BPDFamily.com

I got a letter from my exgf today and I am not sad, I am so mad then I am crawling out of my skin, I am so thankful I am in control of my impulses because I feel like destroying something.

After all this time of no contact a letter came today in the mail,  here is what it said!

Hi targeted, I hope you are doing well. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You don't get to know someone for nine years and forget about them overnight. I hope your situation is improving, hindsight is always 2020, I found these pamphlets and pick them up for you, I don't know if you'll get them because everybody in your life is so controllingand dysfunctional but it brings me peace of mind, I spoke with my aunt that is head of the psych ward and she also mentioned projecting, and I thought of you and your addictions and friendships you choose, I wish you the best and I forgive you for the lying and emotional trauma!

The pamphlets were about alcoholism, me having a couple of beers gets magnified into me being a severe alcoholic, she seems to forget I did everything for her in her everyday life and enjoyed sitting down and having a beer with me at the end of the day as well, I know alcohol can be destructive but not as destructive as she is!   What do I do?   Mail her a letter and tell her how hateful she is?  How ungrateful she is ?   I want to lash out at her verbally right now and my blood is boiling!  I know that was her plan but I am thinking about picking up a pen and writing!   

Or you can realize that it has to be all your fault in her head so she can live with herself, otherwise, should she take responsibility for anything, she would melt into a puddle of shame.  And the more effort she puts into it, the more that shame is creeping into her feel-good.

Here's a tip: people with drinking problems wonder if they have a problem, people who don't never think about it.  You know which side of that you're on, and if it doesn't apply, chuck the stuff.  I wouldn't write a letter to her though, or at least don't send it, that's just pouring gas on a fire.

I would be really angry too.    The best thing to do right now is to calm down. It is hard to see the big picture of all of this when you are angry.  Targeted, this is a letter from a disordered person.  You have been here for awhile, you know the behaviors; cognitive distortions etc.  You know this letter is not about you.  You know what really happened.  

Doing nothing is your best bet.  What would writing a letter to her when you are angry solve? Do you think she would "get it?"

If you weren't her ex, you would read this and laugh about how ridiculous it is.  It's absurd.  I would not respond in any way.  If she has BPD and you don't want to be with her, just ignore it.  Whatever you do, I would definitely not respond with lashing out -- she might love that.  Maybe you can just sleep on it for a week before giving in to any urge to respond.

That letter just proves how disordered she is. You have to be the one with the problem because the alternative is she has to look at herself and pwBpD don't  do introspection. Mine did the same sort of thing, told outrageous lies about my mental health. A lost cause BPD lives in denial. Chuck the letter in the bin and have a beer, and a laugh

I'm doing nothing but expressing how I feel with people who don't even know me but care more than she does. If her aunt was really head of a psych ward she would have committed her years ago, so that is nothing but another big fat lie! I do drink beer, I have a few most every day , it is not the best habit in the world but I am not a drunk, three beers or four does not need defending! That is not a severe alcoholic! That is a disordered perception from a dysfunctional woman, I have a commercial license, I get drug and alcohol tested regularly and have never failed a test, I have absolutely nothing to defend. I take this letter as she is pissed at herself!  It's just when I was doing good all of a sudden now my chest is tight and my blood is boiling! I'm sick of being put down from someone who is lower than a snakes belly in the rut of a wagon wheel on a muddy road!

A normal person might write, "I forgive you for whatever mistakes you might have made in the relationship."  Instead she writes, "I forgive you for the lying and emotional trauma!" with an exclamation mark.  It seems like pwBPD just love, love, love fighting.  They cannot stop arguing and fighting.  This is not really an apology, but a jab -- a baiting for what she likes most: fighting.

There it is Targeted, there's the hook. She's fishing for a reaction. She wants to continue the drama. She's bored or lonely... who knows... Don't give her what she wants. Don't react.

Vent here, beat up a pillow, throw a baseball repeatedly against a fence... but don't respond. It will not go well.

We're here for you  

Dignified silence, my friend.  And trust me, I know that is hard.  But what she is doing is pushing the shiny red nuke button that she feels will ensure a response.  Mine did the same thing by coming to my home in the middle of the night WITH the replacement and placing an autographed picture of themselves on my car.  Pretty immature.  VERY clear sense of someone having NO sense of boundaries.  I was livid and wanted to call or email and tell him he better not EVER come to my home where my kids reside WITH THE WHORE unless he wants to leave with no knee caps.  BUT... .

