BPDFamily.com

Don't know where to go with this relationship... .my emotions are tapped out and this five year relationship is hitting bottom... .how do your save a relationship with a Borderline... .can you save one?

*welcome* *welcome* *welcome* *welcome*

I am so glad you have found us. 

Yes a r/s with a borderline can be saved.  It can be much better.!


Look to the right of the screen... .you will see "the lessons".  That is a great place to start.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Above is a link if you are having a hard time finding it by looking to the right.

Please read the lessons... and then post your thoughts over here about how it applies to your relationship

Hello and welcome.

I will say that yes, it is possible to save a relationship. Of course the outcome is not certain.

I will also say that I am 100% certain that you can make changes in yourself that will make this relationship (and any others you have in the future!) work much better.

Can you tell us a bit more about what you are trying to save, and what you are trying to save it from?

What is your partner doing that is difficult for you?

Are things getting worse?

What else (besides this r/s) do you have in your life today?

Hang in there!

 GK

Start by stabilizing your own life first, you can't fix theirs only create a better environment that may influence them to put in some hard work themselves, and it will be hard.

Dont make recovery a prerequisite to defining saving.

If you can minimize conflict you are well on the way

Thoughts and Feelings on my BPD Relationship

Does “love” make me this blind?

I don’t exist to her entire world – Never have and never will

I’m not sure of her mood by the hour or minute

Her answers are always the right answers – forget yours

I am the one required to make improvements in the relationship

Lying is still an essential part of the relationship and her life – I am the lie and the best kept secret

Alcohol is a major issue – drastic personality changes…bantering…passes out…has been physically aggressive

Abuse/Personal Issues – She is hard to approach on all personal issues- causes one to withdraw from future conversations and questioning

I am compromising myself and who I am for the relationship to make it work

I am being pushed away and becoming less and less in the relationship- no longer part of the informed loop

Open and Honest relationship – My truthful answers or statements are lies to her – being told I am not being honest and honest when I am. I have started to pull inward.

Trust has been lost – Am I the only guy in this relationship?  Having my doubts. Is the Truth being told?

Sex life – Can’t read this one anymore at all- verbally and physically

She thinks My Cancer has no effect on the relationship – Are true colors showing now? I have seen her less this year than any other year…general time together

What percent of her is available for her supposed True Love?

With Pancreatic Cancer I am not sure I have the mental or physical energy to continue this BPD relationship even with the applied communication skills I have been learning.

Stripping it back to basics for a minute. That is your list of cons. What does the list of pros look like?

Whenever we decide to do something we weigh up pros and cons, and whatever wins out drives our decisions. We then live a choice we can justify

If the the cons outweigh the pros, why do we do it Fear? obligation? Guilt? Stuck in victim mode? In these cases we will feel intense resentment which creates a lose/lose environmet.

If the pros still carry substantial weight then we have hope and ambition, and an objective to pursue, this may come with much frustration but there is a point to it.

Why we are doing this is one of the first, and hardest, things we need to determine.

Bottom line is that list of cons occur because you allow yourself to be subject to it. Individual issues are not the problem it is the power dynamics within the RS that sustain it.

If you decide to continue this RS then establishing your boundaries is first step, you will hear this over and over, as it really is your ultimate power tool.