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Title: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: confused1730 on January 12, 2015, 06:12:02 AM I have been wondering about a BPD feels if you have challenged and found them out. Have been split nearly 3 months having been split blacker than black and any contact has not been positive but I have not responded since her sending a ridiculous attention seeking text when we were driving down the same road -"please refrain from driving dangerously to get my attention etc!
The thing I would be interested in is that having read so many of the posts on here it seems a common theme is the recycle or re-engagement when they decide to split the non white. It seems having read things on here that can take some time but it seems to happen more times than not, or so the posts say. My ex girlfriend was challenged by me after the split in a long winded text argument - she had been nasty, personal and vitriolic. I responded (stupidly I guess) by confronting her by saying her behaviour was not normal I talked about BPD etc and her reaction was simply projection and even more Nasty saying I was mentally ill etc. My question is around the confronting and challenging her - I guess that splits me even more black or is there part of her that will see me different to the other ex's in that I am the only one that has challenged her on her behaviour - does that make her vulnerable - in other words , there is no point in any future recycle with him because he has rumbled me and found me out? Any views appreciated Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Alberto on January 12, 2015, 06:25:20 AM PwBPD need people to soothe and to feel whole, they recycle when they can use you to feel better, and I don't think it's your case anymore. Of course, they are basically unpredictable and it can happen, but it depends on the amount of supply she has
Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: confused1730 on January 12, 2015, 06:30:51 AM Thanks - what do you mean by "not your case anymore"?
Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: antelope on January 12, 2015, 06:54:33 AM my relationship ended with me: calling her a compulsive liar, a hypocrite, and a parasite, right after I had shown her print-outs of her phone bills over the course of about 9 months, as well as having had contact with the guys she was phucking behind my back... .
needless to say, this confrontation annihilated her... . whenever I see her, the reaction is the same: she turns her head the other way, looks down and away, uses her hand to cover up her face, which is bright red and lightly soaked with a film of sweat... . that all being said... .I have no doubt, someday, soon, later, in the constant chaos that is her life, she will contact me Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: maxen on January 12, 2015, 07:12:27 AM I have been wondering about a BPD feels if you have challenged and found them out. "finding them out" suggests that they know that they have a personality disorder, or at least know their own patterns. but most (i'd say) don't think they're disordered, and many don't think their patterns are disordered. they think that's how love/a relationship is supposed to be. my wife, for example, after blindsiding me to start, said "i don't forget, i don't forgive, and maybe that's just the way i am," as if these were perfectly acceptable options among the range of human actions and emotions. she displayed some behaviors, but not many, that show that she's at least aware of what she did. some of these were projections. she's not aware they're projections. it's a disorder. you wonder about a recycle attempt on her part. if she did, how would you respond? Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: hergestridge on January 12, 2015, 07:24:37 AM It was a deal breaker for her. Admitting BPD meant everything became "her fault". And that was true. She had held so many people responsible for so many things, and now things pointed in her own direction. She had cast so much blame herself, it was bound to backfire.
