BPDFamily.com

I know a lot of us are dealing with the emotional aftereffects of a relationship with a BPD. What about the other things we have lost? Here is your chance to list them.

I lost:

$12,000

A place to stay with my brother

Damaged credit

Added Debt

What I lost was insanity and I'm not complaining.

What did I lose?  I am over 20 grand in debt, lost personal items he wouldn't return and I had to go out and replace... .All worth it in the end to gain my sanity back!

I lost... .

All the money I spent on her gifts which was a lot.

Bought her a ring I gave her for her birthday while I was being replaced so that's gone.

Had to cancel her phone line which was around 300

Lost two years of my life.

Lost close to 10000 miles on my car, she didn't drive.

Lost gas money driving her around.

I paid for everything so lost that money too.

Lost trust in people in general.

Lost the ability to love again.

Lost my sanity.

Lost my health.

Lost who I thought was the love of my life.

Lost my appetite.

Lost my confidence.

My dignity which I think I'm getting back. My heart got severely stomped on which is more complicated. I gave her some money for this and that and I regret it now but it hardly broke the bank. I have my house, my business, my investments and my job intact. I am one of the lucky ones in that respect.

I lost my fear of saying no.

I lost the delusion that everything that happened was her fault.

I lost a lot of naivety.

I lost any ability I had prior to blame anyone for my ignorance. (Not stupidity but ignorance, there's a difference)

I lost the ability to think I had to be perfect.

I lost the ability to lie to myself.

(This list is much, much longer than this actually. I'd have to include ALL the lessons I've learned)

As far as the debt I incurred, you see, my debt is mine. My credit was mine to protect and I didn't do that.

I like you perspective on it Suzn  |iiii

I lost a lot of drama, stress and problems

I lost a selfcentered a-hole, lying and cheating, raging and complaining

I lost the need to always be overly kind, nice and supportive to people who dont reciprocate

I lost a hellish future with nothing but stress and BS

I also lost € 20K, but bought insight, freedom and a valuable life lesson with it!

I lost thinking in fairytales and gained persective of "the now"

I lost my urge to fix problems that arent mine to fix

I lost my naive beliefs that people are mostly kind and good


What I hope (will) loose:

Anxiety

Curiousity what (who) he's doing

Low selfasteem

Old FOO issues that do not help me anymore

The need for validation of my wounds and pain

Me. I lost me.

I lost some of those things others have posted too.

But the really awesome thing is I get them back now because I ended the r/s. That means I don't lose anymore. I dread to think what if I had stayed in that r/s for longer! How much could I possibly have lost? Sometimes it scares me to think I might possibly have lost my life.

So, a big yay to everyone who is now out of a r/s with their BPD ... .

The breakup is the most horrible thing in the world, but we will get over it. We will feel better, much better. We just have to hold on until gradually we get to that much better place. And one day we will look back on the day we got away from that, and be thankful we didn't waste any more precious years of our lives on that.

:)

I know this post is about what you lost, but try re-framing it in a positive way, to what you have now gained.

I've gained:

peace

time to focus exclusively on my growth

less alcohol

less drama

no more abuse

time for my hobbies and interests

I've gained me back :)

I think I lost about $10,000 or so, over the course of 2.5 years.  For example, I need to resell the engagement ring at a much lower price than I paid for it.

She lost money directly too (e.g., wedding dress, gifts to me).  But her biggest loss is in the form of losing 2.5 years of prime time in the marriage market.  In this sense I think she lost a lot more than I did.   

I lost £100'000 maybe more on a house

But worse I lost my trust my best friend and my sense of relationship  security

"I gained"

A therapist

Depression

And mental suffering

I lost my self worth.

I lost someone I loved

I lost a part of me that I dont know if I will get back

I lost my way.

I'd like to echo Suzn and I would like also to add.

Sometimes you must lose everything to gain it again, and the regaining is the sweeter for the pain of loss.

I gained much more than lost.

I lost all the money I spent to go visit him out of state - about 5K in 3 years

I lost my savings twice, as could not work due to illness caused by stress - 6K

I damaged my health and regained it several times - now sick again - need to regain

I also gained 20 pounds and several wrinkles... .need to lose those!

I lost several friends, one was my mentor - she was offended by my behavior and did not understand I was hanging in there by a thread trying to juggle the crazy - some of the friends have come back, the mentor has not.