I calmed down and took a very smart friends advice and remained silent.

This does several things.  Not only does she NOT get the contact she wanted.  It makes her unsure if you ever GOT the letter.  Why isn't he responding?

To me, this is the best response if you want to put the crap back on her.  BELIEVE ME... it is worse to her than anything.

Thank you,  I'm not doing anything but I am so mad.

Don't reply or acknowledge her in any way.

I know!  And I am happy you posted.  I'm just on fire and bringing it here, not to be mad at people helping but I'm mad nonetheless

Not kind or helpful. Projecting and looking for a response.

":)ear Scapegoat... .I was thinking you should defend yourself... .

Feel bad about yourself while I have 'peace of mind'... ."

You're right, you don't have to be defined by her bs.

Sit on your hands and sit this one out as best you can.

Her push and pull affects you less the more you let it go.

Targeted:  Mine decided to up the ante when I didn't respond by taking the replacement to the same place we spent Christmas together for THEIR Christmas and then smeared it all over social media.  Sometimes posing in the same way and the same landmark places we did.  I was surprised how it didn't hurt at all.  As a matter of fact, it just seemed SO pathetic that he was trying SO HARD to get my attention, like a spoiled child.  And it showed me their relationship wasn't so great for if it was, he wouldn't feel the need to make such an obvious display that was SO directed at me.  So much so, I didn't even know, it was friends that stumbled on it and told me.  So, it was OBVIOUS to them that what I have been saying since the split is true.

If anything, he just validated me and my feelings.  I again, have remained silent and I will continue to do so.  And THAT has got to be driving him mad.  As I sleep like a baby.  |iiii

Thank you for your response,  hard moment for me.  The more I calm down the more I can see no response will be more effective,  my silence will scream!

I appreciate everyone here!  Bless you all.

Bingo. AND why isn't he proving me right? Ya never know Targeted, someone may have called her on her behavior recently and she needs to feel vindicated. This stuff does get under your skin but when you can start picking apart the disordered possibilities for her actions it kind of takes the bite out of the jab. Sending this letter is just a desperate act for attention.

We've all been there, wanting to be heard, to hold up a mirror... .

She's already seen herself. The disorder helps her choose to look away.

Think how if you DID respond while upset she'd say, "Mm hm, 'crazy'."

I'm not being NC to be against my ex. It's what is best for Me.

But as close as I was with her, to be so silent now? It gets to her.

Don't let 'PS, here's some FOG' stay with you too long. It's hers, not yours.

Also, not opening any more letters from her is another piece of no contact.

Your right but no response is still NC. Kill her with kindness by silence.

And as you shift the focus from her to you, her reaction will stop mattering.  You don't want to hear that right now, you're mad, I understand, but something to look forward to?

Thank you, I did always respond, things have changed and it is because of all of the people here like you and us. I can't say love but appreciate everyone here. You all are  gold!   Going to try to sleep and see what happens in 5 hours.?

And when you awake in the morning you will be one day closer to being a stronger, better person, when she wakes up tomorrow it will just be another day of her unending living hell.

The letter is just a reflection of her uncertainty with herself.  Chuck it in the bin.  The good news is you are stepping away from the FOG and she is fighting alone in her fish bowl.  Fighting their projections just validates their projections.

Targeted... .No response just leaves her with herself. She sent that to bait you... .Any contact for a sick person is a win for them... .that is what she is looking for here. Don't play anymore.

I am in recovery... .12 yrs.  I an not trying to put you on the spot... .but I am going to ask anyway in the pursuit of totally honesty. Something in your post put my hair on end. It's about you though... .not her.

You use the phrase "having a beer", I believe you are referring to having many beers if I am reading this correctly.  :)o you feel a need to subliminally minimize "drinking" by saying having a beer?  I say this in an effort to help. I am not judging... .I went thru hell with all that.

i.e. Is there any validity in what she sent you?   Clearly she is using that to attack you and gaslight you... .and its abusive... .that is not love... .but I am reading between the lines here and asking a direct question.  Is there a drinking issue?  I denied mine for years. It's human.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that targeted, especially after all you have been through.

Suzn is completely right in there being a hook as well as much of the letter is disordered thinking, projection and baiting for justification. I've been in the position you have and fallen into the trap several times before I realised (with help of T) what was really going on. My exN/BPDw would send letters like that all the time, I would bite and next thing I knew, I was back in the dysfunction, apologising and agreeing to her control.

