BPDFamily.com

I really have not come across such a story on these boards; where a pwBPD, some time after a breakup has a moment where thorugh therapy or otherwise have a 'WOW... .What have I done!" moment where they finally realize what they had (and that it was good) and what terrible things that they had done to the person in the relationship. Not the things that a BPD would say in an attempt to recycle, but a since and cognizant embrace of healthy reality. Not necessarily immediately but some time in the near or distant future.

I would love to know the answer to this!

They have them all the time... resulting in shame and other behavior. Cutting is a common BPD activity, so are all kinds of low self esteem related problems. Much of the way the BPD person thinks... is compartmentalizing, so an epiphany one moment can coexist with activities that are 100% inconsistent with that breakthrough a bit later. They do not have an integrated personality, where they see good and bad in people... it is a stilted development problem, they think like a little kid, they love you and are happy happy when you agree with them, and hate you and stomp around having a tantrum when they are upset. Kids grow out of it, they are stuck.

What are you hoping would be accomplished by your pwBPD having an Ephiphany?

Dunno... .just trying to understand it all better... .mine disappeared and we have not spoken to one another at all in 4 months... .part of me wants closure... .part of me wants to be a friend... .and a (shrinking) part of me wishes that it was all just a bad dream (we never fought and had a very good relationship - she is a waif type). We were very good for one another and spent every day together for the 2+ years that we were a couple. There was no acrimony... .no fights... .no disagreements, nothing. She had just moved in and we were planning our wedding when she went 'poof'.  This was the tragedy of my life.

It makes me sound like a bad guy, but it helps me to know that she is having a hard time and struggling with this just as badly as I am. Maybe I also have a problem for thinking this, I am not sure, but it makes me feel better.

Another perspective to this is that she has that Epiphany moment (she is seeing a T from what I know), and that I can communicate with her so, at least, I can have closure. 

I'm sorry she left. That is probably the #1 that freaks me out about staying with my BPD. Maybe some of his abandonment fear has rubbed off on me. I would be devastated for him to just leave me without a word or reason. BUT- flip side- I could see the relief I could experience at not having him stalk me (as he has done when I have been the leave-r).

What would you say to her if she called you?

I am not at that stage yet, but I know that she will contact me at some point... .The biggest predictor of the future is the past. I was recycled several times so if history is any predictor, it will happen. ... .I have been guilty of breaking NC a couple of times directly and in some indirect ways; I didn't realize that even those ways would push further at the time and just saw them as 'temperature checks' if you will.

Mine was not like the typical BPD experiences I have read about here. She was a waif... .there were no problems with us. I used to be thankful that we didn't have to go to couples therapy, for example, like her newlywed sister and didn't have problems like she described about her siblings marriages. Frankly, I was happy and saw only minor problems - we never argued or disagreed. We went everywhere and did everything together for 2 years. Outside of the disappearing act and associated surprising anger, it is really difficult for me to be pissed at her (although I AM pissed).

Geez... .what would be an appropriate response? Most of the members of this forum would be quick to tell me to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction But I am not sure that is the correct reaction. Sometimes I think that it would be a 'welcome back home' and other times a punch in the nose seems like an appropriate response. I know I simply cannot take her back like I did in the past (funny how she would say that she took ME back), as I simply cannot live like this. No one can. 

J,

This is a great step forward in thinking.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop is one of the factors I use in reminding myself that I'd never welcome my ex-wife back, either.   |iiii

My experience was very similar,  no arguments and we always got on for 15 months, she has mental health issues but we agreed we would likely get married when she finished her treatment (she is due to start this week oddly).

I sometimes tell myself I should run, I could not take her back as it was. I am trying to grow and learn about her condition and I'm hoping her treatment helps her to be mindful of her real feelings.

I am angry at her but on the other hand I feel for her, I was the first person she told about her childhood issues which I would guess caused her BPD.

