BPDFamily.com

Hi All

So i stumbled across this site in my search for answers following the end of my 6 year relationship.

I guess i am trying to make some sense about why our relationship ended. The last weekend we spent together, my partner and I had a fight and I was also going through some external family pressures at the time and was upset about those issues. I remember going home with her on the Sunday, being upset and her comforting me saying everything will be ok and that she loved me. The following night, i got a text message more or less saying it is over and she can't do it anymore. From that moment on she has been cold and cruel the entire time. I have tried to talk to her, to work out it out and every time i have reached out resulted in her either ignoring me, being abusive and cruel or even posting (and laughing) at a text message exchange on social media.

She is not diagnosed with BPD, however after a lot of reading i feel like this may be applicable. For years she would constantly break up with me and become this awful person saying awful things such as i never loved you, i hate you, you are the cause of all my problems and would also fixate on things that happened years ago to show an example of how bad a person i was. Every time that happened I would then have to do something extravagant to fix it like fly down to see her, or agree to plans to move interstate with her, even agreeing to get a dog (when we rented and couldn’t even take care of our own animals at that time). She would always come back, she would say I never meant what I said I always love you and we would never discuss what occurred and go about living our lives until the next fight and her breaking things off. It feels like instead of fighting like most couples do, every time we fought, would end in her breaking it off. It was an awful cycle and I suffered such extreme emotional distress for years with this happening.

I feel like i have been on this emotional roller-coaster ride for years and now that its ended official (4 months now) i am having such a hard time moving on and letting go. I miss her everyday and i hate the fact that if she called i would go back to her in an instant and resume our relationship.

I guess im just looking for people who also experienced such intense emotional relationships and any words of advice for moving on. She is on nearly every dating website around and it really hurts me. its like as soon as she ended it this time i was a complete stranger and/or someone who she hated so much. There has been no compassion, no checking in to see how i am going even though she is very aware how much i have been struggling with the end of our relationship. She used to say to me that we were going to spend our lives together, we would speak of children and she would tell me how much she loved me. I dont know how she can end a 6 year relationship and not even give me a second thought, and in fact when i would contact her  she would really drive the knife in some more and make sure i was hurting even more. It all seems so cruel. The last thing she ever said to me on the phone was 'i hope you kill yourself'.

A little about her behaviour also to see if it is characteristics of BPD - she would have very intense anger issues, explode, yell, scream at me over something that wasn’t worthy of that reaction, example I suggested we drive to work instead of the train one day and she lost it when there was morning traffic on the road and yelled the entire trip to work. She used to say to me when we lived apart (I had to move for work for a period), that it’s hard for her to think of me and love me as 'out of sight, out of mind'. She confessed to me she thought she had a minor gambling problem, she would binge eat and put on a fair bit of weight - when I tried to motivate her to exercise she would blame me for the weight gain and then also say I was pressuring her to  exercise and she would do it in her own time. My pressuring was really an encouragement to eat healthy when she expressed desire too and/or come to the gym with me when I was also going. She told me she had depression but that it was untreated and she said that gets like that sometimes and she will snap out of it in time, she always blamed me for everything wrong in her life, would go on dating sites right away after breaking up with me or I suspect when we were still together as well. I used to say to her that our relationship was really good and we would be doing fine as long as she stops her silliness – to me it seemed like things were good until she did something else to drag us down and cause problems. She also tried to commit suicide when she was 16 (took pills then called her sister for help). She had an unhealthy addiction to porn at one time, I don’t know if that is still the case as I think she got better at hiding it. She would lie about things from time to time. She was unmotivated to do anything, would spend a lot of time in her room watching the world go by. She wasn’t able to communicate her emotions to me, would seem to just shut down.

I don’t know why I put up with her constant break up, get back together cycle we were in. She could say the most awful things to me, ‘I hate you’, I never loved you’, ‘you are the worst person in the world’…and i would never react like it was out of line. I seemed to just accept her bad behaviour.

