BPDFamily.com

I know all too well about gaslighting, though I just learned the term tonight. By the end of a bitter reconciliation attempt, I had been made to feel like a sociopath, a stalker, an abuser through neglect, and a narcissist. Interesting though. Has anyone else her been accused of being a narcissist by a BPD? I can see how this could easily happen.  :)o BPD's misconstrue self esteem for narcissistic tendencies? The fact that you could never really fill their deep pit of emotional requirements makes you selfish and self absorbed? The thing is, I doubt a narcissist would spend 2 months of hell trying to win back somebody that they care deeply for, love, and are willing to face all of the difficulties and hard work that a BPD relationship will take. Also,  what is the MAIN purpose of the technique.  Is it a form of damage control? By discrediting the individual, they won't be "exposed"?

One of the most common pairings with a person with BPD traits is a person with NPD traits.  

Why do you feel you were "gaslighted"?  What did she do?

Why do you feel it was a technique and not her sincere feelings (even if wrong)?

Are you trying to suggest that I am a narcissist? I may have a trait or 2 that could be filed under such. I do feel that I am a special person that only deserves the best. I see this has healthy self esteem. But I also feel deeply for others and want to help them, sometimes to my own detrinent.as far as the other part, she knows me more than well enough to know that I am shy and extremely respectful other. I'm sorry but responding to a question about when we could meet to exchange personal belongings does not warrant threatening to call the police if I show up at her house unannounced. This is the same guy that waited 4 months patiently to meet her kids and come to her home. The obvious goal was to make me feel like some threat, which she was very successful. I thought this site was for support and advice, not to challenge posters who are already distraught:/

I'm just answering the general question you asked. Has anyone else her been accused of being a narcissist by a BPD? I can see how this could easily happen.  :)o BPD's misconstrue self esteem for narcissistic tendencies?  The answer is yes and the answer is that it is often true.  It says nothing about you either way - it's just a fact.


Can you answer these? Were her efforts malicious and calculated/planned or was she highly impulsive, emotionally volatile, overly sensitive?

This may go a long way in helping you piece together what was happening on both sides of the relationship and why you still struggle with it 10 months out.

It's hard. We all know. We all lived it.

PwBPD have narcissistic traits, but I think it's a protection cloak and not truly integrated. Abandonment fear on the other hand runs deep, I've seen it 3 times and the lenghts they will go to avoid being left by someone they care about is frightening, irrtional.

I can understand a pwBPD acusing you of being narcissistic, they are so absorbed in their feelings that they just don't have the bandwidth for anyone else's, they truly believe they should be the recipient of all atentions.

Pairing of personality traits, is something that I have a personal interest in, having spent quite a bit of time considering  both my own past relationships, as well as my BPDw's previous partners.

Looking into my BPDw's past, she seems to have found herself with a combination of narcissists and psycho/sociopaths.

My past, involves a pattern of BPD’s and HPD’s relationships.  There always seems to be a type with me.

This has bought me to the conclusion; though I hate to admit it, that I have a lot of the NPD traits.  Having said that, I have changed a lot over the years, and I’m a lot more aware of my own thoughts and behaviours.

I could see why a BPD might consider a partner to be a narcissist; particularly if the pwBPD feels that 100% of their needs are not being met.  Attention placed elsewhere, may well be seen as focusing on yourself too much.

Maybe my BPDw isn’t familiar with the term.  If she was, it would probably be added to her repertoire of insults.

I think Skip’s asking you a very challenging; though constructive question here.  If you’re having a problem with a relationship, particularly one which is at times dysfunctional, a good place to start is by looking at the part that you're playing yourself to begin with.

I’m guilty of not doing this.