I know she carries these issues every day, but yes I agree on the fact that no one ever seems to come back and say yes the treatment works.

No closure sucks, I speak to her mum about  it and she buries her head in the sand and says there is nothing wrong with her daughter.

I would love to come back one day and say her treatment works, The problem with that I think is that once you know about it, you could never say it has worked until you are gone... .it could come back in 1,10 or 50 years, what we have to decide is if we can find a way to work through it better and sustain the relationship happily.

For my exwife it's all about the blame game. When she has a soft moment she can stretch herself to saying "it's neither her or my fault". I think she seeks a LOT of support from friends. I think it's one of the most important concepts of her new life - that her divorce was just a normal one.

I bet a lot people around her wonders why her husband of 20 years won't speak to her.

Thanks... .its like the sword of Damocles... .I actually was thinking randomly a couple weeks before the final b/e that it just wouldn't be a surprise if it happened again... .just didn't think it would be this permanent and total.  The scorched earth was amazing.

Did you b/e?

If you ever see them when they have been utterly totally abandondened ( you will have to be completely out of the picture for this ) an all there plans and machinations to the contrary have come to nought they have an epihany it doesnt last for long because of there memory impairment but they do have them ( and then promptly forget or end it )

so despite completely breaking down, alone and without any recourse, they come to the conclusion that it is they that are the problem. that they let go of and damaged good people in the process and then they forget it?

All the false bravado is stripped away there is just them an there worst nightmare (themselves ) with no one else to turn to they will look at what brought them to that point an despair then depending how scared they are might try an pick themselves up an carry on i have seen this indirectly ( know the circumstances an someone reported to me what it was like ) once an directly ( via phone i was thousands of miles away in another country ( two different people ) once, but even this doesnt change them long term it is something they likely have already lived through once when they were to young to comprehend it

one would think that at that point they would conclude that they have come to the end of the road... .that at that point SOMETHING must change.

Even though I have not spoken with mine at all, I have heard that she is seeing a T and she did so on her own volition.

Hey JRT.  Your earlier post stated; "It makes me sound like a bad guy, but it helps me to know that she is having a hard time and struggling with this just as badly as I am. Maybe I also have a problem for thinking this, I am not sure, but it makes me feel better."  I think this is a natural response to someone who is continuing to inflict pain upon you, without them showing any empathy towards you whatsoever.  We want them to feel what we feel, in hopes of them stopping the pain.  I can totally relate, despite dearly loving and caring about my ex-girlfriend.  It's really about wanting them to feel the painful loss and void of the separation at some level, as their cold cut off behavior says otherwise.  So you're not a "bad guy" for thinking this way.

It doesnt change them because a lot of it is hard wired in the first case it probably helped her a lot but it wasnt obvious it took a long time to manifest ( return to old behaviours but with realization she needed to look at other options as well (just in case )) in the second case they were too young to hold on to what had happened lost the motivation to change an fell back in to old patterns

Thanks... .I really appreciate that!

For sure, JRT.  We're all in this together.

Hi JRT,

Like you, I am doing my best to understand the thought process of this disorder as well.  I know that understanding it doesn't help much for the pain we're left with in the aftermath, but to me (and I think you as well) it seems like it would be easier to let go or forgive or whatever if we actually knew the ways they 'tick' and what might happen if they change their minds and reestablish contact.  I get it.

I've been doing quite a bit of research around theoretical and clinical approaches for treating BPD in order to get a glimpse at the moving parts in their minds.  So far I have achieved a glimpse of it, a very small glimpse.  And you know what?  Knowing that anybody in this world, let alone the woman I fell in love with, has those things going on in her mind hurts me *so* *so* much.

In many ways I feel like the pain that I experienced throughout the relationship and during the breakup was kind of like a rough imprint of the constant turmoil that had churning in her mind every hour of every day for many years.  The process of healing is very time-consuming and requires a lot of courage on their part because there are a lot of deep-seated things driving this complex system.

