BPDFamily.com

I think I’m pretty much out of FOG. Just about a week ago I was so overwhelmed with guilt because of his abusive accusations of me destroying his life and hearing from friends that he wasn’t coping well. But now, I don’t feel the guilt anymore, and I’m finally about to turn the focus more to myself.

So my question is, how do you guys feel / think after FOG?

For me, he’s still always on my mind, and I still feel the need to think about him every day. In fact, whenever my mind is not occupied with work, I’m always thinking about him. But not in the same way as how I used to think about him. I am no longer thrashing myself over all the ‘should have, would have, could have’ anymore, I am no longer feeling guilty or thinking of how to rescue him anymore. I am also not missing the good times that we had. In fact, I seem to be able to block out those good memories from replaying in my mind pretty well. So well that I find my mind going mostly blank when I try to think of the good times. Of course there are memory triggers, but they are manageable. And naturally I still miss him, but I just do not know what I miss about him. And sometimes I feel good on my own, but sometimes it still makes my heart skip a beat when the reality of how over this r/s is sinks in.

Sometimes I even wonder about my true motives of coming forth and posting here. Am I here seeking validation and support, or am I here so that I can talk about him and think about our r/s (and hence, get a fix on my addiction to him still?) I’m sure all people will still think about their ex when they break up, even in healthy relationship. So I shouldn’t be too hard on myself on that. But I’m just wondering how do you guys feel after FOG, and to what extent is it healthy to keep sharing and asking for validation?

FOG clearing took a while but eventually it happened and I feel a lot better than I thought I would a while ago.

Right now i'm just working on myself, first time i've really done it, breaking my codependency etc.

I still hear from her periodically, complaining about how bad her life is (due to her own choices) and every now and then feeling me out for potential recycle.

Thing is, she had her chance with me, I was making moves to REALLY improve our quality of life, had a great job lined up, was earning good money, looking for a nice apartment etc, getting her into therapy, patching up her family relationships, introducing her to nice, quality friends.

fast forward six months and she's living in a hovel with her addict replacement who appears to be completley losing his mind, she's been fired and she's lost the few friends she did have.

It's all her own doing, the guilt and sense of responsibility I once had has gone, when she upped and left with a smug grin on her face I felt like I was dying inside, I went through so much pain and anguish and I thought i'd never recover. She didn't give me a helping hand, she put the boot in.

I had to get myself through it, and I did, and I feel as good as I have for a long time and getting better, I lost so much weight during our R/S, to the tune of about 44lbs. I was practically emaciated by the end. Since She left and I got back in the gym and eating right again, i've gained back 21lbs, each lb is like a personal triumph for me,a measurable account of my recovery.


she's getting worse. Much worse, yet still calls me asking for help and comfort and possibly an escape route.

It's nice to have a clear head and not be full of the obsessive thinking, torment etc.

I don't think it's bad to come on here and talk, we dont need to be 100% recovered until we are ready, and this place is a healthy outlet, better than going on about it to our friends and boring them to death.

I went back and looked at your posts... .looks like you broke up around the end of October.  If that's the case, you're doing well!  My r/s ended at the beginning of August and I'm about where you are... .but it took me longer to get there, obviously!  :)

I've reread your post several times and every single sentence resonates with me - it's exactly where I'm at.  I've also started wondering about my motives for coming to these boards... .although I feel the need lessening.  I'm not too hard on myself about it - I think it may take a long time to process trauma.  And when I look back at the last 5 months I've been pretty seriously traumatized... .so I'm being gentle with myself. 

But I've also realized something about making the decision to heal, which I posted on another board:

You want to hear something perplexing?  There is a small part of me that is afraid of the healing, because once it comes I know that I will look at my ex and realize the bond between us has been completely severed.  I will see her as just another person that I used to know, without all the intense emotionality that I once connected to her.  And I think that makes me sad because it will be the final, irrevocable goodbye.

