do it right away. To hell with the impact even to himself.

I've been painted black for the first time today and it was due to the sins of his scummy friends.  They got caught out breaking the law, cheating.  I warned him it will happen.  Now he is hating on me because my predictions came true.  Will he ever paint me white again? I don't give  ___.  He is nothing to me anymore.

You can be split white at any time in the future but you won't be reidealized. If the fantasy is broken, it's pretty much over, even if you recycle.

wouldnt say you cant be re idolized if you re rescue them but maybe not for long

I've been reidealized,  it can happen.

Sure, if they run out of options and no other supply is available you could easily go white again. Then you barricade the door.  :)

I have been re-idealized and during that 1 1/2 years he asked me to marry him. So, I don't agree... .

I agree -- barricade. 

Also, I'd prefer not to be painted white, but rather, simply forgotten.             

At our first break in the relationship i was split very black and thrown out of her home with my children at 6:30am (we were staying the week with her while on a school break).  Two months later i made contact with her to find out how she was doing.  She was so happy i made contact with her and our relationship began again right away.  I was back to white in a heartbeat.  

Our relation ended a second time when she split me black again.  This time i learned my lesson.  BPD is uncontrollable and nothing i can do to make it better.

No contact again for 2 months and at Christmas time she wanted us to be back together (white again) like nothing ever happened.

So in my experience you can be painted white over and over again.  But the problem with the disorder is that i will always be black - then white  - then black again.  It's a spiral that they have no control over.  And until they choose to recognize that problem and seek a method to control it there can never be a real relationship.

I agree -- the pwBPD will always be flip flopping, and neither of you will have much control over it.  And it should be noted that the black times will gradually get more and more deeply destructive against you (at least that was what happened in my case and seems to be the case for almost everyone on these forums).  At some point the pwBPD will do such psychologically scarring things that you'll have no choice but to walk away and go NC.    

True say! One day it all clicks into place with 'the heck with this' and you realise that they don't care for you the way a wife should - they hurt you and ive seen her enjoy hurting me. It's quite sick actually and scary.

That time might not be now for all of us even if we broke up already. I seperated 3 times, took a heck of a lot and even after this last split wasn't truly done until about a month ago a i was arguing with her, and a tiny part of me hoped against hope she would get help. But one day you just reach a point when you've truly had enough and you will know when that day arrives. I don't think that day can be forced. Wish it could.