The day her therapist mentioned her diagnosis to her, she broke up with me. We had discussed it before, and she had said "she knew she had it" (BPD that is). But the day after she just pretended like nothing, like the conversation had never happened. She was diagnosed bipolar, but only after having lied her doctors full to fit the description after having read about it on the internet. That is still what she tells her friends, although the diagnosis has been revised. When we were still together, every doctor or therapist that she met that started to ask questions that hinted in the direction of BPD symtoms... .she became furious. I remember the first time I started to seriously suspect myself - a real lightbulb moment. We had a minor fight one beautiful summer's eve and the discussion sort of ended with me telling her to please seek help to control her temper and not get at my throat every time she feels uneasy about something. She felt she needed to get in touch with someone at a hospital quickly because she felt "it wasn't working out". The very next day we went to psych ER, and the doctor there got it - right away! She reflected that my wife seemed confrontational and clingy. She didn't use those words, but that's what she meant. I felt totally validated. She said that it the situation didn't sound very healthy, that I took care of our daughter while my wife was constantly kicking up fights with me and expected me to take her to hospital when she broke down afterwards. She saw my wife's illness in a context, which was a whole new perspective to me. That was very helpful to me. Afterwards we had many long discussions about what had happened. She kept asking "Is she really allowed to say things like that? That was not very helpful!" and I kept asking back "But is it true, the things she said?". That just shows how different our perspectives are. In their world, the blame game is king. There is nothing more important. The truth is a sidenote. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: hergestridge on January 12, 2015, 07:31:46 AM I have been wondering about a BPD feels if you have challenged and found them out. "finding them out" suggests that they know that they have a personality disorder, or at least know their own patterns. but most (i'd say) don't think they're disordered, and many don't think their patterns are disordered. I find this to be very weird, because on one hand my wife knew nothing about BPD. When I talked to her about it she basically didn't know what it was. But then there was "it" that we couldn't discuss. She knew she didn't fill up criteria for bipolar disorder but she pretended, because she knew that there was really a problem with "her". She knew that there was a problem that was not really an illness, not a temporary thing. She knew that she was different, wrong inside, non-functional from an early age. I would say that most people just don't realize that problems like these do in fact classify as illness if they are severe enough. My wife once reasoned that there is no point diagnosing or even admitting to a thing like BPD if there is no easily accessible cure. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Alberto on January 12, 2015, 07:37:21 AM Thanks - what do you mean by "not your case anymore"? Well she knows you know something is not right with her so a new attachment would be safer. Plus the narcissistic in her probably hates you for questioning her integrity. If it was a clean break up you would definitely be recycled at some point, It's about the depth of the wounds you've inflicted. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infared on January 12, 2015, 08:11:05 AM It was a deal breaker for her. Admitting BPD meant everything became "her fault". And that was true. She had held so many people responsible for so many things, and now things pointed in her own direction. She had cast so much blame herself, it was bound to backfire. The day her therapist mentioned her diagnosis to her, she broke up with me. We had discussed it before, and she had said "she knew she had it" (BPD that is). But the day after she just pretended like nothing, like the conversation had never happened. She was diagnosed bipolar, but only after having lied her doctors full to fit the description after having read about it on the internet. That is still what she tells her friends, although the diagnosis has been revised. When we were still together, every doctor or therapist that she met that started to ask questions that hinted in the direction of BPD symtoms... .she became furious. I remember the first time I started to seriously suspect myself - a real lightbulb moment. We had a minor fight one beautiful summer's eve and the discussion sort of ended with me telling her to please seek help to control her temper and not get at my throat every time she feels uneasy about something. She felt she needed to get in touch with someone at a hospital quickly because she felt "it wasn't working out". The very next day we went to psych ER, and the doctor there got it - right away! She reflected that my wife seemed confrontational and clingy. She didn't use those words, but that's what she meant. I felt totally validated. She said that it the situation didn't sound very healthy, that I took care of our daughter while my wife was constantly kicking up fights with me and expected me to take her to hospital when she broke down afterwards. She saw my wife's illness in a context, which was a whole new perspective to me. That was very helpful to me. Afterwards we had many long discussions about what had happened. She kept asking "Is she really allowed to say things like that? That was not very helpful!" and I kept asking back "But is it true, the things she said?". That just shows how different our perspectives are. In their world, the blame game is king. There is nothing more important. The truth is a sidenote. I agree... .For them the truth is a side note and at most something to be avoided. All we can do though is move away from this insanity and try to save ourselves. Mine ran off with someone abruptly. Of course everything was my fault... .I begged her to get some help. She did and then invited me to a "closure" session. Huge mistake on my part. I walked into an ambush, LOL? I can laugh about it now... .but it was so upsetting at the time. Devastating actually. She had told lie after lie to the therapist about her cheating, about me... .about every thing. I went in there innocently to honestly talk about the situation and the therapist had been totally manipulated and was attacking me... .Hell... .she did not even know me... .she had just met me. My ex had worked her "magic" even on the T. I then saw how sick my ex was. She just lived her life, being cute and always the victim, telling lie after lie to get anyone to feel sorry for her and do her bidding. I think that might actually describe my relationship with her. At that point I just made a decision to go total NC. The only one I could save was me. Mine lived in total denial of her behavior and there was no breaking thru it or having an honest conversation. Serious mental illness. I could not take the absolute abuse that I was receiving once I was painted black. Sounds like you are in a similar position. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: confused1730 on January 12, 2015, 09:50:38 AM Alberto... .you are helpful. What makes you so certain that she will look at recycling me? Is this when current supply doesn't live up to expectations?
Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Alberto on January 12, 2015, 10:12:42 AM Alberto... .you are helpful. What makes you so certain that she will look at recycling me? Is this when current supply doesn't live up to expectations? I said I don't think she will recycle you. If the break up is not harsh they'll look for you when they're lonely, but if you did like me and unloaded and got personal, you are just an added source of pain, and that's the last thing they need. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Tim300 on January 12, 2015, 11:07:58 AM My question is around the confronting and challenging her - I guess that splits me even more black or is there part of her that will see me different to the other ex's in that I am the only one that has challenged her on her behaviour - does that make her vulnerable - in other words , there is no point in any future recycle with him because he has rumbled me and found me out? I think you're on to something. The final month or so of my relationship with my BPD ex-fiancee was so chaotic that I think it would be impossible to pinpoint what exactly caused what. However, she caught on to the fact that I identified her as a pwBPD and I suspect that that struck extreme fear in her -- that nobody sticks around for a borderline, so she sabotaged our engagement (among other possible reasons). We had each recycled each other previously in the relationship, but this time I've blocked her on Facebook. When I took to the Internet to learn about BPD after this breakup, I realized that there would be no working this out (even if I could forgive her for her atrocious behavior at the end). I do not expect to ever hear from her. I think she deeply hates me for all the trauma I caused her. Also, I think she knows deep down that I'm done with her, so she fears greatly me rejecting her if she reaches out. She's just going to have to downgrade and find some new, unsuspecting guy. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: myself on January 12, 2015, 11:30:11 AM Exposed and ashamed.
The opposite of 'relieved'. Then the walls go up even higher. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: mstnghu on January 12, 2015, 12:29:54 PM When I finally called my wife out a few months back and told her that I believe her to have BPD, she went nuts on me. She refuses to admit it and constantly brings up during our many fights just how hurt she was that I said it. She is in complete denial. I'm 100% convinced she has BPD and during the heat of our fights, I've tried to logically prove to her that she most likely has it. She can't handle it at all and the s**t always hits the fan when I bring it up. The thing is, I wouldn't keep bringing it up if I didn't want to fix our problems. I'm not trying to antagonize her. I actually just want her to at least attempt to acknowledge her many issues and try to work on them.
Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: NonAverageJoe on January 12, 2015, 12:49:37 PM They will try very hard to sink final projections in. I just experienced this again. Don't validate or acknowledge it. You're doing them a favor.
Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infern0 on January 12, 2015, 01:00:31 PM Don't rule out a recycle.
They can play the "you can help me" card. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: maxen on January 12, 2015, 01:16:40 PM while i understand the frustration, having been there myself, telling your SOs that they have BPD is usually counterproductive. therapists know this and will sometimes not tell their patients that they have it, anticipating the reaction (Why are therapists hesitant to give a BPD diagnosis? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68149.0)). we have a reading on this, Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy):
Excerpt Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen. Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: drummerboy on January 12, 2015, 01:19:19 PM I swear, I could have written these words verbatim myself about my ex, so scary how similar our stories are.