I've read in other posts that you've wondered if perhaps your ex-girlfriend was not BPD based on the fact that there wasn't emotional/verbal abuse and that she didn't create drama and chaos like other people suffering from BPD.  But consider for a moment that perhaps she never felt she had 'permission' to be angry about very real things she *should* have been angry about.  If that's true, it appears that her bottling up her emotions and never allowing herself to express them is actually a *worse* place to be - because it takes an already bad problem (BPD) and compounds it by not having *any* way to release *any* pressure that had been pushed away, built-up, and had festered and compounded over time.  Whether there's a pressure gauge you could've read or not, the pressure grew until things ruptured.

What has helped me the most to cope with the loss of my lover and companion is the understanding that 1) she didn't ask for the circumstances in her life that led to her adopting maladaptive coping mechanisms and having a general fear of vulnerability and abandonment, 2) as far as I know she is seeking treatment, which means someday she will be released from this curse and finally know what living a life of inner peace feels like (and knowing that the person I love may achieve that, even if I never see her again, brings me peace to the part of my heart that hurts for her having to live each day with the very real and unbelievably difficult struggles she faces - that nobody truly sees or would ever guess would be happening even being as close as having a deeply intimate relationship with her), and 3) as hard as it is for me to accept sometimes, I do believe that she did her very best to be a good partner to me given the difficult, and non-obvious circumstances of having to cope with the constant churning and mental anguish she had been experiencing, and I believe that the hurtful things she said to me were merely projections of the constant torment she puts herself through All The Time.  

With these things I find it easier and easier to reach acceptance.  

You see, the way I embrace healing from this pain is through compassion and love.  My pain will subside and soon enough I will be back to the confident person that's overflowing with love that I was when I met her.  It may take her much, much longer through the process of therapy and personal healing to find that kind of inner peace, and knowing that both breaks my heart for what is real for her now and also gives me hope for her future - that she will someday be healed; finally freed from the curse that seemed to have stolen from her the goodness of me, and what could have been our wonderful, peaceful, loving, and happy future together.

I hope this helps, at least a little bit.  Hopefully you will find peace soon too.

I am surprised at myself that I have not at all wept during this entire ordeal... .but your post brought me as close to it as I think that I will ever get... .thank you for your post most kindly

Yes I understand that this best describes her and I have considered the likelihood that her silent suffering and internalizing of anger only compounded her misery and torture... .but I also charge that she had every opportunity to seek help, not obscure what had happened in her other relationships, and other factors that offset my sympathy for her... .it helps to humanize her in this way and feel compassion (which I am not without), but knowing that that the man that just shot me had some demons that he had wrestled with all of his life and was expressing his rage doesn't stop the bleeding, make the bullet go away and not leave a scar (and he wasn't ever engaged to me!).

I see that side of things and understand, but I also feel that mine (as much as she can pick up the phone and call the police... ,.or she can call all 35 of her friends and family and demand that they unfriend me on FB), could have put something on paper, or an email or through an intermediary that could have at LEAST explained her thinking about why she did what she did and why she felt that we could not continue our relationship even if it was incoherent.

I guess that there is a limit to my sympathy especially when it is counterbalanced by bad behavior.

I have also hoped for this epiphany moment where they give me the closure by admitting to their behaviour. Unfortnately this will never happen because even if they realise what theyve done the guilt and shame will always prevent them from contacting you about it.

I believe that they have these epiphanies all the time and this is what drives their behaviour. Weve all read many times where a pwBPD has said that they dont want to hurt yheir SO.  The closest my exgf got was to say that she knows she is hard work.

What I realised is that the main reason I want this to happen is to appease my ego.

Yes.

  One night, in a fit of drunken despair, I sent her a seething email, broiling in recriminations.  I truly had reached the limit of my endurance, and desperately wanted out.

  The next morning she called asking if we could get together later that week to talk.

