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I have been reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and was quite struck by her believing confrontation is necessary for regaining a defined sense of yourself.

The idea is you confront - not in order to get them to see the error of their ways, or change their behaviour or even accept responsibility for what they've done - *cynical side note - does anyone with BPD ever really take full and meaningful responsibility for what they do?

No the idea is to learn to stand up for yourself. Even in the face of knowing it will likely not change anything with them except to shake the very foundation of the r/ship with them.

I have been thinking and thinking about doing it.

I am shaking to my very bones at the thought but there's a little excitement at the idea too.

has anyone confronted their pwBPD? Especially a parent?

What led to it?

What effects did it have?

how did you work with the aftermath.

If you haven't done this, would you consider it? if not why not?

I would appreciate some information about others' experiences

Thanks guys

Zig

My mom's a Hermit-Waif. She was visiting me, uBPDx and the kids a few years ago. I made some sarcastic comments about not liking the cream cheese and jam sandwiches she used to pack in my lunch. And I said that the peanut butter and mayo were much worse. She started dysregulating. She triangulated my Ex (they didn't like each other, my Ex more so, at least my mom tried). I remember my mom standing in the doorway talking to my Ex like I wasn't there. "I did the best I could! Why am I even here, I'm obviously not wanted!" I was standing right there. So I guess I'm not the stand up guy many people think I am. I apologized to my mom and calmed her down. She was ready to drive off almost 3 hours home at night. She used to do this occasionally when I'd invite her over to bbqs with my friends. 1/3 times, someone would say something she wouldn't like and she'd flee.

Did you ever tell her you were upset with her about your upbringing Turkish?

Hi Ziggiddy.  Do you mean did I tell my mother I thought she had BPD and abused me my whole life?  My answer is no to that.  I thought about it and realized with my mother it was more important for me to change and challenge her in the moment rather than trying to address the past.  Growing up when i expressed hurt or anger I was told I was crazy, dramatic, too sensitive, etc.  Plus my mother could lie so convincingly and so consistently (as in she actually believed her own lies that she was the one being abused by me) she had actually convinced me that I had hit her but blocked it out (just one example).  I did not know how to address the mess that was the past and so i decided instead that I was not going to shy away from confronting her behaviors in the moment.  The thought of confronting her about the past was just too big and bewildering for me... .I had no idea of where to begin, so I set a mark for myself in the *now*.

For me, it was important to not put out labels I could not back up (as she would never go for help for her). When she did talk to anyone about our relationship (her favorite priest at the time or the friend of the day, my father or brother) it was in the context of me being the one with the issues and how she was scared of me, etc.  All I could do for that was to continue to be me (whoever the hell that was) and hope that the people important to me (my brother mostly) would eventually be able to see me and still love me for my actual flaws and strengths rather than the ones my mother assigned to me.  This forced me to accept that I can't control what other people think or believe no matter what I wanted and it forced me to begin to see me as separate from my mother (still working on this).

I never read that book by Susan Forward, but I do agree 100% that the act of speaking up/out for *me* was necessary for coming into a healthier place.  It was vitally important to me to stand up and say no, I will not tolerate/accept your distorted view of reality, of me and I will no longer sacrifice myself for you.  I was so beaten down and weary and so convinced I was evil to the core and full of shame and had twisted myself so much in an effort to not upset her or make her unhappy, that saying No took an incredible amount of energy and was terrifying.  Given my situation with my mother, where she convinced me I was the crazy one who was abusive, etc, it was more important for me to be able to accept my understanding of reality without involving her in any way other than to use her as a catalyst for changing me and shedding her lies, deceptions and distortions. 

I hope that makes sense... .it is hard to find the words.

I do believe in changing it up and challenging the status quo.  Very much so.  Shed the assigned role you never chose and never would have chosen if given the choice.  The thought of doing so can be terrifying but it gets easier over time.  Eventually it may lead to seeing that the wizard is just a pathetic little person hiding behind a curtain of insecurity, hurt and a whole lot of lies, manipulations and distortions. 

I feel the need to put a disclaimer in here so I will.  This is my view and this is what worked for me with my family.  Each situation is different and your mileage will vary.  No path is easier or harder than another and none is more right.  Regardless of what you choose, speak and act for yourself. 

