BPDFamily.com

Hello all, could really use your advice on this…...

Synopsis – Moved out of home in May 2014 and filed for divorce. 2 yr marriage, no kids together but two stepdaughters. The last time I spoke to my udBPDw was through text in July. We reached full agreement in mediation in October and did not see or speak to each other during mediation at her request. We were in separate rooms the entire day and never even passed each other coming and going. I agreed in mediation to postpone final judge sign off of divorce for 4 months of mediation so she could utilize my health benefits for dr visits. Other than that mediation was reached at full agreement and signed off by both of us, our lawyers and the mediator.

Next month will be 4 months and the final hearing will be scheduled. Today after almost 7 months on NC she sends me a barrage of texts (9 to be exact in a matter of 4 minutes) stating the following….

·         “Hey I wanted to let you know that my old email address isn’t valid anymore. I’m unemployed and working on getting a new email account in case you needed to email me.” (uhmm ok I never email her)

·         “I just paid off the car and waiting on the title (was in my name). Not sure if you need to sign anything”

·         “I’m working on getting the house refinanced in my name per the agreement, may take a few months but your wish will come true, you will finally be off!”

·         “On a side note, I thought you would want to know a lot of things have happened since you have been gone, My Dad is dying and only has a few months to live, SD12’s grandmother on fathers side died the first day of school, had to give away SD12’s dog, the senior dog had to be put down (we had three dogs), SD12’s Guinea pig of 5 years died last week and SD12’s biological father attempted suicide because judge ordered him to serve 180days in jail for back owed child support (he just got out recently and served 2yrs).”

·         “I need to know if you ever plan on seeing or speaking to SD12 again? You leaving still weighs heavy on her heart.  If you don’t have plans to see or speak to her then I need to know so I can help her deal with it and the counselor”.

·         “Sorry for the lengthy texts but I needed to put it all out there so I don’t have to bother you anymore”

Should I even respond to this? I’m being told by most to not respond at all. I feel like I should at least reply with “Wow, I’m sorry to hear about all that. Thanks for the info on the car and home. Notify me when the title arrives and I will figure out what I need to do to get it released to you.”

Problem is, that doesn’t address her concern with SD12. I have no problem talking with SD12 but realistically I am not going to be part of her life moving forward and I feel it will just cause her more heartache by speaking with her and then leaving her life….again.

What do you guys think?

The only thing I would address is SD12 and that depends on how good of a relationship you had with her in the past. If you had a close relationship I would want that to continue. If not then I would let it go.

I have SS's from ex's first marriage. We were together for 11 years and I had a very good relationship with them. That relationship is just as good as when ex and I were married. They are my sons even though they are not genetically linked. They are in their late 20's and early 30's. We vacation together, etc with my two genetic boys from ex. One of the SS's is NC with his mom. The other is LC. Another SS has substance abuse issues and ex enables him. He has no contact with his brothers or me.

Take my advice with a grain of salt. But as I read it... .Sd12 needs counseling that's ongoing. You can't fix it with a hug and a pep talk. You're right that it will only make her more confused.

It's ok to have empathy from afar. If you pray, you can pray for them. But this seems like a terrible list to induce contact via guilt. Why not contact you as each huge event happened? Why is it now suddenly?

Perhaps I misread. Do you think you could maintain contact with her long term? Step daughter.

From the sounds of it, your ex is not as extreme with conflict as most ex's described here.  It sounds like you're not being villified as most of us were.  Sounds like it's your decision, weighing the benefits versus the negatives.  Is ex saying the marriage ended without 'closure' for SD?  Or is she looking for ways to keep you around, simmering on the back burner, so to speak.

Since you were able to mediate without much conflict I sense it's your call if you're careful... .what you want... .what might be good for SD... .if only for better closure and sendoff (if that's the issue).

I had about as close a relationship as any SD would have in a 2yr marriage. I participated in her interests as any father would. I feel this situation is a bit different though. If she was an adult then the circumstances would be different. She's 12. Spending time/having a relationship with her would require me to go to ex's house and pick her up or meet places. It basically re-introduces contact with my ex which could lead to recycling attempts or drama which I want no part of.