After we broke up I wrote her a long email basically saying that she can either stay in her unhappy place or take the courageous steps to recovery (I didn't know about BPD or cluster B disorders at that stage) I now believe that that is when she painted me ultra black. I had seen through the mask, seen that she is an act, a fraud, that I knew the real her and that was completely unacceptable to someone who devotes her whole life to maintaining the cute "I'm alright act" Her whole identity is "the act" I now think of myself as a therapist that tells a patient that they have a personality disorder and the patient walks straight out the door. They cannot bear to know that someone has seen through them, so I was GONE. Complete, 100% denial is their main coping mechanism. I then saw how sick my ex was. She just lived her life, being cute and always the victim, telling lie after lie to get anyone to feel sorry for her and do her bidding. I think that might actually describe my relationship with her. At that point I just made a decision to go total NC. The only one I could save was me. Mine lived in total denial of her behavior and there was no breaking thru it or having an honest conversation. Serious mental illness. I could not take the absolute abuse that I was receiving once I was painted black. Sounds like you are in a similar position. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infared on January 12, 2015, 01:45:46 PM I swear, I could have written these words verbatim myself about my ex, so scary how similar our stories are. After we broke up I wrote her a long email basically saying that she can either stay in her unhappy place or take the courageous steps to recovery (I didn't know about BPD or cluster B disorders at that stage) I now believe that that is when she painted me ultra black. I had seen through the mask, seen that she is an act, a fraud, that I knew the real her and that was completely unacceptable to someone who devotes her whole life to maintaining the cute "I'm alright act" Her whole identity is "the act" I now think of myself as a therapist that tells a patient that they have a personality disorder and the patient walks straight out the door. They cannot bear to know that someone has seen through them, so I was GONE. Complete, 100% denial is their main coping mechanism. I then saw how sick my ex was. She just lived her life, being cute and always the victim, telling lie after lie to get anyone to feel sorry for her and do her bidding. I think that might actually describe my relationship with her. At that point I just made a decision to go total NC. The only one I could save was me. Mine lived in total denial of her behavior and there was no breaking thru it or having an honest conversation. Serious mental illness. I could not take the absolute abuse that I was receiving once I was painted black. Sounds like you are in a similar position. yup and if they are attractive and young enough they can just go out and run their victim routine on someone else... (they are extremely skilled at picking rescuers), ... .and if they are going to be the victim for new supply... .guess who the mean old wolfe is... .that's right... . When I would see mine with the new guy that satanic knowing look in her eyes only directed at me while she acted faint at the sight of me to manipulate new rescuer was just so ... .scary, disgusting and so,so... .so ... .so ugly. I could not believe this was the women that I had loved and lived with for 5 years. Sick stuff. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: hergestridge on January 12, 2015, 04:22:38 PM while i understand the frustration, having been there myself, telling your SOs that they have BPD is usually counterproductive. therapists know this and will sometimes not tell their patients that they have it, anticipating the reaction (Why are therapists hesitant to give a BPD diagnosis? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68149.0)). we have a reading on this, Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy): Excerpt Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen. Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust. Do professionals recommend that I keep my suspicions to myself or discuss the issue directly with the professionals behind my wife's back? Pragmatism is one thing, but I value ethics highly and the truth means something to me to. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: drummerboy on January 13, 2015, 01:07:04 AM I particularly agree with your comment that they are skilled at picking rescuers. Her bf before me (who I assume she went back to) was, according to her, a person of very low self esteem that thought women were not interested in him. He did all the things she avoided like shopping, paying bills etc. he was on of those "needs to be needed" types. She was convinced that he would have her back in a heartbeat and that he would never leave her. She didn't particularly like him (she left him for me one week after meeting me) but he was the ultimate enabler. It is really sick the way that they use people. BTW, she was young, not particularly attractive but had the totally cute, vulnerable act down perfectly. I defy anyone not to fall for her if she wanted you. Totally Irresistible!