I confronted my dBPDsis and so did one of her children. It didn't go well for either of us. Niece did it first through email when sis asked her "Was I really that bad of a mother?" Niece said yes, and gave her three specific incidents all horribly abusive. Sis ignored the worst two and focused on the mildest one saying "I should have aplogized for that. Note, she didn't apologize, only said she should have. Then the next day sent a nasty full on witch/queen email about how she WOULD have been a good mother if only niece hadn't been such a horrible child. Niece was shocked at how ugly and venomous it as and sent it to me. (I still have it) The next day, before niece could respond, sis sent another nasty gram. Did that for 4 days til niece blocked her email address. Oh, and in each nastygram, sis blamed ME for niece writing email.  lol Yeah, like straight A niece was too stupid to think this on her own. Hoo boy.

Mine came 6 months later after I had found out about a vicious smear campaign that sister had done on me. She was targeting me but the one she actually blackened was my mother. That made me angry. She told people that no one knew who my father was but maybe it was the mailman or the milkman. My mom never slept with any man but my dad, even 40 years after they divorced. SO I blew up at sis, who of course denied it. I called her a liar as the person who told me was "Beyong reproach" as they say. Where as sis will lie about the color of the dress she is wearing. Oh, and that was the last time I spoke to her. She still blames me for alienating her kids. But whatever. (shrugs)

Yes. My mother knows I think she has BPD, and that I am changing the parameters of our relationship.  She doesn't think she is mentally ill, just "different" than me.  Often, her attitude is that she thinks I'm the one who is nuts and mean to her, but she "puts up with me" because she's my mom.  The confrontation was unpleasant, NC for a long time, then very uncomfortable and weird.  We are in a strange limbo now.  Things are not like they were before, and we are both trying to keep things calm.  She will never get help or even accept that she might have an issue, and I am learning to accept that.  Trying to understand- really at my core understand- that she is ill and cannot see the truth.

Would I do it again?  Yes.  I might do it a little differently. It was not calculated to confront her.  She basically had a major episode in my house and I jumped back rather than just let her have her way, and it escalated from there.  Not that I think if I had done it calmly the ultimate outcome would be different, but she used my anger against me, and I was ashamed I let her get to me that way.  But I am glad I stood up for myself, and that I am maintaining boundaries.  It's uncomfortable at times, but it's better than letting her ride roughshod over me. 

I'm 43. When I was 26, almost 27, I told my mom, "about everything that happened, how we lived,.I forgive you." She teared up and nodded thank you. Soon after I went from living 120 mile away to 700 miles away in another state, where I stayed for 3 years. I never, ever, wanted to come back. Living in Oregon was my dream; thereafter, Alaska. Full on Hermit.

I can't really be honest with myself, or 27 year old Turkey, and flip that. I forgave probably 90%, but I can't forget. My mom's depression and extreme hoarding (not to mention her life long lack of financial acumen) still drive me nuts. I think I love her more out of duty, and my T says I am certainly loyal. Now that she came out about her BPD to me this past summer, I find I don't want to talk to her about it. Why dig into old scars? I'm a survivor in many ways, a major one that has nothing to do with what we talk about here, though I suspect some here might share it with me. Let the dead bury the dead.

Very very useful.

I especially like the end point - to think and act for myself - not because a book told me too or a therapist recommended it.

That's the crucial point - do it because it's your (my) own choice.

Deb I can understand your disappointment - especially if you hoped the confrontation would affect changes in their behaviour.

I guess it's worth focussing on the benefits of hearing yourself say the thing.

And no matter if they didn't change - you said it and you heard yourself say it and that is REALLY something


Applauds. That is great bird. And very identifiable. Self respect comes at a cost and part of that cost, I suppose it acceptance of the fact that nothing you or I or anyone can do may change someone.

That there is an answer in itself.

Turk I see your point about letting the dead bury the dead but I'm not so sure.

If you mean a certain level of acceptance then yeah, i get that.

If it's non confrontation then I get that too, but it's a different thing.

I guess it all boils down to motive.


Thanks for so much great insight guys.

I sat and thought a long while and have decided to start out a list of transgressions. I would love to truly get over my fear of my mother and I guess to do that I have to work out fully what I blame her for.

I have also been thinking a great deal about forgiveness and my part in what and responsibility. I have come to the conclusion (for now) that my circular thinking is getting in the way of actually accepting that the things that happened were not my fault.

I also am finding that every thing I think over, I counter with a reason that somehow I am to blame. This kind of thinking has got to stop.

i firmly believe that I am too scared to face the consequences of confronting her and that prevents me from acting like an adult.

Adults accept consequences of their actions.

If my mother avoids it, am i any better if I avoid it?

i think it's worth thinking about accepting the consequences of what would happen if and when i did confront her.

