BPDFamily.com

5 1/2 months post b/u; 100 days N/C

So my exBPDgf accidentally had furniture shipped to my house a few days ago, but that's been resolved without any contact between us. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240880.0).

No more furniture has arrived... .instead, today's fun surprise was a "sorry we missed you" notice from the post office to my ex. It is, apparently, a certified letter from the State Dept. of Taxation (U.S). (no return address). Since it's a certified letter, it requires a signature.

I know this seems like a small issue, I just like to get advice before I make ANY decisions that involve my ex.

The options:

1.  Throw it away and hope that penalties and interest accrue on whatever taxes she owes.  :)  Just kidding on this one... .although, because I was the "responsible" one who always took care of ___ like this in our r/s, it irks me to have to deal with it at all.

2.  Put it in an envelope and mail it to her.  No return address, no additional info, no note - just the notice from the P.O.

3.  There is a box on the notice that says "refused."  I could check it off and put in back in my mailbox (I guess... .I don't really know how this works).

4. There is a box on the notice that says "forward."  I could provide a forwarding address (I guess?... .)

Keep in mind, although I have revenge fantasies like everyone else, I have consistently taken the high road and would like to continue to do so.

i'd do this. you're doing the right thing, and you needn't be in contact as the USPS will take care of it.

there is a spot to put in a forwarding address, is there?

There is an option 5.

Let your mailman know you are the only person living at your address. This way you are not tempted to commit a felony by tampering with someone else's mail.

You can either talk with your mailman in person or leave a note in your mailbox along with the notice you got today. You can also tape a label inside your mailbox with your name with the words "only deliver mail for jhkbuzz" at this address.

That's the thing... .there's not a clear place to put a forwarding address.  And I'm not even sure that a notice for a certified letter (that has to be signed for) can simply be forwarded like that. Any U.S.P.S. employees out there lol?

My dad is a mailman Mr Buzz. You are playing with fire here. Forwarding HER mail is not legal.

That's why I'm on here looking for ADVICE lol! I'm not sure what to do... .and it isn't an actual piece of mail; it's simply a notice telling me that they tried to deliver it (but no one was home to sign for it so they didn't leave it.)

oh! so they will try again for two days, and then return it to the sender. if that's the case, just do nothing.

A word of warning Buzz. If she has debts she can't pay and her name is on your address be careful so you don't get a surprise visit from bailiffs. I don't know this for sure but I've heard horror stories about people who've had the contents of their house emptied due to another persons debts and all for having them as tenants etc.

If I'm totally barking up the wrong tree here then good but if I were you I'd look it up to avoid a catching a cold.

If it requires a signature - maybe refuse to sign. If you do sign then you might be responsible for whatever it is getting to her. If it contains a fine etc you could potentially get caught in a web of lies about her not receiving it. I'd refuse to sign, say she doesn't live there anymore and you are no longer together. The PO will have a process in place to deal with that - it must be common with people moving.

Also maybe that is the supportive thing to do - you are allowing her to be responsible for her own mail and to face the consequences for any mistakes she is responsible for.

What I tend to do with mail that is not mine is put in clear letters across the front "Not at this address" and post it back.

However, that should be ok for any future post. I'm assuming from your post that a) You are not in possession of the letter since a signature is required in which case I would go with Suzn's option and notify your postman that you are the only occupant so any post not addressed to you should not be attempted to be delivered.

Likewise, should you be around when they attempt to deliver again, just explain that this is not for you to avoid any re-delivery attempts. If you aren't around, as Maxen says, do nothing and they will return it to sender.

I think you made the right call on the furniture delivery thread and I think you will likely make the right call again.  Kudos for taking the high road.

That said, I think you should contact the USPS and leave your ex out of it.  So long as you are free and clear from any financial repercussions, let her fight her own battles.  That's not your job anymore.  Whether you provide the forwarding address or not is your call, I think you are doing enough by simply informing the USPS that she is not at the address. 

As a somewhat relevant aside, I received a call earlier this month from my insurance company asking about my ex's car insurance policy.  Apparently she overdrafted or didn't set up payment correctly (this was the 2nd month of this bill for her) and they needed to get in touch with her.  I politely informed them after the 4th phone call that I no longer talk to her and to please reach out to her directly.  They said they had but hadn't gotten her yet - this was over the course of 3 or 4 days.  I told them that if she isn't responding, please contact her mother and provided them with her contact info (they're roomies now, both of them left their marriages within a month of each other.  It's cute.).  I also asked to be removed entirely from her account so that my numbers and name are no longer associated with her policy.  She's still driving a car around in her name but that's a battle for another day. 