  What came next stunned me: she apologized.  She explained to me the reasons why she felt the need to behave the way she did.  She told me about the difficulties she had experienced in her life, and the once taboo subject of her troubling childhood was covered in depth. 

  We spoke for four hours, leaving no stone unturned, as we examined all the peculiarities that occurred during our time together. 

  However I think that I am the exception in this instance, as this frank exchange is not the norm when one is dealing with BPD. 

Icom I am so pleased you got that and a little jealous. It seems you got the answers so many of us want but will never get. The elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I sort of got the answers about 3 months into my relationship, you say it is a pot of gold but it can also be a curse. She told me why she had her issues and BPD (childhood abuse) and i thought i could be her 'white knight' so to speak.

That didn't work, I should have researched BPD ( I have just started now) and maybe I would have looked after myself, I got so stressed then when I got drunk one time i vented, 1 month later she left me, I now realise that is why she ran from me, she lost trust and thought I would be angry every time I drunk any alcohol.

I realise I should not have let her treat me as she did but I also realise that if I ever go back I have to think about myself a lot more and not get so drawn in by her issues.

The other question is the appology a true reflection of how she feels or just another way to try to get you back?

Inatimelapse, your discussion/analysis of her epiphany provided me with an epiphany... .several in fact.  Thank you for the tools

so did your relationships continue afterwards or not... .wondering if these were seminal moments to repairing them and moving forward.

No, Mine ended a month ago for the 1st time.

If she does come back I think I would try again but differently (If she is also willing to do so). I would only try again once though, I hate NC and it is driving me mad! I really do feel like going round to her house and raging at her today.

I am actually in contact with one of her exes at the moment to find out whether she recycles and how long it takes. (she is still freinds with the ex but the ex lives abroad)

Let us know what happens... .stay tough during no contact... .

Yes will do, I am interested to hear what her Ex gf says. Am going to have a few beers tonight with my brother, am going to give him my phone and ipad or nc will go out the window!

In my experience, I would say that these epiphany moments occure often.  The whole problem in behavior seems to stem from trying to refrain from feeling guilty/bad when they happen. 

My pwBPD has these epiphany moments quite often and will take responsibility for his actions/behavior. Although he has these moments often, changing the maladaptive behavior or sustaining responsibility is short lived.

Enlighten me: Well, my friend, being well-studied in this grim discipline that is BPD, it wasn’t half as revelatory as it would seem, as we are all intimately acquainted with the welter of behaviours that accompany this disorder; there were no surprises, only confirmations.  If I want to be honest with myself, not only was the exercise completely futile, but the true motivation behind such an escapade was to assume some sort of authoritative position to gain some ascendancy over a scenario that had never once worked to my advantage; the person confessing is always cast in the role of the suppliant.    

Here are some key points that might be of interest:

-   She told me that when she first met me that she felt “safe” in my company, which was a new experience for her.  By extension, I advanced the idea that feeling “safe” for one of the first times in one’s life might add a layer of complexity to one’s existence that is distinctly challenging-if not entirely unpalatable-due to it being so strange and unfamiliar.  She agreed with this, and told me that it terrified her whenever she felt safe for any extended period of time, as there were consequent associations with impending disaster.

-   She is addicted to male attention, as it is practically her only means to maintain a positive self-image.

-   She had exited the relationship many times over the years, but confessed that during these absences that she not only thought of me frequently, but also missed me terribly.  

-   She genuinely appreciated the fact that I understood that she wasn’t deliberately going out of her way to intentionally cause harm.  

 The hardest thing for most people to accept is that their behaviour is only obliquely related to you, and I would encourage anyone who is still grappling with this concept to familiarize themselves with some of the basic literature on Pathological/Immature Ego Defences in order to broaden their perspectives.  

