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Mine tends to 'sit it out' between relationships as opposed to finding an immediate replacement... .when not having a replacement, I have been wondering what her reaction would be to me moving on. Anyone with experience in the respect? It seems like the intuitive answer would be that they don't care and they wouldn't miss a beat about it.

I don't think there's a set answer.  It depends.  It depends on the pwBPD's feelings regarding the relationship at that point in time.  However, pwBPD generally don't like to feel "one upped" or not in control, so it probably wouldn't be taken well even if the pwBPD was hoping for the relationship to end anyway.  Also, my pwBPD seemed to keep tabs on exes and who they were dating, and seemed to have some anger regarding these thoughts.  Her mother (who also has BPD) would cyber stalk her ex-husbands and trash talk their new SOs to me. 

If you find a replacement, I would suggest not rubbing it in the pwBPD's face, because if the pwBPD reacts poorly to this news, you might be in danger.     

that sounds spot on... .I don't want to hurt mine though I am dating (no one special at this point, just a lot of first dates), I know that I will eventually meet someone and ride off into the sunset tomorrow or ten years from now... .she stalks me on FB so she will eventually know... .she also stalks me on dating sites which I have wondered might be the reason that she has remained angry at me (upon her return during one of our recycles, she told me how pissed off she was that I had gone back to online dating... .she didn't at all understand how I could have done that even though she had broken up with me... .).

Mine had similar logical reasoning shortcomings.  These people just have such disordered thinking.  

One day mine broke off our engagement by giving me the ring back, and then right after this got pissed that I wouldn't cancel plans I already had to meet with a buddy later that day, because she wanted me to keep her company all day in her apartment because she wasn't feeling well.  She was livid about wanting me to stay there and cancel my plans, even though she just dumped me.  I caved and cancelled on my buddy at the last minute, to stay there with her.  After a two-week split from her I decided to get back together with her, and at this point even her mom (also BPD) chewed me out for not wanting to stick around in my ex's apartment on that dump day (even though I did end up staying! -- I was simply the devil for having wanted to go).  You just can't make this stuff up.

The good thing for us Nons here is that we have identified that these folks cannot think properly and that we are not the problem, and that we should distance ourselves because it will never change.  

WOW! That's incredible... .is like you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't... .I am sure that it was uncomfortable being with her in the apartment after she just broke up... .what the?

I wonder if the story with mine and online dating was that the breakup was only temporary... .that it was her way of detaching so that she go into her corner and collect herself but just couldn't really express it that way... .I still think that there is some truth to that... .mine doesn't do the typical thing as far as BPD's are concerned... .it may explain why she thoguth that it was ME that was the villain for dating.

uPBDex wrote me a letter after several months no contact. Basically I broke up when after a year of dating he said he needed 2-5 more years living with his parents. So I broke up with him. In the email he told me how much I had hurt him by saying I wanted to date other people just because he wouldn't move in before he was ready. They want us to wait forever. He didn't want me. But didn't want anyone else to have me.

My partner's uBPDew was never calm and rational. She ended their marriage. He didn't date for a long time. When he met me she went crazy and had terrifyingly inappropriate public rages to try to scare me. She didn't want him. But didn't want anyone else to have him.

Well, it definitely seems like sometimes they push you away temporarily solely because they just can't handle some emotions -- and then want you back ASAP.  Also, sometimes they seem to push you away simply as a test to see if you really want out of the relationship -- and then they get pissed off if you walk away without fighting for the relationship.  Sometimes they don't even know why they are temporarily pushing people away.  Under these scenarios, the pwBPD would not want you to go off dating.

However, pwBPD have such disordered thinking, and, in my experience, pwBPD lie a lot and have double standards.  Accordingly, it's possible that the pwBPD immediately went on dating sites but at the same time accused you or blamed you for doing so.

A relationship with two Nons can be complicated, but with a BPD in the mix, who knows what the heck is going on?  I mean, honestly, sometimes mine would say "I am scarred that I'm pushing [girl friend's name] away right now and I don't know why I'm doing this."    

What are the chances that they are merely SAYING that they no longer want you... .but they are conflicted or, in fact, really do? Even when replaced. What if BPD drives them to b/u and it is against their will? Its only a guess on my part but would explain why they don't want anyone else to have us.

It has been driving me crazy... .I have considered all of these facets... .It's a test... .she wants me to chase her... .its temporary (the last ones were)... .she wants me to fight for her... .but given how she has cut me off and killed any means of contact (even called the cops when I tried), I have no way of doing the above (even if that is REALLY what she wants) unless I put myself squarely in the bulls eye of the law and on the wrong side.

