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The goal posts keep changing. We fight so often and so often I am told it was because I did this or that and every time I recall what I have been told and how I have failed the previous time and learn from my 'mistakes' and use those techniques the next time only to be thwarted and told I could have done this or that. Something new. I am always at fault regardless of whether I do the things I feel I am supposed to or the things I have learned or even the things I want to. I don't know what to do anymore.

Today she woke up in a bad mood for no apparent reason. Apparently I didn't pay here enough attention or acted weirdly. I wasn't sure what I did but instead of arguing or invalidation I said I was sorry and that I apologise for making her feel bad. She says it is fine and just to forget it but continues to sulk and be in a mood. She starts lecturing me about how the day is ruined and how I had no plans for our day and how she doesn't care and that her day was horrible. It really wasn't that bad. Nothing happened. We had no plans but easily could have done anything (I suggested going for coffee, breakfast or lunch) but she didn't want to. I continue to apologise. I don't withdraw and attempt to approach her about what is wrong or what I can do to help or what we can do to improve the situation and she repeatedly says that the day is ruined and there is nothing we can do. This happens most every time we have a day off.

What can I do? I am living a life of pain and anguish and confusion. Every day is a challenge for no reason and I am terrified to upset her or put her in a state for fear of physical and mental abuse.

It is still going. I just tried to write what happened and how the fight came about and realised it is all ridiculous. I am tiring. I am tired. How long will this go on? Do I expect to live like this for the rest of my life? I can't do it anymore. It is really getting to breaking point. She won't get help. She won't partake in any self improvement and continually asks more and more of me each time. My apologies fall on deaf ears (and it is all I seem to do just apologise all the time).

Hi Matilda,

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.    Arguing with a pwBPD can be almost like banging your head against a brick wall.  Basically, you have to stop making things worse before they get better. There are many tools on this site that can help you during stressful conversations.  Have you had a chance to read up on the communication tools?   Here is an article to help you get started.  Arguing - don't engage (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0)

I understand how frustrating it is to walk on eggshells and to be tired of your pwBPD's lack of responsibility. I apologized for my pwBPD's behavior all the time.  It was a cycle of him doing something that upset me but, I would apologize for his behavior. Eventually, I became tired and frustrated.  I decided that I needed to worry about myself first.  It was almost a foreign concept when I started focusing on my own needs more.  Having a support network of friends, family, and my therapist really helped me when I was at a breaking point.  Do you have a support network? 

Matilda19, your pain is real and I am very sorry you are going through such turmoil and conflict. I have been a 3+ year relationship with a dBPDso and it has always been ALL my fault. Your analogy of the goal post keep moving is similar to me comparing mine to always having an amendment to the agreement of understanding. I never know exactly where I stand. You are in a great place for encouragement and understanding.

I want to say just a couple words of encouragement. First, realize you did not cause or create this situation. Secondly, decide what you're getting out of the relationship. Thirdly, please read the book; "stop Walking on eggshells". I truly think that the concepts and presentations in this book will help you more than anything I could say.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and don't give up hope and know your are not alone.