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Is it that they just can't handle being with someone who is capable of a healthy, loving, relationship? Is it that the love they might have for the non, is just consumed by fear to the point that they disconnect from anything that feels too real?

That deepest part of my ex where she felt true love for me was also a place of great pain fear and insecurities it was highly unstable and triggering of the disorder. That place the deep love in them exists is across that border and into their inner chaos. It simply is not sustainable for them without them learning to create that space internally for themselves.

Mine recognises the damage she has done and desperately wants to change how she treats our children.  She wants to love them unconditionally,  but somehow they trigger that fear again, and 10 minutes later she's shouting at them.

Of course romantic love is a other mountain to climb.  But perhaps if I can help her change her behaviour towards the children,  she'll eventually change her behaviour towards me.

this may reflect to some extent how there thought process works ( it is quite logical ) But its complicated first they have to pick a "target " this will be dictaed by availability , vunerability and malability and of course the current state of there relationship /s ( some will also weight the finacial resources available ) once they have done this and decided they will fall in love with you they start binding to you them as best they can there is quite a list in this arsenal ( ideation , mirroring sex etc etc ) Once they are reasonable happy you are firmly " bound " they will reasses the situation they will question how anyone could like /love anyone as awful as themselves and begin to question weather you were a "good idea " in the first place an the cracks will start to appear ( this will not concern them so much since by now to some extent you are a given ) but of course they will jump back to the pumps big time if you look you might bail ) They will also start looking for potential new partners if as they have feared all along you don't live up to expectations durring this stage they will begin to probe you for all manners of weakness's vunerabilities a too prove that you are a "bad " person and hence justify there leaving b To possibly use against you ( some reasons for this to punish you for "failing" to protect themselves against you they are scared what you might do when they abandon you ( they know what they would do!) this will also help them when they start bad mouthing you to people as they seek to gain sympathy for there upcoming departure

the thought process goes on but this is probably a common line 

Forgot this thought process from step 1 is largely driven by avoiding / fear of potenial abandoment and engulfment issues and how to prevent it

Yes. Overwhelming fear of abandonment.

But once they get commitment from you, then the closeness becomes emotionally overwhelmeing and they take that pain out on you, and then look for another potential attachment. Often whilst they are still in the r/s with you.

It is a horrible oxymoron. They want attachment but can't handle emotional closeness, which is why they are often attracted to narciscists who don't have that.

Long distance relationships or one-night stands / 'friends with benefits' work well for them - they can stay in constant contact throught text or instant messaging, and have the occasional catchup, without having too much closeness.

I agree almost 100% with you. Although I think that long distance and friends with benefits don't work for them for more than a couple of months, becuase when they want you- they want ALL of you. When only when they get ALL of you then they feel this fear of engulfemnt.

Im not sure yet of the exact thought process, but I suspect they have a deeply ingrained "love ends in pain" association. Love is the thing that they crave and fear the most.

Ultimately, as fascinating trying to understand them can be, we all end up disappointed because they are hermetic and it's almost impossible to arrive to logical conclusions.