JRT:  Nothing changed.  It wasn’t revelatory to either one of us, as she was already reasonably self-aware of her condition, and I was already a BPD maven after years of diligent study.  All that it amounted to was a pleasant four-hour conversation down by the beach on a late-winter’s day.  There was no, “Hallelujah; what a relief to get that off my chest!” “ I’m glad we’ve got that all sorted out-and out of the way-so that we can  finally get down to the business of having a normal relationship for a change!”   Knowing her limitations, I anticipated a negative reaction from this event, and it wasn’t long in coming.  

 Keeping things in their proper perspective, at the time that we had this conversation, it later emerged that she was already involved (and had been involved for many months) with another man.

If you familiar with BPD and its attendant behaviors, you are your own best epistemic authority in this instance; there are no surprises, and there is no closure.  

InATimeLapse: Thank you for so eloquently expressing that which I can totally relate to.  Namely, wanting only the very best for my ex-girlfriend, regardless of what the future holds.

Icom: You touched upon some familiar terrain for me.  While she and i were only friends prior to us dating she would say some trigger phrases.  During a pleasant trail walk and discussion, out of the blue she said to me; "This is weird", which I found out to mean was in reference to me being respectful to her as a male.  She also said to me; "This is scary", in reference to her being fearful of intimacy (closeness) with losing herself in the relationship.  She went on to say to me that she was going to hang up her runners from feeling the constant urge to always want to run away from me.  She acknowledged that she didn't know why she felt this way.  I never knew where she was coming from with those comments until after she broke up with me.  I get it now.  Did yours abruptly exit your relationship and coldly cut you off too?

Shamelessly borrowing from a contribution recently made by "Rifka", one day I finally acknowledged that the relationship was like a carton of milk that had spoiled.  It had reached its "best before" date years earlier, and no amount of wishful thinking on my part would ever restore the now curdled constituents back to their former glory. 

Despite being ravaged by her disorder over the years, I parted from her life with love and affection.  I went for a walk with her by the sea, told her how much I loved her, but reminded her that we were fundamentally incompatible.  She was very upset-understandably-but the parting was as important for her development (if there was to be one) as it was for mine.

As was previously noted, someone else was already in the picture, so she had a soft landing.  I, on the other hand, did not fare as well, and the subsequent six months after the separation were hellish beyond measure.

I'm just happy to be reasonably free and clear of this thing.   

Thanks for sharing, icom.  "Rifka" said it well.  Your milk analogy sums it up too.  Glad to hear that you were able to part from your ex's life with love and affection, including the opportunity for both of your developments through this.  This is the classy way to part that BPD people seem to constantly skip when they breakup.  I have been living out the hellish aftermath of my relationship 5 months post breakup, so I can relate to your rough landing.

So if she missed you terribly during these recycles, why did she keep away?

YOu are saying that she HAD the revelation and then became eventually angry because of it?

Hi again icom. Yes I realise that if they open up to you there is probably an alterier motive. Even so I would still like to hear both my exs admit to what they did and show remorse no matter how fleeting it may be. I suppose apart from my ego I also want this so I know that the mothers of my children arent remorseless monsters.

As the day go on it they mean less to me and the want for this validation decreases. I suppose one day I wont care less about it.

It sounds absurd but it makes sense in BPD-land. The good stuff can't be put into practice. There is no learning, only shame. And showing your love is just a sign of weakness.

makes me incredibly sad

Restored2: Although the advice seems trite, time-worn, and sticks to forums like these with the persistence of axle grease, it nevertheless still has merit.  Life does improve.  I'd say that a minimum six month investment is necessary to recalibrate yourself back to normal, and another six months to purge yourself of the toxins built-up after years of exposure. 

Depending upon the exposure, and the time invested, you will emerge from this experience better than ever before. 

The ultimate irony here is that I spent years trying to winnow out a solution to the BPD mystery only to discover that it was right under my nose the whole time, and by studying the vagaries of the disorder, I inadvertently stumbled upon myself for the first time in my life... .which rather startled me. 

JRT:

  In order to fully grasp the severity of the disorder, it is necessary to adopt their reference frame and not yours. 

