BPDFamily.com

Was wondering if anyone really trusted there BPD partner when they stoped trusting them and why

personally i was always suspect an though in denial i guess i never really trusted her after about 12 months i found a hole in her diaphram an she said she had accidentilly put it in there with her fingernail it is amazing what you will believe when you want too sigh

i started out trusting mine. Until I caught her lying and im not sure but prolly cheating too. She lied to me for about a month and then "broke up" and met him for a weekend. Of course she said there was no sex but with them who knows. I forgave then started building trust again and here comes more lying. After that I never really could trust anything she said to me.

What amazing, in the end it was worked so I would always be accused of cheating and believed to be the scummy low moral person! All this time I was not reaching out to exes or cheating... .Guess who was!

All starts from poor boundaries. Mine. The whole relationship and its hellish progression would not have started or unfolded this way had I a better sense of self and clear boundaries. This is the super news. I can fix... .myself!

Sly trust is something you generally start out with when entering a r/s, and it builds up over time when both partners demonstrate 'trustworthy' behaviour. It grows when there is emotional vulnerability, maturity and emotional closeness. I trusted mine almost unconditionally - way too much. Until I started noticing these:

The trust fails when you start to truly see that their actions do not equal their words. 'I love you' oh but that won't stop me being angry at you over something miniscule the day your grandparent has died.

When they talk badly about your reaction to their rage, to their friends, but don't happen to mention that they raged at you, and that was why you left. 'She got in her car and left - it was a complete over-reaction'

When they tell you one thing, do another, then lie about it if you raise it. 'Cheating on you? I would never do that', but what I will do is lie about who dropped me home late.

When they are secretive about most aspects of their lives. On their phone texting and messaging all the time.

When you ask them something outright, they deflect so as to avoid answering. You point out they've not answered and deflected, and then they deflect / justify why they haven't answered it, again! They would make excellent politicians.

I had this exact same thing happen to me at one point, she told me there were only wondering hands and nothing happened. I already did not trust her because of constantly finding her on a dating site and pudding every guy she needs on Facebook and in her phone. And amazingly enough like TROG said, I was believed to be The scummy low moral person and cheater.

My BPDex is a very sincere man.  However, he is also delusional, in that he creates a kind of fantasy out of idealising love, relationships, himself and me.  He's also judgemental and inconsistent.   Any "slights" or inconsistencies between reality and this world result in withdrawal, anger, hostility etc.   It's only after finally (after "recycling" throughout the whole relationship) that I can see why.


Part of how I can see why comes from him, because he finally and honestly got to see his own behaviour, after somehow believing it was normal and acceptable when it was NEITHER. 

I believe he is sincere in wanting to change, in seeing some of what drives him.  But I don't trust that he will have the courage or ability to see it through.  But I hope he will.

So basically, whether a BPD person is sincere, or a complete liar, does not mean you can trust them.

Only when his actions are consistent with real change, will I trust him.


I'm underlining that for me - I need to commit myself to this and not recycle again!

Also, relating to trust, is the notion of "truth".

I read somewhere here that for a BPD, emotion is truth.  This is my feeling.  It is so important for my BPDex to express himself and his emotions - it's essential that they are validated through expression.  However, truth is very very relative, and any thing that is inconsistent - like saying one thing, and treating me another - is washed over with

"but I did that because I felt x, y or z"

or

"but I did that because you behaved badly".

Any inconsistencies - or pointers to the truth - are washed away, are not seen.

So then also it is hard to trust because the thing we want to trust is the truth, and the truth in these relationships can get very lost.

I totally trusted my xBPDh right up until he left me.  A couple of days later he came to collect some of his things.  I saw guilt in his eyes and lost all trust at that point.  At that time I had no idea what he had done, I just knew something wasn't right and he was feeling guilty about something.  A few weeks later I found out that day would have been just after he spent the weekend with the replacement.

When I told him I no longer trusted him, he got very angry and stormed off.  I think it was at that point that he realised he was no longer pulling the wool over my eyes and that soon he would be found out.

FYI, diaphragms are really thick and no nail unless it is as sharp as a knife would penetrate it.  That was a ridiculous lie (like most of them).


"The trust fails when you start to truly see that their actions do not equal their words. 'I love you' oh but that won't stop me being angry at you over something miniscule the day your grandparent has died.

When they talk badly about your reaction to their rage, to their friends, but don't happen to mention that they raged at you, and that was why you left. 'She got in her car and left - it was a complete over-reaction'

When they tell you one thing, do another, then lie about it if you raise it. 'Cheating on you? I would never do that', but what I will do is lie about who dropped me home late.

When they are secretive about most aspects of their lives. On their phone texting and messaging all the time.

When you ask them something outright, they deflect so as to avoid answering. You point out they've not answered and deflected, and then they deflect / justify why they haven't answered it, again! They would make excellent politicians. "

I quit trusting him when he said, h I had things to do tonight, (Saturday night and we were to go to a wedding - he didn't show).

your lip gloss is bugging me - kiss me on the cheek from here out.

this is my area of the couch - no more touching I guess for this engaged couple!

I am no longer staying at your house - you want me come to my house

My doctor said I can't have sex because of my shoulder until January - this was September!

BIG FAT LIAR CHEATER.

No.

I lied to myself that I did, but in truth I did not. From very, very early on in our relationship.

She had told me even before when we were friends for a few weeks before getting together that she "completley lost herself" when drinking, so whenever she would go out with her friends i'd be really concerned as to what was going to happen.

She'd also told me about her time "slutting it up" although she said it was just a phase she supposedly went through about 10-15 guys in a 3 month period.

Things like this were obviously major red flags but she told me she had changed and never wanted to be like that again, but sadly she wasn't "slutting it up", she IS a slut.

Being honest, no I did not trust my ex fully but I also lied to myself in believing and trusting my ex, hence I probably got what I deserved before our messy split. I tolerated much more nonsense than I should have.

Sadly, she used my naivety to her advantage and abused my trust in her. I eventually realised I was being played a fool by her when it was too late. What made it worse is when I confronted her about her lies, she carried on lying to the point where I just gave up.

Never again!