Thanks for all the advice.  I don't have the letter; I was just trying to decide what to do with the notice. And I won't sign for it under any circumstances.

I know I could simply throw the notice away - but that doesn't sit well with my conscience.  I will let the mailman know that she doesn't live here any more and provide her forwarding address - although I do believe that the PO has it.  I don't know why I received this.

Thanks all! 

You handled that in a very adult fashion!  Google job!

I wonder if tables were turned how she would handle the same situation?

is this one of the slips with sticky at the top that was put on your door, or the brown slip that was put in your mailbox?

JHKbuzz,

Sounds like you took the high road again! Hope your still around when I need to sell my timeshare with my ex in April. I am sure I will need level headed advice! I am taking him off my Costco account next month when account needs to renew. I am in N/C so he will go to the store with his purchases and at check out be called to the customer service desk. Oh, well... All these triggers while getting things settled... .

Brown slip in the mailbox... .it the difference important?

Thanks!  :) Thankfully not feeling too triggered, just moving forward and trying to make healthy decisions that I'm proud of... .

not really. again, if you do nothing, it will go back to sender.

the suggestion to tell the PO that she is "no longer at this address" is a good one.

Right. So, why do anything? In the words of Dr Phil "how's that been workin for ya?"


I hope you don't mind jhkbuzz I'd like to point out that along with coming to these boards to heal we also, hopefully, glean some information on how to take care of and protect ourselves in the future. So let's just play with a scenario here to get a better idea of how something innocent, or in our minds considerate, could have an effect on US.

You were looking for a place to write a forwarding address on this notice. If it was actually forwarded by a postman, which it shouldn't be, like you said it is a government post. Nevertheless, it may be. She's gets it at her new place of residence. (I don't recall whether or not she is living with the replacement but let's just say she is in this scenario)

She's behind on her taxes you say? Hm, what are the chances this might embarrass her in front of her new guy? Well, what just happened here is what we commonly refer to around here as poking the bear. You see a bear doesn't care if you were being considerate placing food for them to eat, this is a female bear for my story, there are cubs nearby and you haven't seen them because the bear knows to hide them. That bear only sees you as a threat as does your ex right now. She's PI$$ED. Will she be mad at herself for not changing her address or not paying her taxes? Noo, she's mad at YOU.

The bear doesn't see you as a thoughtful, considerate human and it attacks because you just stepped into it's territory. It will string your intestines throughout the forest and will play with your lifeless body like a toy. Then she will walk back into the forest without much thought of you except to remember she left some food behind and may revisit what's left of you later if she gets hungry again.

Ya know, it never ceased to amaze me what my ex could come up with to pay me back when I did something that I thought was considerate. What I learned after being tossed around many times was DON'T FEED THE BEARS! My first thought after I learned that lesson was with ANY contact, such as this situation, what can I do to protect MYSELF? Not the old me who would have thought how can I help her or do something considerate?

Just sayin... .protect yourself, you've been through enough hurt buzz. 

Thank you... .I'm not interested in "poking the bear" - and that's a funny way to put it!  I was initially going to put the notice in an envelope and mail it to her - not note, no return address - just the notice itself.  But when I started thinking about the fact that she would probably recognize my handwriting, it made me uncomfortable.  So I paused and posted on these boards.

I did not write anything on the notice - I typed a separate note to the mailman.  I let him know that she already provided a forwarding address to the P.O., I provided the address to him anyway, and I asked for him to take care of the situation.  My ex won't know that it was delivered to me. 

No bear poking here! :)  My priority IS on protecting my emotional well being.

You made the right decision. |iiii

Funny... .if this had nothing to do with your ex you would have made the decision (simple adult decision), without any of this drama in about 5 sec...

You are definitely in post BPD trauma.  I identify.

They really mess us up.

I'm actually feeling much less traumatized these days Infared... .but I AM focused on making smart, healthy decisions that are good for ME!  :)

You made the right decision. |iiii

Funny... .if this had nothing to do with your ex you would have made the decision (simple adult decision), without any of this drama in about 5 sec...

You are definitely in post BPD trauma.  I identify.

They really mess us up.

I'm actually feeling much less traumatized these days Infared... .but I AM focused on making smart, healthy decisions that are good for ME!  :)[/quote]
It's been years for me... .but if ANYTHING comes up that has to do with her, I still seek counsel.

My mind and emotions are always suspect to me when I have to engage with that.