BPDFamily.com

I want badly to leave. The hook that keeps me is how badly I feel for the fact that he's ill. It's incredibly unfair that he has this illness and he actually works pretty hard at DBT. But it's still awful and scary and terribly isolating. The chaos and verbal abuse are too much for me.

We've been married for 12 years and I'm just now finally doing co-dependency work and admitting to myself that I'm miserable.

My question to those who have left: how did you overcome the guilt and sadness to actually leave this very ill person?

Hi Susan. This is a difficult situation. My short answer is you matter too. Having to deal with chaos and verbal abuse takes it's toll over time.

Have you considered a separation? Time for you? It's not unusual to take a break in these situations to gain some emotional distance so you can decide what you want your future to look like.

one life.

I'll answer for my SO... .anger

It's hard but for me he made it impossible to stay. I was going insane, panic/anxiety attacks and I knew if I didn't go I would fall into a heap and that would be it for me. Self preservation is why I left.

I liked Suzn's thoughts - You matter too and maybe some distance and time out might give you room to think. It's so hard when you are in the middle of the chaos to put two rational thoughts together.

Take care x x

When the pain of staying hurt more than the pain of leaving. When I finally realized I have worth and value. When I wanted a positive and happy life. I couldn't have that with my exBPDg. You can have one with a BPD.

By realizing you didn't cause the disorder and you can't fix it, and also unless you take care of yourself first you'll have nothing to give.

I can't think of any circumstance in which feeling obligated and guilty has worked. And like someone else said, you've gotta make sure you're happy or you will end up with nothing to give. I think that even with love, no especially with love, you've gotta be realistic. It's great to believe in fairy tales and passion and empathy, but if it can't work, it can't work. I'm sorry you've been abused and hope you feel better.

I struggle with the same question!  But what about you?  If you can love that much don't you deserve more of a return on your investment?   Yes you do!

I offered everything she needed to help create a better life for herself.

She won't even change for her own good. That's disordered.

She chose to end the relationship. I didn't leave/abandon her. But I've let go.

I left someone certifiably mentally ill and the guilt is enormous. With a pd person they can also add to that guilt by manipulating you and telling you that thinking about your own well being is utterly selfish and you should only consider them or your vows and like a brain washed person (and on some level I think I became that, I didn't understand that I am separate and whole and not responsible for her) you become more guilty.

These are unhealthy enmeshments, if they won't look after themselves then why should we? I married an equal, I thought, I ended up with a child. Who was A+ at guilt tripping (as small children are when they want a toy).

When it becomes a matter of you or them I had to leave. My world was falling apart, plus she was violent and threatening, impulsive and financially wreckless. I should have left long long before I did, if I'd been paying attention and not 2 weeks out of a 5 year relationship, I'd not get involved.

Susan, I spent 18 long years feeling sorry and worried about my husband and what he would do without me.  I don't feel that way now because I've seen how well he will adapt without me.  I completely understand how narcissists and borderline people operate.

All you need to do is pack your bags and go rent a room some place for a week and I would bet that your husband would hook up with all sorts of new friends, family etc...   It took me a long time to realize that I'm nothing more than a ' thing' to him and that he would dispose of me so quickly without shedding a tear.

Don't under estimate his ability to survive.  Remember, he found you and there are other suckers out there who will fall hook line and sinker just like we did.  They are masters at charming, gleaning sympathy and empathy and nurturing from others. They will always get their basic needs met by someone.

It's sad that anyone has this disease and I admit that I'm angry at his negligent parents who created his mental illness but I'm not a doctor, nurse or other care-giver and he's not MY patient.  We deserve someone who is emotionally available to champion our lives, not burden us with daily turmoil. 

Susan, I waited too long and I'm paying dearly.  I'm 53, having to start over with no money, no security, no job.  I know you will decide to do whatever it is that you FEEL best but I hope you can be objective enough to fully realize that your welfare is going to be exponentially undermined every single day that you stay.  Please take care of you.  YOU are the only person who will be there for you in the end and if you stay, you run the risk of ' losing yourself' and not being able to get back on your feet.  That's what happened to me.   

It was a matter of life or death.  He would either eventually hurt me or I would end up getting very sick from the level of anxiety I was living with every single day. 

After we BU I learned about the cycle of abuse.  I learned how to separate the mental illness from the abuse.  No one deserves to be abused.  No one has the entitlement to abuse, ill or not.

For me it was easier because everything I read told me that there was nothing I could do. And she was quite scary. And I had to think about how it all was affecting not only me, but my family and friends as well. And at some point I started to grow a spine, and develop some self-worth. I began to wonder why her feelings were more important than mine. Why sacrifice myself for her? Why is she worth more than me? We're all just meatbags on a rock hurling through space. Plus a pattern had emerged (push-pull, running off with other guys) and I just got tired of it. I began to see all her attempts at manipulation clearly. I hardened my heart because I had to.

I guess in your case it's complicated by the fact that he is actually trying DBT. I guess you've read up on methods of dealing with his illness? No one should blame you for leaving, either way.

There is NO excuse for abuse what so ever! You shouldnt have to accept abuse! Im sorry if I am harsh and maybe a little fierce on this... But: a pedofile has a mental illness to, do we allow children around them before they get treament because we can use the illness as excuse? I know weird comparison and maybe its comparing oranges with pears... .But the basics are the same.

Every person deserves to be in a safe, non abusive environment. If your boundaries are crossed in such a fundamental way, its time to think things through. I stayed with my dBPDexbf to, he was in T, but quit after a couple of sessions with weird accusations about his T (lies). What I was doing was sacrificing my own health for his, but he wasnt getting better (although he made it look like he was trying). I had a melt down, burn out, couldnt work had to go on sick leave. I couldnt drive, I couldnt read, I was soo tired all the time! But he didnt stop the drama. He kept pounding on me anyway and I had to decide to put my own health before his, before I'd really become suicidal. At the time it seemed like the worst thing I could ever do! We were suppose to get married in a month! I felt really guilty, but I left after yet another stupid rage episode. And you know what? I stayed for soo long trying and feeling so guilty... .Worrying that he may break down or  worse... .He had a replacement a week later and seemed happier then ever. And there I was... .A mess.


I agree about the separation. Maybe if he is really working hard, give him time and space to work on himself for him. Also, you need to work on you for you! If its meant to be you can come back together when the time is right. You have just one life, you deserve to be respected and most of all to feel safe in the relationship you choose.

Im really sorry you are struggling, I've been there and it really sucks.

Sending you strenght and big hugs

"How do you leave somebody so ill?"

Because I was ill too... .in fact, at the end I was very ill, psychologically and physically.

Remember:  change nothing, and nothing changes.