Realistically?... .no. It's inevitable that I will meet someone new one day and it just seems odd that I would have an ongoing relationship with a child that's not mine and have to explain that to my new significant other. I think it just really confuses things and I don't think a lot of women would be ok with that, especially if it still required contact with ex.

She was high conflict and her entitlement was even high in mediation but I stood my ground with my boundaries and I think her lawyer talked her into settling because he knew her requests were unreasonable. I just cant see what good could come from me having contact with SD after 7 almost 8 months of no communication. It seems to me that seeing/speaking to me would just make her more sad. Also I'm not even convinced that she wants to see me. Ex may just be forcing the issue because she feels its the right thing for her daughter.

I deeply regret not speaking with SD before leaving but things got completely out of hand and I had to leave in a hurry to protect myself. I have no idea if ex is wanting closure for SD or she really wants me to be around indefinitely for her daughter.

aarrrghhh!... .why do things have to be to difficult?

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Don't respond. She's taking out her arsenal of manipulation and throwing everything she can think at you hoping something will stick. You responding is like keeping a monster on life support. It will give her a breath of fresh narcissistic supply, knowing she got you to respond, and she will realize the most effective methods to get you to respond moving forward and utilize that specific sub arsenal to guilt you back into contact.

DO NOT RESPOND. She is reeling from her loss of control over you, the way a fish flops on a boat deck desperate to get back into the water. You need to ignore it, and eventually the flopping will stop, and it will die. That's what you want.

Remember what got most of us into this position. Our weakness is usually in rescuing/fixing compulsions. A first test for you in your new life moving forward is to start right now maintaining this boundary and realizing people need to solve their own problems. It's time for you to be selfish right now. That may not feel comfortable, but your emotional life is at stake. Take it seriously. Think you. Everything else comes last.

I wouldn't respond at all.  Your marriage is over, and the content of her texts is of no concern to you. She is simply trying to reel you in like a fish. Don't take the bait. 

Anyways, I got a bit of a giggle out of this: "... she sends me a barrage of texts (9 to be exact in a matter of 4 minutes)... " ---> my ex sends me about 80 to 100 texts a day. The record # of texts sent to me one time was well over 300 in one day & the content ranged from extreme l love you's to I hate you's 

The way I read them is rescue me. Feel sprry for me.

Most dont require a response. The only one I might respond to is the step daughter. If I did respond I would probably say something like. Im sorry she is missing me as im missing her. Let her know that if she wants to contact me I will always be happy to hear from her. We will never have what we had and we have to move on with our lives but if she ever needs me I willvalways be there for her.

I wouldn't respond at all. She will use the kid to manipulate her way through his door.

Congratulations on settling things in mediation. That needs to be acknowledged   :)

As sad as the events in SD12's life are, including the things that have happened to her mom, given that you are going through a divorce, which means separating your lives, I don't know that you even need to respond. It's hard, I know, when someone is experiencing loss and your instinct is to comfort. The nature of the text messages and the kitchen sinking feels manipulative (I'm a victim) and cold at the same time (on a side note... .as though these are not major events).

However, it really depends on the risks to you and your own emotional state. If you are still healing and worried about how things might impact your divorce, it might be better to lay low right now, or only respond to things that require a transaction (the title, etc.) If you feel fairly certain that your divorce will resolve, it might be ok to say, "I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you and SD12 well."

These are awkward transitions. There is no right way. 

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Everyone has valid points. I chose to not respond at all.

The things like paying the car off and getting the house refinanced in her name is a given as she agreed to do all that and its documented in the mediation agreement which is filed at the court house. I do not need a play by play of the process, she just needs to follow the agreement and notify me when its done before the agreed upon deadline. With that said... .no response needed.

I struggled with the SD12 part however. My heart goes out to her but I just feel that no good would come of me popping in and out of her life. She has been through almost 8 months of no contact with me which in my mind is healing for her to eventually forget about me and focus on her life. She has a dad, he doesn't make good life choices but I do know that he loves her with all his heart. I have a biological D17 that my ex bonded with as well but I would never expect her to maintain contact with her nor would I want her too.

My decision was clear when I thought things through and realized that a relationship with SD12 means contact with my ex and that is just not a good thing, especially with the final sign off of the divorce on the horizon.

