BPDFamily.com

My partner is undiagnosed, but after finding this site a few years ago, it was a lifesaver and I feel she has BPD.  She lost it at a restaurant last night and the raging didn't stop until 5am.  I feel crushed and totally at fault and worthless.  It is difficult to type this.  I feel ashamed.  I am a survivor of past abuse myself, and I feel triggered.  I am shaking.  It is a struggle to remain composed.  I have had lots of therapy in the past, but I need some help and acknowledgement to help me remember my tools and recover some self esteem.  Please let me know I am not alone... .

Hi audiogirl   You're not alone

Here's a quickie tool in reframing what took place: How about, I "survived" a huge outburst and am processing what transpired...

Want to tell us what happened?  When you're ready, we're here.

Oh God, she asked me if I would agree to demonstrate a spriritual drumming class I lead, after s seminar she plans to hold in a couple of weeks.  I felt uncomfortable about it, and expressed that perhaps clumsily by saying I didn't want to seem like I was recruiting at her event.  She went off, saying I deeply hurt her by accusing her of going after people for their money.  She raged at me all the way home while I drove, and demanded to get out of the car a mile from the house.  I let her out and waited right there, and she came back and let me drive her home.  It was then a nonstop of everything I have ever done to hurt her over the last few years, repeated over and over and over.  I feel emotionally beaten to a pulp.  I am reviewing the Safety First link, and evaluating if I need a safe space.

 

*welcome*

No, you're not alone.    

We've been there too.    

Remember to breathe... .slow, deep breathes... .remind yourself you're okay now... .

Aw wow, sorry you endured all that   So, you live together?  What was it like this morning when you saw each other, if you did?

Like Crumbling suggested, deep breaths... . 

Would you feel more comfortable sleeping somewhere else tonight?

Yes, we share a house.  I thought she had calmed down last night.  She said she was having a nervous breakdown.  She woke up today and was angry, but not yelling.  She left for her office and I am alone.  I don't know if I can take another night of yelling and swearing and being blamed for everything.  I love B very much, but it feels like it's over and it's all my fault, and I am a horrible person.

I am texting a friend now.

Luv, being yelled at does NOT make you a horrible person.  Being yelled at is NOT your fault.

You disagreed about something.  Normal people can take this.  This isn't your fault.

 

Thank you... .I know I'm not perfect... .clutter in the house is a challenge for me... .I'm shy about sexual intimacy... .naybe I need help like she says.  After hours and hours she asked me no to abandon her.  She got sick and almost threw up.  I feel sick now.  A fews years back this site helped me see that she has cycles and I need to be strong in myself.  I need to review all the new stuff here once I get myself together.  I can't believe I'm thinking about finding a place to stay, because I might be being verbally abused.  I feel like a total failure.

We all have our issues, but nothing you do gives her the right to verbally attack you, about anything.   

I know you feel like you've failed, but at what?  Taking it?  You shouldn't have to.  At the relationship?  That takes two people, you can't fail at a relationship alone.

 

Think about you.  Think about what's important to you.  And keep sharing.   

Thank you both for listening.  I left the house and came to work, where I am alone and in a quiet place.  I just talked to my friend, and she was very supportive.  I feel calmer, but I have some dread about returning home.  I'm thinking through some scenarios, and plan to request that we postpone discussion for a day should she start in again.  If it gets bad, I may decide to leave for the night.  I need to not be shattered again.

|iiii  Sounds like an excellent plan!  While, protecting yourself, her and the relationship from further harm.  I like your thinking :)

   

Good plan!  Stay safe. 

I got home and she had gone to bed early.  I joined her and was accepted, and we had a nice night.  Today has gone well, hanging out together and helping her with setting up her office.  The moment seems to have passed.  Time now for me to stay gentile with myself and to dig into the new (to me) resources here.  DBT looks really great for me to learn, as well as the information about validation etc.  Thank you both again for being here for me yesterday!

 |iiii You just learned one of the best lessons... .

If you get out of the way, a dysregulation will blow over eventually. By going away, you prevent harm to yourself, and your relationship.

You can do good things for your relationship after.

I'm really glad to hear you had a peaceful night!