yup and if they are attractive and young enough they can just go out and run their victim routine on someone else... (they are extremely skilled at picking rescuers), ... .and if they are going to be the victim for new supply... .guess who the mean old wolfe is... .that's right... . When I would see mine with the new guy that satanic knowing look in her eyes only directed at me while she acted faint at the sight of me to manipulate new rescuer was just so ... .scary, disgusting and so,so... .so ... .so ugly. I could not believe this was the women that I had loved and lived with for 5 years. Sick stuff. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infared on January 13, 2015, 01:16:13 AM I particularly agree with your comment that they are skilled at picking rescuers. Her bf before me (who I assume she went back to) was, according to her, a person of very low self esteem that thought women were not interested in him. He did all the things she avoided like shopping, paying bills etc. he was on of those "needs to be needed" types. She was convinced that he would have her back in a heartbeat and that he would never leave her. She didn't particularly like him (she left him for me one week after meeting me) but he was the ultimate enabler. It is really sick the way that they use people. BTW, she was young, not particularly attractive but had the totally cute, vulnerable act down perfectly. I defy anyone not to fall for her if she wanted you. Totally Irresistible! Exactly... .and I was foolish enough to think that that was something special between just us. DUH! Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infern0 on January 13, 2015, 02:51:16 AM I particularly agree with your comment that they are skilled at picking rescuers. Her bf before me (who I assume she went back to) was, according to her, a person of very low self esteem that thought women were not interested in him. He did all the things she avoided like shopping, paying bills etc. he was on of those "needs to be needed" types. She was convinced that he would have her back in a heartbeat and that he would never leave her. She didn't particularly like him (she left him for me one week after meeting me) but he was the ultimate enabler. It is really sick the way that they use people. BTW, she was young, not particularly attractive but had the totally cute, vulnerable act down perfectly. I defy anyone not to fall for her if she wanted you. Totally Irresistible! yup and if they are attractive and young enough they can just go out and run their victim routine on someone else... (they are extremely skilled at picking rescuers), ... .and if they are going to be the victim for new supply... .guess who the mean old wolfe is... .that's right... . When I would see mine with the new guy that satanic knowing look in her eyes only directed at me while she acted faint at the sight of me to manipulate new rescuer was just so ... .scary, disgusting and so,so... .so ... .so ugly. I could not believe this was the women that I had loved and lived with for 5 years. Sick stuff. This was pretty much the situation with mine, she actually had my replacement friendoned before she met me, but that being said even though they were "friends" he used to do EVERYTHING for her, drive her places, buy her presents, pay for her car to get fixed, take her shopping etc etc etc, this guy even drove her to my place a couple of times. I always used to look at this guy and think jeez, what's his deal? He looked like a broken man, head down, shuffling around. He just looked so miserable and I joked that she had his balls in a bag. Anyways, when I got with her she started to use him as an example of why I should do stuff for her, "oh but you should come in on your day off and hang out with me at work all day because he would do it" "you should drive 45 minutes to come bring me a cup of coffee" I'd be like lol, no but then she would say "well he says you aren't treating me right" Bear in mind that I did a LOT for her, but I just wasn't willing to be a slave, or do things like move in with her until I knew the RS was going to last, or spend ALL my money on her. I did a lot, but I wasn't going to ___ myself out to keep our RS going. To me that's not what it's all about. I'd say "I think it's time I had a word with this guy who seems to be the expert on my relationship" but of course this face to face that i wanted never happened. I used to tell her you know that guy is only hanging around because he wants to get in your pants anyways after she got really uncontrollable and me and her just kept butting heads over and over and I refused to back down to her petty demands she went and "got with him" I said to her, that guy is pathetic, you know that, you don't love him, you aren't even attracted to him. She whispered, through tears "I know but he takes care of me" Mind = Blown Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infared on January 13, 2015, 03:07:22 AM I particularly agree with your comment that they are skilled at picking rescuers. Her bf before me (who I assume she went back to) was, according to her, a person of very low self esteem that thought women were not interested in him. He did all the things she avoided like shopping, paying bills etc. he was on of those "needs to be needed" types. She was convinced that he would have her back in a heartbeat and that he would never leave her. She didn't particularly like him (she left him for me one week after meeting me) but he was the ultimate enabler. It is really sick the way that they use people. BTW, she was young, not particularly attractive but had the totally cute, vulnerable act down perfectly. I defy anyone not to fall for her if she wanted you. Totally Irresistible! yup and if they are attractive and young