I am pretty sure that me being on a dating site, among other things, is central to her sustained anger but I am stuck. I am screwed if I wait for her and I am screwed if I move on (at least as she is concerned).

She had had several live in boyfriends and claimed eminent marraige to the current one. ahe wanted to make my partner jealous. It frustrated me for a long time until my T told me that borderlines NEVER truly break up. They struggle so hard to make attachments that once they attach, they don't let go. But this does NOT make them a good partner. My ex bf and I broke up too many times to count. I thought he loved me in his way. I knew I didn't want this roller coaster of lack of commitment for the rest of my life. I feared ever finding a love that made me feel as I did on the "high" moments. But my partner now blows him away.

I read that about them in 'eggshells' ... .that the relationship might end, but the attachment never does... .hence the constant FB stalking and contact well into the future... .supports the idea that when they are replaced, that it upsets them even if they are with someone new!

I just posted to the Co--Parenting forum my own relevant situation. I am in my first relationship post separation and divorce (she found a replacement  during our marriage) and the kids have told XW about my new girlfriend. She immediately called me and demanded to know what the nature of my relationship is, when did it start, and ironically expressed concern about the kids' reaction. The kids love her, actually, and XW can see it. I predict that XW will cause trouble and try to sabotage our relationship. She is very jealous of me and the one time during our separation (while she was having an affair in my face) she suspected I was seeing someone (I wasn't, as unlike her I could not detach easily from someone to whom I was married for ten years) and literally threw up.

Wow... .thats incredible... .what do you think she did when she hung up? (besides throw up again).

Likely she is either fuming angry and/or throwing herself anew at the Replacement to assure herself that she is SO happy and that I am SO evil.

Milo! That's almos identical to the face to face double date my hubby's ex insisted on! She demanded to know when and where I had met the children and told me many times "I'm going to catch you in your lies." Then she started a smear campaign against me as a bad role model to his extended family. And each episode was triggered by me doing something loving for the children. My heart goes out to all of you.

I will say that it will take a strong and secure woman to handle it on a regular basis. But the truth is that if she is good for you and good for the kids nothing can undo that.

My XW actually did allude to the four of us "getting together for the sake of the children. My mouth just hung, aghast. Are you f-ing kidding me? Not gonna happen.

I know you are desperate to have her back but trying to 'decode' BPD is going to keep you busy for a long long time. If she breaks up with you, all you can do is respect her wishes and leave her alone. It's very difficult, I failed to do this during the first month of B/U, I contacted her twice, it did not go as I wanted.  When I broke up with her previous, I hated hearing from her during NC. She would bombard me and eventually the pain would build over weeks and I would take her back, after a day or three I would always regret it since she is crazy. Bottom line, if she doesn't want you around, don't be around. Do things for yourself.

You know, during some of our break ups, after a while, I started dating again, and she would get insane with jelousy. She would try to reengage, call me, text me, saying we belong together. Then once I wimpered off the date and she came over, she would be all cold and hard to get. That's my experience with it.

After the final break up, I've chosen to take some time for myself while she has a replacement now. It's okay - let her think that she has won this game. I'm working on myself to become a better person.

I've heard and seen first hand what my BPDgf is capable of when an ex finds another partner. I'm actually in conversation with one of her ex's girlfriends who sent me screenshots of the text messages she received. Not only that but BPDgf tried to convince her that bf was having an affair with her.

Right now, I'm still painted white and was called "babe" in a text this morning for the first time in almost 2 months. It makes it really difficult should things not work out and I ever do decide to date because I already have pwBPD baggage from previous marriage where she still keeps trying to contact me and had a vision of us finding each other and getting remarried as she was handing me the divorce papers.

BPDgf gets insanely jealous that I have communication with my exgf (eldest daughters mother) and with female friends. Was out last weekend with 2 of my female friends and there has been a mad scramble this week to try and get close again, even going as far as trying to invite herself over. Thing is, I'm still committed to BPDgf so wouldn't do anything that would hurt her but in the same respect, she pushed away so I'm not putting my life or friends on hold for her right now.

I want to see if I am understanding this properly: is the double date that you all are referring to meant, you suspect, as a quasi-romantic affair so that she can see you within the safety of the confines of your replacement and safely not jeopardizing that relationship while having the luxury of seeing you while being able to 'stalk' her replacement?