Don't get me wrong 6 I appreciate being challenged. I do it to myself constantly, to the point mental fatigue. I will readily admit to my own flaws and shortcomings; I will readily admit that I DO believe that I am a special person. I also believe(and have always believed) that I am different from most people. From my youngest memories, I didn't fit in with other children. They ran around screaming and chasing each other outside; I sat in my room studying maps of the world and checking out library books from the adult section about King Arthur, the Loch Ness Monster, and collecting stamps... .at 7! Am I self absorbed? I definitely can be, but I also force myself to take interest in others lives. Not because I am earnestly apathetic to others; conversely, I am very kind and care deeply for those in my life.  Many friends have said that they can always count on me to be there for me in time of need.  But I cannot turn off my head. I honestly wish I could at times. I would be curious if people with very high IQs often feature characteristics of npd. Ironically,  however, I an not typically arrogant, always willing to admit fault, and am prone to chronic self doubt and crippling bouts of depression.  I am medicated for extreme obsessive thought patterns, social anxiety, and major depression. If anything, the roots of our relationship probably lie my martyr complex, learned from my father. Ive always tried to keep a close eye on it, but I slipped.  Add that to lingering guilt from walking away from her the first time. This somehow created a knight in shining armor, ready to redeem myself and right the wrongs that had developed in her life since I left. Pretty heavy huh?

It is very easy for a pwBPD to see boundaries as being selfish. It is human nature to want the best for ourselves and even potray an image that may be better than we really are. There is also nothing wrong with looking good, dressing well and having nice things. All of this added together doesnt make us narcisitic though.

For someone with BPD the combination of the above is fertile ground for projecting narcissism. They may believe they are narcisitic themselves.

I know I have some narcisitic traits but they are traits that the majority of the planet most likely have. It doesnt make me a narcisit though.

As skip stated it is very common for BPD and npd to pair. This is most likely due to the npd putting themselves first so not getting the mental fatigue us nons get. Their boundaries remain strong and inflexible. Plus they dont really care as much about their partner.

I find my exBPDbf to also exhibit NPD traits. He is so self absorbed and tends to put me down to make himself appear better. He has the best if both worlds. It scary to me and I can't believe I have put up with this behavior so long. I have always had self respect and felt I lost control of it during our relationship. When I tried to discuss this with him he tried to manipulate me by telling me I should always want to be with my mate people who don't have something to hide. He used gaslighting techniques on me to try to make me believe events or conversations never happened. After becoming knowledgeable able these disorders I could pick up on this more easy. If I'm not his puppet then I'm useless to him. That f**king selfish  idiot makes me upset when I even think about it. Please pray for me, this toxic relationship really put a hurting on my self esteem.

No, but my ex undiagnosed BPD gf was convinced I was the one with borderline.

Like, she was in a class about the subject and started crying then and there because she recognised so much. And in some arguments she claimed i was acting like a borderliner.

It never once crossed her mind that maybe she was the one who began all this and I decided sometimes to combat fire with fire. I'm not proud of some of my behaviour, but then I think about her blaming me for all of our troubles and I know I was justified: going against her was the only way to remain sane and to keep SOME self-respect, or what was left anyway.

My ex had a copy of Masterson's Search for the Real Self (I still have it) and he told me at some point during our relationship that he had reviewed all the characteristics outlined for NPD and had concluded that I had NPD.  I was furious and defensive back then.  Now, after a lot of self-exploration, I realize that I was demonstrating very strong codependent traits within the relationship and I had some codependent beliefs that made my perception of my life and others kind of judgy and negative.  Also, I have depression (in remission) and that also made me self-absorbed and my perceptions of myself and others negative.  If you explore all that is codependent and look at 1010's posts about altruistic narcissism, you will probably identify. 

I also found 2010's posts on "the lonely child" helpful.  As well as exploration into the "Highly Sensitive Person".

I can identify with a lot of your traits.  I also always felt weird and different,  had a rich inner life (still do), and tend to live in my head.  Mostly this is from my FOO.

I think there is a lot of crossover with what I have described above and NPD, as far as the inner workings and motivations, if that makes sense.  The common motivation seems to be control, but there are obvious differences too, like the empathy/compassion/perspective-taking ability part.  I think you have that part and an pwNPD might not have that part.  Just my opinion.