I lost a lot of time that should have gone into my work, juggling crisis situations and silent treatments and dramas of all kinds... .I was off balance for 3 years in hindsight.

Right now still grieving so it may be too soon to see what I have gained... .but so far

A deep understanding of psychological disorders and emotionally abusive relationships and the damage they can do and the pull they have - hence knowledge and compassion for others in same shoes.

A deep understanding of my own abandonment issues from early childhood, which I did not know ran this deep and were so influential in my choices of partners and my inability to walk away from things that wound me.

The relationship with his son and being a family, which even if gone now, I am grateful for. Maybe the little kiddo will come find me one day and we can be close when he is an adult. He is now 11 years old.

I am stronger, my boundaries are stronger, I can sniff BS a mile away. I lost the naive and hopeful part of me, but maybe I am wiser now. One day I will get back my loving self. Right now I am too injured.

A re-commitment to my life and my projects and my work, which is valuable work.

And some of my friends are reconnecting too, the ones that could not stand to see me go through this.

Thats the best I can do for now.

Tangible losses:

My marriage

1 of my 2 dogs, whom I love dearly.

$4300 (I view this as go away money) + all the trips and material possessions accumulated along the way (6 year r/s, 2 year marriage)

Her family, some of whom I was very close to

Intangible/personal losses:

Self-esteem, though I'm starting to suspect this was lost a while ago

My partner, or at least my ideation of a lifelong partner

Someone that I cared deeply for

Someone that at times, could make me feel superhuman

Someone that at times, made me feel very loved

Someone that at times, accepted me for who I was

Someone that at times, could be so excited to be in my life and to be a part of it

Someone that I would have done anything for, all of the time.


What I gained:

The most intense hurt I've ever felt

A therapist

Retirement from caretaking a grown woman

A second chance to find someone that will love and accept me all of the time

Old friendships that were lost (there just wasn't enough time)

An opportunity to look at myself

An end to the abuse

A permanent vacation from the push/pull, up and down, rollercoaster life with someone with a PD

Freedom

Hmm, good question.

- Thousands of euros on city trips, expensive hotels, jewelry, stuff for her pets, drinks at the pub, countless diners (almost 1 time a week). I want to make a point of that she didn't ask for all of it, but I tried to recapture that idolizing phase of the beginning. It only worked for a short while each time.

- Almost my job. In one of our countless split-ups, I was depressed at home for more than a month. I was the editor in chief of a website and lost that position because of it. After that, she came back. I worked 2 hard years to get back on top in my field and I am there now, and even though we are seperated again, I have no intention of losing it again.

- My social skills. I was extremely social before I met her, I knew so many people in my town. I would go out and I would be constantly saying hi and having small talks. She liked that in me, I think, but she just wanted to destroy that in me eventually, until we were hermits in our home. She wanted my attention all for herself.

- To continue on that, some friends. Not all of them thankfully.

- Part of my identity. Now that I'm 7,5 weeks out, I feel like I lost some of what made me... .well, me. Its hard to find that back, and it is going to be a long progress.

- My independence. I am SO used to asking for permission for stuff now and checking if I'm doing the right thing. Contacting her at least a few times a day to ask if I'm allowed to do something or if I'm doing the right thing. It gives me anxiety to go somewhere alone or to walk the streets alone. I'm not used to it anymore.

- A part of my health, no doubt. This relationship made me truly a chain smoker, almost 2 packs a day, and my eating habits have become terrible. On the flipside, in the last year of our relationship to be more away from her (as we were living together by then), I started working out more, so that's a plus. I'm doing that again now.

- 4,5 years. Painful, as I'm now 30. I could have been 26 with the world at my feet. There were so many girls interested in me, but I neglected them all because they didn't gave me that same intense feeling as my ex.

Probably around $40k.

Lost Sense of self that I'm regaining.

Lost belief of "falling in love" and "happily ever after" bull___.

Lost friends who used to call me to hang out and now she's got me painted black.

Lost my weight. Now about 235 pounds on a 195 pound frame.

Lost belief in unicorns. That there is a supermodel with the heart of Mother Theresa. (doesn't exist)

Lost time where I might have found a good woman to settle with.

Gained,

Independence.

Knowledge of personality disorders. Knowledge of setting boundaries.

Knowledge of what is mine to control and what isn't my responsibility.

Knowing you can't "fix" people. And the word "help" and "fix" are sometimes the same thing.