Mine told me early on I deserved to meet someone else and I would find another girl to buy our house with  told me even probably before she did (then found her on a dating website 10 weeks out ) I angrily called her out on this via text and have not heard anything since 24 days NC

She has blocked and defriended all my family and mutual friends so she has no ways to keep tabs on me .

She never goes back to x's just moved straight into new r/s

I was her longest and most serious r/s 6.5 years engaged


What do you think this means "guys" ?

As a newbie here, I might be biting off more than I can chew, so bear with me. Is there any reason why she is stalking you on FB, because FB does allow you to choose who sees your posts and your friends' posts, and I cannot see why she would be able to stalk you, to be honest? If you restrict everything you post to your friends only and don't allow yourself to be tagged, and don't allow search engines to index your posts (all in the setting section), what can she see? Surely she is not a FB friend still?

As for dating sites, I suggest rejoining under a totally new pseudonym with untraceable details and even Sherlock Holmes would have a hard time finding your identity. Hiding your identity on the Internet is not too hard if you think carefully about how you do it and think like the person who is trying to find out about you. Try to think like them. As long as you don't give away information to inquirers such as where you live (until you are 100% sure your inquirer is not your ex), then you can be safe.

I wish I could give you some clarity on this of some kind... .I just don't know... .mine did the same thing in blocking me, unfriending my friend and then asking her friends to do the same (and they DID!).

I was recycled 5 or 6 times by her and we never really talked about it after we got back together. So other than she would say that she 'needed to see someone' and that the b/e was very difficult for her, I have no insight into what they think or what is going on. Some people insist that they are a mess (even more so if YOU broke up or if they are going through therapy), some people BPD's replace you immediately (most it seems) while others seem to sit it out. Some return to you, some do not. Many of them end up falling apart while others grab the next one and seem to be doing fine.

I have conflicting information when it comes to everything but there DOES seem to be a typical composite and it is nothing that would make you and I feel any better: they never really loved us... .they never really think of us much after the fact... .they will recycle or attempt... .they almost always come back, sometimes annoyingly and sometimes frighteningly... .when they do, it is usually because there is some unmet need but it is not because of love as you and I know it.

She saw me because I had specifically set my profile to public (I am a minor, very minor) public figure where I live. I have since changed it to private for the time being as I understand that this has the effect of removing power from her and helps me during the NC period. As far as dating sites, there are usually only a handful of men in my city that are bachelors... .a search of my town for men will definitely yield me. And I don't intend to hide it.

I don't really care if she sees me or not. I really don't feel threatened and I don't post anything that is about her or disparaging to her in any way. Never have and I never will. But regardless of whether it is public or not, it still makes me scratch my head that while on the one hand she is filled with anger and rage and on the other, she is stalking my FB page. I know now that they never fully detach... .that they worked hard to attach themselves and now find it difficult to release... .forever as I understand. I have read episodes here that BPD's resurface after 1,2,5,and even 10 years.

Is anything a BPD does typical? Doesn't everything they seem to do sometimes appear to be typical?

I dunno. After all, I left mine -- she's convinced herself that I'm the one with the mental problems. I abandoned here, cold turkey, NC -- yeah, I guess I did. Only after trying two other times to end the relationship like an adult, and learning each time that there was no way to discuss anything with her. She literally refused to let something end that she didn't want to end. I had to just step away completely.

What would she do if she were to discover I was dating someone else? I dunno. First, she's been accusing me of doing that already. Couldn't be farther from the truth; seriously, after the number being in a r-ship with her did on my brain, the last thing I want right now is a serious r-ship. And, while we were together, she never stopped having ridiculous and completely unwarranted fits of jealousy over any interaction I had with anyone other than her, particularly other women. I've never met anyone as insecure as her in my entire life. No ability to trust -- and what do you have without trust?

If I had to guess, I'd say she'd probably flip her wig. 'Cuz that's what she does. I honestly hope she finds a new lover ASAP, because I'm pretty sure that's the only way she'll stop stalking me 24/7. And who knows? Maybe it would work out for her the next time. I'm cool with that. I don't wish her any ill will. I still want her to be happy. It's just not going to be in a r-ship with me.

how long since your b/u?

Why, oh why? I'm praying for mine to dump me or leave.  I'd actually be happy if I came home to her screwing another man.  Blissfully happy.

Going on 5 months, JRT.