enough they can just go out and run their victim routine on someone else... (they are extremely skilled at picking rescuers), ... .and if they are going to be the victim for new supply... .guess who the mean old wolfe is... .that's right... . When I would see mine with the new guy that satanic knowing look in her eyes only directed at me while she acted faint at the sight of me to manipulate new rescuer was just so ... .scary, disgusting and so,so... .so ... .so ugly. I could not believe this was the women that I had loved and lived with for 5 years. Sick stuff. This was pretty much the situation with mine, she actually had my replacement friendoned before she met me, but that being said even though they were "friends" he used to do EVERYTHING for her, drive her places, buy her presents, pay for her car to get fixed, take her shopping etc etc etc, this guy even drove her to my place a couple of times. I always used to look at this guy and think jeez, what's his deal? He looked like a broken man, head down, shuffling around. He just looked so miserable and I joked that she had his balls in a bag. Anyways, when I got with her she started to use him as an example of why I should do stuff for her, "oh but you should come in on your day off and hang out with me at work all day because he would do it" "you should drive 45 minutes to come bring me a cup of coffee" I'd be like lol, no but then she would say "well he says you aren't treating me right" Bear in mind that I did a LOT for her, but I just wasn't willing to be a slave, or do things like move in with her until I knew the RS was going to last, or spend ALL my money on her. I did a lot, but I wasn't going to ___ myself out to keep our RS going. To me that's not what it's all about. I'd say "I think it's time I had a word with this guy who seems to be the expert on my relationship" but of course this face to face that i wanted never happened. I used to tell her you know that guy is only hanging around because he wants to get in your pants anyways after she got really uncontrollable and me and her just kept butting heads over and over and I refused to back down to her petty demands she went and "got with him" I said to her, that guy is pathetic, you know that, you don't love him, you aren't even attracted to him. She whispered, through tears "I know but he takes care of me" Mind = Blown OK... .you getting in a relationship with both of them qualifies for the most red flags ever ignored as a posting on this website (I am laughing here.) , You realize now that you signed up for instant triangulation. I got that at the end of my relationship when she hookEd up with new supply and played us against each other. You chose to walk right into it from day one. What a pain fest. WOW! We make some really bad choices for ourselves. We have a lot of work to do on us considering we made the choices to get into these messes! Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infern0 on January 13, 2015, 04:01:47 AM Now that I look back, yeah it was stupid on my part.
To be honest I think my arrogance was my downfall, I looked at this guy and just instantly wrote him off as any kind of threat, I honestly didn't even mind them "hanging out" because I perceived him as so far down the "food chain" that it was ludicrous to think she'd go near him. Like I say, stupid, but to be honest also kind of logical, this guy really is bottom of the barrel. I didn't realise I was dealing with a pwBPD though, so all the "normal rules" of dating and attraction go out the window. Oh and btw she tried to keep triangulation going when she got with him, coming to me for sex on 3 occasions, and attempting to lock me into a permenant affair where we would sneak off and have sex and go for horny weekends away etc, all the while she kept her cuckold manservent as her boyfriend. Someone else can sign up for the role of sex slave Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: drummerboy on January 13, 2015, 05:16:21 AM WOW, I must be the world champion for being "triangulated"
For the entire relationship my ex continued to live with the guy before me. She bought a new bed that she said she slept in but who knows. I feel like a total idiot now. She did spend almost 24/7 with me and at my place but all her stuff was back at her ex's place. OK... .you getting in a relationship with both of them qualifies for the most red flags ever ignored as a posting on this website (I am laughing here.) , You realize now that you signed up for instant triangulation. I got that at the end of my relationship when she hookEd up with new supply and played us against each other. You chose to walk right into it from day one. What a pain fest. WOW! We make some really bad choices for ourselves. We have a lot of work to do on us considering we made the choices to get into these messes! Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Alberto on January 13, 2015, 06:06:29 AM Now that I look back, yeah it was stupid on my part. To be honest I think my arrogance was my downfall, I looked at this guy and just instantly wrote him off as any kind of threat, I honestly didn't even mind them "hanging out" because I perceived him as so far down the "food chain" that it was ludicrous to think she'd go near him. Like I say, stupid, but to be honest also kind of logical, this guy really is bottom of the barrel. I didn't realise I was dealing with a pwBPD though, so all the "normal rules" of dating and attraction go out the window. Oh and btw she tried to keep triangulation going when she got with him, coming to me for sex on 3 occasions, and attempting to lock me into a permenant affair where we would sneak off and have sex and go for horny weekends away etc, all the while she kept her cuckold manservent as her boyfriend. Someone else can sign up for the role of sex slave No it was not stupid on your part. In healthy relationships you don't need to second guess all the actions of your partner, you just live life. That right there is one of the worse things about relationships with pwBPD, with them it doesn't seem to be about enjoying the good things in life, it's all about tricks and games to keep you attached. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: iluminati on January 13, 2015, 08:57:43 AM And that's why I prefer to leave diagnosis to the pros. (Interestingly enough, the most common professionals who diagnose BPD are marriage and relationship counselors. Go figure.) I didn't think about BPD until after my then-wife was institutionalized, and I was called in for a meeting with her and a licensed clinical social work, who then asked me if I knew about borderline personality disorder. Until then, I know "something" was wrong, but I didn't assume is was borderline personality disorder... .or any other mental illness, for that matter.
Unless you have a formal diagnosis from a trained professional, confronting isn't going to help, and it may potentially endanger your life, liberty and property. Just let it slide from the public acknowledgement front. You'll have plenty of info to deal without straight up saying it. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Infared on January 13, 2015, 09:33:25 AM Now that I look back, yeah it was stupid on my part. To be honest I think my arrogance was my downfall, I looked at this guy and just instantly wrote him off as any kind of threat, I honestly didn't even mind them "hanging out" because I perceived him as so far down the "food chain" that it was ludicrous to think she'd go near him. Like I say, stupid, but to be honest also kind of logical, this guy really is bottom of the barrel. I didn't realise I was dealing with a pwBPD though, so all the "normal rules" of dating and attraction go out the window. Oh and btw she tried to keep triangulation going when she got with him, coming to me for sex on 3 occasions, and attempting to lock me into a permenant affair where we would sneak off and have sex and go for horny weekends away etc, all the while she kept her cuckold manservent as her boyfriend. Someone else can sign up for the role of sex slave I didn't make good choices either. When I met mine she was living with someone, and cheating on him with a married man (with 3 kids). He looked like Ronald McDonald which (like in your case) was bizarre as the pwBPD was a slender, tall attractive woman. I was just friendly with her at a seasonal job... .no involvement and once I figured out what she was doing I wanted to talk some sense into her (rescuer)... .I won't get into the whole drama... but she ends up leaving the BF and stops dating (doing) Ronald and I am soo flattered that "what... .you want to date me"... .I think things will be different. Duh. It was good for 5yrs. we lived together and I loved her... .It seemed good... but she just did the same thing to me that she did to her other BF. When the switch got flipped boy... .did I meet someone that I never knew... (although I saw glimpses of that behavior toward the old BF when we first started dating.). If I look back... .my initial encounters had red flags everywhere. ... .and I mean EVERYWHERE... .that this person was not balanced or mentally healthy. I ignored all of it for a young, pretty face... (that is not entirely true... .but more or less). Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: blissful_camper on January 13, 2015, 10:39:42 AM Alberto... .you are helpful. What makes you so certain that she will look at recycling me? Is this when current supply doesn't live up to expectations? I said I don't think she will recycle you. If the break up is not harsh they'll look for you when they're lonely, but if you did like me and unloaded and got personal, you are just an added source of pain, and that's the last thing they need. I'm sure there's some truth to this. On the other hand, I think it depends on "what they need." My break up was harsh. My ex knew that I'd found him out. I didn't think that I would hear from him again. Nonetheless, he tested the waters then attempted a recycle about 15 months post b/u. It seems that if you can "provide" something that they "need,", that "need" becomes greater than continuing to hide from someone who "knows." I wouldn't wish a recycle attempt on anyone. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: maxen on January 13, 2015, 10:43:44 AM Until then, I know "something" was wrong, but I didn't assume is was borderline personality disorder... .or any other mental illness, for that matter. likewise, i'd never even heard 'BPD' until the therapist i started with spotted it, and she'd treated patients with it (and my new therapist strongly agrees). i knew something was wrong in her reactions, but i attributed it to something else (Sloth - i was raised way catholic), and in part i wondered if i was reacting wrongly to her behaviors. i was, but that's not the source of the problem. and one of my issues is/was with her therapist, who apparently is an enabler who doesn't have a clue. knowing that our SOs have BPD is important, because it gives some measure of the chances of change and improvement, in their lives and in our own. but we can't treat that, we have to manage the behaviors - another reason to address their behaviors, not face them with a diagnosis. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: LeftSidePain on January 13, 2015, 02:29:37 PM I wouldn't know how she would feel. I would think nothing. If you think about it telling a person you are in conflict with or avoiding that it is all their fault wouldn't work for the best I'd assume.