Based on the letters I used to get, here is what she is possibly really saying:

Hi Targeted, I'm in a lot of pain with guilt and shame for what I did to you and need you to soothe me. In order to do that, I want to send you something because I need you to respond to me and tell me that I'm right. I need you to validate me. I fear that everybody in your life hates me and fear that they will tell you the truth about me. I spoke with someone to validate my own disordered thinking because I'm left in the darkness to deal with my own feelings and I can't do that. I'm angry at you because you didn't give me your undivided attention and things you did got in the way of my never ending needs. Please forgive me for my lying and the emotional trauma I caused you because I couldn't bear to think you hate me

It's funny because when I ignored exN/BPDw's emails, she would suddenly change tact and send me something to try and boost my ego along how great I was towards her and try to draw me back in that way. My suggestion is to ignore the letter and see if another one turns up shortly telling a very different story. She may very well be trying to work out your hook and if that approach doesn't work, she will try another approach to see if you respond

SPOT ON, Ripped! |iiii

It could go either way... .she could also send something rageful as well. Anything to get some kind of response. Very dysfunctional and unhealthy interaction. No love there.

Thank you very much For your concern, alcoholism is in my family and I have been aware of that since about 12 years old, I did not drink at that age but my father was a drinker and even with that he was a really great guy, but it did make him ignore me in certain ways that were hurtful and my mother started taking me to a program called al-Ateen which was for children about having alcoholism in your family, it was very helpful.  I know enough about myself and my addictive behaviour to know that alcohol can be A problem for me if I let it get out of control.  Last night I was so mad I could have slammed down a 12 pack without a problem but I keep these things in the forefront of my mind because I know where my flaws and weaknesses are in this matter, so there was no drinking. when we were together I would have three or four beers at the end of the day while doing all the work, I had to go grocery shopping and put the food away, then do the dishes from the day before when I was not there at her house, then I would have to go take care of the three horses which was two days worth of work because she did nothing when I wasn't there even though these are her animals, then I would have to cook dinner and eat and then clean up after dinner again and then go back out to the barn and bring the horses in.  This was about two hours extra work every day after my already 12 hour work day. I am not justifying drinking but I do not see three or four beers being a relationship dilemma, she expressed her concern over this so I had no problem cutting those few beers out of my day for her emotional comfort, she even told her therapists that she asked and I did it and she was very happy, after agreeing to not have beer at the house anymore she asked me to pick up a 12 pack of her favourite beer for her, I told you are confusing me because you said this is a problem and now you want me to buy beer!  She said well I'm not the one with the problem you are, and then brought herself home A 12 pack and came out to the barn to see me drinking one, I still stuck to my word and my V8 Splash!  This really is just something she can magnify and turn into a baseball bat to hit me with.  Alcoholism is definitely in my family, so I am sure it is definitely in my genetic make up, The counsellor that I see has known my family for over 20 years and is extremely helpful, my self awareness keeps me in control of it so it does not control me.  I think she should have given the pamphlets to her 20 year-old son Who is sitting home without a driver's license due to a DWI,  I thank you for posting this concern because it keeps my self awareness up. 

Thank you very much for your translation, it does help!  It is hard to read it that way when I'm  the one reading it knowing the truth of what happened in the relationship. 

Targeted,

Yes, she is begging for the drama to continue. No apology here but "I miss you and all you did for me" so let me figure out how to get attention from you. I know I will say he is an alcoholic! That will get him stirred up. (Remember they have the maturity of a 3rd grader).

Last week when I wanted to contact my ex in a letter, I sent it to Hope and she dissected it for me. I got all my frustrations out. Do that on the board or you can send it to me, but don't contact her.

Looking at this from the outside, she is baiting you and if you don't latch on she has nothing to play with.

Ok,  I am going to respond to The letter but I will send it to you instead in a pm if that is really okay, she deserves no response from me personally,

Thanks for the honesty!

I think putting your feelings down in writing and sending it to someone else (downwhim) will help you diffuse your need to react to her.

I identify with those feelings... .I tend to be very emotional, too... .but I think you are making good choices. I will bet you that you will see she will step her game up to get a reaction from you if you do not respond... just step back and watch.  If so... .you and she are in a dysfunctional dance... it is not healthy love... .its power and control... .which comes from uncentered, "love" situations.   Just my opinion... not a professional... or anything.  I think you are doing well with this!

