BPDFamily.com

I don't know if this is the correct forum as it mentions 'family'. Cluster B type.  Apparently I am somewhat sexually addicted to her. My opinion of her is pretty low otherwise. I think if I could find someone else I'd stop thinking about her. I am having trouble due to my age, illness (serious illness in the past which may be recurring and constant viral/bacterial throat infections), family trouble (controlling father with whom I live; mother recently died), possible depression, high standards of physical attractiveness (I am rejecting average looking women and then later thinking why did I not just go for it), lack of energy.

It's constant revenge and pain  on both sides. She is out of town for months at a time in a different country and sees others both here and there. Is married but only exploits him and sees him for a few months of the year (he pays for her expenses).

Constant lies, manipulations, push pull, lack of reliability, hypochondria, binge drinking, probably sex addiction, vulnerability to perceived abandonment (rage and revenge if I don't respond to her calls messages), constant jealousy games/flirting, attempts to exploit.

On my side, when I am angry I'll usually spank her as punishment or verbally put her down if she is away. She seems to want to be put in place and is sexually excited after being punished (typically leads to sex). I can't seem to react properly and defend myself from her in real time which leads to resentment and anger later. I appear to be too sensitive and easily hurt. I did not know about the PDs until she started acting out and crazy making about a year into our contact. First year was fairly normal with some immediate red flags causing me to be careful. We lived in the same town/country and spent a lot of time together. After we both moved and were separated for months at a time, trouble started.

I never really considered her for a relationship due to her many defects. I mostly think of her as an attractive ___ but the price is obviously too high.

Last contact was a few weeks ago when I blocked her everywhere and then sent a message listing all her defects, physical, mental etc.

I managed to keep her blocked for a week and then I unblocked. This blocking/unblocking happens constantly.

Hello reig and welcome 

I'm sorry you are conflicted and having a difficult time. What are you looking for from this site?

Hi reig,

Sounds like quite  astruggle you are going through. I'm sorry for you to be suffering on so many sides.

It seems you are engaging in a number of things you do not really want to be doing. Do you suffer from compulsions?

Like NorthernGirl I'm thinking if you could clarify what it is you want and specifically how you came to be at this site, we might be able to point you in the right direction for support

Ziggiddy

If possible I'd like to improve the situation between us. I'd like to be less reactive and not care about her attacks/manipulations i.e. if possible somehow change my behavior. I don't know if that's possible now or if it's too late. It's as if I am constantly attempting to find strategies and tactics to defend myself but eventually I just react emotionally in anger. I am already under stress from other situations. I would like to be less irritable and not respond with anger to her classic manipulations of first giving then withdrawing what I want.

As I guess is typical she initially was submissive to me and allowed me to control her, then attempted to be more and more controlling. It's as if it's all about winning.

Since  I am probably addicted to her in a sense, I would like to not be addicted. Mostly I've been trying to do things that I found on various sites about dealing with HPD/BPD and cluster B types. Some of these things include giving no attention or ignoring her/being cold (including leaving without saying anything) when she is throwing a tantrum, not being passive, setting strong boundaries, etc

here is an example of advice I've seen; this appears to be going down to their level though

- break up with them frequently, letting them know they are on a short leash... .they better behave!

- let them know they are not what you are looking for, don't let them think they are your dream partner... .no "future" statements, limit compliments, praise others instead... .

- like said above, don't answer your phone or be unavailable for a day or two, it will drive them crazy! they will think its all over and panic... .

- make them do things for you, don't give them too much, even if you want to, they will use it and lose respect for you.

- allow yourself to be in a bad mood, or pissed, and have them entertain you... .they are very good at that :)

Mostly till recently I thought of her as having HPD, then recently HPD was removed from DSM and in other texts I noticed HPD being described as part of broader BPD. She is not diagnosed and I never specifically told he about PDs but I did tell her she is mentally ill. In the beginning I thought she was bipolar. She is very interested in constant attention but also exploits men like a typical Eastern European sponsored girl who is attractive but grew up poor (wants gifts, support, to be taken shopping by multiple sponsors). I somehow managed to avoid being a sponsor.

Hi reig

Sounds like quite a situation.

the advice you have been given concerns me though!

Are these actions liable to produce the effect that you want? Which I assume is two adults in some kind of emotionally stable environment (as much as is possible)

Do you feel she will respond in the most positive ways to these things?

That's just an example of advice I've seen. I don't necessarily think it's correct or useful;  It's hard for me to tell; it's possible that I'll lose (not that I necessarily want to win) whatever I do. Actions like that could maybe produce some kind of respect by indicating to her that the victim is not hooked. I think having her do things for me is correct as otherwise she would attempt to exploit me. I have over time reduced what I do for her and she may view this as a loss on some level. I don't provide any alcohol to her. I have her pay for all drinks and all expenses during outings to clubs and such. She gives me all the money she has when we go out so that I can control her drinking. I also take keys to the apartment. She often wants to go out if we are staying together and I leave her for a few hours. The modus operandi here is that she uses that as an excuse to hurt me (he left to have sex with someone so now I'll go out and flirt in front of him or go have sex with someone else and let him know I did it)

It appears, as is typical, that she is constantly testing me for dominance, masculinity and inventing new ways to push/move my boundaries. This is stressful for me as there is no break and I can't relax with her.

I have not been able to produce the effect I want with anything so far... . she manages to upset/hurt me.

She seems incapable of helping me naturally when I am in a bad mood because she is too self centered and has no caring instinct to help. She wants constant attention/help which is draining.

