BPDFamily.com

My ex broke NC with me after 4 months last Saturday, i didnt reply, ive now found out that, she took her coil out and fell pregnant 2 months into her new relationship, shes been with him for 5 months.  Shes 25 has 2 childrem, on benefits and finished it with me because i wouldnt give her a baby.  what the heck is up with this person, why call me after 5 months NC that shes pregnant? She unblocked my number after 5 months to do so, what is her phychology behind this? Someone please!

You're asking a difficult question, because no one can "know" what she is thinking.

But this is what I do know:  if your ruminations about her motives lead you to get in touch with her, you will be pulled back into a whirlwind of chaos and pain that will set you back for a very long time.

One of my exes did the same thing a few years ago, we were having very LC at that time though. I didn't really phase me, I knew she was having a steady relationship and I was seeing someone else too. I guess she just didn't want me to find out from someone else and I find it rather considerate of her. So it could be just that, who knows. Why are you so distressed about it? did you not see it coming or are you still having feelings for your ex or maybe regrets that you denied her a baby?

She dumped me because i wouldnt give her a baby, her dayghter whos 3 is going to school full time next year, so i know this is all because she wants more benefits and refuses to work.  She planned a pregnancy with my replacment 2 months into their relationship, she got with him 3 weeks after we broke up.  Why would she unblock my mobile number to tell me shes pregnant after 4 months of NC? She blocked me on facebook and mobile, so why try amd contact me to say shes pregnant?

Need.  One way need.

I agree completely jhkbuzz's observations... .also please add triangulation to the list.

These people are very unbalanced and cause us a great amount of pain to those who become emotionally involved with them. They have no boundaries and unable to set any of their own.

You are trying to figure out the mind of a mentally ill person. There is no rational explanation.

I hope you can calm down and get centered and take care of you. I know exactly how you feel right now!

Im going to be blunt. Its not your circus, not your monkeys. Not your problem, she made the bed, she has to lie in it, and whatever other cliche' I can think of. I know your hurting, but you need to sever any and all ties with this lady. Your being lured back in and you need to stop it, now.

Do not allow yourself to be brought back into her problems because they are that... .her problems. She gave up that right to your empathy and guidance when she dumped you. Its very hard. Its still hard for me when I hear of problems my ex/gf has, but its not my problem anymore.

Hi jammo1989,

It must be hard to hear the news out of the blue and confusing she's telling you. I can relate. I think my ex may of told me to be nice. I also noticed it's been 24 months of being treated like bad person. She's being strange and treating me like a good person in the last couple of months.

I noticed a shift in the triangle, whereas I'm no longer persecutor and now rescuer and she's victim. She will either shift from persecutor, rescuer, victim and vice versa. I think she feels anxiety and stress from pregnancy or him or a combination of both. This may help.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187347.0;all

But why on earth would she unblock me after 5 months of NC and Face time me to tell me shes pregnant, this girl got pregnant in the 2nd month of her new relationship, so if shes truly moved on and happy, why break NC to tell me this?

As stated there could be any reason for her to contact you.

it could be triangulation. Could be she didnt want you finding out from someone else. It could even be her way of letting you know she has solved the problem of having another baby.  She may think the fact that you didnt want kids but where fine with her other two  meant that you wanted to be with her but not be a dad. By getting pregnant by someone else she has fixed things.

or she might have just missed you.

only she can really know what her thiught process was.

Is she happy? BPD is a persecution complex and the expectation of being persecuted. Deep in her psyche you are a stand-in for a punitive hypercritical parent. I was a stand-in for this punitive parent with my ex, much the same with her bf. It's entrenched in her subconsciousness.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=123984.msg1221875#msg1221875

The only reason that she has contacted you is that she needs something that your replacement cannot/will not provide

Jammo, I don't know that you are ever going to get a clear answer to this. She may not even consciously know why she has reached out to you. I think what is important is what this means to you. This has got to feel like a punch to the gut. Are you doing okay? How are you feeling about this news?

Jammo this sucks,

If you remember a couple of weeks past on Xmas day my ex called me after NC to tell me she had a crush on someone else! Whether it's cruelty, triangulation, whatever reason she has, it hurts you ands it's needless. I don't think you understand right now the huge bear trap you have just sidestepped. She is now 3rd time pregnant with someone else's child! You answered your own question, why she got pregnant. Do you want to raise 3 kids that aren't your own with an idle woman you don't trust.

I'm guessing you are 26 years old from the name. Seriously, you have sidestepped a land mine! You feel only pain now, but mark my words, this is actually the best news she an give and I think will speed up your healing. Do NOT go white knight now. Her mess. His mess. You are free. This is the shawshank moment - I assure you, there is light at the end of this stinking tunnel.