Heh. Mine found a replacement (well, a few, actually), and I saw my chance to run. Of course, as soon as I showed signs of pulling away, her feelings for me became "really intense". I still walked, knowing better. Now she has revised history so that her trying to lure me back in never happened. Suits me. I just wanted out.

I've not read of any who 'sit it out' unless they simply can't get supply. Those who can, do. It's a disorder. My ex seemed to be devastated by our B/U's but when I read her phone near the end I could see she could turn it on and off depending g who she was talking to. There' were texts to me declaring undying love and begging me to take her back, but she wasn't communicating that to her friends or the guys she was 'sexting' as she described it. Sick.

thats incredible... .just when I thought that I had heard it all... .

Mine is fairly attractive... .although she became a bit overwieght, she would not have much of a problem meeting someone immediately. Still, I think that she is sitting it out at 4 months after b/u.

Interestingly, during one of our recycles (at the time I thought it was just a traditional breakup), after a couple of weeks went back on the dating site one which we met one another. When we recycled, she told me that she was (and still was) livid and infuriated that I would do such a thing. I, of course, asked her "well, why? You broke up with me?". She gave me a puzzled, 'Makes sense and I am totally confused because I am still angry' sort of look and never said any more about it.

I wonder if she might just be unique as a BPD in this respect. Where even though she had broken up, that her expectation was to return to the relationship once she got her head all together.

JRT --

Maybe. Who knows. What you describe is pretty much how my ex has treated me during break-ups -- as if she's the rational partner in this r-ship. So many emails and SM post where she portrays herself as a long-suffering partner who understands that I have some kind of "untreated neurological probelm" that causes me to have "fits" -- that she knows I made a rash decision, and that while she didn't approve of the "Silent Treatment" and it hurt her deeply, she would forgive me and accept me back when I finally came to my senses, because she loves me.

Never once did she ever admit that maybe her behaviors and continual emotional dysregulation could be reasons that someone would consider ending a r-ship with her. Never. And I grew tired of the whole 50/50 argument -- because it simply wasn't accurate, and she used it to diminish the impact of her illness on our ability to get along. I gave up.

So when I think of your an my case I wonder this: ok, they go on their distortion campaigns... .AGAIN. The effort is to convince all of those around her of her victim status at the hands of you and I. Except, just months earlier, we walked on water. AND, didn't this happen with the last guy, and the husband, and the guy before that? At what point do her family and friends say something to the effect of, "we love you... .but we heard this over and over again... .he might not be perfect, but you really need to ask yourself if it is not you". In other words: at what point do the smear campaigns become ineffectual for them. And THEN what happens.

I think that mine got to that point where everyone just rolled their eyes but still supported her. 

Good question.  Based on my experience and all the stories I've read, it seems like pwBPD don't keep many long-term friends who would be able to see this pattern.  My ex kept in close touch with only one family member, her BPD mom, so this only reinforced her ridiculous thoughts and behavior.  My ex had a difficult time keeping female friends, probably b/c she couldn't use them and they wouldn't put up with her narcissistic traits.  There were some male beta orbiters who I know are always eager to reinforce her claims that the alpha in her life was no good for her.  

In any event, if there was a rational person to set my ex straight, my ex wouldn't be able to accept the advice.  I know, because that was me.  When my ex would cut out her girl friends for the most ridiculous reasons, I would try to explain that these weren't good reasons to terminate a friendship -- but if I pushed too hard on this than I was also "the enemy".

I think the key takeaway here is that when entering a close friendship or romantic relationship with someone, pay attention to how many long-term friends and family members the person maintains normal relationships with.  If it's close to zero or these people are hidden from you, put your guard up.      

Interesting how hearing others stories are helpful in understanding our own!

Mine had really NO GF's to speak of... .at first. Then she slowly introduced them and her status with them. They were all jaundiced at some point; painted black by her for some reason. During our relationship, she slowly invited them back into her life, but kept them at arms length. We only went out socially with one of them and the night was a small disaster for my ex (they were all drunk and inattentive, she felt, to ME! I certainly didn't feel that way). Interestingly, that GF's husband dumped her for a tryst, #2 was a relationship loser, #3 had similar r/s issues as was #4 (who I believe was straight out mentally ill). Not one of them in a successful r/s to speak of.

Meanwhile her family was in similar disarray; Dad the alcoholic, Mom the co-dependent and all of her siblings teetering on the brink of divorce at any given time (her newlywed sister and husband in marriage counseling after a scant 6 months of marriage!).