I think the most positive responses would occur if I could somehow be less reactive and not respond to her attacks, manipulations etc. this would probably best achieved by seeing other women but this has been hard for me; she may sense this on some level (dependence?). I should probably also reduce my expectations and not expect her to help me. The only thing she really has to offer is sex without emotion/attachment and that's probably all I should expect from her on an occasional basis. This is hard for me to do as something consistent would be easier to me.

I am unfortunately stressed for other reasons also  so I am more likely to be irritated.

I used to send her romantic messages and be positive, drive her around (as she had no car in a city where one is very useful) do things for her, even provide inexpensive alcohol for her (from stores).  Now I am mostly negative, irritated, critical and I call her a worthless w$ore. She now has more money and resources than I do so I expect her to pay for things and do things for me. This may have caused some resentment and she may view it as a loss or think that I am exploiting her; she does however have plenty of others who spend on her and pay for everything.

I think her words are mostly meaningless and mostly meant to manipulate, guilt trip (I only watch for her actions) but she has said some of these (after the first year): You treat me as an object. You are like all the others. You (plural) are all the same. In the beginning I joked that we would move to an exotic location where she would work and I would take care of the children. She had recently seriously asked me how I would take care of children. This was somewhat amusing as I would recommend to her not to have children for their sake.

Which advice do you think is useful? I definitely would prefer stability over chaos... .This however may not be what she wants; she'd probably be bored and would be aware of the emptiness that she is trying to escape... .

What do you mean by compulsions exactly.

When I did the test on this site, the highest 2 were AS 63% and histrionic 63% which is funny. I sometimes think I may have N traits inherited from my father (mother hugely dependent). I sometimes think I also have some anxiety about abandonment. I am not sure about any of these and I was never diagnosed with any of it.

Hi reig,

This does sound like a lot to be dealing with! I am wondering what you have done in pursuit of  helping yourself? I noticed that you thought you might be NPD and that you might have abandonment issues. Have you talked with a professional to help you sort this out? Have you read any of the articles at the top of this board?

Wishing you all the best!  :)

You don't sound emotionally unattached, you sound really frustrated with your emotional attachment, and the emotional games she plays.

I do agree that she sounds unlikely to provide a stable relationship with a deep emotional connection.


Well, I have to say that you CAN change your behavior, and be less reactive. It isn't easy though.

I've found that the best thing I can do to reduce my reactivity to provocative behavior is to leave before it gets to me. It is a long process--If I leave before I have gotten terribly upset, I gradually increase my patience, tolerance, and become less reactive.

I'd add that the "advice" you've found elsewhere isn't something I would expect to bring about good results in a relationship either. Perhaps my relationship goals are very different from the people who gave that advice.

I've been leaving too but it's tricky due to the abandonment issues. It's impossible to leave normally without trouble later. As is typical she wants complete control of contact and will make it unpleasant to leave.

What is your preferred method. Leave and say nothing/ignore e.g. she is throwing a tantrum. This may have the positive effect where she is behaving for a day or so.

Attempt to leave calmly because you have to do something (she'll invariably use this to attack later saying that I had sex with someone when I left; it's really an excuse so she can justify being more promiscuous).

Did you manage to leave somehow without all the BS occuring later.

My circumstances generally involve err... .a bit lower drama level than yours these days... .however, the principles are the same:

If she is dysregulated, like she's raging or stuck in a circular argument, or blaming you for everything... .there is NOTHING you can do that will consistently talk her down.

When she's half-way there, if you are really calm and centered, and really use the tools properly, you might be able to defuse a full-on dysregulation some of the time.

You have to accept that she is upset, and may well do impulsive and destructive things, either while you are there, or right after you leave. If she's harming herself or suicidal, you should involve professionals... .dealing with that is kinda above your pay grade!

However what you describe... .there's not much you can do to stop it.

My first rule is to leave before I'm so upset that I will start yelling back at her and really fueling the fire and further blowing up the relationship. I try to watch my own anxiety/fear/anger/hurt and make sure I get out while I can still make a controlled exit!

I've been known to go out the door trying not to shout or slam it with the words "I'm going away because I'll say or do something I'll regret later if I stay."

If I catch myself BEFORE I'm that worked up, I can be gentler and more productive.

One thing you can do to ease the fear of abandonment is to leave with a clear statement of when you will return, and perhaps a vague statement of where you are going. For example, "I'm going to go walk around the block. I'll be back in 20 minutes."

Knowing that you will be returning eases the fear of abandonment. Some tips here:

1. Use a specific time period, 20 minutes, 2 hours, after work tomorrow, etc... Don't say "soon" or "later" because you and she may have different ideas what soon mean.

2. HONOR that specific time if you give it. If you return and nothing is better, or things are getting worse, you can leave again. I'd recommend leaving for a longer time period the second time.

You said you would return. You didn't say you would come back and be an emotional punching bag.

3. Don't say anything about returning when "she calms down" and preferably not even when "the situation calms down" or "she's not so angry" or anything about her. If you need to refer to anything of the sort, say you will return when YOU calm down. (And by the time you need to get out of there, you probably are anything but calm anyways, so it will be true!)

Shifting to a fight where she's shouting at you that she is calm, or isn't angry wont' help anything! It is much harder for her to say "You are too calm!"


And lastly... .there my well be troubles later. This is likely try whether you stay or whether you leave. You are going away to protect yourself from the immediate problem, nothing more, nothing less.