BPDFamily.com

Hello 

I was seeing some posts here of forum and I am with a doubt ... . 

We love intensely and suffer for a relationship for our partners/ex BPD, but the BPD feel the love in the same way we feel for them? They feel bad when they hurt us or do not realize it?

In most posts that talk about ending a relationship with a BPD, I see they forget us too fast, they forget everything we did and just leave us lonely not knowing which direction to go ... .

Based on my interaction with my pwBPD, I would say that she cannot truly love another human being.  She just couldn't see me as a beautiful person in the same way that I could see her as a beautiful person, with her flaws and all. 

She said "I love you" fairly early on the in the relationship.  I can't remember exactly when; maybe 3 months in or 6 months in (we had known each other for more than 10 years though).  I don't think I said "I love you" back to her for at least another 6 months (maybe 12 months) after she first said it.  Saying it so early is suspect -- makes me believe that she's not really sure what love is.

I told her while we were engaged "I love you unconditionally" and she looked at me confused like she didn't understand and said "Huh? Like a parent is supposed to love a child?"

I'm not sure what she meant by "I love you."  Maybe it was akin to "I need you" or "I like you" for your status, money, attention, etc.  The totality of her behavior did not demonstrate love.  With all of this said, part of the confusion with BPDs seems to be that they're able to change their minds fairly impulsively, sometimes seemingly without remembering what they had previously felt or said.

Mine did seem to genuinely feel bad a couple times she hurt me or others.  But other times she seemed to take pleasure in or be indifferent towards hurting others.  Also, she would justify some of her behavior by essentially telling herself (and me) that I deserved to be punished for some perceived insult I inflicted on her as far back as 2 years prior.


 

I think the construct of love is very broad and depends on how each individual perceives it. What is love? It is not baby, don't hurt me no more (sorry I couldn't resist :) )  In my opinion, there is not a right answer.  

BPD is a disorder that affects emotions and arrested development.  Factoring in the theory behind the disorder, does that mean that my pwBPD does not know how to love?   I love my pwBPD and I know that he loves me.  

I never thought of myself suffering as a result of the relationship.  For me, suffering is unhealthy.  Sure there are times, when I get annoyed and frustrated with his behavior. I guarantee that he feels the same way. For me, love does not equal suffering.

BPD is largely a disorder of emotional dysregulation with intense feelings of shame, self-loathing, anger, sadness, hurt, etc. My pwBPD has told me that he feels terrible when he hurts me.  At first I could not understand how he felt that way, since he avoids his feelings of shame through coping mechanisms. It is hard to see that as a non but, understanding the behavior of BPD helps.      

So, do they love the idea of being with us instead of true love? because they "fall in love" for us (idealizes) easy, with few meetings they want to be with us but just some bad weather in the relationship that they leave us.

This is just a point of view, sorry if I'm wrong, I'm still learning about it ...  

It is hard to generalize why a pwBPD "loves" us. Think of it this way, why does a non disordered person love? There is not a simple answer to that.  What I may view as love, Shakespeare might view it another way with his sonnets. I believe it has to do with what anyone, including pwBPD, feel what love is. It matters on what you feel.   

I don't know if they always leave because of bad weather.  I think sometimes they leave just for the excitement of it all (to get a new supply and to see how you'll react).  Oftentimes she would leave just to see if I would fight for the relationship (and if I didn't she would accuse me of breaking up with her).  I think sometimes they leave because they "just can't believe" how good things are going and how great of a partner you are.  A week before I was discarded mine said she couldn't believe she had a guy like me living with her and supporting her financially.  Sometimes they leave just because of some distorted obsession to appear like an abandoned victim.  During some of our breakups, I think there was a combination of some of these factors rapidly cycling through her head (even though some of these factors contradict themselves). 

Mine must have broken off our engagement like 20 times (with us typically getting re-engaged within as little as 3 minutes), in apparent attempts to test my love for her or maybe just to try to cajole me into doing something. 

Then ultimately there was a final discard.  God knows why -- probably because we got so close that her fears of being abandoned were just driving her absolutely crazy (she was basically having regular panic attacks over this), coupled with an excitement for new supply, and a desire to punish me for various ridiculous perceived slights; and also, her BPD mother was tired of sharing her daughter with me and wanted our engagement to fail so she could be her savior.