I understand this. I had a step son from my marriage to N/BPDx and as painful as it has been, staying in contact would only put him in a strange loyalty bind. I know he loved me the 10 years he was in my life, and I know the divorce had to be painful for him, perhaps even a betrayal (I can only imagine what his dad said about me leaving). He is my son's half brother, and there has been virtually no communication. It feels very fractured and sad.

That is one of the tough things about these relationships when they end. There is no closure, and that often includes extended family.

I hope you're able to find some peace. I found it was eventually possible to feel sadness and grief for N/BPDx's life without losing sight of my boundaries, and that was a big milestone.

A word about refinancing... .just because it is agreed, written and filed with the court is no guarantee of compliance.  Let's hope it does work out but do you have anything in the agreement specifying consequences for failing to completely remove you from mortgage obligations or liability?  (If you co-own the house then don't hand over your quit claim deed until the signing.  Instead, have it held in safekeeping with the lawyers until the refinancing occurs.  If you hand it over and she doesn't refinance then you will end up continuing to be liable for a property you no longer own.)

Understood and with all the great information on this site and the experience of others, I was able to protect myself prior to going to mediation. Our mediation agreement states that she has one year to refi the home in her name. If she fails to do so then she has to place the home on the market within a month of the deadline and she has to maintain the home in marketable condition, has to be available for showings and make a good faith effort to diligently attempt to sell the home as expeditiously as possible.

Each paragraph/agreement ends in this type of wording... .

"Wife agrees to hold Husband harmless and agrees to indemnify Husband for any losses that is caused to the Husband by any such non-payment, including, but not limited to, attorneys fees and costs associated therewith."

Her and her attorney asked me in mediation if I would sign a quit claim deed but I'm smarter than the average bear and politely rejected that request. I told them I will sign any necessary paperwork to release my interest in the home when I see the paperwork stating that the home is paid off/refied pending my signature.

That's great, power thru, that you had that language added. It doesn't prevent things from happening, but it does increase the odds that court will rule in your favor in the unfortunate case you have to return to court.

My judge gave N/BPDx two extensions (meaning two hearings!) before he finally enforced the refi order. And I was awarded legal fees, but then had to file a motion for contempt to get them paid. It can be a real circus   without any of the fun.

It was hard to listen to the judge be so forgiving and tolerant of N/BPDx's obstructions and non-compliance. Keep really good records about what she does, what she emails you, when she initiates things, all that stuff. It helps to have good documentation so your lawyer can spell out the stonewalling very clearly.

Update:

I chose to not respond and heard nothing from her for 5 days. Tonight I get two more text from her that goes like this... .

-"Could you at least let me know if this is still your number so I will know if I need to mail you a letter?"

-"I'm in and out of the hospital with dad now... .liver failure and not good so plz let me know"

I feel horrible for ignoring her but I don't feel bad for her, I feel bad for her dad now. He is good man and was always good to me, I hate that he is in bad condition but I cant do anything for him or her. She and her family are going to have to deal with this. I hate to sound cold but I just feel like she is using this sad turn of events to reel me in so SHE feels better, it has nothing to do with her dad. I hate that this Is happening to her family but I cant do anything about it.

Also I don't understand why she refuses to write letters or send emails. It's always texts. I have sent her numerous letters since we have been separated and sent emails. She has my work email and personal as well as my mailing address yet she continues to only text.

On a positive note, the final hearing is set for 2/25 "Ex Parte". So aside from her refinancing the house this will all be over for good soon.

It's because everything with them is about instant gratification and compliance. If they feel empty, they want that attention instantly.

My exgf would only do text or IM. I suspect that its because you can keep them short so theres less risk of giving too much informaton. With email you kind of feel obliged to write a full letter.

She has your email address and other information, and if she wants to get information to you she can. And in 2015, it's pretty easy to figure out how to find someone. 

I think she wants to engage and will try anything to get a response. If you don't respond, it seems likely she'll try another tactic to elicit sympathy.

If you don't want her to text, no need to confirm it's your number. She wants to figure out if you are setting a boundary or not, or if perhaps you have genuinely changed your number, is my guess.