Infern0 nailed it - it's nice to stop obsessing thinking and tormenting yourself. It's nice to stop crying and to start smiling again. It's nice to start doing things with your friends again, and not have that undercurrent of fear about whether she will get aggressive with them, it's nice to not have to worry if she will rage at you, it's nice to not be put down. It's nice to go to social activities that don't revolve around alcohol.

It's nice just to start to get your own life back again. That is what you feel after the FOG. That the decision you made (or was forced on you), really was the best thing for you, that that relationship could never have worked out, but would have sucked even more years of pleasure and enjoyment away from you, until you were close to death. Just a shell of your former self. A complete wreck. Be thankful it ended when it did. You now get those years back :).  

Again as Infern0 says, much better to rant and vent and get it all out on here, than burn your friends' ears off talking about it. Writing about it is good too. Write alot. Until you get tired of writing about it. I'm hoping soon I'll get tired of typing about it on here. I feel like I am getting to that point.

Hi peace seeker, those are very good, healthy questions.  I asked myself those same questions.  How much ruminating or focusing on him is unhealthy to the point where I'm avoiding moving forward?

I am 7 months out (tomorrow!) and each month has been like a different stage. Each one dramatically different from the last.  I think that early on, I was able to start taking my focus away from him and onto me because I decided to dive into working on childhood wounds.  That actually distracted me from my ex.  I could see the problem as bigger than just him, he was just a part of it.  It was brutally painful TBH.  I had a good T that helped me through it.  There were some dark nights of the soul, that's for sure!

I have been noticing a lightness in my step lately.  I go to sleep feeling somewhat peaceful.  I wake up the same.  I have entered a new stage of my healing I think.  Maybe this is the Creative action stage I'm in now.  I find that when I think about my ex and my times with him, I am starting to detach.  I used to feel deep shame for staying with a man and marrying a man who was so abusive to me.  But that shame is starting to dissipate.  I am just thankful I got out when I did.  I'm becoming a little indifferent.  Some days better than others. 

So all in all, it's just a process.  One day you will wake up and realise something has changed and the world seems a little brighter.  Hang in there.  I doubt you'll stay in the stage you are in for long.  You deserve validation for what you've been through so don't stop posting because of your fears of your motivation.  It will change as you heal. 

hahaha Inferno I definitely agree with you on this!  :)


Hi jhkbuzz,

The quote just made me teared! It is just so nice to read something that could aptly describes how I feel, even when I wasn't really aware of why I am afraid of healing. But yes, a small part of me is really afraid of healing because I'm so afraid of this final irrevocable goodbye. But I know that I'll need to heal, I'll need to move on, because I know he definitely will move on and I do not want to spend the rest of my life waiting and hoping and being stuck where I am today. Thanks for validating my thoughs jhkbuzz.  :) Yes I broke up in October and hence only 3 months out... I'll remind myself to be more compassionate and patient towards myself! :) Glad to hear that things have gotten better for you, pls keep strong! we'll get there 


Hi Parisian,

Even though I haven't reach the 'thankful' stage yet, I know that one day I will be thankful that all these happened. He broke up with me because he fought with my brother and he felt that I was siding my brother over him. He wanted me to break ties with my brother for him, which I could not. And so he left, as the victim, because in his opinion it is me who destroyed this relationship for choosing my brother. So ever since BU, things have gotten awkward between me and my brother, even know I dont blame him and i know he is not to be blamed for the BU. But I know that one day when i'm completely healed, I would be thankful to my brother for being the angel in my life for rescuing me from a toxic relationship that might do more damage if I had stayed on any longer. And I want to heal and reach that 'thankful' stage :)




Hi Pingo,

Thanks aloot for your validation and reassurance :) It really is nice to read how you've progress, and that gives me hope and something to look forward too. The lightness in steps, the falling asleep peaceful, these are what I've achieved thus far.   But waking up is still hard because i still dream about him more often than not and it is still slightly painful to wake up to no msges from him. But I know i am definitely healing... .slowly, but surely :) i'm glad to hear that you are 7 months out (congrats!) and pls keep sharing your success story, i'm sure you'll help to inspire many other who are still healing. |iiii

I am not sure if I am in or out... .the feeling of the herd of elephants had sat down on my hear and my soul is gone, for that I am thankful. But now, I have been in obsessive pursuit of answers some of which prove elusive: why did she do this? Why did she do that? Will this ever happen. Will that ever happen? Its an odd thing for me and something that I had never done before (a function of the way she did it; abruptly and without warning). It seems to be some intellectual rumination... .I spend a lot of time here reading and sharing.