Interestingly, mixed in with the fear is a very small but very real sense of excitement!

It is exciting!  Just the fact that you are thinking through your fear is exciting and potentially life changing.  I know, I know, that sounds all dramatic, but it is true.  Even if you ultimately decide not to confront her, you are working through the fear and that is huge Zig.   |iiii

One thing I used to ask myself is "what is the worst thing that can happen?" and then when i had my answer I asked myself if that possibility was any worse than what I was already experiencing, whether it was being raged at, the raging silent treatment, accepting her abuse and then beating myself up for it, etc.

I think you are wise to think about the consequences of confrontation (not that I think it should stop you).  You can most likely predict how she will respond.  Are there any particular consequences you want to talk about?

Harri - I was quite moved by reading your post.

Mostly because you invited me to reflect farther and share those reflections. This has not been common in my life and so i value it all the more when it happens. Having spent time with Mum recently, I feel even further alienated, not listened to and defended against surprise attack.


Now this is an interesting combination. Yes I do know how she will respond and yes I do want to explore the consequences. Well worded!

I have actually been thinking for about 2 days on this that you wrote.

The most feared thing is the most amorphous. A bit like worrying about a thunderstorm. It's all dark cloud and shaking earth and not knowing where it will strike, with what force and what destruction.

So yes I know there will be retribution. No I don't know what form or level that strike will take. I guess that's why I'm so scared of it.

My mother is incredibly tenacious at bearing grudges and waits and waits for the perfect opportunity to strike.

But interestingly - now that I've written that I can see maybe the amorphous part is not being able to invoke protection against a storm I can't protect. Hmmm. I will think more on that.

My MO was to prepare my list of wrongs, deliver it and then wait around for the sky to fall and hope to God I got away without being completely disabled. Now I'm wondering ... .

This is going to sound SO weird but the most terrifying outcome might be that she does try to change and then wants to be friends with me.

WHOAH.  :light: :light: :light: :light: :light: :light: :light: :light: :light:

Man I do NOT trust her at ALL do I?

This sounds like you may not trust how you will feel. On the off chance she does react like that, you'll be faced with making a choice, no?

Aieeeeeeeeeeee Turk you just did my head in!

Dangit dangit dangit.

Yes. I will. I really will.

In fact I'm going to have to make this choice whether or not I confront and whether or not she responds, aren't I?

Is that what grownups do?

Criminy.

I did this. Set up boundaries. And her entire life fell apart.  I can't begin to tell you how much this hurts me inside but I know if I go out to caretake for her it will kill me.  If I don't it might kill her. I don't use either of those words lightly and it hurts so much. 

A very interesting thread Ziggidy... .

Yes. I have confronted my uBPDm mostly, and my NPD-traits dad a bit too. It was many years ago, at a time after I went to college and was truly becoming my own person and re-evaluated my childhood. I resented a lot about what they did/didn't do. And I confronted them (my mom mostly) on multiple occasions. It did not bring any positive outcomes, as they were both very defensive about why they did this or why they didn't do that or that I saw it wrong etc. etc.

In terms of our relationship, it was rather destructive. But it blew over as all of the storms usually do.

It did help me in terms of separating from them, setting my own course in life and maturing as a young adult. I.e. what my values were, what I saw as right/wrong helpful, hurtful etc. It also helped me set myself apart from them in terms of boundaries.

I have recently read several books that criticize the idea of confrontation as outdated psychology. For example Dr. Laura:

"I remember scores of people coming to me for therapeutic intervention  when I was in private practice as a marriage and family therapist, frustrated and confused, but not better off, from having had a such a supposedly “purging, cathartic experience” that would bring “closure to their pain.” Instead, it mostly left them isolated from their bio-families when such a disconnection was not necessary, unsatisfied that nothing constructive came out of it, feeling guilt for the havoc they had wreaked, and lost as to where to go next. Clearly, confrontation was and is not a panacea.

No, my friends, shootouts at the O.K. Corral session aren’t the way to peace and serenity…

…Peace comes with a price. If you’re not wiling to pay it, you won’t have it.

Facing up implies that you take responsibility for what you are doing to your life now. Confrontations imply that they take responsibility for what you are doing to your life now. I hope it is obvious to you which has more power to make your life better."

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Bad Childhood, Good life pp244-245

I tend to agree with the notion that the idea of an all out "confrontation" may not be therapeutic because of the destruction, stress and conflict it creates in the r/s.