Feeling that i can do whatever i want, whenever i want. Without the fear of "checking in"

No fear of the life ahead of me. (thank god we didn't have children together)

No fear of blow ups.

Being true to myself, and real with myself. No denial or "Giving it time until it gets better"

A new lease on life.

Many of the losses I have suffered are temporary/ephemeral in nature (money, self-esteem, health, etc) and can be rebuilt with time and effort.  As such, I don't feel the need to count them.  They are all temporary and can be regained (have been regained).

The losses I count are those that are permanent.  Those that cannot be regained/replaced.  In total, there are three.

1.  I lost years of quality time with my family.  Instead of appreciating the precious time with loved ones, I spent my time worrying about her reactions to situations and at times isolated myself from family.  For those still alive, I have time to try and recoup some of the loss.  However, in the case of the three who passed away (grandma/aunt/uncle) during my decade long relationship, there is no replacing the lost time.

2.  I lost (at least for the last decade) the friends that meant the world to me.  In the last decade, I have failed the two people that matter most to me on several occasions.  All in the name of maintaining a relationship with my ex.  Each showed time and again that when I needed them, they would be there for me.  However, when each needed me, I wasn't there.  The sad thing is, I know both will welcome me back in the blink of an eye, but I still haven't brought myself to call either since my marriage failed.  Maybe one of these days, I'll manage the strength to do it.

3.  I lost the goals I once had.  I've done well in life, have a good job, and have done alright for myself financially (even considering the money lost to her).  The problem is, my intent was never to succeed in business.  My original goals were academic in nature.  Turns out, graduate studies and a high stress BPD relationship don't work so well together.  So a decade removed from what I thought was a temporary hiatus, the words of Robert Frost ring true: "Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back."

I lost myself . I don't know where I went .

I felt like my life for 4 years was a lie.

I lost a family I have no relations with my step daughter just ended in a abrupt walk out.

I lost my pride because she humiliated us in every way nothing was done with discretion .

She had credit cards I didn't she blames me for debt during our relationship when she herself was part of all purchases that were made. Usually car repairs , mini vacations she needed, just basic things if we didn't have cash.

I was called a thief when she left and she told others I was a thief . A word never used in our home ever but now I am.

So I lost all things we had jointly within 3 days including gym membership po box car ins and trash cans ( yes she even shut down my trash service)

She wanted me to suffer.

She wanted all things in our house no negotiation just threats and verbal bashing which I stayed peaceful and on a Buisness level .

I lost my desire to defend and react to her.

I also loss her lame ex husband who was always lingering around triggering her.

She of course is using him now after she dumped him in a moment 4 years ago when she met me .

I'm at a loss yes.

But I'm also noticing I'm sleeping at night more than ever.

I think I will gain myself back

Good luck to the next sucker

Lost:

My family home

My best friend

Financial security

My dreams of the future

Gains:

Peace

A sense of calm

Developing self confidence

A sense of what I like and don't like

My original family - Mum, Dad, brother

Am now a participant in life rather than a bystander

Personal growth - A better understanding of myself

FREEDOM!

So far my biggest loss has been the fact that he is in the house with my doggies and I miss being with them daily.

And I miss the relationship with one of my grown daughters who has sided with him (but he does tell way better stories than me.)

But unlike some others, I've lost no weight. (dammit.)

I'm gaining some small control over triggers from the complex ptsd I have from both the marriage and my childhood, and that's a good thing.

i'm starting to see my future as a good thing rather than a thing to be endured and "made the best of."

 The only thing i gained on this list was i am less naieve about people who trifle with emotions call it innocence or the ability to trust peolple if you will an would sorey like it back oh yeah i Lost heaps of other stuff to

I lost NOTHING physically ... .no money, property etc. she left everything that we bought together. She just packed all of her belongings and bolted to the new guy. Actually she left an attic full of her crap that I had the responsibility of painfully getting rid of.

Oh... the only thing she asked me to take was the Sony Play Station.

Isn't that what a 7th-grader would take?

She did take my trust in the opposite sex with her... .and THANKFULLY I never got it back!

I was married 23 years. This coming April, I will have been divorced for 3 years.

I have a laundry list of things I lost, especially materially, but why count money now?

I consider my biggest loss as time. I wish I would have even half that time back. I'm recouping most of my other losses.

The point here is that for those that have decided to leave, keep the momentum going and don't look back. Recycling, hesitation, and second thoughts can waste precious years.