I too question myself. What is it I need now? I still wake up and say wow, what happened, still not here. Then I realize it is over. Then I have a pit in my stomach and remind myself yes it is over. What to do today to keep busy? Weekends are hard. Friday night I like to stay home. I watch tv and veg. Saturday night I go to a movie with friends or stay home. Just still lonely not being a couple. Limbo stage. Remembering some good. some bad and on the tight rope afraid to fall off.

Time to move on yet not quite ready yet.

I have heard nothing but he is with replacement and moving on. Hates me I am the creator of all his problems.

Me, I go out, I went to a play tonight. It was great but no hand to hold. Just me with friends and that is starting to get old. How to date and how to date are the problem... .

Hi

For me life after FOG has been when I have been able to really focus on and come to terms with my own issues. It's taken a long time but now my time is spent reading about issues that relate to me rather than just BPD. I've finally  been able to do concrete things like change addresses on insurance etc that have helped me accept the relationship is over and not flip out or panic. I guess that's what jhkbuzz was referring to "the final irrevocable good bye" , some thing I have been afraid to say and not wanted to say but have now been able to say. I've felt a sense of sadness and freedom and peace as I have done these things.  

What Parisian said about being thankful, I'm not thankful in that way but what I am so thankful for is the freedom to make my own decisions without fear of the consequences. I decided to go to the shops a few days ago and I felt 10 feet high to make the decision to go with no fear of consequences, no one was going to analyse what I decided to do on the spur of the moment, no one was going to flip out, rage at me etc. That freedom to be me is some thing I hope I never ever take for granted but appreciate and am thankful for every day for the rest of my life.

I've wondered the same questions about staying on this board but I'm finding I'm still learning from it, even though I'm out of the FOG. I still come to this board quite a bit but I find different things are clicking with me. Threads that I couldn't relate to previously I'm relating to now, and learning from. Other threads I read and I feel such compassion for the persons pain but I can see I was there once but not any longer. Maybe I am still seeking validation but its validation for a different stage in my journey and as long as I'm going forward and learning I've figured its OK. Plus after having no validation for so long its kinda nice to get validation. It's kinda nice to give validation to others also, a way of saying thanks for being there when I needed help so badly.

Piggy backing off of Pingo. For me, a great change has been getting through a weekend without panic, longing and anxiety for her. Thats been so refreshing to me that she no longer really rents that much space any longer in my head. Still comes and goes, but Ive passed the weekend test!

I've noticed the same thing!  I read posts from people that are fresh out of their r/s and the pain is so raw... .I feel for them at the same time that I'm grateful that I'm not still in that stage.  I read posts from people who are moving forward and examining themselves and they resonate with me now (when several months ago I would have skipped over them).  All good signs, methinks... .

I struggled with this as well.  It's funny because usually I can answer the onslaught of questions my brain is throwing at me.  If I can't I resign myself to the fact I will never have an actual answer, a truthful one anyways.   In part, I think this is my brains way of healing.  Rather than shutting down and turning to mush, it is still trying to go through the motions.  Tears excrete the poison that plagued our hearts, but the churning of the mind only strengthens it. 

Like a massive weight has been lifted.  Each day that goes by, the load gets lighter and lighter.  A r/s with someone with a Cluster B PD is exhausting mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Looking back, I can see clear instances in which I felt overburdened - almost like the life was being squeezed out of me.

The focus has become more about myself than trying to decipher or pinpoint all of the crazy.  I've accepted her for what she is - disordered.  I can't fix it. She doesn't need me anymore and I certainly don't need her anymore.  I think that's a big shift considering I (and most of us) seem to blame ourselves for what happened or are blamed by our partners for what happened - as if we didn't do enough to make things work.  

