BPDFamily.com

I really got SO much from my relationship and yesterday so wanted to make contact, even though I know that feeling free, not feeling judged, not having to live in someone else's head and world, is so much healthier.  But we are creatures of habit and creating new habits is hard.  When you're at a low ebb it almost seems impossible.

I know for me that it is going to need a lot of self-work. I keep answering the same kinds of questions. Here is what I have been trying to do - it's my homework, I guess, coursework on the course "how to lead a happier, healthier life".


1. why do I want to go back?

because he made me feel good about myself, i felt he loved who i was, we had amazing sex, i felt relaxed and happy when it was good. He knows me, he can be very very interested in me, he can be very understanding and I can be very open with him.  And I have forgotten about the bad because I want to feel good again.

2. what are the positives I get from him?

affection, touch, "white" split - I am idealised, feeling valued, sharing life, feeling bonded, and I can be loving to someone and have someone to be generous to.


3. what are the negatives I get from him?

withdrawal, not feeling good enough, feeling confused, trying to reach him but being rejected, feeling not seen, not heard, feeling not valued, being told I should be different to be good enough for him, being raged at, getting the silent treatment, having to listen to exceedingly long and boring things about his life.  Compromising myself.  Feeling that spending time with friends is bad.  Depression.  Anxiety.

(writing things down WILL help you not go back, I promise!)


4... why do I need the good things?

because I'm not yet giving them to myself - i'm not believing in my own worth, i am not loving myself but needing someone to love me. 

I admit that I have these needs that aren't being met.  But he is not the place to go.


5. where else could these things come from?

myself (work in progress); my excellent friends;  these boards!  Maybe I am not being open enough to other people, my friends or family.  Instead of obsessing and feeling the huge pull back, it would be better for me to

• Do something I like (eg read a book)



• Do something useful or necessary (eg housework)



• Do something physical (eg the gym)



• Stop thinking and obsessing (do anything else!)



• Phone a friend (think of how many friends you have or could have)



• Phone another friend (maybe someone you haven't been in touch with for a while)



• Text a friend (building these friendships is really important)



• Waste time looking at funnies on the web (laughter makes you feel life is worth living)



• Come here and write.

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6. am I beating myself up about it?

(usually, yes)


7.   how can I accept myself? how can I love myself?


I promise to try to understand myself as with understanding comes compassion and eventually, love.

If I mess up, I offer myself compassion and try again.

I can write down all the things other people like about me, and the things I like about me, and then think actually, I'm a pretty great person.  I just need to look out for myself a bit more.

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Today I opened up a lot with a good friend, and she shared lots of her stuff too.  There was a lot of common ground.  Sharing is good - step by step, the longest march can be done.  So I'm sharing, and I'd really value seeing what other people do, and what other answers to those questions there are.


JM

Thanks for sharing this, Jo-Marie.  |iiii