On the other hand, I sense another underlining shade in your posts... .That excitement - I think (and I might be wrong) that that might be the desire of asserting your true separate self in plain view of your mom. Being free from the oppression of her dominance and your role as "her child" with all that it brings. To be able to breathe freely, to be yourself even in her presence.

If that is the case, it is an issue of strong boundaries. Where are you at regarding boundaries in general?

For me, it wasn't easy to assert myself with my parents, and even though I was a stubborn and strong-willed individual, it still took 3.5 years of NC in my late 20s to fully separate from them and become myself... .

So, what I am trying to say is that my way probably wasn't therapeutic, it may not have been the most healthy but it did accomplish the goal of separation and boundaries when I was young and did not have better tools at my disposal, and therefore it was worth it.


So, when you weigh the pros and cons, your strengths and weaknesses, your current maturity and tools you ARE able to use: is the destruction that this confrontation would cause (to your mom and to you in terms of retribution) worth the gain, or do you feel that your level of separation and boundaries is such that you can accomplish that goal in different ways?

Very interesting and worthwhile points there, blimblam and Pess-opt.

Yesterday I had a random phone call from an old friend who seems to be a step ahead of me in her healing from her own emotionally disordered mother. When I spoke to her about the idea of confrontation, her views were similar to yours, Pess. She was all for acknowledging the things that made us suffer but queried whether taking them to a source who was more likely to behave punitively as a result would bring about the most peaceable outcome.

Her view made me question my motives.

And also made me see that my mode of confrontation required some thought.

In my head it was an idea of rocking up with what amounts to a laundry list of results from poor, abusive and toxic parenting.

Would that be a venting that would make me likely to feel better? More grownup? I had to answer no. It wouldn't. But it doesn't rule out a much better idea - to confront one thing at a time over a period of time as an issue came up. I guess that's the equivalent of setting a boundary in a way.

Oddly enough, shortly after that my mother called. in the course of the conversation I calmly pointed out what she did (ignored my question and made it about herself) and reminded her that she had previously told me to tell her when she was doing/saying something that upset me.

I knew it would make her cry. I did it anyway. It felt confrontative.

She has previously and repeatedly denigrated my father for his inability to confront her. I pointed that out too.

Well she exited the conversation quite rapidly, very upset and I hung up feeling one step ahead.

It will produce a punishment but I can live with that.

I guess it's worth me defining what confrontation means. I see no reason to have a gunfight at the OK Corral! (love that, btw!) but I see more clearly what it means to set a boundary.

Maybe assertion is a better option than confrontation.

It still might be a good idea to make an inventory (for your own purposes) of what was unhealthy and how it shaped you.

And if you come up with positive outcomes, celebrate your resilience. If you come up with negative outcomes, you can devise a plan of what you can do now to learn a better way. This part was very empowering for me, because for a long time I believed that I was formed in an unhealthy way and now I was stuck (kind of like when concrete sets, that's what it will be with all of the dog prints and debris that got tracked onto it when it was still wet).

It took reading books like "The Narcissistic Family" to realize that 'Hello! I am not stuck, I can learn and do things differently!'  :light:

For that, knowing what I could be doing better and why, helps me correct the course and get on the right track.

Also, I started making a positive inventory of happy/good experiences of things that I appreciate about my parents, because I read that if we focus on all of the negative all the time, we may lose touch with the positive part of our past. (But that's a topic for another thread, I just wanted to mention it).


So, overall, would you call this conversation a step in the right direction, like little by little you will get to your desired destination this way?


That's a good point: what does confrontation mean to you?

I think that some of us may have been taught that confrontation is always a bad thing.

What does a healthy confrontation look like?

Hi Zig.  Well done with speaking up for you in the moment while knowing there will be a bit of fallout but doing it anyway.  I like the in the moment approach as it worked  fairly well for me.  The only thing I wish I could have done differently is to have always done it with grace and dignity rather than the yelling that often took place.  I kind of give myself a break there though as it was more important to stand up for me and set limits than it was for me to be able to say I did it with grace.  The fact is, I did not have the understanding or compassion for either my mother or myself to do so back then. 

anyway, I really like what you have written here.  I also like the questions that pessim-optimist asked and I will be thinking through my own answers.  Confrontation, no matter how well I handle it sometimes still *feels* like a battle and the question of what healthy confrontation looks like has me wondering if perhaps my definition of confrontation is a bit broken.

Confrontation v healthy confrontation. What an interesting thought. I did not realise that in my mind there was no such thing as healthy confrontation.