I do know that anytime I said ":)oing X really shows your personality" or ":)oing Y shows what type of person you really are" made her do the exact opposite of said thing. This was in the first two or three weeks after she left. Before I knew what I was looking at which made the conversation that much of a confusing roller coaster. Example: She knew I was to get a raise and said... .I know you are getting a raise and I want half of that in the divorce, because you owe me. I told her I wasn't getting the raise or anything close to what she thought. Her response: You are just a liar and everything you say is a lie. You are arrogant and full of sh!t. Mine: This is the third time you've brought up my raise and how you now want half of it. That really shows me what type of person you are and your true personality. Next day she told me she didn't want the money and I can keep it. Just by saying those things to her we were actually able to come to an amicable agreement in the divorce. She continued to play the victim in every sense in the fact that she just wanted out. Didn't want anything from me. I was so ultra abusive, controlling, and manipulative that she just wanted her clothes and her half of the equity of the home. So I gave her what she wanted. She was able to keep up the facade that she was noble and left with nothing. I did take the high road and pack and deliver all her belongings to her new place for her. Even though I felt like a sucker for doing it I know those things would still be there if I didn't. Title: Re: How Does a BPD Feel if You Have Found Them Out? Post by: Turkish on January 13, 2015, 11:35:56 PM She was dX'd with depression when she was pregnant with D2. Her one SI, Christmas Day 2011,.came after the dX. Strangely, after all this time, I just put together that her dX probably triggered her extreme dysregulation and SI. She had stormed out of her parents house, leaving me and our baby there. I found her at home,.after a nasty text demanding to bring our baby home, collapsed on the bathroom floor in utter despair. I brought her out of it, and encouraged her to come out to her family about her depression. It was ok. For a while... .
Two years later, and I certainly had a contribution to this, she started an affair. Emotional, with some heavy petting at first. She broke up with me (like we were bf and gf and not parents of s small child and a baby). I caught her two weeks later. After one joint counseling session after which she abandoned me, because I was the one with the problem, I gave it 110%, she even admitted, but didn't let go of her new attachment. Cue 3 months living with her while she threw her juvenile r/s in my face, neglecting the kids. I knew it was done for sure. No recycles. We came home with the kids from her parents and she asked me to watch the kids. She went to our/my bedroom and collapsed on the bed, a room and bed she had abandoned for the couch three months previously. I saw that as significant. I checked on her after 20 mins to find her sobbing. I urged her to get help. I would support her. No answer. I left to go play with our kids. She came out an hour later, right as rain. We all went to a Christmas function. In the car, I brought it up, and she said, "I know I'm sick, but I feel like you're throwing my sickness in my face." I shut my mouth. 1.5 months before, in probably her only lucid weekend among 3.5 months of dissociative behavior, she admitted, at no prompting from me, that she had become like her dad (cheater), and she was ashamed of it. Shame. That's it. I was the trigger of her core shame,.so I knew there was no saving it (in addition to the other man), so I let her go. It was the most compassionate thing I could do for all four of us. I think that on some level that she appreciated it. |