I agree with what Mutt is saying.  My ex hooked up and ran off to new supply. I was in total shock, devastated, vunerable and needy. It was so unexpected and abrupt. Of course she lied and said that there was no one else.  Hell it was right in the middle of the Holidays... .She tried to draw me into the triangle drama, eventually... .and was super abusive to me.   I did stick my head in the door a couple of times... .but in a couple of months I just slammed the door shut.

I was in SO MUCH pain... I would not wish it on anyone... .not even her. I lost her and her whole family. I don't have a family. The emotional pain was unbearable for me... .I guess it is just my make up.  I deeply cared about this person.

I almost committed suicide... .I went and got T, group T and self-help group.   It was a VERY long road for me... .and I NEVER gave in.  I went TOTAL NC.  TOTAL.   She has tried to contact me numerous times, even tried to just walk up to me in public places, playing victim (HOW SICK IS THAT after the way she treated me). She plays victim to lure me in... .to set the hook... .and then she will start abusing me.  To form the triangle that she thinks she controls.  I just won't even look at her.  The reason I don't is so that I am taking care of me. Protecting me. Loving me.   ... .and she is just left with knowing who she is.     There is nothing there for me but games and drama and pain.

Nothing.   As long as I stay away from the sickness ... .I can be well.  Hardcore... . When you have had enough pain... .you learn to take care of you... .(and believe me... .I still miss what I though that I had with her... .but she is NOT capable of anything close to healthy love. Its just a cunning trap).

Please stay out of their sick, cunning trap. Life is too short.

Thank you for all of your kind words and responses, this is the 1st time since the break up where I've cried, I just can't stop crying, how can someone get pregnant after 2 months with this new guy?

I worked out that her 3 year old starts school full time this year, so if she's not working her benefits get cut, so she timed it that she didn't have to work and get more money, benefits 100% I know I answered my own question, but how can someone be so evil and controlling, the fact she tried to Face Time me makes my blood boil, if she's pregnant and happy, why try and work your way back into my life! I've never felt this  sad until now!

I am very sorry that you are going though this... .I wish that I had the magic thing to say that would take the pain away... .but I can tell you that it DOES get better... .its slow and you have to actively work on healing... .but you WILL feel better

jammo, I am so sorry.   This is a very difficult, painful situation. It's completely understandable that you would be triggered and feeling emotional and overwhelmed.

I'm afraid there's no way to really know what your ex's motivations were in contacting you to tell you this. What really matters is how you're feeling.

Let yourself grieve, be sad, be angry... .whatever you're feeling, let yourself feel it. This is in no way a setback. This is part of healing and detaching. When you're in a less overwhelmed place and can process better, open yourself up to listening to what these feelings have been telling you. These experiences, painful as they are, are great tools to learn more about ourselves, if we choose to take that path.

But for right now, just focus on yourself and take care of yourself. And know that it gets better. 

From experience I can tell you that trying to figure out a mentally disturbed person will drive you crazy. I found out my wife wBPD was cheating a month after we were married. Trying to figure out the why's and wherefores drove me into the worst depression I've ever had. You already have your answer or you wouldn't be here. Good luck.

Planned, or was she feeling desperate and just made the move?

That can be a really fine line. Maybe she doesn't even know the answer.

Same as why contact you. Planned, or desperate? Or perhaps both?

jammo1989 the many know here  how you feel    The disorder is not fair by any means. 

I did nothing but support her over the last 2 years, I know this isn't done to hurt me, it's based on her wants and needs, I accepted being blocked and replaced instantly the best I could, no tears nothing, but this, a pregnancy 2 months into her new relationship! Yeah I get it, her youngest is going to school full time soon, so she needed to get pregnant to insure the new guy will always be in her life, and that she was desperate for a baby because her 2 best mates have recently just given birth as well.  This is why I was dumped, I wouldn't give her the 3rd baby she so desperately wanted from me. * I don't anybody's baby James I want yours* this is the biggest kick in the teeth ever.  This new guy is still doing a BTEC in college, where as i recently graduated, why the downgrade, is it for control because he seems the very emotional type, I don't know I just can't understand or justify a pregnancy 4 months after she was begging to have one with me.

One thing with some women with BPD is that they level out during pregnancy. It may be that she wants to be pregnant so she can feel normal and in control. My exgf was the opposite. When pregnant it was BPD x 10.

Sorry to have to say this mate but she may be rubbing in the fact her new boyfriend is giving her a baby when you refused - that is, just a way of saying your replacement is fit for purpose.  These people can be very nasty.  Stay NC.

