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Wow where to begin... .first off thank you for taking time to read my post. 

It all started 2 years ago as just a casual hang out with friends getting drinks at a local lounge. 

A Friend of mine brought his coworker with him she immediately caught my eye, that night would drastically change my life. 

I remember being very drawn to her in the beginning and her aura was very addictive, I always wanted more.  I quickly found out she has 2 kids of her own and to be honest i was not, nor planning to get serious with her at all.  She's very attractive but not in a good way I should of known it was more lust I was experiencing then genuine attraction, nonetheless I ignored.  I'm not bad looking myself and usually get compliments frequently but my confidence was always low with very few occasions of it spiking. 

Things started out slow... .we actually lived an hour apart and all it took was two dates I was hooked and so was she.  For the first few months things were very casual being that she didn't want to bring me around her boys so soon I would only see her on every other weekend.  I remember being so excited driving up to her house I miss those feelings.  The sex started out after few weeks... .never once did I use a condom (red flag) she was on birth control big leap of faith on my part or actually stupidy.  She was honest though about she had kids and just got out of an abusive relatiknship with their father... .maybe this triggered my rescue tendencies.

After a few more months, more dates, and pillow talk, she started asking what were we and in a way to this day I blame myself... .she wanted commitment but 2 kids was baggage for my 27 year old self and everything was great how things were... .I would always reply "we're close" I enjoyed her company a lot and she would drive down to my place on occasion as well... .first 6 months was this dynamic, slowly being brought around her boys in the later months. 

It was New Years that I should of recognized her personality... .went out with friends and she got very drunk to the point I had to hold her up, being I've only dated her for a few months and she's literally borderline blacked out is odd, I just tossed it up as she drank too much. 

Looking back a lot of our fights or issues stemmed from going out, be it bars, clubs, anything involved with nightlife and alcohol.  I was in nirvana everything was great, then one night we got in an argument that she wanted me to drive her gf home being she was too drunk I was more concerned on how she was gonna drive so I refused. We got back to her place and fight continued up until she kicked me out I was shocked, her rage surfaced I never experienced it before I was full of emotions I left to my car I was too drunk to drive so I just sat there... .she came outside some time later and asked me to come back in make up sex was great.

Still pushing for commitment and i start to give in, 7-8 months in more involved with her and be boys together, started to get xlose wih them.  My friends warned me not to get close and always disliked her I hated it.  I saw her differently then they did, only opinion they had was from drunk nights out not her loving side at home. I noticed she started to pull back and somewhat distanced herself around 9 months stating I wasn't moving fast enough with commitment to her. 

This triggered abandonment with me and I started to feel uncomfortable because she was almost acting like a couple with me yet still partying with friends and drinking. 

First breakup: I remember this night vividly... .took her out to dinner fancy dinner but whole night noticed a coldness to her it was odd.  Came back to her place (I usually slept over) without her saying anything I could tell she wanted me to leave.  Her reason was she was tired and had work early, I became annoyed about this dinner was very expensive and I couldn't sleep over? I left but stayed in my car and sure enough not even five mins later a car shows up I never saw anyone get out or who it was my view was blocked but I figured it was a guy coming over I felt used... .few days later I broke up with her. 

We go month in a half and she starts sending I miss you, hey, how are you texts... .I bite and take the bait.  This time around she confesses to me that she loves me dearly, values what we have and that she should of realized what she had.  I remember meeting up for drinks first time in month she says all this to me and then go to her car talk more then have sex.  It all happenes fast and my emotions were all over the place. My friends still insisted I shouldnt get involved. 

That mystery car still was in back of my mind and started to fuel insecurities to extreme lengths, when she went out I was a nervous wreck or when she didn't return phone calls right away yet I didn't ask her about this night.  At this point I become extremely close to the kids and her.  She had to move in with her mom due to rent too high, parents are divorced (another red flag) she would always say things like I wish we didn't break up and we never cheated on each other so I don't know what happen.  Lowered my guard down, whether it was truth or a lie I'll never know.  Few months go by and she starts doing her push/pull again I play along.  Whole time we are looking for an apartment, I think I entertained the idea but was more going along with it not fully into the idea... .PART 1

Hi Nn877,

*welcome*

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's frustrating and confusing when a loved one pushes us away and then tries to pull us close. You feel like you are walking on eggshells not know what action will set off a borderline rage. It's not fun.

I can relate ignoring the red flags in the beginning of the r/s partly due to low self-esteem and she made me feel good. It felt exciting.

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members here share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support.

Welcome to the family 

--Mutt

What's the story with the father of her kids?   

PART 2... .

well things continued and I became more unsure and insecurities weren't heighten from the car showing up at her apt incident yet I wanted to believe her... .we would frequent go on dates in and sometimes spend the night in SF, we live close by.  I asked her about it during one of these nights horrible timing I know and she denied it all together. 

Fast forward few weeks she went out and so did I but she got really drunk and found pictures on social media of her antics I was very pissed and we got in a huge argument that she tried to blame shift I had double standards and what not... .next day we get approved for the apt.  Her mood quickly changed the next day.  I was very hesitant but still loved her. 

Agreed and process started rolling, it wasn't until day before we were suppose to get the keys I just couldn't do it anymore, her push and pull and my growing insecurity got the best of me... .I canceled the lease. 

Breakup #2... .she was furious and told me off over the phone what was really weird was I was cold extremely cold in my response and basically numb to her.  I never heard anything but bad things about her sons father she framed him out to be the most high functioning narcissist there is.  Reason for their split was he cheated on her during her youngest pregnancy.  Then again I only heard her side of the story. She said I was just like him. 

She broke up with me on the spot I was done for the time being as well just fed up. Quickly found out she started getting closer with a coworker of hers intimate I do not know but they went on dates and hung out during the time we weren't together. 

3 months goes by and she shows up at my job I couldn't believe it.  Heart was racing. We picked up where we left off and now she clearly has made her frustrations known. 6 months later she still holds on to the canceling of the lease changed her and blames me for everything. She fails to see her push/pull and rages that led me to that. 

We broke up over an arguement nye and she blocked me from phone calls, social media you name it.  I reached out a week later via email and she said she needs personal growth by herself and that I opened old scars she had.  This is where I'm at today.