I agree, JRT -- sharing is definitely the best way to de=flea ourselves.


If I've posted this before, forgive me for repeating myself. My ex had lots of acquaintances -- how she referred to them depended on whatever role she needed them to play to suit her present scenario/situation/etc. For example, she had lots of work colleagues, and she regularly referred to them as her friends -- but she never spent any social time with them outside the office. Also, while she claimed to have happy, healthy, long-term friendships outside of our r-ship, in the 3 years we were together, she spent no time with any of them -- and I only met two of them. She had lots of orbiters as well, but thought she could explain them away by saying they were guys she'd met while she was dating, but nothing serious had every happened, and they just kept in touch from time to time. Totally reasonable explanation -- except I wasn't entitled to the same level of reasonableness. Apparently, I was supposed to cut ties with every woman I've ever met, regardless of their status as ex, friend, colleague, network acquaintance, local merchant employee, barmaid, friend's wife, neighbor's daughter... .ugh.

JRT -- this --


Yep.

Tim300 -- lots of this rings true for my experiences:


And remember -- the support networks they assemble are temporary, and generally consist of people who don't really know them, or us. Easy for them to support someone, when they have no first-hand insight or experience with their mental illness.


Same here. And, yes -- the key is to maintain your perspective, be objective, and give new r-ships time to develop. And unfold. So that if they begin to unravel, you haven't become enmeshed, and you can walk away before they implode.

Incredible how they yours and mine seemed to have treated other relationships in the very same way. I am not thinking back... .mine had no relationships outside of her son coming into her meeting me... .no gf's were in her life at that time at all... .and she didn't have any comings and goings with co-workers either... .pardon if I already mentioned this but I wonder if her (then) 16 year old son acted as a surrogate husband/BF/GF/social network in some distorted kind of way? He was REALLY high maintenance I I wonder if she simply conditioned him to be chaos and in need of constant attention (he is the most psychologically disordered person I have ever met... .highly intelligent but entirely nonfunctional... .can't hold down a dishwasher job... .gets fired from them within a week or so). Hmmmmm... .

One of the reason my xBPDfiance left was because she now had "friends" and wanted more of a social life .

Since I knew her she had trouble maintaining or forming friendships .

Another thing her s/o was supposed to provide her with ... .

after the b/u half my friends and family told me they had been distant because of her lol

you mean that they had acted distant towards you?

Yes they didn't want to see me as much because of her ... .same with some friends gfs

Sad, in the way we somehow get some kind of chagrined validation out of this kind of feedback. I know I have.

All I know is when mine "thought" I might be seeing someone, I got tons of texts asking me and begging me to tell him if I was. Wanted to tell me the guy would be really lucky to have me... .wanted me happy even if he wasn't - his words! I told him it was none of his business. He said he wanted to hear it from me... .I said why, I found out you were in a new relationship on Facebook! I don't think they want to be replaced... .I ended u telling him I wasn't. Which I kinda wish I hadn't, but I don't like to lie. Actually, that's one thing he said as well... .I want you to be truthful with me... .I said, like you? He said no, like you... .lol  Pathological liar that he is! It is so ridiculous to me to have a GF in a matter of an instant. Really makes me wonder about her. Today she posted something about how to know you have found your "life partner"... .she is not  even divorced yet! Either is he! Half of the ways to know, she doesn't even realize are all lies and manipulation on his part! Why do I care?

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but could you elaborate on what happened after she gave the ring back? Mine ended with me going with n/c and trying to cope with the aftermath. Would love your input on how to make sense of it all (if it is even at all possible!)

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but could you elaborate on what happened after she gave the ring back? Mine ended with me going with n/c and trying to cope with the aftermath. Would love your input on how to make sense of it all (if it is even at all possible!)[/quote]
No worries at all Never... .I am happy to share what I know... .can you tell me m more of your story? Feel free to PM me... .I am happy to help in any way that I can.

My ex used to make fun of her ex-husband (a European) for marrying a Filipino woman. The hatred in her voice was remarkable... .she said, "he went for a subservient Asian after me because he cant handle a real woman". She followed that by saying... ."and you'll do the same". I think she meant that she damaged him so much that he took the easy route. When they had a baby her hateful tongue came out again.

As to how she feels about me being with a beautiful blonde European woman, I don't know seeing as I was discarded this time. I don't think she much cares but she sure does make a lot of false allegations to the police.

So I think there can be a variety of reactions and there may not be a "typical reaction" as such.