Due to attracting and encouraging friendships with people who have no ability to hear me or believe I have a right to my rights has created a false or rather a skewed sample.

If I just say it like I feel it right now, confrontation looks like fear, battle and loss.

Even in the areas of conviction I would leave rather than say or do anything to make someone feel as though I had put them in a position where I wanted some rights - eg a long time friend who swears constantly - rather than ask her not to swear whilst talking to me, I would avoid talking to her. Immature i see now but the only way I felt I could avoid the swearing. it is entirely possible that she might have said "Oh sorry Zig, mate, i'll stop doing it." But I wouldn't take that chance.

I see now how deeply the punishment of asserting myself previously has engendered a fear of confrontation in me.

How I see confrontation as a means to a loss.

In one way though, it shows me I have grown some spine because in planning a confrontation with uBPDm, I was willing to risk that loss to gain myself. i am now quite pleased about that!

Healthy confrontation. Hmmm. I recently witnessed an all-out debate about gun control and the 2 main protagonists both walked away with deep respect and friendship for each other.

I guess its possible but I can't recall having had a healthy confrontation atm.

harri thanks for the cheers  |iiii

i think  it is so important that you stepped up for yourself and that it would have caused such a volatile response but that you did it anyway speaks volumes to me.

I feel quite certain that it would be nearly impossible to retain graciousness in the face of BPD. I think it's enough to have the confidence. Serenity may follow later! 

Hi Z,

There are so many great thoughts in this thread, and I love the safe place here where it can be hashed out. 

I don't have the option to confront my uBPDm since she has died, but I remember one time early in my marriage when I needed to confront her about a particular area. I had to work up the courage, and I was shaking when I finally said something to her. The right time came when she started doing the very thing which I needed to confront her about, verbally abusing my step-mom. I had recognized some months before that my wonderful relationship with my step-mom was deteriorating rapidly due to the constant barrage which my mom inflicted upon her in almost every conversation with me. I told her to stop. She was angry, so angry that she wouldn't speak to me for several days (and unfortunately I was at her home-would've been wiser to chose a location where we could part ways right after). It worked for a long time.

Another example of confronting actually never took place except within my mind. There was a very mean boss I had in college, and separate issues I had with my grandfather, and I wished to confront both of them. For me, I began asking myself why I wanted to confront  and what I hoped to accomplish. You've been giving a lot of thought to these same things. In the end I came to the place of recognizing that I really wanted them both to change and to admit they were wrong, and to say they were sorry. When I processed that, I recognized that neither one of them would change or do what I wanted. In the end, I was able to find peace by walking through that without having to confront.

I love Pessim-optimist's point of


To have the courage to confront is something I admire in others because it certainly is not a character strength that I have of my own. I'm working at getting stronger though and hope to one day be able to confront in a healthy manner. I'm glad you are thinking, pondering, taking the time to consider and also that you are stepping forward a bit at a time to do so! Good for you!

Wools

I second that thought, and: it is a learning process, we get better by doing it... .


It is partly courage and partly also our natural temperament that may make it easier or harder for us. Give yourself credit for working hard on fighting your fears. 

By coincidence, I've been rereading the book Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59097.0.htm) (funny how the timing works sometimes)

Here is a tidbit about breaking away from the role of victim:

"Many of us know people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened.

... .they had been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical and sexual abuse, or by emotional blackmail and manipulation. We should herald that emancipation.

... .

Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain assertiveness. You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul.

But do not stay there. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than "finding yourself." A reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. It is necessary, but not sufficient." pp97-99

I loved that passage because it seems to express what we've been talking about and how/why even the destructive confrontation may serve a purpose even if it may not be the healthiest or wisest of all possible approaches.

Also, it seems to say that we do not necessarily need to act it out, but that it IS an important process that cannot be skipped if we are going to break free and grow.

Ziggidy - you seem to be on a very good and wise trajectory.  |iiii

(I just wanted to interject my latest find, and I hope I won't interrupt the flow of the thread regarding healthy confrontations)

Love this thread!

Have I ever confronted my uBPDmom? Well, I guess I did on many different occasions. The reaction I received depended on the situation. I don't recall a time that I listed all of the traumatic events, but I did address events that she would bring up and correct her misconception of how the event really occurred. Usually, she would tell me that I was a liar or that I was in a fantasy world and had made it up.

I can think of one time that I confronted her about the physical abuse of my sister and brother. She did admit what she had done, in her waifish way, and yet looked for sympathy from me. I realized that there really wasn't any point in trying to elicit any real feelings of guilt or shame on her part. She always had an out and a need to be taken care of by means of playing the victim.