Jammo,

I know you're in a lot of pain and I feel for you. But you also need to realize that you were given a GIFT. The gift of knowledge about your X and who she TRUELY is. She is a mentally sick person that can't help but ruin her life, her kids lives and any R/S she ends up with. You found out before you were caught in the trap.  I ENVY YOU! You're a young man you have time to heal from this and if you stay NC you will heal. Do some work on yourself to find out why you would want to play rescuer and neglect your own wellbeing. I would recommend seeing a T for your issues not hers. I don't mean this as a criticism of you but it's a fact that all of us on here didn't have healthy boundaries for ourselves and we all ignored the     That were warning us of the impending danger that lied ahead if we continued in a relationship with our pwBPD. I personally had NO healthy boundaries for myself as I was a young, immature and ignorant when I met my uBPDxw. It cost me BIG TIME! Now I'm about to turn 50 and I can't get rid of having a pwBPD in my life as my uBPDxw is mother to my 2 sons. I will always have a place in her twisted chaotic world of lies, manipulation, pain, infidelities, selfishness, etc,etc. I'm happy that I finally learned the truth and escaped as much as I could, I only wished I learned earlier before I was trapped. Don't throw this GIFT away my young friend... .stay NC and get healed. When you are healthy and understand what a healthy relationship is you will look back say "What was I thinking". You have plenty of time Jammo. Good luck to you!

MWC... .*)

Thank you for your kind words, this has really helped me a lot, my ex is also still married to her husband the man before me, so the new child will have the same surname as her other 2.  Neither of them work and have only been together 5 months, I have seen 1st hand how she messed her husbands head up while she was with me, and I can only see the same nasty woman with this new guy, she doesnt want to be alone and in control so a baby to her is the perfect way to not only keep this new guy in her life forever, but to also make sure that the baby will offer her attention whether the new guy is banished in the future or not, why are these woman so evil?

Yes it is evil what you describe. You have to come to the understanding of THAT IS WHO SHE IS ands she's not going to change. I know the break up is painful but if you had a friend in a similar situation what would your recommendation be to him? I think you would tell him to get out while he can.

Here is a link I found on healthy boundaries. I'm reading it and it is very helpful. Hope it helps.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=122547

MWC... .*)

Jammo... .yes... I believe so. Knowing that makes it worse for me though.

The way I see it with mine (think mind of 7-year-old child)... .I think because I had not asked her to marry me that she built up a huge resentment but never told me how angry she was.

She never sat down and had a heart to heart... .just built it up inside and started cheating on me to "get even"?   Then she abruptly ran off a week before Christmas with this guy and as she was doing it she turned into satan... .someone that I had never met... .but I saw plenty of signs of this behavior before I dated her directed at another innocent bystander (the last guy she was with).

So, if yours is like mine... it's the same behavior times ten with all the baby stuff thrown in. I think that your thinking is spot-on.

Ad to that... .they left so abruptly (yours immediately got pregnant... .and most likely tricked the guy to make THAT happen)... .but they never process the end of "our" relationship like two loving adults would who can't get their relationship to work out. There is no adult discussion and normal closure.

So they have all this new drama going on but I think that underneath they have the pain of our unprocessed discarding and it comes out toward us as love reversed: hate.  Afterall we refused to buy them that doll they saw in the window! Super immature ( very sick).

It is brutal on us... we did not understand the person we were involved with. Not even close.

We were too wrapped up in who they wanted us to think they were. That person was not who they ACTUALLY are.

You are finding that out now. I feel for you brother. Just try to stay NC, learn and heal.

Thanks for your response Infared, I think their mentality isnt based on the needs of the child or their partner, but the needs of themselves.  For example, I think your right if they want something from you and they dont get it, they will get it from someone else, in my case a 3rd child to add to the chaos.  Shes almost saying " If you dont want a baby with me, (insert name) will" I honestly think when we say no to these requests, they dont use rational thinking like financial stability, environment and future, but instead they feel an intense rejection as if to say "Oh so im not worthy or good enough to have your baby then?" This then leads to an intense hate towards us and by doing so will act out impulsively or silence us by cutting all ties.  I also think that when the next guy who lacks control happily impregnates her she doesnt think about the future of the relationship but instead it soothes the rejection they felt towards our decisions.  This is probably why she is happy to get pregnant so soon knowing full well that life is almost guaranteed to be a struggle with a new child because both of them know they cant provide for it financially, and this in turn means more benefits to keep them both a float.   

You could be right... one thing for sure... .whatever the conversation was going on in their heads... .we were not included... .and THAT never bodes well for any relationship.   :)