Now that we have broken up she seems to be doing very well, she has lost weight through a shake diet and has told me that she has never been happier. I feel like maybe I was to blame with everything and that I am a bad person. I loved her very much and im just so lost as to how she could love me, I could feel the love and now say she feels nothing and that I disgust her. I have called her upset before and she just yells at me and hung up the phone before blocking me, there is just no empathy on her part only hatred for me.  It’s a very tough time and my heart goes out to anything experiencing a rough breakup.

First off, you aren't responsible for any of her actions. She didn't get better because you are out of her life. Heck, she may say it was a shake diet, but it could really be because she was too depressed to eat and told you it was a diet. She had plenty of opportunities to do it the 6 years you were together, but it didn't happen, so I'd take her saying she is happy and all that other jazz with a grain of salt.

There are many others here, especially moderators who can give you more info about borderlines. She may be that, she could even be bipolar. But they really have to be diagnosed by professionals. You need to sort stuff out in your head. And the best way is to not let her beat you up emotionally. Take a step back. My ex decided she was straight after 9.5 years. If we had talked about ending the relat in a dignified manner, I wouldn't be here. The way she ended it let me know something isn't right about her. Sadly, I thought she was a pretty normal person who was just "stressed out" all the time. Right... .

Thankyou for your reply, it means so much to me right now and I'm so grateful for any advice.

I do think you are right about the happiness. It fails me how you can walk away from a serious long term relationship and suddenly all your problems in life are resolved. But she could also be able to do this because she actually believes I was the root of all her issues. I'm sure if that's the case it will catch up to her one day. I just feel so bad that if she does have BPD then I failed her as a partner and shouldnt have argued so much with her and instead have helped her. Ah it's all just such an awful situation.

I've considered bipolar as well, I just thought BPD for more with her ability to detach so quickly, but I did also see that the constant beak up cycle is a feature of bi polar as well.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. That would be crushing after such a long time. I'm not sure how your relationship ended but I understand how an awful way to end it can have a severe impact . At least she showed her true self to you and I hope, as in my case, we find that it was all for the best long term.

The best thing to move on is to gradually change the focus from thinking about her to being kind to yourself. If she does indeed have BPD or any mix of the cluster B disorders you are talking about a quite seriously disordered individual where the normal rules of human interaction do not apply.

You really need to go 100% no contact. They have the ability to keep stringing you along and YOU have to be the one in charge not them. Just about everyone here will tell you the absolute importance of going no contact.

Hello Ezra,

Sorry to hear all this about your r/s. I know it's very painful. 6 years is a long time. Trust me you will get  through this. You must understand that  the erratic behavior of your partner is not your fault, you must remember this at all times. Since we are dealing with a behavior consistent with a personality disorder, things are that without a proper Dx and therapy, things are likely to remain in their present state. You cant fight the disorder, control it or cure it. It wasn't your fault. This type of things are very painful when they happen the way they do, and it looks like if reality is tearing apart. Considering the circumstances this is normal.

Now it's time to focus on yourself, and start to heal the wounds. So you came to the right place, folks here have plenty of advice and your voice will always be heard.

So take it easy. You are going to learn about yourself.

Thankyou so much. It is a constant battle to remind myself that i am not responsible for her behaviour. it is hard being told how awful i am and blamed from someone i once cared very deeply for. But i need to recognise that this behaviour is likely as a result of a disorder and unfortunately i just became the trigger for it all. The dating so soon afterwards is one of the hardest parts (along with the lack of empathy), its like she didnt even spend 6 years with someone and i feel like i am so replaceable. it looks like that is a common theme for many people here though!

I do need to focus on myself, I am seeing a psychologist to try and help myself through it though she has suggested i may need to start anti depressants to lift myself out of this depression i am in right now. This place has already been a huge help, just reading so many articles, its finally feels like everything is aligned and i can make sense of what and why i am going through this and have been subjected to this rollercoaster for so long. Its nice to feel as not alone as i did.  I just hope that she gets the help she needs.