For me it doesn't matter the gifts, the time, the caring... .

What I lost that really matters it was "myself".

I want that back!

Same here.

Yeah... .you said it. I used to be this happy, fun-loving carefree guy. I still am... .but I do it alone and just have this background sadness inside. Been through therapy, group therapy and continued self- help group... .but it doesn't change. I save my heart for me. ... .not going thru that Hell ever again. Where did the old me go?

I potentially lost a lot. I only pushed back against the *VERY* small amount and rationalization he had for paying as little as possible in child support. I got some where in the middle, but I still could have gotten more.

Also, I messed up my credit when we were first separated for a year - part of it due to my stupidity, and part of it due to me using credit to pay for things he should have been helping out with but I didn't ask because you know what it's like asking a BPD for anything. I was always "taking advantage of him" or "getting one over on him". When I asked him to split a medical bill for our biological child one time for an emergency room visit, he refused, saying I didn't ask him if he THOUGHT she needed to go to the ER. Well, I told you I thought I needed to take her, and you didn't argue. 

Anyway. We got back together and we focused on paying HIS credit and HIS truck down, because his credit was good, and one of us should have good credit right? So after the divorce he had good credit, bought a Cadillac, kept his truck, kept his "hobby" trailer (more like an RV). I could have fought for half of all that, he still hasn't transferred me my portion of the 401K, I gave him the timeshare after I realized what a battle it would be every other year to negotiate with him (even though sharing it is in our divorce agreement). I'd willingly (and I guess I did) PAY MONEY to not be in the same house with him. Now I still have 5 years until my kids are out of high school and I can STOP having to deal with this man, at least on a MUCH lessened basis.

I lost the opporutnity to be an everyday part of my first born's life and heck the opporutnity to raise her with a decent woman as part of a real family.

I lost 3 years of my life that i can never get back. Throughout the 3 years it was the same cycle (after the initial 6 months of love bombing): peace, she'd do something crazy, spend some time apart, get back together, repeat.

I lost my clean name. The BPDx had me arrested on false domestic violence accusations 4 times. Although i came out of my ordeal without a criminal record and without having to spend a penny in lawyers, given that i have a rather unique name, the information is out there in the public domain and easily attainable by anyone that just does a little digging.

I lost my apartment. Because of the BPDx's false DV allegations, an Order of Protection was issued. This means she gets to stay in my apartment and i still have to pay for it. I had to move back with my parents for a year.

I lost the trust i had in people. Never would i think that someone that professes to love you so much could do the unspeakable things this woman did to me.

I lost my identity, sanity and self-respect for a while but fortunatley i have all that back now.

You are not alone here.  We understand.  I feel the same way.


How easy is it for them to pull this?  What exactly do they claim?  Did you get baited first, or what it just totally out of thin air?  Mine didn't do this to me, but she threatened it once.

Ruthlessly selfish: power and control.  I have seen it happen to others.

Money can't buy what we lost. Trust is priceless . I will be happy if there ever is a day I won't feel like I'm suspicious and scared of being vulnerable . We didn't lose if we are away from this now. I'm suffering its part of the process of a r/s ending . I read a post and I like thier description of their ex BPD ... .Zombie .

Yes a zombie no life in them looking for another host to prey on. I wised up and my ex started to become transparent during her episodes.

She will find another and the conflict will be going on.

Im not engage in conflict that is going no where.

It's the def of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I mean mine left me because of the word " Hun"

She would say that's controlling .

My therapist said its actually sweet to say that.

It was a need of mine to be spoken with kindness .

They don't like for filling needs even small ones .

First go round was about 30 yrs ago... we were talking marriage and suddenly she dumped me without explanation and showed up hanging on a neighbor a few weeks later. I was devastated... thought she was the love of my life. I sold my house, gave away my business to the employees, and moved 1500 miles away to keep from either murder or suicide.  So I lost all my friends, the town I grew up in, my career and pretty much my family.

25 years later, I get on FB, and who should contact me... my exBPDgf, saying she had to tell me the real reason she dumped me, please talk to her on the phone... .I did and 4 months later, was getting a divorce... .so second round... .1/2 of everything I own (divorce)... loss of the marriage I ended, loss the trust of my daughter (very hurt by whole thing)... as well as losing two jobs (my BPDgf called as many as 30 times in a day!) I spent a lot of money on her ... was repaid with being painted black, and us splitting/recycling 6-8 times.