The most intense emotions arise in the formation, maintenance, and termination of attachment partnerships.  BPD, being intensely hypersensitive to emotion, cannot bear the tumult. 

Here is the crux: They are identical to us, have identical needs, yet these needs can never be satisfied, for to do so would mean their virtual annihilation.

They reside in a diminished ego state, so when their emotions go off the scale, they attribute you as the source of this fault of theirs. 

No, JRT, there was no revelation on anyone's part.  Her admission does not confer anything apart from a minor acknowledgement that she resides in a vastly different reality than mine.  Ultimately, it was an empty gesture. 

Thats an understandable thing to wrap my brain around, but does it make any difference to the concept if my relationship was absent of the kind of tumult and raging that seem to very much define most BPD relationships? We nevver argued or disagreed. Nor did she register any complaints with me.

JRT,

I can understand the questioning behind all this.  Why wouldn't they talk about it, why were there never any arguments? 

Probably because a person can hold it all in, that is how we end up being painted black and get no closure really.  They just walk away with a bag full of our wrongness without ever talking about it.  That is all we become, we cannot be good and bad at the same time.  It's late on a Friday, I hope this makes sense.

Some people express it, some people stay pretty passive.  BPD adds an extreme to this behavior. 

icom: Thank you for your insightful advice and words of encouragement.  Much appreciated.  I like the way you use words to paint pictures.  This is quite the talent for communicating.  Sounds like you had a personal enlightenment of sorts through your self searching to stumble upon yourself.

jjclark: Your explanation seems bang on for the walking away of a BPD person, without them providing a proper explanation of their own for closure.

Sure that makes sense... .I realize that you did not live my relationship so it is difficult to have perspective... .but there was really nothing to hold in at least that I had done or had treated her... .she got the royal treatment from me. Mind you, I was no push over that doted on her and got treated like a door mat; I was just good. Certainly BPD had kicked in at some point and made her mind simply scream. It was the very goal that she had prayed for her whole life... .she FINALLY had attained what was so elusive to her for so long... .and then she had to run. I really think that in her case, there was not much more to it than that.

Hi JRT

I never realised my ex wife ws most likely BPD as we never argued. It was only after I split up with my exgf and was looking at her behaviour I realised that she was a BPD queen type. While researching BPD I then realised my ex wife was a BPD waif type. Even though my exgf had more obvious behaviour I realised that they both did the same things. It was a shock as what attracted me to my exgf was how different to my ex wife she was. She was confident, outgoing and independent. Underneath though they were pretty much the same person.

I am beginning to see BPD in my ex wife as well as with my exfiance... .what is a queen type?

Queen types are very outgoing with a sense of grandeur. They like to show how wonderful they are.

Dr. Christine Lawson identifies 4 sub-type roles in her book "Understanding The Borderline Mother" which displays in borderline personality disorder.

The Waif The Hermit The Queen The Witch

The Waif is helpless The Hermit is fearful The Queen is controlling The Witch is punishing

It's not uncommon for all 4 roles to be exhibited in BPD although some roles may be more dominant in pwBPD.

My ex is shows more Queen / Witch and I have seen Waif, Hermit less so.

A rare type are Medean witches, they actually kill their kids.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0)

Interesting... .I looked at the types first and thought, "gee, she has a bit of all of them in her" then saw your explanation... .thanks for providing... .mine is a mix of waif and hermit.

Here is a question for you: had mine not broken up the way that she did in the past and then recycled as well as this time, I would be hard pressed to justify her as a pwBPD at all. Although there were signs of BPD there, they were very subtle. It was the breaking up and here behavior after the fact that screams BPD. Is this possible at all? Or could it be something else? Before I found myself here, I thought that she was an ACOA and that was pretty much the end of the story.

I thought my ex wife was histrionic. It was only as I read up on BPD that I realised she ticked most of the DSM 4 criteria. After speaking to her mum and going through the DSM with her we realised she ticked all nine.

