BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Many wishes for a wonderful new year to the members of this group. I should have long ago sought out the support and comfort of others who may understand our lives. Thank you for being here!

My 20-something daughter has BPD, diagnosed in childhood. She's shown progress at times, but her current choices have nearly ripped my loving extended family to shreds. We're all so numb and worn out from her actions and from worrying about her and fearing for her future, I feel like a walking shell of a person.

I've had the weekly support of a wonderful family therapist for the last 13 years to help me decompress and keep some perspective. (My daughter hasn't participated in the last 10 years.) We hope and pray that she hasn't hopped on a path that will have her lost to us forever, but it is terrifying.

She had limited exposure to her father during childhood (I left him during my pregnancy after I experienced domestic violence)... .he is likely BPD and/or narcissistic personality and struggles with alcoholism and possibly substance abuse. One social worker asked that he be evaluated, felt he has sociopathic tendencies, but I wasn't privy to the outcome. His record of assaults includes myself, at least 2 other women and, when she was 14, my daughter herself. He recently attempted to assault my 30yo autistic son. I am aware of 6 orders for protection filed against him and multiple arrests/citations for assault. Enough of that... .we have been free of him and had healthy, mostly-fulfilling lives and relationships ever since.

My family knows how very blessed we are to have no mental illness (outside of my daughter's BPD), healthy and functional relationships and are all close and loving. I thought that our love and guidance would be enough to protect her and help her grow out of BPD at some point (or at least live a full life and learn to have healthy relationships despite it.)

Several years ago I began setting limits in earnest. Her abusive behavior had lessened anyway, but I made it clear that I would not tolerate it and gave her clear boundaries for interacting with me. As crazy as it sounds, I may question that choice forever, as it seems to have pushed her to her abuser.

Her father has convinced her that all of the charges against him were fabricated and that he was the actual victim. She now claims that she does not have BPD, but her only problem is that she was kept from this wonderful, loving father, ":)ad helped me see that If I'd just had my daddy I would have been fine. He WANTED to have me but you kept me from him / he couldn't afford to because of all of the child support... .etc." She seems to be living in some sort of disjointed fantasy world. She knows his criminal history, she was strangled by him and had hair ripped out of her head by him, she has cried herself silly most of her teen/young adult years after her random interactions with him and she knows the other women he beat and manipulated.

It would take an hour to type out the details of the horrible and delusional things she's said and participated in the last 2 years. The stories that filter back to me are so over-the-top insane, I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. There are 4 beautiful children trapped in foster care this moment partly because of lies she told (or supported) to child protective services. This is very serious and extends beyond just herself.

My awesome therapist (who knew my daughter and has been intimately aware of the details over the years) has explained the she is the victim of mind control (a lesser form of brainwashing?) and has symptoms similar to Stockholm Syndrome. His "group" that she is now in qualifies as cult-like, by definition. Her father is a textbook bully and cultivates a group of dysfunctional followers (mostly people who enjoy his money, alcohol, parties, etc.)

The thought that my beautiful, precious girl has been lost forever is killing me. She has instructions that she is not to talk with us or she risks expulsion from his world (he's already done that to my son but he has the insight to know that this isn't a loss.) I feel so ashamed of her at times and struggle to hope that her mental issues are to blame and that she doesn't suffer from a damaged soul or some sociopathic problem. My therapist has pointed out that it's classic that, concurrent with her joining his "group", he began buying her cars, flying her to many vacations, paying for expensive vet care for her animals, bailing her out financially over and over, hiring her (now) husband into a fairly cushy job for his skillset, etc. I feel like such a failure that this once beautiful child who grew up around admirable values and much love could be "purchased" and exhibit such hatred for everyone in her world outside of this new "group."

I will never stop loving my daughter nor will I give up on her. I have to admit, though, that the last 2 years of virtually no contact have been the most peaceful in my life, despite the grief. The professional advice is that I am to basically stay clear of her, send her birthday and holiday gifts and occasional "hello, I love you" notes but otherwise protect myself and try to heal my own soul. That she can't be helped until she's ready to face what she's done, what she's been led into, make amends for the appalling things she's said and the lies she has told to many. She would have to earn her way back into my world, that BPD isn't a free pass to excuse it all.

I've very saddened that she may have lost most of the extended family. They seem to have hardened themselves to her and don't indicate that they plan to forgive her or welcome her back without extreme actions of her part.  

My emotions swing wildly from "it's all caused by her BPD, there's still hope" to "my daughter is truly not a good person and lacks empathy for others, is borderline dangerous to others and I may have to face that."

I'm sorry for the length of my post. I guess I'm just facing that I'm just about used up inside and it would feel like a huge "virtual hug" if someone, anyone could relate to me or her. And I believe my therapist that groups such as yours are a wonderful resource and could be an outlet for me to share and give back. :D

Be well and thank you for indulging my tale.

 *welcome*

Hi SailingRightBehind,

I would like to welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing and you feel worn out. You have a lot going on  I'm glad that you have found us.

I'm so sorry to hear about your ex H and his history with his DV and your children. That's scary!

It's concerning that she's siding with dad. She sees one person as a bad person and the other person as a good person.

Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that works in her subconscious. She sees people as either all good or all bad. You know your H's prior history. It may be that she has emotional amnesia.