I gained... .a therapist (for the PTSD I gained in the r/s), insight that she was not my dreamgirl, but my worse nightmare. She still cyberstalks... after 30+ yrs.

It is hard to imagine the devastation one sorta cute gal could wreak to your life.

WOW!  That is the craziest tale I ever heard. Thanks for reinforcing my adult decision to NEVER open a FakeBook account.   Can I ask?... .what made you go back? ... .what line of psycho nonsense did you buy into... .I ask so if I am ever confronted with that situation that I can have more safe information to keep my perspective.

What I LOST  during my 20yrs with uBPDXW:

*Sight of a lot of   

*Touch with reality

*Self Respect

*Control

*20yrs of my life

*Sleep

*Respect from my In-Laws

*The Truth

What I lost after my uBPDxw left me and the kids:

* The FOG that surrounded me

*Insanity

*Innocence

*Trust in women (no offense ladies)

*40LBS... .:)

*A life filled with lies

*Infidelity

*My home (in process of selling)

*Ford Expedition... .:)

*$35,000 in the divorce

*My Kids innocence (forced to grow up quickly)

*My Respect for my uBPDxw!

What I gained:

*My faith in God through Christ

*A new relationship with my in-laws (We were able to expose the lies my uBPDxw told about them and me)

*Physical Health and well being

*True Happiness

*A better outlook on life

*True Friends

And Best Of All... .PEACE!

MWC... .*)

Thanks for sharing this.  In some minor way we are positively contributing to the world by sharing our BPD stories.  It is appreciated.  

She lost a loving, caring man to her and her 5 kids. Saddens me.

None of the material stuff that I lost really matters. I can always get some of those things back.

The thing I regret losing the most is... .time.

Lost my happiness!

It's very very easy for any woman, BPD or not, to have a man arrested for DV. All it takes is an accusation and them filing out a report and the way the laws are set up the police HAVE to arrest you. Then it's up to you in court to prove your innocence. No matter how much the evidence (or lack thereof) point to the allegations being completley BS, in most instances the prosecution will not drop the charges and you will have to keep going back to court until the speedy trial (in my state they really aren't speedy) provisions expire which in my case was close to two years for all 4 charges. The worst part about it is that she suffers no consiquences for making a false statement. She could makeup something else tomorrow and the DA's office would once again maliciously prosecute me.

Thank you for sharing this.  I am maintaining absolute NC to avoid her following through on her threat to file a false DV charge.  It is so sick that someone would do this to her "best friend"/soulmate/provider.

After all that time I thought I was 100% over her... but, on hearing her voice... it was instant, 100% of the feelings were back. Confused me to no end... realize why now. When you get love bombed and mirrored by them you form a primary bond... not a normal one... its like a baby with its mother. A GF from 20 yrs ago will get you a yawn... .but if you lost a parent and got them back... you would accept them fully in a moment. Bad thing is they are not a parent, they are a mistaken primary bond. Boy did it cost me. First time I didn't know she was BPD or even what that was, she was about 20 and didn't have a long history of failed relationships... .but second go round... the red flags were clearer.

I was devastated losing her long ago... and had no intention of getting a divorce or anything of the sort... but it was overwhelmingly powerful. Felt alive, sun was brighter, birds were singing... .it was all dreamy... .like a magic spell. It wasn't reality based... it was emotional stuff from way back (I thought from my 20's... .but it was from my first few years of life. So... I tried to make it work, spent 3 yrs doing the BPD battle dances... she told me she was diagnosed BPD in grad school... and then that she tried to get the T's licensing pulled. Told me of the 3 marriages, the annulment and 2 divorces, of the 7 engagements, 2 STD's... .and so on. Anyway, after spending a few years in hell I finally had it, accepted that she was in fact disordered ... and it would never work. Went NC and with T, am doing better... .but it sucks.

I put her on a pedestal, thought she was a dream and she was a nightmare. She still tries to contact me... last time I had contact, she wanted moral support while getting surgery for an STD she picked up with the rebound guy. I lost a lot ... .for so little.

Till this whole experience I thought I was pretty sharp and successful... .but it has humbled me. Never again.

Thanks for the openness charred(love the name! ).

Hmmmm... I have never heard of forming a primary bond with a love partner like you are saying... .this could describe the longing that I have for my ex. How does that happen... did you learn about this in your therapy?