Even after that I still have moments of doubt.

Without a professional diagnosis we are just guessing but if the cap fits then its a pretty good sign your onto something.

The queen and witch types are the more obvious because you get direct conflict. Their behaviour leaps out at you.

I can see... .yeah, mine said almost nothing that would lead me to believe that ANYTHING was wrong... .that she had an itch! All this couldn't have been any more out of the blue.

Funny... .its just guessing; the aftermath is just us guessing and trying to piece together what the hell went wrong. The person I can ask is just a phone call away and I have spent the past four months trying to solve a Rubiks cube. 

Its funny that when your emeshed in the relationship you dont notice the little warning signs and comments. Its only after that things start coming back to you that now seem odd. Its these little itches that when you add them all together show a more disturbing image of the relationship.

My ex wife only lashed out twice in the 14 years we were together. The first was the worst when she hit me with a sauce pan. She appologised and explained it away that she thought i was taking the mickey out of her cooking. Also it was that time of the month and hrr mum had been winding her up. I accepted it as a one off. The next was several years later when I was awoken with a sore nose. She acted as if she had rolled over in her sleep and elbowed me by accident but it felt more malicious. I know I snore and she complained about It so It felt like she did it on purpose.

yup... .I have thought about those warning signs... .yeah, they were something that I should have asked hard questions about... .but at the same time on the next one, I am afraid that I will... .I know that sounds ridiculous but I am concerned that this relationship will cause during the next one to put everything she says and does underneath a microscope of suspicion and paranoia to the point that it is not enjoyable or that she feels the disconnect... .

I understand your concern. I feel the same way now. I stupidly ignored the signs when I got together with my exgf. Probably thought that I couldnt be that unlucky to meet someone like my ex wife again. I ignored what my gut was telling me. This may seem a stupid thing to say but in a way im glad as it meant I wasnt as paranoid as was capable of trusting again.

I COMPLETELY understand... .I am entirely afraid that this might happen... .I am also concerned that I will ever be able to love like I did her... .I KNOW that I will never be able to propose like I did (flew her to Europe and got on my knee in font of an ancient fountain in an ancient city... women swooned at the story, lol)

I am also, now, concerned about another thing: I don't think its about luck. Now that I know about BPD, I THINK that I attract them. It's difficult to confirm since it is years after the fact, but I am wondering if I attract them/choose them! If that's the case, I am doomed to this again!

This could very well be true.  Borderlines are often drawn to people with certain characteristics--it might be an opportunity to eventually dig in to what those characteristics are in your particular case.  It's also helpful to turn that comment around, as you hinted at in the second sentence--do you think you might be attracted to some of the tendencies pwBPD exhibit... .especially during the idealization phase?

I'm a rescuer... .I like to help and fix... .my second date with my ex, I had gone to her house to help her fix things.

Yep... .me, too.  Rescuer and fixer here.  I got so good at it that, right before my BPD wife disappeared, she said I was almost like a father in our relationship.  Gotta say it felt like that, too... .37 year-old woman acting like a 16 year-old at best--I didn't know any other way but to try and fix each and every one of her messes.  I got really good at hiding my resentment about that, BTW.

Looking at it honestly, what do you think being a rescuer does for your self-esteem?  (1) Purely a charitable/altruistic motive, or (2) is it a strong desire to feel needed?  Note: I'm deep into number two.

Its a fair question... .I figure that some of it is self esteem. The thing is is that I am very handy, and know how to repair things and do things that my white collar friends are clueless about. I have just come to accept that I am going to be called on to help or instruct. Lately, it has become sort of a hobby (I'm an amateur photographer... .I take phots, put them on my FB page. When someone compliments it, I have it printed and then send it to them. It feels really good for me to give. I did that a LOT in my relationship especially with her son (he was a constant crisis... .80% of our conversations were about him)... .it feels really good for me to give and not expect anything in return for some reason... .it just kind of happened over time.

*mod*

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .