BPDFamily.com

My kids father, who I am separated from was recently diagnosed BPD, and just a few weeks ago started cognitive therapy.

His behaviour has always been unpredictable. I have tried to be civil and accommodating but have seen continued emotional and verbal abuse to our kids D 13 and S11. The next day he behaves like nothing happened. Even claims it didnt happened, seems truly not to remember.

Two years on from our separation, when I walked out because of his hurtful behaviour towards D 13, it continues just as before. I know he is having therapy, which seems to be on his good days as henis determined to win me back. But Ive seen no change and am sick and disgusted by how often he still makes D13 cry, and how he seems to gang up against her with S11, who himself is confused and angry.

When ever I try to enforce boundaries he tries to worm his way around them. I am so furious with him I just need some space. Dont feel like I can forgive him.

Can I go LC now, would I be credible?

How do you go LC, do I just do it, or announce it by email?

How often do you talk now?

We probably meet a couple of times a week, one or two phone calls, not much is said apart for kids arrangements, but at the slightest thing he will start raging, there is probably a crisis situation about every month, till he sees me again and pretend nothing hapoened.

When you say "meet" do you mean that you "see" him a couple times a week? Do you only talk on the phone or do you text sometimes too? email?

Can you give an example of something that has set him off recently?

Yes we see each other, usually at kid exchanges, never by himself.

We text Whatsapp and email, phone is rare, he goes through periods of not answering, and not calling me but calling kids to ask me about plans...

Example of triggering... .was at work on Wednesday and the kids were with him after school,mfirat day back after holidays. They had lots of homework to catch up on. My daughter was worried about music so I said i would come home from work early and she could come over to mine so I could help her.

My car has broken down so it took me 2 hours to get home on public transport from the city, but I was home. I was 20 mins or so late so I rang exBPD to ask him to give her a lift to mine. He said he wasnt at home, he had gone to his gym about 5 km away.

I said I couldnt believe he had left S11 and D 13 to go to gym when they needed help and D was supposed to come to mine.

In the end he went back to them, gave them dinner, then arrived with both at mine at 9.45pm. I stayed calm and said he shouldnt have gone to the gym, he went ballistic, so did my daughter, she was hysterical and crying that he hadnt brought her to mine at 8. He stormed out and left all three of us crying. So thats what happens if I object to behaviour I dont agree with, he cant take any slight criticism.

Yes, a pwBPD does not take to criticism very well. It's a bit of a shame generator and really does cause a lot of defensive coping mechanisms to kick in (blame, anger, projection).

Do you think there is a way to accept that his parenting is just going to be different then yours - that some areas of his parenting are just going to be lacking due to his BPD diagnosis?

I really do mean that in a kind way - I say "different" because I try so hard not to judge too harshly on the parenting skills of the mama in my life with the disorder. It's counterproductive and leaves me frustrated.

I think it just helps sometimes to lower our expectations, so we don't get in these mindsets where we are upset that the disordered person in our life isn't living up to a standard that is almost fundamentally impossible for them to meet. I don't expect the pwBPD in my life to be making "wise" decisions as a constant... .because she doesn't have the skill set to make balanced choices all the time. That tends to be the case when a person isn't able to regulate emotions very well.

Have you seen this video? Video: Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html)  

It's short, but you'd be surprised how these simple steps that start with identifying your own frustrations and then responding in a different way helps lead the way in breaking the cycle of conflict.

I mean, we can only change how we handle this stuff, right?

I understand what you say, I wish it was just a question of parenting skills... .Im afraid its verbal abuse to me and emotional and verbal abuse of D13 and splitting, favouriting S11 who recently has a lot of anger and imitates his father by bullying his sister. It worries me a lot  how its affecting them emotionally. I just try to show them love and perhaps coping skills. But Im fed up of seeingnhis erratic behaviour and seeing the fallout thats why I want to restrict how much contact we have.

Makes sense. 

Well I sent the email and was quite surprised but relieved at his reaction. He sent me a very civil brief email saying he was sorry for the words I had said, but not to worry and that he would be with the kids as usual from Monday to Wednesday.

That was showing real maturity which I have rarely seen! BUT he didnt show up this morning to take our daughter to see her new school as he had told her he would. And my son has been ringing him all day but he hasnt answered the phone. Thats worrying, knowing him he does tend to manipulate us into worrying, especially when I know he's been hurt, doing a "disappearing act".