Some of the many techniques used by BPD is to assume a parenting roll on some levels an take the place of a parent they literally have every trick in the book to hook you those into schema would say its the punitave parent mode or such basically if they see an opertunity they take it

Like a lot of people... I was searching for answers... one that most puzzled me is why after all those years I still felt anything at all for her. With other GF's... very little. Dated a lot, dumped gals and was dumped by others ones... and none had same effect on me. My mother is horrible with young children... her mother died when she was 5, she has two younger siblings she had to raise... her father left her with her grandparents following her mother's death, and it all clearly traumatized her... .suspect she is waif BPD. So... I didn't have much unconditional love as a tiny kid... and the mirroring/love bombing... .was something I didn't know I desperately had needed.

Read a lot and each theory of why the BPD breakup was so devastating... .fell flat. Was seeing a T and he pointed out a number of ways that I had been dealing with some of my own attachment issues... .thought I was ADHD, but insecure attachment fit the symptoms better. Reading on developmental psychology... .the importance and means of primary attachments was discussed(love bombing, mirroring... as signs of unconditional love), and it dawned on me that the way the sex turned creepy with my BPDgf (had some odd undertones I didn't like... that it was done for effect not enjoyment, and it seemed odd, like I was doing Mary Poppins or something)... suddenly made sense. At the surface I didn't see my BPDgf as mommy... but she chastised me and acted like a controlling parent at time... moralized and acted like a over the top mother interacting with a kid. What I had taken for being passionate emotionalism... was more like mirroring between a toddler and mother. Losing her, wasn't losing a pain in the neck... .it shook me to my very core... and I hadn't been able to understand why. Five years after she first dumped me she was still often on my mind, it was a decade before she had faded out of mind.

I am in my 50's now, and many of my friends have lost one or both of their parents... and the reaction is the same. If someone told you to snap out of it, jump back in the saddle and get back to living in response to the loss of a parent... you would think they were crazy. The split with the BPDgf was like that... .I was going through deep grief stages... like the loss of "the perfect idealized parent" I never had.  Then 25 or so years later I hear her voice and it was 100% back... all the feelings for her, the confusion it had ended with... and the only explanation that explains the deep suffering... really explains it, is transference ... .we accept them with a primary bond... like it is unconditional love... .and it isn't.

After figuring that out I found other writings along same lines... .posts from 2010 hit on it for instance... search out member 2010 and read all you can, excellent stuff.

It is not going to be a popular theory... that we are crazy about our BPD S0... because they are a mommy substitute, to fill a hole in our soul, and we are seeking sex with someone that is developmentally at about a 2-3yr old level. An ego takes a giant hit trying to accept that... but all I can say is ... the truth hurts, and understanding it doesn't fix the situation. The situation is that we were walking wounded, denied it, and kept it hidden, till they came along and found the wound and pulled the scab off, exposing the infection and inflaming all the nerves we had deadened and tried to block.

Charred... .thanks for taking the time to explain that... .I think that our mothers had similar traits regarding small children.  No touchy-feely love with mine... .no hugs, never any verbal "I love you's" etc. (If I went to a neighbors house I got REALLY a uncomfortable and confuse when the parents showed healthy affection to each other)... and she definitely had her own "special" wackiness and issues (don't we al!)... .don't know if it was BPD, though.  I think if we are of a certain genetic build (emotionally sensitive), mothers like that can be very damaging to us. My parents were both there, stayed together and I always knew that I was loved and provided for... .but I always had that emotional hole. As there was no "warmth" in my home... .although my Dad exuded some. (I am an alcoholic in recovery... .I believe that my alcoholism and my senditivity are genetic- my Father's father was a fall-down drunk)... .So... that all being said I think I resemble partly what you are describing.  I never had the Mary Poppins thing going on... .I was always sexually attracted to my ex and she was quite a bit younger that me... .so I never had a physical mother manifestation going on... .but I think during the mirroring phase (which kind of lasted through a 5-year relationship until she found new supply), her needy, codependent gush filled that hole in my soul like no other.  Unfortunately, that was not "really" her... so ... when she flicked the switch on me and ran her game on newboy. I got nada... it was like the power company came and put the padlock on the power supply.  It was EXTREMELY a brutal for me to lose "Mother's Milk".  

