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One of the big areas of contention of my relationship with my uBPD wife is money - she hasn't worked in 10 years and basically has refused to help out financially.  I make a good salary but it is still a struggle at times and we are not saving.

She told me last September that the relationship was close to over because I was pressuring her to find work again.  At that time I opened an individual bank account to prepare for possible divorce.

Before our marriage, I inherited some mutual funds.  This is the time of year I would typically get a dividend check and deposit it into our joint account.  This year, that money will be going directly into my individual account.

My wife recently mentioned the dividend check and asking doesn't it usually show up around this time?  and I just said 'yes' and that was the end of it.  (I am very uncomfortable with conflict still).

Anyway, at some point I am either going to need to lie and tell her that I'm just having the dividends reinvested into the fund now, or I will need to tell her that I am setting aside the money separately to save money to buy a car for myself.

This is going to trigger huge fear of abandonment with her - she knows the relationship is on thin ice and she will see this as preparations for divorce.  This will also trigger big power struggles within the household and her behavior is going to be off the charts.

How can I best frame the situation to her?  Actually, maybe this is just my codependency talking - trying to outthink and predict her moods/behaviors instead of just being normal and protecting myself as necessary?

I don't know why but I'm still terrified at the silent treatment and weak when holding to my needs.

I've recently begun to make some similar decisions.  Tell her you are having the dividends reinvested.  Don't say where.  You are investing in yourself and your own emotional health. 

I have always tried to be open and honest with my wife, regardless of the fact that I am constantly accused of never telling her anything.  Once I began to contemplate leaving, it became necessary to create a section of my life that belongs just to me.  That includes this website, my e-books on dealing with BPD, and some emergency funds. 

BPD is an illness.  It sounds like it is about to destroy your marriage, as it may do to mine.  If you were told you had cancer and would die in 6 months, and you had no life insurance, and the only way you could prepare for your funeral was to secretly save the money and not tell your SO, you'd do it.  You're not stealing or hiding for the sake of keeping secrets; you're preparing for what her illness is about to do to your life. 

Good luck!

Sorry to hear Adventurer that you are in the stage of being devaluated even in the stage of being blackmailed  with ending the relationship. It is hard! Been there.

As for money and your future (alone or together) I think you must set clear boundaries.

If money is set aside, I don’t think it would be wise to tell her it is reinvested. In case of a break up your wife will remember (oh yeah, she will… be aware of that please)

Can’t you answer that there was no bonus/dividend due to the results? Or are might she find out via colleagues?

I also don’t think it is wise to tell her that you are saving for another car, even not a family car. Imagine the reaction as she will perceive it that it is YOU… Imagine a reaction like ‘What about me? I have rights too!’… (get it?).

Many others on the Staying Board could offer you help to deescalate matters

The other day there was a topic related to finances too, it could be of any help

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=644af59ad29f4acdabb8a0a08be0dc44&topic=232471.0;all