BPDFamily.com

Hi family,

Two questions have been on my mind lately and I would love to have everyone's input / opinions / experiences.

1. Do our exes ever "get theirs"? Several wonderful members on this site have convinced me that my ex is putting on a good front via Facebook and pretending that he is the happiest guy on the planet. I'm fine with that. I understand. But do they ever "get theirs" from treating folks so poorly? I admit - a part of me wants to see my ex crash and burn. But he seems to skate along unscathed by any of his rotten deeds.

2.  Why do our exes continue to keep tabs on us if they have zero intention of contacting us? Mine does this on a regular basis - yet never reaches out for contact. What do they get out of snooping?

Please share your thoughts with me! 

I suspect that mine does as well... .I'd like to know the answer to this as well.

They are never very happy.  I think many suffer badly.  It is a serious condition and it can end in suicide or death via self harm (alcoholism/substance abuse).

I am not sure why they snoop but suspect it has something to do with never fully detaching.  How can they fully detach if they jump to new supply so quickly?  They seem too scared to process proper grief.

I understand how you would want your ex to have some type of repercussions from the things he has done.  Ultimately, pwBPD do have repercussions.  They have a disorder that causes them a great deal of intense emotions.  My pwBPD has extreme self-loathing, shame, and depression.  He told me, "When I am in the pit of darkness and depression, I can't see or believe anything else besides the pain.  I feel like I deserve the pain so I bask in it and almost enjoy it because, I feel like that is what I deserve."  Essentially, my pwBPD lives in an inner hell.

1.) They do say what goes around comes around but I'd like to get to a place that I just don't care if she's happy as a lark or still stuck repeating the BPD cycles.  I don't want to waste anymore time or energy on someone that can't appreciate me for who I am.  But to be honest, I think having a lifetime of BPD would be enough of a "what for."

2.)  It has to do with control and their issues with attachment.  Knowing where you are and what you are doing.  I've dated two cluster B's.  The first was my first real relationship.  She has yet to ever reach out but she continually friend requested me on facebook and she e-mails my parents once or twice a year.  My parents do not respond yet she continues to write.  She is married and has a child.  We broke up 9 years ago.  

The second was my 6 year r/s to the person I married.  She left 2.5 months ago so it's too early to tell what she'll do - she kept communicating with me early but after a week or so, I told her to leave me alone.  I've been NC ever since, aside from divorce communications.  If she does reach out, I will not be re-engaging.  From what I know about her, she kept tabs on all of her ex's.  Even well wishing them when they found new relationships, checking in on them (I know all of this because when she left, she left a lot of personal stuff, e.g. letters, her facebook up on my computer, etc.  She also got back with and ex when she left me.  

It's all about control and keeping options available.  You proved to be a person that could meet their needs so they need to keep you around in case things go sour elsewhere.  And you have to see this from their perspective, keeping tabs on you is their way of making you seem available or accessible should they need you, it doesn't matter if you are actually available.  Or that's my take, #notadoctor.

Mine sure as hell aint keeping me around... .thats a good thing.

Mine left a LOT of personal stuff as well. Among everything, a large trunk of personal keepsake type items that you go into a burning house to retrieve. Inside are her kids baby items, photos, letters from friends, her HS cap and gown, newspaper clippings, family jewlery, etc. I have made her family aware of these items but she will not make arrangements to pick them up (she did a 'disappearing act' and I have not spoken to her at all as I am blocked from contacting her... .don't even know where she lives)... .why do they do that?

Mind games. That's all it is. Don't trust them.

The disorder creates a lifetime of misery, my ex had only fleeting moments of happiness and contentment between bouts of extreme anguish and discontent; she "gets hers" every day, regardless of the facade that is painted for the purpose of forming new attachments.

Think attachments with borderlines; if one was formed with someone a borderline never wants to let that go, although may not follow through and make contact because of shame.  My ex has been contacting me on and off for over 27 years and will probably never stop, although it's pretty random and I never return anything; there's still an attachment there to her and she's testing it.

So what about, say , in my case. Where my BPD did a 'disappearing act' and went through significant efforts to block me from contacting her - she broke up via text and blocked me from every conceivable way of contacting her. Do you suggest that this is a temporary thing since she remains attached?

Mine didn't even tell me it's over, she just simply disappeared. Changed her number, deactivated her Facebook... .Yet, drives MILES out of the way to pass my house. So yes, in my opinion everything with a borderline is temporary.

The other force in a borderline mind is engulfment, where a borderline gets too close to someone and feels like they will lose themselves into that other person so they push them away, only to feel abandoned, which sets up the push/pull we've all experienced.  It's a cycle so everything is temporary, but if she's feeling ashamed by her actions she may not initiate contact because of it, and if she found a new attachment that can quell the feelings of abandonment.  But in my experience the attachment is still there, and if things are not good in her current situation you may pop up on her radar as someone who can make her feel better, and you might get a call as if nothing is wrong and nothing ever happened; such is the case with someone who has an unstable sense of self, a need to attach to soothe her emotions and is impulsive.  Never say never and I'm sorry she disappeared like that, but do you really want that phone call?

I remember reading on here a long time ago about how some of them seem delighted when they hear you've had some bad luck in life and want to know more about your misfortune rather than offer real support.  

Perhaps that is why they keep tabs on some of us?  That and not wanting to detach completely.  I am convinced that my ex will never detach from his ex and she has no clue about it.  As for me, I believe 100% that he doesn't care.  I was just an instrument he used to get his fantasy girl to think he's a hero or something.  That's the hardest part of it all to accept.  I gave so much love to someone that couldn't care less.

How long were you together? How long have you been apart?

From what my ex has told me, she had "gotten her's" in all three relationships that followed ours. The first guy, who she left me for and moved to the States to be with, canceled their wedding (she was only 21 and had only known the guy for a few months). Her second relationship I don't know too much about, but apparently he raped her 4 months in and they broke up at least once but got back together; she ended it after a year, I don't know why. But when he found out she went on Tinder and had a random hook up with some guy after their official breakup, he went nuts on her apparently and absurd her physically and verbally. The third relationship she entered which only lasted a month was the worst of them all she said. He abused her, cheated on her, manipulated her; she said it was hell, and even told me maybe it was karma for what she did to me in the past.

As for snooping, I know for a fact she checks my posts on this message board I post at (she remembers my username).

Yes they do!

Today, on FB, my ex has posted up text message screen shots between 'mr perfect'  replacement and two other girls, clearly showing he is cheating. I got shown by a member of my staff who sheepishly asked 'if I was up to hearing about exgf'. Honestly, you'd think from what she says and also FB they were Perfect but this thread today shows there has been cracks, lies and cheating from day one. Both their families are bickering and threatening each other where just at Christmas they were in group photos on FB (I looked back today not looked since May)

I confess I burst out laughing. I did not and do not feel bad about this. She is going on like she has never lied or cheated on anyone in her life lol


Validation anyone?  

together 18 months. Apart 9 months

She has not contacted you at all? have you tired to contact her?

Do they get theres well my exw is married to a guy who is either BPD NPD or pscopath. She is miserable. Our eldest son said he wanted to live with me and refused to go bsck. She guilted him into doing so but it scared her a lot. She is constantly walking on eggshells and I even got a few I told you so's in for good measure. Not out of spite but to try and get her to stick up for our sons with her husband.

As for stalking they may want to see us fail to justify not being with us or it might be just to see if their old toy is still in he toy cupboard in case they want to play with them again. Or maybe its regret and longing.

Great responses! Thank you all for your thoughts. My ex is back with his partner of 26 years. When he dumped me - he immediately went back to her. No new supply in the mix. It is a dysfunctional relationship to say the least. Alcohol abuse is a big factor.

I think he's also becoming religious. Perhaps at age 52 he's wanting to get into heaven and thinks it's time to clean up his act !   lol

Either way - he's putting on quite a show for all to see on Facebook. He seems very happy and quite content. Quite the jovial fellow with ! after every sentence. He wants you to FEEL how happy he is these days! There are zero signs of the disorder. Perhaps it's now in remission due to his age? Just seriously makes me wonder... .

And I don't think he'll ever pay any type of price for his actions towards me. But I hope one day I truly won't care.

1. Of course they do. One of the biggest things I've come to understand about my ex is that she is more or less always in survival mode. She's basically spends her life jumping from one personal crisis to the next. She can't ever settle down and feel safe. She never fixes her problems, she just juggles them, and every bad decision she makes is just another ball being thrown into the mix. It builds and builds until she drops them all, and her life falls apart. And then instead of things getting better, she just starts the cycle up again. Imagine how miserable that has to feel to live like that. Besides, how awesome can your life be when you're unable to maintain lasting, meaningful relationships with others?

2. I suspect that it's probably similar as to why many of us do the same thing.

They already have gotten their's many times over. Where do you suppose their lack of sensitivity comes from? They know the nature of change because they change from moment to moment and wonder why you don't. I think the pros call it instability.

They have already " got theres " before they ever met you A lot of it is acting out for years or lifetimes afterwards my ex tried to commit suicide a couple of times within 3 to 4 months of leaving me ( she had linked up with another guy poor sod who she wanted to marry an have a kid with heaven forfend b4 she even left me ) it only caused more pain for everyone involved

This is why I am not on FB. People post and pretend a lot. It is ridiculous. No one has a perfect life and pictures can lie. Also,  my ex fiance BPD is in his late 50's so the disorder does not go away... .he is very sick and honestly would love to see me fail. He is full of revenge even though he cheated.

I hope somehow someday he gets to feel what he caused.

Same thing going on with mine right now.  Got caught cheating and is now out for revenge as if he is the injured party.



I am wishing the same for mine.  Sorry, but I guess I am not a big enough person to wish him well in life after all the pain he caused me repeatedly.

I think they "got theirs" already.

These people have AWFUL lives.  Seriously. We spent a period of time in their lives and how bad did it suck?

They spend their whole lives there.

I think it is because many of us want them to "get theirs" because we have been badly burnt by them and they didn't show any remorse.  So while their lives might be hell, we don't actually see them getting burned.  Only those of us that stroll into their hell seem to get burnt to a crisp.

Something else I've been wondering about lately. What happens when the BPD ex begins to lose his enablers due to illness / old age / death?  I've heard thru friends that my ex has been basically "living in the past" lately. He's been posting really old photos of himself as a child with long-dead relatives. Gushing on and on about them.

In his particular situation - the spouse is quite a bit older than him (now in her mid-sixties). She has the beginnings of a ":)owagers Hump" on her back (osteoporosis) and abuses alcohol daily. Had a tough bout with cancer when she was much younger. It left her neck rather deformed. His mother is in her mid-seventies and is a heavy drinker / smoker.

These two women are his "rocks", if you will. His biggest enablers. There really is no one else that he'll be able to turn to once his mom is gone, and if the spouse passes before he does.

I wonder how he'll handle those losses. He seems to be clinging very tightly to worn-out traditions, places, and relationships (his marriage) these days. Fear of being alone, perhaps?  Seeing his spouse aging faster than him?

Anyone have thoughts on this?

Same here!  Why do they do this?  I can't wish my ex well either.  He doesn't deserve it.

Lipstick, this is very interesting.  I don't know what happens when they lose their enablers, but this is a good question.  I would think they slowly fall apart?  If he is posting very old pics a lot then he could be trying to hold onto what is slipping away from him. 

In some ways I want my ex to "get hers".  However, I think I already gave that two her a couple times when I either broke up with her or she perceived that I was breaking up with, which put her through a world of trauma (according to her).  Who knows -- she seemed totally fine about discarding me in the end. 

Ultimately I'm not really sure what "getting hers" would entail.  I think "getting hers" will simply come in the form of getting older and losing her power over decent men.  My hope is that some of these BPD/NPD women will have their power largely eviscerated as they age out of the prime marriage market.     

Geeze, that makes perfect sense. The way I view her right now, though, I have a hard time believing it, even though I know you're right. I've been told that she hasn't taken anything down on Facebook that has to do with us or me individually (I deactivated my acct). All the pictures, posts, etc. I thought that was bizarre, but I guess I don't now. I thought she would've hated me and been so angry at me for leaving her that she would have deleted everything! She hasn't tried to contact me in over a month, though, thankfully. I wonder if she's stalking me or keeping tabs on me somehow, otherwise?

Speaking from experience first hand, researching BPD and recently dealing with an intense 1 week recycle. They ALWAYS "get theirs" and I will tell you why. \

Like many people here, wonder if their BPD ex is happy and wondering how they can post FB pics looking so happy etc.

well, my ex did the same in the 2 months we were apart. Posting pics with the replacement etc.

After 2 months, when she came over to my place, it was confirmed that this is all smoke and mirrors.

The first night she stayed at my apt, she was jolting in her sleep due to anxiety. She had started drinking a lot. Her life turned into a mess. I gave her stability.

She wasn't and isn't happy at all. Even right now, she is miserable. Their entire life is torment, anxiety, and drama. Trust me. I have just witnessed it. It's not much different from BPD to BPD, either. While they are different people, their disorder is the same and carries the same symptoms.

I imagine that for some of them the anger and trauma from past relationships just builds and builds with each broken relationship, so their ability to maintain healthy relationships and trust just gets worse and worse.  Also, over time, for BPD women, I think their marks will get less and less desirable over time.  It's difficult to generalize, but perhaps each BPD really gives a serious go at engagement or marriage at least once, but then might be so traumatized by that experience that future relationships will be taken with a foot even further out the door. 

Mine BPD marriage/engagement scorecard was as follows:

-her sons father: never married or engaged. She split him before the child was born

-her marriage lasted 8 months to her 'best friend' of 10 years... .more victimology

-engaged to a 1 year relationship, long distance... .vicimized again, too controlling... .lasted less than a year

-engaged to me for a year... .disappearing act 3 months ago... .painting me black I am sure that she is again a victim at my hands

Mine might be unique but they definitely WANT to be engaged and then married but clearly cannot handle it.

Wow.  If I hear a date say an ex-fiance was "too controlling" I might immediately ask for the check.  It's like pwBPD want to live without compromises, rules, boundaries, etc. -- if any of this is encountered, it's "controlling."

 

Yeah... .this. Same story.  They want to do whatever they want.

well said!

This is a really good question because my ex had an entirely unhealthy relationship with her mom. Basically the mom still treated her like a needy little girl and my ex was in contact with her constantly wanting advice on every aspect of her life. Anything her mum said my ex would take as gospel. The mum has some serious issues herself IMO. I can't imagine how my ex will cope when her mom dies. My ex once said that "no one loves their mum like I do" of course she doesn't love her mum, she "needs" her mum. I once wrote about them that "they are entwined in a grotesque dance of neediness and addiction"

Same exact situation with my ex and her mom.  I'm almost certain her mom has BPD too.  Ultimately the mom will drive you out b/c she wants her daughter all to herself (b/c nobody else will tolerate the mom).

I don't know if it's exact, but certainly my exBPDgf's mother rendered some control over her. My ex is 46. We were together 9.5 yrs. I feel sure the reason we aren't together today (it's been 5 months now) was that her mother asked her if she & I were in a lesbian relationship. And I'm pretty sure my ex sold me down the river and said I was "chasing" her. I'm just guessing because when I asked her what she told her mom, she mumbled something and walked away. The devaluing started after that. Unfortunately since I had no idea what was happening, I thought it was stress from a court battle.

Interestingly, the first 6 yrs we were together, we had no serious issues. Even her behavior was extremely normal. My ex is of Hispanic descent, but only culturally lives that way around her mother and her siblings. She has a masters degree and is the first in her family to have a college education. But she started saying late in our relat that she couldn't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay. Her mother buys my uBPDexgf clothes that her mother wants her to wear, and they are always tight dresses or too short shorts. My ex never dressed like that until her mom started sending her them. And what daughter lets their mother buy their wardrobe for them at 46 anyway? Same thing with shoes, uncomfortable high heels, etc.

Her mom is in her late 60s, has been married and divorced 3 times and tells her daughter after a 2.5 yr custody battle with her exH that she needs to find a man to take care of her. My ex has known (or rather was afraid considering the environment she was in) she was gay since she was a teen. And she also has a professional career. Her mom just flung her back in the closet because of her own fears. And shamed (or ignored) my ex when she told her about childhood abuse at the hand of one of her mother's siblings.

Her mom and I knew one another. I feel sure it bothered her that I had "too much" influence over her daughter. I suspect that my ex will grow tired of her mom's interference at some point. Afterall, there is only so much criticism on can take from their parent until you have to lash out or leave them.

I've been to see mine tonight and I can tell just by the look on her face, she is in living hell right now and has been since the r/s ended last week. She made a rash judgement based on how she was feeling at that time (in an effort to punish me for something I hadn't done) and realises the impact of her judgement. For her now it's a living torment and I've had 3 nights of phone calls where I've heard her cry like I've never her her cry before. She has talked about the intense pain in her chest that is so bad she really wishes she was dead.

Regardless of whether she jumps to a new r/s that pain will remain and follow her everywhere she goes. She can't control it because she doesn't have the capacity to deal or understand what is causing that pain, it's too painful for her to even look inwards. Yes, she could mask it for a month maybe 3 months but then it will be there again.

As for letting go, they can't do that. To them it's death so they need to make sure you are still around to feel that attachment.

When my marriage ended with exN/BPDw, I went NC immediately and blocked her from everything. She immediately befriended my exgf because she had to keep an attachment. I've got a great relationship with exgf as she is the mother of my eldest daughter and there is enough respect there that she doesn't tell exN/BPDw anything about me and I don't ask about her either. She does tell me that exN/BPDw asks from time to time about me but she gives nothing away. She refuses to be the middleman in anything which greatly annoys exN/BPDw.

RH

You really hit on something for me. Mine did a disappearing act a few months ago and I have not heard from her. Along the way, she blocked me from every imaginable way to contact her. Included in the scorched earth campaign was to unfriend all of my friends on FB and (successfully) compel her friends to do the same. However, she remained friends with the wife of my best buddy for some reason. His wife, is crazy in her own rite, ended up not talking to me and actually taking the side of my ex and will no longer speak to me (this is like frigging Peyton Place!). Did she do this as your ex befriended your acquaintance as a lifeline back to you? Do you know if this is a standard BPD thing?

I think she did, because I've mentioned on other posts about my exN/BPDw resurfacing now with another FB profile (now blocked too  |iiii ) New LinkedIn page (also blocked) as I had a strange feeling she was gearing up to re-engage. My exgf, has had a very difficult year, her mother had a stroke, lost her father in October, brother tired to commit suicide, lost her uncle a month after her father and was on the verge of a breakdown at work. Given all of that, she's had no time for exN/BPDw so that line was severed for a short time and suddenly she starts reappearing.

I know with exBPDgf, that I went NC after New Years Eve (lasted 3 days before I got the suicide threat emails) and I think what tipped her over the edge is that my d14 also blocked her on FB given what she did to me, so she lost that link to me and was desperate to get it back.

There are similar stories on the site about exes that still keep a connection going to the family so I'm not entirely sure if it's a standard BPD thing but there seems to be more of it than not so may very well be.

I have been curious about this very thing. The prevailing wisdom is that non's are nothing more than objects that are used and discarded with little if any emotional fanfare. Either thats not true or its just more complicated than that. Do they keep us around just as I keep around a second 3/4" socket wrench (that I never use) just to have it at their disposal and use? Or is these, in fact, real emotional attachment (or a murky mix of the two depending on the individual)?

I think it's more complicated than that.  Their opinions fluctuate so much.  At the very least I'm sure they still want to feel some power over you.  In any event, I don't care whether mine hates me, "loves" me, or is indifferent towards me -- I just want her to keep her distance and not hurt me in any way.

You may think i am crazy... .but me and an older womeni know, we made a relationship in facebook just for the fun of it, the rs lasted less than a week. I after discovered my BPDex had almost mirrored her own rs with some poor dude, and the dates for initiating and ending was almost the same .


Yes it sounds out of the fog, but fits with the other strange behaviour of her... .

I'm not giving her  chance to follow me. She's blocked on every thing that can be blocked

Don't chase. Let go.