In my pain after the abandonment... .my Mom was old and starting to die... and I was in therapy, going to AA mtgs. and working... but since I was all alone... .I was REALLY a able to show up for her.   ... .with what I had going on... .a mentor set a spark in me... .that "hey... .maybe your Mom can be different if you are different"... which kind of sucked LOL!... .because that meant I had to try to give her what she could not give me.  I got really brave one night at the nursing home and told her that I loved her and touched her face and her hair with my hand and it was like I ignighted a sun... .her whole demeanor changed... she lit up... .and I was able to enjoy this connected warm relationship with her until she died. It was AMAZING! When she passed... .I was at peace. Totally in acceptance and gratitude... .almost no grieving!

So... .at least my ex gave me that by discarding me!... .not that she would know or care... .Kind of sad... .but it's her loss!

For starters MWC, SHUT UP! lol lol

i'm so pleased for what you've gained--my r/s with God has kept me together through this process as He has shown me incredible Clarity each step of the way.


Christin5433

OH MY GOODNESS! I moved in with a long time friend because it was inexpensive and I felt i'd stayed with my daughters for long enough. SHE SAID I WAS TRYING TO CONTROL HER WHEN I BOUGHT NEW TRASHBINS FOR THE KITCHEN! We can't make this stuff up, right? Everything I did was in an effort to control her, according to her. If I cleaned, if I made room for my stuff in the bathroom... .I was to blame for her unhappiness, her anger, her everything. She was the straight-up dysfunction of my uBPDh but without the charm my h could have from time to time! Clearly my "picker" has been out of true for a long time... .The third person in my Trifecta of Cray-Cray is another long time friend who recently emailed me to say "Even though we don't agree on other things right now, I know you can understand this thing my mother did to me... ." This translates to "Even though I know you made the wrong choice in leaving your marriage" (we haven't lived in the same state for 15 years so she has no idea what I've been going through!) "so I refuse to support you, please support me anyway while I as a 58 year old woman whine about my mommy!" BAD PICKER! BAD FRIENDS! Not my friends anymore.


Just WOW.

This is a line of thinking I had not really explored. I think it fits me as well with my uBPDh. In a way he fit into a nurturing role in the beginning--one thing I loved about him was that he would actually listen to me talk and accept me and my quirks. One "quirk" was a distrust of men due to my father being "handsy" with his daughters (less so with me than my sister, but still did) so I needed time to feel comfortable around him. And here comes some VVS--Very Vulnerable Stuff--I was entirely inexperienced with guys because of that, he was thrilled that I was a virgin and could, er, "show me the ways" of intimacy. And it was this very intimacy he withdrew totally in the past 4 years of living together in our marriage, even though he pretty much withdrew even light affection for the last decade.

I was a bit of a lost soul when we met, and in a way I felt he rescued me and was taking care of me. That sounds rather parental! My family was not affectionate at all, except the inappropriateness of my father. i'm very huggy and affectionate. So in a way it was like my uBPDh assumed almost a father role, teaching, guiding, providing. And then I started growing up, but our relationship never did.

And in a way his raging was lecturing me "to do better" by telling me how terrible I was and unsupportive and selfish and blah blah blah. Plus, speaking of pulling off scabs, he knew the trauma of my childhood and would push and push with his anger and his words until i'd flip into a trauma response where I was the terrified small child. I didn't know I had complex ptsd, I didn't totally understand the dynamics of what was happening, but he did it over and over and over to me, and continued trying until I left almost a year ago.

That's some trippy stuff!

I think what you both are describing is exactly what I experienced as well. Mother's milk.  That is what it was like.  The most incredibly loving, nurturing feeling I've only experienced giving birth to my own children.  And when my marriage ended it was the most excruciating pain, the pain of what I had run from and numbed all my life. The blessing of the r/s:  I couldn't run any more.  I finally grieved for what I never had.


Infared, what a beautiful story and how wonderful you got to have that moment and that closure.  Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry for your loss. 

Thanks Pingo... .yes... .you have to just take the good things and run with them sometimes.

I definitely I found that there is no connecting with my ex, though.  How do you connect with someone who tells nothing but lies?

Grieving what you never had is probably needed... seen a T, felt the loss. After 30 yrs of mostly off, but on/off r/s with my exBPDgf, and being NC for 2 yrs now... .she tried contact again yesterday.

Losing them is like losing a parent, but its confusing as they are not dead... more like a zombie that keeps stalking you, looking like someone you innocently cared for, but a scary creature none the less.