Gunderson on object constancy and "emotional amnesia"


That said. Splitting is not something that she controls or can be controlled externally. It's a defense mechanism triggered by anxiety and stress. She may split him all bad, for now he's all good.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0) We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0) and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace In A BPD Family (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html)

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)

Many members share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support. It really helps to talk. You're right, there is hope.

Welcome to the family  

--Mutt

Oh my, SailingRightBehind, I am so glad that you found us, and sorry that you needed to.  You are among friends, and among many who have walked such a similar, heart-breaking path.  Your grief is palpable, I am so sorry that you are in the thick of it.

When my beautiful daughter disappeared from her college campus (barely 18,) I found these boards.  I also found Family Connections, a 12-week course for family members who have someone either diagnosed with or with the behaviors of BPD.  This class saved my life.  It was startling how many of our stories were similar (and sadly, sounded so much like yours.)  The class is part support group, part psychoeducational, and part therapeutic.  It is also offered via teleconference, which is how I took it.  Here is a link to Family Connections on the NEA BPD website, and there is also a link to the class registration form:

www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/


I lost my daughter for several years.  She was also cut off from us by an abusive man that she had married.  Her journey has been so crazy, most "normal" people would not even believe it... .at times it has involved filing a multitude of false police charges, creating "evidence" to substantiate the made-up stuff, involvement by local FBI at one point, addiction, domestic violence, and it goes on... .you know it all too well!  I only say this to assure you that you are not alone, and most of all, that YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. These behaviors are a reflection of mental illness, not a reflection of you.  When my daughter was a senior in high school she won awards, was in the Honor Society, sang beautiful solos, and was commented on as being such a wholesome, beautiful young lady.  She turned into the antithesis practically overnight. 

You are receiving very good (but oh, so painful!) advice.  Keep working on your own healing, as impossible as that seems amidst the intense grief.  Keeping the contact with her brief also worked well in my situation. At times I received random, angry texts from her, telling me to never contact her again in any way, shape, or form.  During those times I simply bowed out for very long periods of time.  At Christmas or birthday I would lovingly shop for something small and send it to her, realizing that she may refuse it.  I will never forget the time that I sent her a winter coat (she was living halfway across the country where the winters are very cold.  I had noticed from FaceBook photos that she was wearing a very old, tattered coat from her high school years.)  Without warning I received a text thanking me for the lovely coat. 

Her life has swung wildly about.  I have worked hard to work on my own healing and to set healthy boundaries and to decide just how she can be in my life.  When her addiction is active, I cannot be in her life at all and have to let her go.  When she drinks, she drinks so much that doctors have no idea how she is alive (blood alcohol level at .45%.)  She is now 26 and sober for a little over 2 years.  She invited me to come to the AA meeting where she got her 2-year sobriety coin.  She currently goes to the county jail a few times a month and leads AA meetings.  She still does not really have any friends - it is very hard for her to maintain friendships.  She gives too much, fears abandonment and so "smothers" people, etc. 

You are doing everything that you can.  Sadly, there is no way to know how things will turn out for your precious, beautiful girl.  I never dreamed that mine would be alive, or would be back in my life in any sort of positive way.  And even now I hold it all very loosely. 

You - and her - are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.  May we all share in your pain just a bit in hopes that it might be even slightly lessened.

All the best,

PictureLady   

Oh, Mutt, thank you so much for both the reminders of the terminology and the reminder about splitting - the term is familiar but it's been a decade since I read any of the "eggshells", etc. books. I have not heard the term "emotional amnesia" and the Gunderson quote/object constantcy resonates deeply. I'm fascinated and eager to learn more! It can be hard to see the forest through the trees and this gives me more perspective. And the links to the articles and info look wonderful, can't wait to view and read them.

My therapist reminds me that situations like her black & white, "abusive father is now hero" outlook will likely take care of itself. That situations like that are always a house of cards and collapse in on themselves eventually. He will eventually remind her of his nature and that emotional amnesia will lift (fingers crossed!) Until this happened she'd been basically a serious momma's girl and I'm sure many thought that she was too close to me for her age. Hopefully she will come around and then we can take action and get her some help again.

Right now I'm trying to start a fresh life where I plan a way to survive (and thrive, there's a concept!) regardless of which way the wind blows her.

So many resources and posts to go through and it's such a relief :D

And picturelady, I so appreciate you sharing your story. I will check out the course that helped you so much. I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have gone through, how I wish that nobody else should ever experience this. And reading her/your words is like looking in a mirror (minus the addiction problems, though she tends to have friends with addiction problems that she's "saving" - nearly everything you said is spot on and relates to my 27yo also. Down to the false reporting and the random texts hoping to drag me into a scene and threatening me that I'll never see her again (if I don't do whatever it is she's demanding.) I've been living with eyes in the back of my head.

The advice from both of you is wonderful, thank you.

I am very touched that you both took the time to reach out and be kind. It's taken me 20+ months of being estranged from her to rebuild my strength enough to join this group today. Foolish to wait so long, I see now! Hindsight... . 

Bless you all. Be well and I look forward to learning and, hopefully, helping others in the future.

Sailing, you have obviously already done a LOT of personal work... .you are insightful and have educated yourself well!  And don't beat yourself up for taking 20 months.  Take what you need!  I remember being a nervous wreck to even venture out with my first post on these boards... .

Wishing you peace today,

PictureLady