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I guess I am entering the phase where I am going to start to analyze everything.  The thing that suddenly popped up in my mind and that will keep me up tonight is something he wrote in his last text.  Two days after I dumped his a$$, he decided to dump me too . . .    He wrote, "I don't hate you, but it's over."

WHAT is that suppose to mean?  What I am reading into it is: "I never loved you so it's over." 

It's hard but sometimes we have to let go of the things that we can't understand or get an answer to. With BPD there are a lot of things that can't be answered. Even the person with BPD doesn't know.

I used to challenge my ex about her behaviour and actions that were cruel or uncaring and she would claim she didn't remember.  The scary thing is she probably didn't!

Mine use to deny they ever happened.  Use to tell me I have a rich imagination. 

I don't think your interpretation is correct. But what our fellow poster already stated you (we) can never understand the disorder. Try to understand this, though: He may had the best intentions; he could never return love the way you and I understand it - because he has a disorder. Don't take it personally, because there's nothing you could have done to change the outcome. It is just  the way it is. Now it's time to heal. Sorry to hear about your troubles with this person. We all here grieve an immense loss.

I hope you will find a nice person that can reciprocate your feelings in a healthy way.      

After I left my ex I got an email that explained in detail how she'd wished she'd been more 'self aware' and realized that it 'just wasn't there for her' early, then we would have had that 'difficult conversation'.  All of it was her trying to take control of the situation, saying she should have broken up with first, that way she wouldn't have gotten left; that mindset fits in well with the rest of her tools and borderline tools in general, the whole focus being fear, and hopefully avoidance, of abandonment, and if she leaves first she's not being abandoned.

There is a good chance that your ex doesn't even know what he means.  They often act on impulse, with no understanding of the impulses that drive their behavior.  That's part of the disorder.

It's hard not to have the answers, I know.  But even if you could sit him down and ask him, he might not even be able to give you the answers you need.

"I did things you might hate me for, but taking this stance will lay the blame on you for the relationship ending. Even though I'm saying in this message that I'm the one ending it." It's a post-emptive strike/defensive move.

My guess is it's just him trying to take control of the situation. It's probably easier for him to cope with it if he convinces himself it was his choice. This way he can avoid the rejection. He basically pulled a "You can't fire me! I quit!"

Thanks for the replies thus far.  I see some truth in them all.  He also said in that message that he is sorry for messing things up.  He didn't go into any detail, didn't mention anything specific.  Actually with him it has always annoyed me when he says that (sorry), because I sense a crazy dose of self-pity behind it and also an attempt at guilt tricking me. Things just got completely out of control due to a number of other people involved.  I think he is probably also a bit shell shocked by that and scared about the part he played in it all.

It means he normally hates someone when it reaches this stage of things but with you you are devalued to zero ( he could also be keeping recycle options open )

I think this is probably the most accurate interpretation so far. 

They also like to make up stuff to. When she was doing her final rage at me, she said all sorts of stuff. Stuff that was true, stuff that never reared its head the whole relationship, but is now an issue and stuff that I had no idea what so ever where it came from and kind of leftme standing there in silence wondering What the heck just happened... .

Yes, we can't overanalyze our ex's or we will go nuts. That said, we all try and figure out their craziness to make sense of our r/s. We loved these people. We put in time and gave our all,... .I think your ex is saying, I love you but it is over.

Here is my ex's example. "I have loved you for 8 years and I love you now, but it is over." They associate love with a need to pull away, never get too close as it is smothering, frightening and boring... .gotta go find someone new to be entertained.

His mind is so dominated by the fear of abandonment; and the ending of a relationship will be perceived as "abandonment", that he needs to *re-imagine* your relationship such that it is he who left/dumped/abandoned you and not you him.

In his mind, he needs to believe that it is he who abandoned you, and thus he has avoided abandonment.


The denial is borderline delusional (pun intended).  When that act our on their feelings (i.e., cruel and uncaring behavior) this is real.  But after the feelings pass, they cannot copy with the realities of the consequences of their actions (i.e., something must be wrong with me), so they *re-imagine* their reality.  This is why people here sometimes say for people with BPD: "feelings dictate their facts"