The questions that I face everyday have shifted from questions like "why did she do this to me?" to "what made me stay and endure abuse?"  I think answering both of these types of questions are important because we need some semblance of an explanation at first, so reading, researching, therapy, these boards, etc. are ways for us to try to make sense of it all.  I also think that most of us are conditioned to put our partners before us so we are used to talking/thinking/worrying/caretaking our partners, otherwise the r/s wouldn't have even started as we would have been an unsuitable supply.  

But I think answering questions like the latter is more important and effectual for us nons to be able to grow and become healthy again.  And that's only possible once you are able to get out of the FOG of b/u.  The focus becomes less and less about our partners and more and more about us.  Figuring out what our own needs are and how to meet those needs in a healthy way is our biggest and most difficult task.  Getting to that point becomes more feasible as the fog recedes.  

I resonate with all of you who finds surviving weekend the toughest... just like today, even though I have a slumber party with my girlfriends n having quite a considerable amt of fun, somehow i still feel really lonely inside n miss him. Heard some news about him, actually those news doen't even relate to our r/s or his love life but somehow it brings me intense grief...  perhaps it makes me realize that he's no longer the same guy that I know anymore, and it just makes me realize how much we've drifted. Today is definitely one of those days that I'm so close to breaking NC and fantasing abt begging him back.

Being out of FOG certainly doesn't mean u'll stop missing someone.

I too find I am looking at different areas on the board. I am learning about myself and very grateful I do not have the anxiety I carried for so long. Being hacked into set me back but pictures on my computer are not as important as my sanity.

Thanks all of you. Too bad we have all had to go through this pain to realize we are not alone and can help one another through our experiences.

I'm glad to hear of some semblance of sanity coming back after a period of time. My life changed drastically prior to Christmas. What a holiday . It was drama and blame all at a time we should have been enjoying family time . Oh yah that's with a normal person . I feel bad to the bone that she did this to me and our kids. Then tells everyone she left because we were in a toxic relationship ... .Go figure talk about crazy ? She decides during a holiday to break us up when there's not a issue even going on other than what Christmas party to go to? Then decides to drudge up every problem for 2 weeks straight while on oxycodone for a kidney stone. She changed on narcotics ? Anyway I'm at the one month mark of being done w and NC since the 15th. I need to read posts like this to know there's hope:)

What do you feel after FOG?  Everything.  All the way.  At first it seemed overwhelming, but also good to feel my own feelings again, without being questioned and doubting myself.  And then a gratitude showed up for a return to life as I knew it before her, but different; everything crackled with vibrancy.  We value things more when we lose them and get them back, something to look forward to.

I'm almost 10 months post-breakup, and it's very nice to be free of the obsessive thoughts, ruminations, despair.

Member 2010 had a post about the BPD r/s aftermath that really helped me--

There are several phases to the aftermath of a symbiotic relationship with a person who has an unstable sense of self. These occur with periods of malignant hope for return offset by uncertainty. Hope vs uncertainty causes bargaining and obsession. When this phase fails, anger arises, splitting former symbiotic enmeshment into good and bad. Splitting is useful for ego protection, but now this is about who you are underneath the ego. When you realize the person you split is also object of your desire, the next phase is frustration, despair, and loss. This is the 'depressive position' - a fight against abandonment depression. All the mind's way of keeping that lost object alive and refusing to let go. In working through depressive anxiety, projections are withdrawn.

Looking back, I can see exactly when I went through these phases. Although I didn't quite go in that order. The bargaining/obsession were the first few weeks after the b/u, and then I began to turn those obsessive thoughts towards myself instead of towards him, to figure out just what the hell I was doing in my life. I completely broke down, deconstructed myself, had a crazy amazing ego death/awakening experience.

And then I got angry and went into a deep depression. I always have to be different.  

I've been out of my depressive episode for about 3 months, and it's lovely to feel like me again. I still have bad days, but they're very few and far between now. I have always been, at heart, a content person. Along with keeping journals and therapy, posting here helps "ground" me.