Infared

Thank you for everything, specially questioning me openly on something you saw. Alcohol can be enjoyed and also be very destructive.

Tell her you will read them when you sober up.  :)

lol would that be breaking NC?

It amazes me the projection. The lengths they will go to to justify their behaviour.

Personally I would be mad at first but I have started to spin their behaviour to put a smile on my face. If my ex did that I would think someones desperate for enlighten me to get back in touch. How dissapointed she must be that I havent responded. I would then imagine her pacing up and down. Checking her phone, facebook, email and the mail box getting more and more irrate as I light a cigar with the pamphlet and sip a nice cold one.

Thank you, that made me smile. One reason is because I know that's exactly what she is doing.  I just know her that good. The Google plus account that I have I did not even know I had it, apparently it is much like Twitter or Facebook, I do not have anything on there, no pictures no posts nothing. It is my email address with a empty Blue Square, she added me to this account and posted some things about love and trust. I saw them but I did not respond and I am not deleting the account or blocking her from it, because I am sure she checks at 20 times a day to see if I had a reaction there. 

It is nice when you know how they will react to our inactions.

Now sit back and see what her next move will be.

I think we should start a sweepstake. I reckon it will be a message asking about something mundane like do you know where the jack is in the car.

Had those already!   But it was phrased as, did you steal my horse bridle? I know you stole the coupon for my horse riding lesson!  fact is she said she was giving that coupon to my daughter but never did it is in the trash pile that is her house!  she is going to have to get creative now,  I do not know what she is going to do nextbut I am sure a thread will come up from me soon about bordeline creativity!

My BPDgf has a set of keys to my house. Last time I went NC, that's how she started by asking where to send the keys, the moment I responded with just an address next came the suicide threats and begging me to speak to her. Things seemed quite normal for a few days and then she went back yesterday to having an outburst simply because I didn't answer the phone when she called.

It's definitely not worth it. Been NC for 2 days now because of outburst, tonight I got an email to tell me she was tired after a long drive and isn't feeling very well. Ignored that and had 3 blocked calls from her. I'm just not ready to speak to her right now but once you make the contact, the mind games start all over again. Not worth the hassle.

Thank you Ripped Heart, I do not think I am ready to talk to my ex either even though I have a lot to say, at least for me and I'm sure others experience this during healing and detaching as well, you still have that small percentage of yourself that hopes they get help and maybe one day give you something to work with? Maybe realise themselves they actually are a large part of the problem and you meant enough to them to at least stick their toe in the water to make a attempt to change like in the posts from XIDION! I am still waiting for that small percentage of myself to fade away, in his thread it was a extremely brief recycle with sex and a break up for her to go get help, that recycle could have gone much worse for him, she could have smeared him with bogus abuse charges or even a bogus rape charge if she did not choose help, anything could have happened or nothing.  that is not a chance I am willing to take because even if nothing happens you still wind up just getting hurt!  If I meant something to my ex enough to make her get help she would have to SHOW me that without a break up, without sex, without the whole recycle! She can go get the help first and then maybe I will talk to her. But that little piece of me is fading away as I heal. I have to! That's all she is giving me to work on!

If we do not respond... .all the drama ends. For us. Simple.

I'm just terrified of my pwBPD at this point.  I never thought I would be terrified of someone, especially not this sweet, innocent-looking woman, but here I am.  I will not take my chances.  Also, I think my entire social network would disown me if I did take my chances at this point.


What's in it for you to even talk to her?  I mean, I wish in some way I could find some level of peace and friendship with mine, in the form of maybe a 30-minute in-person conversation and a hug, but otherwise, she (or anyone with BPD) has nothing to offer me.  You can't really be friends with them.  You can't trust them.  You can't procreate with them.  I would be deeply embarrassed to be seen with mine anywhere.  There's just nothing in it for me at this point.  I am still deeply hurt, confused, and disappointed about the last 2.5 years -- but I'm fully withdrawn about any hope of anything going forward (except maybe that 30-minute cordial conversation [never gonna happen though]).

What would be in it for me?

I guess just happiness that she's getting help!  We have a long history and I am still a little attached, i'm working on that though.  45 days NC has helped, I can't wait to see what it looks like at 90