BPDFamily.com

I didnt sleep last ight and I was trawling the forum for advice on how to instigate and maintain the most limited possible contact LC with my ex, father of my kids D 13 and S 11. He has just been diagnosed BPD after I and his sister asked him to go for tests at a centre for personality disorder.

In the two years since I left he has 3 days a week with the kids and they stay at his house, but there has been a constant up and down from reasonable behaviour to monstrous raging which is emotionally abusive to me and the kids. Im not posting this on the co-parenting board as Inthink it applies to anyone leaving a bod relationship, who like me has tried to be kind and understanding believing him to be ill/ or maybe just trying not to upset him... .I just wondered hiw others of you enforce this? What is the best way, announce in a brief email that I think we should not have any contact for a while other than emails relating to the kids? If I say this can I say why?

Can I say this decision is based on his last two episodes of raging at me at his house and mine in front of kids, and raging at D 13 and taking away her favourite xmas presents and telling her she hates him, and my daughter's pediatrician ringing to say she met mybex when he brought my daughter to see her and was concerned at his angry behaviour?

Should I just be vague and not give reasons?

Or should I say I am not prepared to tolerate your behaviour which is abusive and therefore I intend to have minimum contact, for the sake of giving calm and stability to my and the childrens lives?

I have read a lot about enforcing boundaries so will work on that... .its just not sure exactly how to set it in the first place. I guess it all comes down to Im scared of his reaction... .FOG!

Hi Cmjo,

I'm sorry for what you and your kids went through with his borderline rage and the xmas present. That must of been scary and sad!

I've had my ex blast me when I picked up the kids at exchanges. Not fun and she hasn't done this in quite some time. She had feelings of shame, guilt when she left and I was the persecutor. I think you left? His abandonment fears are triggered?

If he's doing this in front of the kids at exchanges I would say something and only once and leave. "I'm sorry. Separation can be difficult for people. I'm leaving if I'm treated this way". If he's raging, the best thing to do is leave him alone until he calms himself down and I would package the truth with SET COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0) and validate the kids after you've left.

I would suggest you carry a voice recorder in case he dissociates and says you were the one that had disproportionate anger. It may be something that you may need in court. I carry an voice recorder app on my phone called mini-recorder. What I like about it is that I can the lockscreen on and it continues to record and I can simply upload the recording the cloud after I stop it. I use my voice recorder at every pick-up and exchanges in case of.

I would send him a simple message, a boundary that you need to minimize contact and the conversation is to be about kids. I would communicate by e-mail as to leave an electronic paper-trail in case you need this in court. Document, document, document. I hope that helps.

Thanks, sent him the email earlier today. Have felt awful about it, but also maybe liberated its the first time Ive been so assertive. Am worried his Dad will ring me now to talk me out of it. But BPD himself rang my mobile just now, I didnt answer, if he has read the email the call would definitely have been horrendous and abusive. And I did say in the email I would prefer not to meet, or to telephone me. So again if he did read it by ringing he is deliberately taunting me that I cant tell him what to do! He would not reply by email, though he has in the past this has also often been abusive, then the next time hes humble and nice. I think I will also use the voice recorder, though I want to organize exchanges without going into his house if possible.

I will read more about SET, just in case I do have to interact with him.

Another question please, should I tell the kids? I asked him in the email not to show what I had written to the kids (like he showed them the lawyers letter last year) and not to talk about me to them. But im worried about a major extinction burst YET AGAIN and maybe should prepare them. My daughter will support me, my son will be very upset as he defends his Dad and hates to see him at rock bottom.

This is so awful, he has just started cognitive therapy and I helped get him into it and was going to support him and speak to his doctor, but anything I do to help him he still hurts me. I still think that he is very sick, and I want him to have therapy for himself and to be a better Dad.

Thank you Mutt!

Hey Cmjo,

Mutt has some pretty good suggestions, particularly that you document everything you can. I used to carry a small notebook that I would write a quick note on every interaction we had. Time, date, the nature of the interaction (exchanging the kids, phone call, etc.), and anything out of the ordinary that occurred (if there was a fight, if she was upset with the kids, etc.)

I also found that what helped with my ex was making the issue mine. When we had to limit our contact telling her something like, "I need to take a step back, this is really hard on me right now, so I'd appreciate if we could limit our contact to e-mails about the kids," came across a little less aggressive than "I want to limit our contact because your behavior is hurtful towards me and the kids".

Don't get me wrong, she would still get upset, but it her reaction wasn't nearly as bad because she didn't feel like I was attacking her.


Personally, I think it's right to talk to your kids about what's going on. This is going to have an effect on them as well, and they are probably going to have questions about what's going on. Now I'm not saying that you need to give them all the gory details of everything, but a heads up on what the new arrangement is going to be may help them cope with any changes that are coming.

I think making it clear that it's based on his actions is good, as takes the blame off of you.  And also gives him incentive to stop the madness, if he can.  You could also suggest that if he works on this, the situation may improve.

Hi Cmjo,

My kids are young. I explained it to them this way.

"You know how in school you have friends and sometimes your not friends with them and later on you become friends again? Mom and dad for now aren't friends but it doesn't mean we don't like each other." I explained it to them in a way that they understand and they took it well. They understand things are different with mom and dad and I didn't get into details with them.

I put a system in place to stop the bleeding and to end the conflict. I started from top and I'm trying to work to the bottom. Instead of co-parenting I started with parallel parenting and my goal is to work toward co-parenting instead of starting there which can be very difficult with a PD. She has gotten better because she understands my boundaries and I mean business and the transactions have been much better than a couple of years ago.

I'm less triggering when I respond in communications with SET or BIFF - it lessens the opportunities for conflict. Communication is easier for both sides, ambiguity gives chances for high-conflict personalities and PD's and perpetuates conflict, I make sure I'm very clear in my messages.

Here's another communication technique for email communique's

B.I.F.F. Technique for Email Communications (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0)