There is an old saying, "You can't get blood from a turnip." Don't know where this saying originated, but it makes sense. I can't expect to get something from her she doesn't have to give.

So, I journal. I write down the pain and anger and it helps. Do I still want an apology? YES! But realistically, this won't happen. I would just settle for acknowledgement on her part for what she did. The validation of the abuse would mean as much to me as an apology.

Peace to all on our journey.  :)

          I confronted my sister who I think has BPD about how I felt about her blaming me for everything. I told her I didnt feel she showed me any appreciation for all the work I was doing for her and how he has never said thank you.

 I did it in response to her chewing me out about a problem of frozen pipes in my Aunts house where Im living. It turns out I had nothing to do with it.,

                     She flipped out and grabbed me and pushed me backward into a door and wouldnt let go. I told my mother and she did nothing about it.  

                           Since then I have distanced myself and put a lock on the door that leads to the other side of the house where she comes in to walk the dogs. Maybe this is drastic but I changed the front door handle and bought a new one with a key. It was broken anyways and needed to be replaced and the original key was lost. Now I can leave and lock the door and not worry about her snooping around my things or a break in for that matter.

              Its been pretty bad because now Im terrified of her.  Recently she has started writing these notes to me in the kitchen. She was the one who was wrong for what she did, so instead of being sorry she has all of a sudden decided to take over the feeding of the dogs claiming to make things easier for me. Having her show up here twice a day rather then once is not going to make things easier for me and now these notes she's leaving behind for me to read telling me what to do,and to infer underminding things Im supposively guilty of,     basically.

                    Her Notes make me anxious!  I was going to let it go and not say anything but I couldnt get this out of mind. It really bothered me and really to be honest,  she is bullying me,  plain and simple. All I want to do is defend and protect myself and as a human being I have that right. She doesnt have to agree with what I say, but I still have the right to say it and with that display of aggression she threw my way, I got thee impression that I wasnt allowed to have a voice and "that" my friend is abuse.  

                   So I got myself a piece of paper and a marker like she used and set about with my case to show her why I was not to blame over a certain incident Im pretty sure she's blaming me for. I had proof.  The thing is, it probably made her angrier because I think she wants me to be guilty of everything. It serves her in feeling that she is in control of everything.  This is my theory. This is my gut reaction. But what's important is that I said my say.

I wasnt mean about it. I just stated matter of fact things about the situation. I more or less let her know that I wasnt carrying any kind of guilty trip over the situation anymore.  It was such a release for me. She doesnt have any power over how I feel or most importantly how I feel about myself.    

                               Now,  chances are,  there is probably another note in the kitchen in reply to what I said. Im not going into the kitchen if I can help it.  I need a break.  She needs to stop.  I may just ignore it so I can have a good night. I think I will now that I suspect where she's really coming from. I dont live in the kitchen. I live on the other side of the house, the place where she cant get in...  yippeee!                

I have not confronted my unBPD mother. I have no plans to at the present time.

Will I ever? Not sure yet. I feel some guilt for not having done so, like I owe her an explanation for my distancing myself. When I first entered therapy, she was very anxious about it, and at one point asked me "so, do you know where we went wrong?" One might think that was a complete, open invitation to unburden myself to her. But I was not even remotely ready for that, and I don't think she really wanted to hear it.

One thing that bothers me about my family is that there seems to be some kind of unspoken agreement that my mom's the "crazy" one. While she does indeed have some major issues, I am seeing it more in light of what I think is family systems theory. And in that light, my father plays a role too. And while I think he's suffered as her husband, I also feel there's some sort of payoff for him in her continuing to be "crazy." It irritates me that she assumes that it's all her fault (though at the same time, she's trying her darndest to deflect any blame or accountability for her actions - confusing much?), and my dad is happy to stand by and let her think that. My dad has his own ugly side, and in some ways, I'm more afraid of that than my mom.

They say that it's not always the "craziest" person in a family who's really the sickest. I guess what I'm saying is that in an ideal world, I'd confront both of my parents. But in an ideal world, I wouldn't need to. And if I were to try to hold my father accountable for his part in any of this, I'm not sure he'd have anything more to do with me.

Ugh, what a mess! Well, my hope is that in getting clear about this in my own head, "confrontation" per se won't be necessary. Boundary-setting though, is absolutely necessary!

This speaks volumes. I'd say that that in itself is a significant insight, Is This Normal.