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Im trying to get an understanding of BPD because I was in a five year relationship with somebody who had B PD and the break up has been extremely difficult the feelings about myself are completely out of whack and I'm just trying to get myself back together back to the person I was before the relationship and I think understanding BPD little better will help me to heal and to get back to myself.

Hi eric5ho,

*welcome*

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear things are difficult. A break-up with someone with borderline personality disorder is very painful.

I'm glad that you have found us   Many members share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support.

Here's an article that I found help me to make sense of a confusing and painful experience.

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotions advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her".

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you. Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves)

What's the back-story? Did you break-up with her? Did she leave with someone else? Do you have kids together?

Welcome to the family.

--Mutt

Yes... .I have found that understanding, while not the be-all and end-all, has definitely helped me make sense of the utter chaos I found myself in at the end of my BPD relationship.

Most BPD breakups are pretty horrific and it can take a while before you feel like you're back to "yourself."  Stick close to the board and check out some of the reading materials:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

Learn as much as you can it may help give some closure. I am in that stage myself slowly coming out of the fog, putting the puzzle together and trying to heal. Take time for yourself, it's normal to feel what your feeling. Good Luck On Your Journey.

All of us here have been hurt by our borderline relationships. We are learning how to heal and grow. It is  long and grueling process but each day we see progress. Welcome, read and post. It helps!

Welcome Erich5ho,

You are in good company here. A break up with a wBPD is very tough because in the beginning we were made to feel like we were the most special person on the planet, we were needed and adored in a way we possibly have never felt before. My road to recovery started by learning as much as I could about cluster B personality disorders which helped me make sense of my ex's inexplicable behaviour (In the space of a few weeks I went from her telling her father that she had never loved a man like she loved me to being dumped and given the silent treatment)

I started therapy where the focus shifted from her to me.

A few things that have helped me:

learning about codependency and the white knight syndrome.

Understanding that a pwBPD is usually a world class liar and that it is likely that nothing they told you was true.

You are entitled to feel that you were a victim of a massive fraud.

Understanding that the entire relationship was a fairytale invented by a world class manipulator.

My recovery took longer than it should because I refused to be angry at her, I tried being the compassionate nice guy, big mistake! After I felt the anger towards her, things started getting better, so don't skip this step.

Don't try to apply logic when thinking of your relationship, there is none, these people are disordered, the normal rules do not apply.

Never think "I should be over her by now, this has gone on long enough" Don't run away from the emotions that the break up brings, feel them, grieve, cry when you need to, don't try to push the emotions away, that just creates more inner turmoil.

Celebrate the fact that getting over a break up with a pwBPD will see you really reach inside yourself and think about some big questions about yourself, you will come out of this a much better person.

Gradually try to shift the focus from her onto you. You are the only person you can do anything about.

Good luck and remember, we will be here for you.