BPDFamily.com

I've posted on here once before, basically stating I am in a relationship with my girlfriend who has BPD. She knows it, accepts it, receives therapy for it, and is even a mental health expert herself and does it for a living... .all that being said I feel like I have a huge advantage over some people that post here and feel helpless... .

However, I do have a hard time dealing with what I consider to be her reading into things to much. We could be having a conversation and she can pick out one word and take it the wrong way, and automatically assume it means something negative towards her. One example would be the other day I was talking on the phone with my friend and she overheard our conversation. My friend said she thinks " I should marry my girlfriend", but that I shouldn't do it while we are gone on vacation in a couple months. I responded by saying " I know I should, but it won't happen when we are gone away."

My GF took that conversation and automatically assumed that I am never going to ask her to marry her or that she will have to wait forever. That was not once stated in my conversation and it seems to me like it was a total fabrication. It ended up bothering her and having a negative effect on our whole evening afterwards. This is just one example of how something that seems so minor to me can become a huge deal for the both of us.

Is this normal? How do you guys cope with this? It really bothers me but I want to figure out a way to minimize its effect on me.

She heard... . I know I should, but it won't happen when we are gone away.

What she expected was... .I'm so in love, I really look forward to the day we are married.

Likely there is some growing insecurity and your words triggered it. It might be normal insecurity and she is over reacting or it may be a bigger issue.

The answer may be in how you responded to her challenge. How did you respond to her?

I've been there. 

It's a skill I've hated having to learn, my dBPDw has had the same kind of conversation.  If I say "not today", it's been taken to mean "not ever".  they hear "not" and everything after that is filtered.  I've learned to speak very generally around her.  When she wants to go to the city, and it's 8:00, I say how about we go tomorrow morning, then we're not rushed.  where I'd used to say, "But the mall closes at 9:00, by the time we get there we'll have only 30 minutes"  As that would be filtered to mean, I'm only giving her 30 minutes to do what she needs to do... .

It's kind of like validation, but I see this as more "Positive speaking" than "negative speaking".  and it's a skill I've learned helps with dealing with my dBPDw.  it seems that when she hears the word "no" her brain stops processing the rest.  I think it has a lot to do with the black and white thinking.  Hearing no puts that idea in the black category, and thus she'll fight it.  but saying no in a positive way she never hears that no, and it pushes it forward in a fairly normal way.  In a way it's funny, because I talk like this, my daughter, who's 4, has told grandpa that ":)addy never says no to me"  when in fact it's just I'm telling her no the same way I tell my wife no... .by saying yes to something first and brushing the no aside... .

but Skip is right, she stopped listening after the "but it won't happen".  I've found pwBPD tend to be experts at picking out words in a conversation and fixating on them.  And it tends to be what triggers them that determines what triggers them.  Fixating on the negative is my dBPDw's trigger.  and a lot of that has to deal with a very bad abusive relationship she had.  basically he wouldn't let her do anything and his "no" would end up with physical violence.  Heck when she worked up courage to leave, he came home early and ended up sending her to the hospital because of her injures... .so being told "no" is a very bad thing in her world, so she fights back hardcore... .  As abandoment issues seem to be a big part of BPD, it's entirely possible that by saying, "... .it won't happen... ." that triggered her in a way that both negativity and abandoment issues were triggered simultaneously.  in her mind it became you would never marry her... ."I should marry her, but it won't ever happen", or "I should marry her, but I won't"... .this can lead to all different kinds of thoughts after that, like are you stringing her along if you're never going to marry her... .What is she doing in this relationship?  Where is this relationship going if it's not leading to marriage... .etc.  I learned to deal with it by any conversations about her or with her, I avoid "no"  if it is something that I have to say no to, I give it what I call a "delayed yes".  a "We'll see," or a "Let's see how this month goes and we can look at it next month".  Sometimes it goes away othertimes I have to deal with it later... .  But by then I've had more time to think of a tactful way to say no... .

And as I said I've carried this on to other interactions, and it's not that bad.  once it becomes habit, it's easy.

Thanks for the replies guys... .

I responded to her by saying that my friend was talking about "marriage" and not an engagement and went on to talk about how both of our families would be disappointed if we went and got married alone. She said she just automatically thought that by saying we wouldn't get married there, I meant nothing was going to happen when we are there... .no engagement or nothing.

She keeps saying that she's "ready" for the next step but since I haven't asked her that I must not have the same feelings towards her. It can be frustrating at times and sometimes I feel totally clueless on how to respond... .