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Does anyone else have experience with a partner who delivers a lot of verbal criticism but in a seemingly sweet way... .making a joke of things but always including a core message that you are doing or thinking or being something wrong. My gf does this a lot... .every day includes some hurtful remark that is belittling in some way but it is generally done in seeming humour or more directly when she is deregulated. I have asserted boundaries and am generally trying to address it more to raise her awareness of the impact on me but it is quite painful and debilitating to me and the quality of our rs.

Yes completely.

I also get insults about things that aren't in my control.  An example the school district I work for has had issues with the superintendent(s).  My uBPDbf will make comments about it, like I have some decision or control over it.

I think by insulting us it makes them feel better in some way.

Yep. My dBPDh is really good at making cutting remarks in a sweet or sarcastic way that he says are just jokes if I remark on it. For the most part I just ignore them. He always has to feel smarter or superior to others around him, so it's his way of boosting himself up.

Would you mind telling us how you're asserting your boundaries?  

I realize we're all different, so what works for me might not work for you. I'd walk away each and every time something unsettling was stated, "I'm not listening to this, I won't be spoken to that way".  If it's painful, don't stick around for the poke.  If you're not in the vicinity, she'll have to learn to do something else with her feelings instead of poke you with them.

First, we have to believe that we're worthy of better treatment and can and will take care of ourselves |iiii

IMO... .not a good plan... or thought process.

A better process:  She is most likely doing this to get some "reaction" from you.  Who knows what it is?  She may like saying... "oh it was only a joke... "... .or she may like to lecture you that you are "too sensitive... "  who knows.

If it bugs you... you have to be consistent in holding the boundary.

So... .odd joke... .evenly say your canned statement about not being talked to that way... .and exit.

Later... express to her how hurtful or emotionally damaging the comments are.  That you value yourself and will not be exposed to that.  Don't direct this at her... .state it as a life decision for you.  Something you won't tolerate from anyone.

State it clearly... don't debate... .don't justify... .

Wait, what?  I want to be let in on the odd joke

If they make an odd joke... .as an insult.

Or should have said... .they make an insult... .veiled as an odd joke... or whatever.

They will test you across the board plays like this are often opening gambits do not give a n inch ask her to repeat what she said and if she really meant it this will effectively make her retract or defend her statement if she says "it was only a joke " you reply so you didn't mean it do not let it stand

It is part of the devaluation process she doesn't believe anyone good could love her so she starts to bring you down an make her opinion true this can go on for years them constantly trying to prove you are a bad person for loving them ( because they are so bad ) and it also gives them a reason to leave you in the end this is almost inevitable but they will have either brought you down an degraded you with abuse the more you take the quicker they will likely leave because the qiuicker they will devalue you or they will keep on trying till they get bored an walk away ( this may take a long time they dont like "loosing " ) or you do. the second way you will still have your self respect and dignity intact and your recovery will be quicker

Thank you for the replies here. The way I've been trying to respond to this is either walking away, verbally making an issue of it straight away I.e. what did you say?,  or statements like I don't agree etc. I don't try to justify too often although I do slip into it sometimes.

To what I agree, I say I agree. Like "You are right, I am fat, I am working on it" (when it still was the case)

To what I disagree, I disagree: "You are mistaken, I am not trying to destroy your life"

To what I do not understand I ask for specific examples: "How exactly do you want me to stop being stubborn? Could you give me the specific example that proves that I am stubborn and explain how I should change my responses?"

Most importantly, I try not to counter-attack : "You are a liar!", not to bristle : "Okay, I am fat, so I don't want to talk to you", not to defend: "But I am not stubborn at all!" etc.

In general, in response to lies, I am trying to use softer expressions: "you are faking", "you are pretending", "you must be mistaken", "I am confused" etc. - and I am not afraid to believe a lie or two, if it does not mean immediate drastic consequences ("yesterday you told you lost thousand euros, could you elaborate on it, because I am trying to calculate our budget... .oh, you were playing? okay, better so"

 

I am a fan of "help me understand... .xyz

Help me understand has been helping me the past few days. When I agree with something, I do tell him "You are right, blahblahblah", When I disagree, I tend to say nothing at all, or say something like "I see how you think that" or "That's one way of looking at it"

 

To possibly help with black and white thinking... .instead of saying he is right... .

"That is a wise way of looking at it... ."

What I think you want to do is reinforce good patterns of thinking... .

I"m right... .is not a good pattern... .because of it's close connection to you are wrong.

I might be making a bit of too fine a point... .

Nothing wrong with occasionally saying you are right... .and occasionally saying you are wrong. 

In fact... .when those things are infrequent... .I think it makes them more powerful.

Just a thought... .

I get what you are saying. I tell him he's right only when I believe he is right. Otherwise, it's more like... ."awesome! cool idea!"

 

And... .even when you think he is right... don't feed the right/wrong thing... .say wise... .good thought process.

Only occasionally use the word "right".

*nods* oo ok! That makes sense! Have you seen improvements with this method?

 

Maybe... .it's not a primary focus... .just something I try to express.