BPDFamily.com

Part of my experience is struggling with a lack of being able to appropriately respond emotionally.  Something that my BPD mother was unable to teach me.  I find that small triggers set off bigger emotional chain reactions and chaotic thoughts (specifically with my partner).  I struggle to decipher what I should let go because it is irrational and will pass (and sharing would not serve me or the other person) and what to express in order to make sure my needs are met and my emotions heard.  Often I do not express things that are important and instead hold them in until they explode.  A habit my partner and parents (dad/step-mom) wishes I would let go (as do I).  My responses include a mix of placing blame, enforcing distance (and increasing resentment), apologizing profusely, lack of clarity in my words and trying to play it cool.  Not knowing leads to anxiety which leads to a need to control.  I fear a crazy response will lead to abandonment.  My desire is an open heart, clarity in communication, and a focus on peace instead of being right.  My patterns are very BPD reminiscent but I always have an awareness of them.

Do others experience this?  :)o you find that part of your BPD legacy is confusion in how to process and communicate emotion?  

Hi fridaluna.  I do struggle with the same things.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I learned to shut down to protect myself and also my sense of when I am reaching my limit is all out of whack.  Growing up, any time I did express an emotion of any kind, it had such far reaching effects, especially if it was a more negative emotion.  Not only did it set my mother off but she somehow took my emotions over... .they became hers and then things got really crazy.  So yeah, I get confused and I also will hold things in until they come out unexpectedly or sideways. 


Fear of abandonment, loss of friendships and the love of another are, I think, fairly common with those of us raised in a BPD environment. I am not sure how to work on this other than to say you just need to take a leap and trust that your partner and other family members will hear you while trying to just accept in your own head that you are scared and you do fear abandonment.  One thing I will ask myself is 'what's the worst that can happen?' and usually the answer is that it is nothing I can't handle.  That coupled with an awareness that I may actually drive people away by not speaking up and then exploding helps me take that leap.  Do you trust that your partner and family are being genuine when they say they want you to speak up rather than hold things in?  I think part of overcoming the fear is learning to trust ourselves.   Knowing we *can* handle things even if they get all messed up... .

I don't know if that helped or not, and I hope other people can jump in with better advice or specific techniques to work on this.  I mostly just wanted to say that I am with you on this.  I don't think it makes us crazy.  I think it is a normal reaction to a crazy upbringing and now that those reactions no longer serve us, we can change them.  I have changed them, but not enough.  But I know there is hope.

Good to see you here BTW!

Hi fridaluna,


Oh, boy, does this sound familiar! Yes! I went through the same problems with my emotions. It seemed as if I had two emotions, sadness and anger. When the anger did finally explode, it was not a pretty site. I cringe when I think of some of the past behaviors that I carried forward from my uBPDmom. I, too, was far too afraid to tell the person what I was truly feeling and thinking for fear of rejection or retaliation.


Absolutely understand where you are coming from here. It was my strong desire also. Here are some of the things I did to help to learn to tap into a large range of emotions and learn how to express it without the rage or feeling as if I had just swallowed a bad pill.

I was introduced to Cognitive Behavior Therapy by a friend who was a therapist. I realized that I had many negative messages swirling around in my head and would ruminate for days over a conversation. Once I learned how to replace the negative messages with positive ones, or even normalizing ones, the messages seemed to fade in intensity. I won't say that they have completely gone, but when they do arise, I can quickly dispel them and then move on. Some of the messages I used were: "Everybody has said something they thought later was dumb." "I have heard people make statements that I thought were ridiculous, so I am like everyone else." Now, I wouldn't say these statements in reference to someone who clearly had mental health issues, only those people that I respected and admired for their level-headed approach to all situations. I also used positive affirmation statements, such as: "I am a good person." "I have something valuable to offer."

I also saw a therapist to help navigate some of the trauma from my childhood. Once I was able to frame the abuse in the proper perspective (that I was not responsible for the abuse, or for  my parents actions), then I was able to start to experience new emotions that just didn't exist in my repertoire. I practiced and talked through situations with my therapist. I also learned not to take everything a person said and did as a personal attack. This was the hardest hurdle for me, because I felt as if I was always on the defensive as a child. My mom would yell at me and demand that I explain my actions. In all reality, I was just acting as any kid would, there was not a hidden agenda as my mother perceived it.

I read a lot of different books and philosophies to help me to understand how I came to be in such a family. I watched every episode of John Bradshaw's series on the family. This was a huge eye-opener for me. I couldn't believe how many people were damaged by their families. I didn't feel so isolated as a result, and I found a way to express exactly what I had felt and experienced. You can find his series on Youtube at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2tZa1gp8Q&list=PL8370480DEC1FC455.

This has been a long process for me, but the end result is that I feel more balanced and centered than I ever have in my life. I don't seem to react emotionally to most situations that I would have in the past. I can tell someone now if I don't like what they are saying or doing, without any fear that they will retaliate, or that I can't handle the situation.

Harri gave you some excellent advice:
Once you can identify what you are feeling and feel safe in expressing it in appropriate way, you will feel more confident to continue doing so.

Wishing you all the best on your journey! 

Hi again.  I just want to say thank you to clljhns for mentioning John Bradshaw.  I had read his books a few years ago but I guess it wasn't the right time.  I just spent some time watching his series on healing that shame that binds you on youtube and it has helped me to understand a few things i have been working on lately.    I think I am going to buy the book too as I think it is a good investment for me right now.  Thanks again!   :)

Harri,

Glad you found it helpful! I just love his series! He is right on target!

Be well.  :)